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Monday Morning List Update

July 21st, 2008 by skippy

This time we have a list of things that should not be done if you work for an anti-drug non-profit organization. The original author asked not to be credited, as she would like to still work for the anti-drug non-profit organization.

(Submitted by I.M. Employed)
1. When working for an anti-drug association, refrain from making “Cheech and Chong” references.
2. When working for the above, don’t “Talk shop” with those seeking help.
3. Refrain from judging people by “where they get their shit”.
4. Do not give people “better guys” to get “shit” from.
5. Do not refer to the “War on Drugs” as “Vietnam for Society at large”
6. When viewing a slideshow about drug references in media, do not say “That movie’s fucking awesome!”
7. Especially when they show the “bat country” monologue from Fear and Loathing.
8. No matter how you supervisor may act, do not make allusions to the fact that they may be the only person in America who would benefit drug and alcohol use.
9. When hearing a presentation about the state of the drug trade in the United States, try to avoid “correcting” the nomenclature used for street drugs (i.e., “No one calls it “dope” anymore!”).
10. Refrain from mentioning that your friends find your work “ironic” given your past.
11. Attempt to not discuss favorite drinks and new concoctions with your superiors.
12. Especially if they mention they’re in recovery.
13. If one of your superiors is a “stage parent”, do not mention that many child stars fall into substance abuse and ill ends.
14. Even if it is apparent that the kid is pretty much doomed to Dana Plato territory.
15. Never under any circumstances mention that your superiors “drive you to drink”.
16. Especially if the Alcohol Board of Control is in town.
17. When viewing a Powepoint presentation on drug references in the media, avoid laughing at the drug and alcohol jokes when the room is full of drug counselors who will sooner be shocked than funny.
18. If they show Dazed and Confused, Half Baked, Superbad, or Beerfest, just leave the room. Despite how strong you think you are, you will not last.
19. When discussing music with co-workers, never talk about how “Dark Side of the Moon *totally* synchs up with Wizard of Oz”, or how “The Wall movie totally changed my worldview”.
20. Y’know what, just follow the guidelines that Robin Williams gets in “Good Morning Vietnam” from Lt. Haupt regarding musical tastes.
21. Never offer tired-looking co-workers “hair of the dog that bit ’em’ ” on Monday mornings. It just looks bad for everyone involved.
22. “OSHA would have a field day with what I know about this building” is not a good bargaining chip in any circumstance.
23. Especially when your supervisor is on a first-name basis with the people at OSHA.
24. Try to avoid mentioning that your superior might just remind you of a certain character from Rain Man, no matter how compulsively they may repeat some of the same words, over and over again.
25. Never mention that you own any, and especially not all, of the movies mentioned in number 18.
26. Don’t talk about how much you, your cousins, uncles, aunts, siblings, parents and friends are able to drink in a single sitting without passing out; especially if the aforementioned are all together, with what can only be described as an “alcohol topiary”.
27. Taking naps when you’re four years old is okay; taking naps at work on your lunch break will get a piss cup handed to you.
28. Being the only person in the office who knows how to work the big screen in the conference room will bite you in the ass when you come back from lunch and leave “The Marijuanalogues” on.
29. When working for an anti-drug organization, your thoughts on drug legalization are moot.
30. If you are tired and someone offers you a cup of coffee, the proper response is “Yes, please”, not “Put it in my veins!!”, “Can I just snort the grounds?” or any references to a “caffeine speedball”.
30. Cigarettes are apparently a drug, regardless of legality. Therefore “I was nic-fitting like crazy” is no excuse to leave work for a “cancer run”.
31. Incidentally, if a co-worker has a family member they’ve lost or who has recovered from some form of cancer, calling it a “cancer run” will not win you any favors.
32. If a co-worker levels baseless and just untrue accusations against another co-worker who isn’t you, and they really are just ludicrous accusations, you are still not allowed to openly laugh at the concept.

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7 Responses to “Monday Morning List Update”

  1. Lord Enigma Says:



  2. Minty Says:

    “17. When viewing a Powepoint presentation on drug references in the media, avoid laughing at the drug and alcohol jokes when the room is full of drug counselors who will sooner be shocked than funny.”

    That sounds like the time I got myself and my college roommate thrown out of a Women’s Rights meeting for laughing at PMS jokes.

    Good times, good times.


  3. Andrew Says:

    Just FYI…

    My unit does monthly “random” urinalysis’. I highlight random in this case because I live (according to main-stream conventions, and the military) an “alternative lifestyle.” I was being hit with tests every month for almost 2 years straight. Now this would have been funny if it was a simple as go pee in a cup and go back to work. However, despite the tests being on the same day every month (great randomization there), this was normally a four or five hour ordeal where once we enter the building we are not allowed to leave, for any reason, until we pee in the cup. The people who did the tests never seemed to be prepared for it either because we’d all show up on time, then spend two hours waiting while they got ready, found monitors, found the cups, located the bathroom, etc. Then all the people with mission essential jobs (any E-8, E-9, or O-4 and higher) got to cut in line and perform their tests first. Now me being a lowly E-4 means I get to wait and wait and wait till I ran screaming to the bathroom when my name was called so that my bladder wouldn’t explode.

    Then I discovered the secret, simply sit in the waiting room and twitch while crossing and uncrossing your legs in a regularly increasing pattern, and make comments like “I think I’m going to need (x number) of cups,” where x is the number of minutes past the first 10. Also make comments about how the entire mission will fail if you don’t perform some obscure repair before all the mission critical personel return to their offices.

    And FYI, the other secret I learned is how to avoid taking the test entirely. Simply find your testing manager (ours is the First Sergeant) and pester the hell out of him/her volunteering for the urinalysis. Do this at least once a week and when that monthly test comes around, viola! Your name is off the list. Side benefit, if you come to you 1st Sgt with something other than volunteering for a UA then they will hear you out to the end because you aren’t really pestering them.

    Now to end this with a laugh… People talk about it all the time, but have you ever actually heard a bunny fart?


    Minty reply on July 22nd, 2008 3:51 am:

    Apparently people aren’t talking about it around me, because I’ve never heard OF a bunny fart, let alone hear one do so. Do tell.


  4. Andrew Says:

    I don’t think we need to encourage use here. Some of are way too out of our minds already.

    “I am currently looking for myself. If I should return before I find myself, keep me here till I get back. Leave a message after the burp.”

    Captcha: whereby hospitals… whereby hospitals what?


  5. Andrew Says:

    Well what’s invisible and smells like old carrots?

    (The punch line is some big hairy biker type dude lets one rip and in a small voice says “bunny farts.” Of course the fact that he isn’y a bunny, and his farts smell like he has been chewing on week dead road kill while swilling cheap beer and humping a skunk, makes all the funnier. That is until his gastrointestinal release hits you. Then it hillarious as you run out of the place before your nosehairs curl.)


  6. Tzanti Says:

    I’m about to start a temp assignment with a nearby trust’s Drug and Alcohol Service. I will take this list to heart, jic. I may share it with them at the end, though after they’ve written my reference ;)

    Captcha: stated Edgecombe – No, stated Tzanti


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