Praeter Opportunus Lumen
The latest Transformer movie made somewhere around the amount of 700 million dollars so far. So there’s a good chance that no matter what else happens, there is going to be a part 3.
So I think that what Michael Bay should do for the next installment is hire Dan Brown to write it. When you hear my reasons you will probably agree that he is a natural fit.
You see, the alien robots from the transformers have been on the Earth longer than the human race has, which was either millions of years ago, or 6,000 depending on where you went to school. This is why some of them transform into dinosaurs.
Well given the Catholic Church’s age, and historical power in Western civilization it makes sense to me that at some point the church became aware of these giant robots. In fact, they probably have one or more secret orders of monks dedicated to their study.
Sadly, this is not even the most blasphemous picture I have put up this week.
Which is where Dan brown comes in. Because if there’s one thing that man can do, it’s write a compelling story about the secrets of the Church. And giant robots have the added benefit of being only slightly more ridiculous than any of his other stories. Besides, using anti-matter to blow up the Vatican has got Megatron written all over it.
And the addition of evil space robots to Catholic history can help explain so many things. The Children’s Crusade? Decepticon plot. Witch hunts and the Inquisition? Decepticons again. The elimination of Limbo from Church doctrine? You’d better believe that an angry robot stag-beetle was behind that.
“People find it increasingly difficult to accept that God is just and merciful if he excludes infants” he said, adding “Bwahahaha die Autobot scum!”
Another benefit to having Dan Brown take over writing this franchise is his already quarelous relationship with the Catholic Church. He’s like their version of Salamun Rushdie. They’ve already had a press conference to tell people the The Da Vinci Code was a work of fiction. Just think of how cool it would be for the Pope to get on television and tell people that giant robots aren’t real. That alone would cause thousands of conspiracy theorists to start believing in them.
And it’s not like controversy from the Church has hurt any of Dan Brown’s other movies. In Hollywood terms that’s called “Free Advertising”. Just picturing Bill Donahue getting onto a talk show and arguing about the “secular-robot agenda” makes this whole thing worth while.
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July 10th, 2009 at 3:05 am
Given the intricate carvings and architecture of the cathedrals, and Skippys theory that the Giant Robots can transform into anything, why not the theory that the Vatican is actually composed of one or more giant robots that have transformed to protect the humans. Why limit their transformation capabilities to objects that move? If several Autobots can combine to become some MegaAutobot, why can’t they combine to form a vast structure? perhaps deep in the Vaticans secret archives is another AllSpark? Perhaps the Gargoyles that perch on the roofs of the catherdrals are not actually stone, but Robots silently waiting for the command to attack (or defend) the humans below.
I would honestly say Skippy should get credit for this next Transformers movie even if it just as creative consultant. Bravo Skippy!
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July 10th, 2009 at 4:36 am
Didn’t the Autobots have a city/base that was an Autobot?
Captcha bellevue Santos – every hospital should its own saint
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Caine reply on July 10th, 2009 6:51 am:
Yes, the robot was called Metroplex.
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Minty reply on July 10th, 2009 9:43 am:
And it pretty much sucked for camouflage purposes. Yes, people are generally stupid as a rule, but somebody’s going to wonder just how a city sprung up out of nowhere in the space of an hour. Furthermore, as wiser heads have asked, what the hell happens to the people who try and live in Metroplex?
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Swissjak reply on July 10th, 2009 6:55 am:
Yeah, its name was Metroplex.
Ever stop and think how much Transformers did to spread speech impediment awareness?
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SKD reply on July 10th, 2009 9:32 am:
Nope.
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July 10th, 2009 at 5:54 am
I am not sure about the Catholic church, but this might explain Scientology.
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SKD reply on July 10th, 2009 9:35 am:
The two mythologies(Scientology/Transformers) do mesh together pretty well now that you bring it up.
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July 10th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Dan Brown? Dan Brown?!
[Cue seizure]
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Lit reply on July 10th, 2009 2:38 pm:
I’m pretty sure that there were a fair number of geeks out there that had the same reaction when they heard Michael Bay was going to direct the first movie.
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StoneWolf reply on July 10th, 2009 2:50 pm:
Oh, God! Get the paddles, get the paddles! We must electrocute Brown before he can turn out more crap!
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Minty reply on July 10th, 2009 6:02 pm:
Fuck the paddles. Get a goddamn car battery, Geneva be damned.
But only for Dan Brown.
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StoneWolf reply on July 11th, 2009 7:57 am:
Oh, if we’re ignoring Geneva, I suggest we use patience and get creative.
Minty reply on July 11th, 2009 1:19 pm:
This is true. Hm. . . suggestions?
AnonyMouse reply on July 12th, 2009 7:39 pm:
Re:Ignoring Geneva
…. Lots of ideas.
Just not very many feasible ones.
I’m gonna go ahead and make a list and a chart to illustrate how unfeasible it is and how much fun we can have doing it.
Sicarius reply on July 13th, 2009 7:04 am:
Give me salt, lemon juice, a potato peeler, a deep fryer, heat resistant gloves, and red hot needles.
Minty reply on July 13th, 2009 9:35 am:
Dan Brown as a side dish. Sounds fun! I’ll bring the Spanish paprika.
July 10th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Actually, the Church’s estimate is closer to 10,000 years, depending upon who’s doing the math.
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July 10th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Why in the 9 bloody hells would you want dan brown? I mean I would settle for Turtledove, since he put the magic spin on ww2. but Transformers have and always will own, before and after the movies shred them.
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July 12th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Oh to heck with it lets get Terry Pratchett and Neil Geiman (sp) to do it, hell a disk world spin would be great
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Minty reply on July 13th, 2009 9:38 am:
Sadly, those two’s reputations for being the Terry Gilliams of the written word are too well-known to piss off the Vatican. Dan Brown, on the other hand, makes most of his money off the conspiracy nut circuit.
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July 14th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Dan Brown writing a transformers movie would be kinda funny.
I heard the 3rd movie had already been confirmed before the 2nd movie was released into cinemas.
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