Australian List
You know you’re Australian when
(Submitted by ShuttleZ)
1. You know the meaning of the word “girt”.
2. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
3. You think it’s normal to have a leader called Kevin.
4. You still don’t get why the “Labor” in “Australian Labor Party” is not spelt properly with a “u”.
5. You believe that democracy means the freedom to draw caricatures of good ol’ K-Rudd.
6. You’ve heard the Prime Minister dismiss anyone who disagrees with him simply as “un-Australian”, and that’s enough to make us sit down and shut up.
7. You know that Sydney 2000 was one of our proudest moments in history. We just fucking rock!
8. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
9. Part of your garden hose has been used to make a bong rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
10. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son’s pencil case when he first attends school.
11. You understand that the phrase “a group of women wearing black thongs” refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
12. You know the difference between thongs and a G-string.
13. You know that “stubbies” are either short shorts or small beer bottles, a “gimp”, “bogan” or “geezer” is a random idiot, someone in trouble is in “strife” and you’re liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans “rooting” for something or their “fanny” hurts!!
14. You pronounce Melbourne as “Mel-bin”.
15. You pronounce Penrith as “Pen-riff”.
16. Minto is “Mino”
17. You believe the “l” in the word “Australia” is optional.
18. You know that some people pronounce Australia like “Strayla” and that’s ok.
19. You can translate: “Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.”
20. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate it’s highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
21. You call your best friend “a total bastard” but someone you really, truly despise is just “a bit of a bastard”.
22. During any Grand Final (That is NRL, AFL and even ARU ……wogball is getting up there as well), if you support opposite teams, you may have been the best of mates for a life time but come kick-off, you can just fuck right off to the other corner pal. That is, until the game is over. Everything’s right and you buy drinks for the victor/loser.
23. You think “Woolloomooloo” is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
24. You’re proud of our killer wildlife.
25. You know that we are home to the just about all of the world’s deadliest of animals. That’s why if anybody messes with us we’ll get some funnel webs on their asses.
26. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin.
27. You understand that “Wagga Wagga” can be abbreviated to “Wagga”, and “Kurri Kurri” can be abbreviated to “Kurri”, but “Woy Woy” can’t be called “Woy”.
28. You feel obliged to spread salty black stuff that looks like congealed motor oil on bread… and actually like it. You’ve also squeeze Vegemite through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
29. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
30. You’re familiar with Neighbours, Home and Away, Playschool, A Country Practice, Norman Gunston, Barry Humphries, Blue Heelers, Ray Martin, Bert Newton, Lisa McCune, Jon Burgess, Number 96, Molly Meldrum, Kerry O’Brien, and of course, Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch.
31. You still think of Kylie as “that girl off Neighbours”.
32. You like hamburgers with Beetroot.
33. Football, Kangaroos, Meat Pies and Holden Cars……. End of story!
34. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song “Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again”.
35. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
36. You wear ugg boots outside the house.
37. You KNOW ugg boots were invented in Australia. In fact, you still have the pair you got for your Birthday 20 years ago.
38. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance (see 37!).
39. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
40. You understand that “excuse me” can sound rude, while “scuse me” is always polite.
41. You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
42. You understand that “you” has a plural and that it’s “youse”.
43. You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and you stick to the car seat.
44. You know that in summer a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
45. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call “Anzac cookies”.
46. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs – just in case you’re trying to sneak in fruit.
47. You believe the phrase “smart casual” refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
48. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
49. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
50. You know that Burger King doesn’t exist. It’s Hungry Jacks.
51. You know that snow is a memorable and freakish occurrence. Sometimes it’s even fake.
52. You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto etc.
53. You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them.
54. You know that there is a universal place called “woop woop” located in the middle of nowhere… no matter where you actually are.
55. You know that while we call our friends “mates”, we don’t use terms like “sheila” and “shrimp on the barbie”, contrary to popular belief.
56. You also know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says “cobber”. EVER!
57. You know that none of us actually drink Fosters because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.
58. You’ve seen Gallipoli, Crocodile Dundee, Young Einstein, Muriel’s Wedding, The Castle, Beneath Clouds, Strictly Ballroom, 40,000 Horsemen, and maybe even WolfCreek.
59. It makes you happy when someone in Hollywood is actually Australian… Mel Gibson, Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Baz Luhrman, Elle MacPherson, Olivia Newton-John, Midnight Oil, ACDC, INXS, Greg Norman, Cathy Freeman, Dawn Fraser, Pat Rafter, Ian Thorpe…
60. One word: Skippy.
61. You know our country has never been conquered by a foreign nation (you don’t count 1788).
62. We know that the Metric system will always be better than anything inches, feet, pounds and Fahrenheit will ever offer.
63. You drive on the left-hand side of the road.
64. If you’re a pedestrian and cars are stopped at a red light, you will fearlessly cross the street in front of them. “Hit and runs” just aren’t cricket. Because Aussies stick together.
65. You know that New Zealanders are basically our naive country cousins, who have a weird fush-and-chups accent and, for some bizare reason, think that they invented pavlova. They are to be pitied. They have no hope of gaining the upper hand in the endless sporting rivalry between our two nations.
66. You know that you can’t eat Fantales alone… Otherwise who will you play the “Who am I…” game with when you’re reading the wrapper?
67. You know that Sydney should be the capital, because Canberra is a hole.
68. You know that Americans think we’re all Steve Irwin clones. And crickey, they couldn’t be more wrong.
69. You know that lawyers wear wigs and gowns. And we make it look good.
70. You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.
71. You have the ability to compress several words into one – ie “g’day” and “d’reckn?”. This allows more space for profanities.
72. You’ve ever used the words – tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet – to mean good. And then you place “bloody” in front of it when you REALLY mean it.
73. You know that the barbeque is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the salad.
74. You say “no worries” quite often, whether you realise it or not.
75. You know what fairy bread tastes like, and you can’t imagine your childhood without it.
76. You’ve drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
77. You laughed so hard at The Comedy Co. that you’ve snorted milo/tea/coffee out of your nose. (Con the Fruiterer anyone?)
78. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
79. You know that backyard cricket is a nice way to bond with family and the rubbish bin. And the “one bounce, one hand” rule always applies.
80. You know there’s no lbw in backyard cricket, and over the fence is out.
81. You see people walking bare-foot on the sidewalk and don’t scorn…. because you’re doing it too.
82. You know what trop-fest is and it makes you happy.
83. You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok and have offered advice that included the words, “she’ll be right, mate”.
84. You have a story that somehow involves an excessive consumption of booze… but you can’t remember.
85. You own a Bond’s chesty………. In several different colours.
86. GO THE BLUES!
87. You’ve ordered a steak the size as your head and only paid $5 at your local RSL.
88. You know that Italy should never have been granted that fateful kick in the 2006 Soccer World Cup.
89. You know how to slip, slop, slap like it’s nobody’s business.
90. You know that the value of a public holiday is measured in terms of alcohol. God bless the queen and her 4-day birthday.
91. You know you that roo meat tastes pretty good, but not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.
And finally,
92. You know Drop Bears exist. Positively
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June 21st, 2009 at 11:28 pm
*reads list* Only 4 in there that I didn’t agree with. (Then again, I’m not fond of salad in my burgers, so beetroot fits in that catagory anyway…)
I’m apparently doing my country proud.
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June 21st, 2009 at 11:50 pm
I’d just like to point out that while us Kiwis are indeed sheep shagging bumpkins with a penchant for claiming pav,
a) the number of famous Kiwis you try and claim more than makes up for our one pav claim (Phar Lap, Russell Crowe etc).
and b) we sell our mutton and lamb to you, post use. Think about that at your next Sunday roast . . .
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Ms T reply on June 23rd, 2009 5:14 am:
I’m thinking about my last Sunday roast. Considering I went outside, picked one of MY sheep, and killed/gutted it myself, I think I’m in the clear. As for the city folk who aren’t… Well, they’ll just have to take comfort that after growing up eating vegemite and forever taunt forieners with witchetty grubs, we can eat pretty much anything without worrying about what people have done to it ;)
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June 22nd, 2009 at 12:15 am
Sounds pretty Canadian to me.. ‘specially the beer. “Oh sure, we’re FAMOUS for beer x.. let’s export it and keep the good stuff at home!”
And the wagon wheel HAS been getting smaller the cheap bastards.
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Thrice I Loose reply on June 22nd, 2009 2:26 am:
Pretty American too. “Let’s export the Busweiser and Michelob (those poor bastards) and keep the good local stuff.”
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StoneWolf reply on June 22nd, 2009 4:32 am:
I think the beer think is universal. Here at home, local brew is better than export and when I went to Germany the local beer was better too. Except all the German kids were drinking Becks because they thought it made them “American” and cool. Crappy ass light beer.
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Minty reply on June 22nd, 2009 9:42 am:
I was never so embarassed as when I went to Ireland and found out Coors was doing a “beer exchange” with Guiness. Poor damn Irishmen.
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paula reply on June 22nd, 2009 8:17 pm:
Twenty years ago, I spent a couple years working at the PX up at Thule Air Base in northern Greenland. All the Americans on base were drinking Tuborg — “because its imported!” — and all the Danes were drinking Miller Lite — “because its imported!”
(Also Coors refused to ship to Thule: I swear to you, their reason was a belief that we COULD NOT KEEP IT PROPERLY CHILLED. Wtf? We were 795 miles from the North Pole, for cryin’ out loud: ‘chilled’ was NOT a problem!)
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Thrice I Loose reply on June 23rd, 2009 12:19 am:
I was born in Colorado, and until the early 80’s Coors used to be a local brew. You couldn’t find it anywhere but in the Rockies. Now it’s just ruined. Conversely, Guinness is great in Ireland, but tastes like crap anywhere it’s exported.
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Tzanti reply on June 23rd, 2009 2:24 am:
Three letters – R.N.G
Real Nigerian Guinness. I shit thee not. Brewed and bottled in Lagos, and drunk all over the world. Way better than any kegged stout. Taste’s like the proper stuff.
Thrice I Loose reply on June 23rd, 2009 2:41 am:
Makes sense. Apparently stout does not keep well. Ale, especially IPA, is about the only stuff that will keep when shipped anywhere. I believe it stands for India Pale Ale. From what I understand that’s what was brewed and kept on ships with the East India Trading Co.?
Pte Walker reply on June 22nd, 2009 10:12 am:
Haha, I’m totally gonna write a Canadian List now
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Shadowydreamer reply on June 22nd, 2009 10:27 am:
Sweet! Can’t wait to see it..
#17 – Toronto, the place that unites the country in hatred for it.
#42 – You defend hockey and beer as a way of life even if you don’t watch one and can’t stand to drink the other.
#71 – You’ve ever said “Pffft. Americans may have manifest destiny, but Canadians have TIM HORTONS!”
Captcha : and braless .. Apparently captcha’s been to wreck beach!
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Anonymous reply on December 31st, 2014 10:54 pm:
You know who Stan Rogers is.
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:13 am
86. GO THE BLUES!
QUEENSLANDER!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111
PS: I don’t even follow the NRL, but it’s the principle of the thing. :-|
PPS: I studied linguistics at the University of Queensland, and there was actually a bit on when it is appropriate to insert the word “bloody” into the middle of another word.
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Freiheit reply on June 22nd, 2009 9:09 pm:
“I studied linguistics at the University of Queensland, and there was actually a bit on when it is appropriate to insert the word “bloody” into the middle of another word.”
I’m curious, when is it OK to inbloodysert it in the middle of a word?
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Sweet Sister Morphine reply on June 22nd, 2009 9:37 pm:
The most common situation is in a word with at least four syllables, before the syllable upon which emphasis is placed.
For example, it is perfectly acceptable to say “Woolloon-bloody-gabba”, “Yackan-bloody-danda” or “abso-bloody-lutely”, but “Ade-bloody-laide” isn’t and “”Ip-bloody-swich” is right out.
It is also technically OK to say “Burpen-bloody-gary”, however I have yet to meet anyone not from Brisbane (pronounced “Brisb’n”, BTW) who is capable of saying “Burpengary” without giggling.
I think there may be a technical term for the phenomenon, but 1998 was a long time ago, and I have managed to repress most memories of my linguistics classes, except for the bits that involved elision, the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schwa"schwa (Australia’s national vowel) or the word “defenestration”.
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Lokim8 reply on June 23rd, 2009 12:17 am:
QUEENSLANDER!!!!!
Fosters is crap, go Tooheys Extra Dry Platinum for the WIN!
Who is gonna win the second origin tomorrow? QLD
And what was the score last season?
BTW im probably not getting laid tonight for said comments cause mah girl is a bloody Blue.
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dragon.grrl reply on June 23rd, 2009 12:19 am:
as GF of the above…
No, you’re not getting laid. BLUES WILL TRIUMPH, QLD cheated… bloody un-Australian buggers.
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cmdr. crashlander reply on May 1st, 2011 4:02 pm:
I had a cocatiel named Foster “Australian fo bird”
Won’t drind tes stuff tho’.
OZ analogy to Budwiser. Yuck!
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cmdr. crashlander reply on May 1st, 2011 4:06 pm:
Oops. Can’t use spell check either.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:29 am
this has to do with #58. I’ve always wondered what the Aussies think about “Danny Deckchair.” And I also noticed that Nicole Kidman was omitted.
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TheShadowCat reply on June 22nd, 2009 12:27 pm:
Nicole Kidman is there right behind Mel Gibson. Where’s Hugh Jackman? (Wouldn’t mind finding him hiding in my closet. Hubby on the other hand…)
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Thrice I Loose reply on June 23rd, 2009 12:21 am:
Yep, I had a brain fart.
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June 22nd, 2009 at 2:30 am
scratch that, brain fart, Nicole was there
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June 22nd, 2009 at 4:15 am
57: that’s why the rest of us call it “Roo Piss”
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June 22nd, 2009 at 4:30 am
58: The Dish.
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June 22nd, 2009 at 4:34 am
Bloody good list. I reckon if those republican scum ever get rid of the Queen you get to be president.
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June 22nd, 2009 at 6:43 am
this has to do with #58. I’ve always wondered what the Aussies think about “Danny Deckchair.”
Never seen it, but it has David Wenham in it, which instantly counts as a redeeming feature.
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June 22nd, 2009 at 7:29 am
# 84 is pretty universal. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard stories that started with ‘I drank so much last night…’
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Lokim8 reply on June 23rd, 2009 12:33 am:
Best of them sart with “Well me and mah mate **** were down the ****, absolutely shitfaced”
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June 22nd, 2009 at 9:11 am
Vegemite Worms is such a cool band name. (#28)
And I have the theme to Skippy in the background on my outgoing voicemail message.
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June 22nd, 2009 at 9:41 am
I am dangerously close to be and Ozzie apparently :0
And have to agree with the bloody thing and the Wagon Wheels, they’re at least a third of the size they used to be you bastards!
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June 22nd, 2009 at 10:03 am
And yet, with the dangerous animals and weather, I have to say upstate NY counts for a little bit at least. Few other places electrify thier garbage, and only in my hometown of Old Forge can you have summers that involve having only a few safe places to set your hand or sit, and have winters that have temps that compete with Alaska. Also, no matter who you say it to, and what context you mean, if you say somebody from upstate NY is canadian, you will get beat, and probably fed to a bear.
captcha: also fishtail, how else do you think we keep the damn bears under control?
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Billy reply on June 22nd, 2009 10:08 am:
My apologies, I still get a bit irritable when I hear that any part of NY not part of the city counts as canada. Though I still remember being told that if you see a bear, don’t run, just cross the street and leave it alone. And yet I still remember across the street from my house there was a cop chasing a bear with a super soaker. Found out later, the reason it wasn’t the other way around was because the super soaker was full of amonia.
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ShuttleZ reply on June 22nd, 2009 5:34 pm:
Gotta watch out for those Drop Bears here. Drop Bears are dangerous creatures that hide in gum trees. You can tell if one of them is hiding in a tree by lying on your back beneath the tree and spitting upwards. If the Drop Bear is up there, it’ll spit back.
We only discovered that Vegemite was tasty AFTER we developed it to ward off the Drop Bear. They lurk in Australian gum trees and look just like a fierce koala bear. They sleep during the day, and only come out at night to feed. How they attack is, they drop from the tree, land on your shoulders and rip out and eat your neck. To ward off an attack by drop bears, campers and bush walkers are advised to smear a layer of Vegemite on the back of your neck as the smell will drive them off.
You should also be careful of the Trip Snake, cousin to the Hoop Snake. The snake will pull itself across the track you are walking on (coiling its tail/body around something on each side) and then, when you fall over, bite you so it can eat you.
Love these Captchas!: victims came – across Drop Bears!
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StoneWolf reply on June 24th, 2009 6:35 am:
Its okay. I’m right across the lake and some of my relatives think I’m Canadian.
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Sequoia reply on June 27th, 2009 8:50 pm:
Welcome to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (UP for short) where we ALWAYS get counted as part of Canada. On maps, by tourists, relatives, hell probably even the goddamn Trolls, etc.
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June 22nd, 2009 at 10:07 am
#24–Why does this even need to be said? Who wouldn’t be proud of that?
#37–Oh, so it’s Australia who’s to blame for Uggs, is it? And here I always liked Australia.
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June 22nd, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Great stuff. But as well as Drop Bears, should have mentioned Trapdoor Tackle Spiders – W-A-Y scarier.
One important thing omitted from the list. When talking, most Australians move their lips as little as possible. Reason being that to do otherwise lets the flies in.
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Thrice I Loose reply on June 23rd, 2009 10:49 pm:
No shit! I was watching the Animal Planet’s 10 deadliest of Australia. Forget the venom packing ants and snakes! Those fangs on that spider are enough to make my skin crawl.
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Ian M reply on June 24th, 2009 7:26 am:
Hmm. I am guessing that the beast you saw was the Funnel Web spider – extremely venomous, fangs that can puncture through a fingernail, quite aggressive and evil-tempered. Stay well away from them – we’ve had antivenom for a number of years, but you still don’t want to be bitten. Trust me on that.
The Trapdoor Tackle Spider is … different and, like the Drop Bear and the Hoop Snake, tends to target non-Australians. It is an ambush predator, digging a well-concealed burrow in the ground, from which it jumps out to kill its prey.
A few things to note. First, it resembles Funnel Web Spiders in pretty much the same way that Drop Bears resemble Koalas. That is to say, it is a helluva lot bigger, meaner and more dangerous than its lesser cousin. Second, its favourite prey are large grubs. Third, certain smells drive it absolutely berserk – most notably, AMMONIA. Fourth, when really hyped up, it can jump at least a yard into the air.
Think about those facts for a minute.
All of which means that, if you are a tourist in the Australian wilderness, you need to be very VERY careful about where you urinate. Because, if you choose the wrong place, your first inkling of trouble will be sudden agony and a berserk plate-sized spider solidly latched onto your crotch. Powerful fangs and lots of venom that tends towards the corrosive. Need I say more?
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June 23rd, 2009 at 12:29 am
93: you can sing the words to at least 3 Acca Dacca songs and can still do so after consuming copious quantities of alcohol, long after you have forgotern your own name.
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June 23rd, 2009 at 2:38 am
I grew up in rural Norfolk, and some of those are were true for us. The national anthem (I still only know the first verse of GSQ) and number 48.
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June 23rd, 2009 at 5:17 am
#94 – When the Melbourne cup is on, you will not move, not even breath, except to turn the TV/radio on to listen.
#95 – It doesn’t count as gambling if its the Melbourne Cup.
67. You know that Sydney should be the capital, because Canberra is a hole.
—
Hey now, Canberra is not a hole. …It’s a circle. And it makes perfect sense that its the capital – if someone actually tries to invade, they’ll never be able to find the Parliment House.
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Failhammer reply on June 25th, 2009 3:00 am:
I think Canberra is one of the world’s only ‘purpose built’ capitals, and yes, Sydney shuold be the capital.
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June 24th, 2009 at 5:03 am
#2 Certainly applies in the U.S. Of course I make a habit of singing the second verse while all around everyone else is singing the first. People look at me funny, althoug one friend asked whether I was singing the original drinking song lyrics.
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June 30th, 2009 at 9:03 am
#1: Is that “girt” as in saddle girth, or is it like, “He… took a towel, and girded himself. … and began to wash the disciples’ feet…”
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Proud Aussie reply on July 7th, 2009 3:04 am:
Maaaate!
Girt means “Surrounded” basically, when you come to Australia, we use that word all the time. As you come into Sydney Airport the Captain will say something like the following: “Good afternoon ladies and Gentlemen, this is the captain, as you look out your windows you will notice that Australia is completely girt by water, on your way to the hotel from the airport, you are likely to be girt by traffic”, when police in Australia do a siege, they say something like “You bastards come out! We have you girt!”
I love my country!
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July 7th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Excellent list and comments. It is scary, as an Aussie who has traveled and lived internationally for a lot of the last 20 years. I get them all!!
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August 17th, 2009 at 2:46 am
43 & 44 are both valid for anywhere it gets bloody hot in the summer. I lived in Alice Springs, NT, AUS for almost two years (got there on 10 Dec 1969 and left on 2 Dec 1971). It takes a lot longer to go from Iowa in the winter to Alice Springs in late autumn (temps above 38 °C, whereas Iowa was around 0 °C). Right now I live in Phoenix, AZ, USA and when I came here on a job interview trip I thought to myself, “Just like Alice Springs only wetter and cooler.” The hottest it has gotten in Phoenix was 122 °F (50 °C) on June 26, 1990. According to my memory it got to 127 °F (52.78 °C) both summers I was in Alice Springs. According to Google it has gotten milder. There was a drought on when I was there that was broken by 6 mm rainfall one day one year and it rained the next year also (also about 6 mm).
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September 29th, 2012 at 7:20 am
An addition to rule 59; Isn’t Geoffrey Rush Australian
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