Whole Glory?
This happened to me recently in Iraq. And while the joke is on me, it’s funny enough that I care less about it’s me people are laughing at, as opposed to the situation at hand.
The port a potties here on JBB have a “gay code” in them. Anyone stationed over here knows what I’m talking about. But you’ll see strange email addresses written on the port a potty walls with “M4M”
underneath it. With an email like “hardandlong21@yahoo.com” with M4M underneath it, I pieced 2 and 2 together and deciphered M4M meant Man 4 Man. I was on akochat working the nightshift. I was bored, and the only chat room that is authorized is AKO. So I decided to see if anyone was in one of the Iraq chat rooms. I chose one (which I now know, was a bad idea) called “Rainbow Iraq” I thought it would be full of smart-assed people, because if I was to make a room, it’d be something cute and fuzzy, like “Care Bear Stare.” I lurk here for a little bit before being “introduced” to someone named Alexis.
Me and Alexis start talking. Found out we had some similar interests, and that we were both stationed in Iraq. We talk for a few days before we realize that not only do we BOTH stay on the same FOB, but in the same housing area, almost right next to each other. From there, the talk turned naughty. We made plans to meet up, but I ended up canceling due to wanting to go out and jam with my band instead.
A few days later, the talk turned naughty again, and we made plans to see each other again. I had a pt test in the morning and Alexis had off. So I said, when I went to go shower and shave, I’ll stop by.
“I’ll give you something to think about so you want to pass your pt test tomorrow” and started asking me what I liked. I listed a few things off, and then I got a strange question…”have you ever been with another man?” I replied that I was not gay, not that I have anything against gays, I just like 1 penis, and that is my own. Which was followed by another more disturbing question…”so, I’m going to be your first?”
I shot back from my chair, and grew pale (from my SGT’s perspective).
Alexis (female name right?) *Austin powers voice* was a man baby yeah.
Needless to say, I withdrew all plans that I had with him, and made sure to stop going to ako chat. My SGT (who went to the same chat room because that chat room had people and we were bored) stopped going as well. Especially after he had a close encounter by himself. Almost the same situation, but he caught on early enough.
The portapotties here on JBB have a “gay code” in them. Anyone stationed over here knows what I’m talking about. But you’ll see strange email address’ written on the port a potty walls with “M4M”
underneath it. With an email like “hardandlong21@yahoo.com” with M4M underneath it, I pieced 2 and 2 together and deciphered M4M meant Man 4 Man. It took for the Alexis project for me to fully understand it.
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May 11th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Been on two 8 month stints at JBB (First time it was LSA Anaconda as an individual deployment to my own unit 1.5 months after getting to Germany, second was in my current SF group on a dep 2 months longer than normal. Fucking 5th group pussies… Second the Air Force changed the name of the base and changed their callsign 4 times [once at the suggestion of one of our E-5s…].) Going again soon… Every year…
And I knew that shit was for real the first time. Or a CID trap. Either way, funny. And tragic, that servicemen/women would have to resort to that because of who they were attracted to, rather than their capabilities.
Gays do serve. I’m not one of them, but I would rather work with one who is good at his job than a dickhead who’s useless, thinks he’s always right, and and only pulls out his rank when someone calls him on it. Or is just an asshole who ignores his subordinate’s talents.
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Jim A reply on May 12th, 2009 9:27 am:
Back when I worked in the Pentagon, there was quite a bit of gay graffiti in the nearest men’s room to where I was working. Since this was BEFORE don’t ask, don’t tell, I ALWAYS assumed that it was CID trolling. As a straight civilian I never really cared, I just figured you’d have to be crazy to respond.
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May 11th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
let me reiterate. i’m not gay, nor am i homophobic. it may have come off like that. it’s more of the ‘what the hell…” type of scenario, something that you werent expecting.
I have gay friends, i’m not intimidated by them, as i’m comfterable enough with myself not to be. like i said, i thought for about a week that i was talking dirty with a woman.
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TeratoMarty reply on May 12th, 2009 7:17 am:
It’s OK, Soulex, chill. You don’t come off as homophobic. Kind of oblivious, but… well, you know. Nice enough.
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paula reply on May 12th, 2009 10:19 am:
oblivious….. sorta like the time when I asked a bunch of friends if they wanted to go Christmas caroling, and one of ’em gave me this strange look when he said he couldn’t, ’cause his whole family was gonna be over that evening to celebrate Chanukah? Well how was I supposed to know he was Jewish?!?
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Signalist reply on September 14th, 2011 4:19 am:
could be that it’s because I live on different continent, but here Alexis (or Aleksis) is a guy’s name, then again my own first name is also a girl’s name in the USA…
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May 12th, 2009 at 12:04 am
For some reason I’m thinking of the Becker episode where he got trapped on a Gay Singles cruise.. and one of the guys he met on the cruise leaves him a message of “I know you’re not gay, but give me 5 minutes and you could be!”
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May 12th, 2009 at 4:21 am
That’s just hilarious! Don’t worry, though, many of us have been that dense before. If you’re just not thinking about it, you tend not to see the signs. Many of us have been there in some form or another.
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May 12th, 2009 at 5:10 am
In Bosnia I had a PFC that would go into chat rooms before they were banned. We’d look over his shoulder as he spouted off all sorts of crazy stuff. He was in a “teen-gay-lesbian” chat when he was asked what his most memorable “experience” had been. He replied “chickens.” The chatting, which had been flowing fast and furiously, stopped dead, the curser blinking.
We laughed so hard the rest of the night shift had to come see what was happening and they laughed so hard it woke up the battle captain.
I’ve served with gays since 1978. The only rules I have are keep your keep your hands to yourself and “no” means no. Just like in kindergarten.
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StoneWolf reply on May 12th, 2009 11:34 am:
I think most folk are fine with the “Hands to yourself and no means no” method. Assuming your not a Homophobe or something. I worked with a gay guy who was alwasy drooling over Collin Farrel. He never made a move on me though, so I didn’t care, he was fun to work with.
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SFC TC reply on May 12th, 2009 1:06 pm:
My only issue with homosexuals has been tose times when privacy was an issue. Ft. Bragg this came up with the old group latrines. The homosexual in our unit then at least had the decency to wait until everyone was done or got in before everyone else after PT.
Of course my main problem with that isn’t he’s gay, but that I don’t have the option of showering with the women.
Captcha:
Her Solarium
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May 12th, 2009 at 6:55 am
I served with gays in the Navy. The rule that everyone here seems to be following applied there as well. Keep your hands to yourself, no means no.
We had one guy who was flamboyantly gay, and had come out to all of the enlisted personnel and a number of officers as well. None of us cared, because he kept to himself (though he would talk about it if asked) and by god he stood his watches! Then again, we were nukes… we didn’t care what the hell you did in your off hours so long as you stood your watches, because that meant that we didn’t have to stand your watches!
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May 12th, 2009 at 7:13 am
HA! Sorry, Soulex, this is just too funny. Out of curiosity, what kind of dirty talk were you doing where either you didn’t sort out that Alexis was male and/or he didn’t sort out that you like the ladies?
I had a similar experience online recently. I was trying to figure out how Second Life works (yes I’m a dork), and this lady avatar started hitting on me. I told her thanks but no thanks, I’m gay; turns out that ‘she’ was actually being played by a man, but that he had no interest in interacting with gays. He wanted to play a lady having straight sex with people playing men. About then my eyes crossed and I logged off.
Captcha: Deimos Buttram. Gay panic. I am not making this up.
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Stickfodder reply on May 12th, 2009 8:03 am:
Yeah Second Life can be a strange place. Especially when you start to get hit on by someone with a dog avatar. I’m not talking a furry, I’m talking a dog as in walks on all fours. The internet can be a strange, creepy, and sometimes scary place.
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TeratoMarty reply on May 12th, 2009 8:49 am:
Aw man… and here I thought I was being funny when I walked up behind a Second Life cow and humped it. Little did I know that was a valid form of sexual self-expression.
In retrospect, what happened with that ‘lady’ wasn’t all that odd. I was thrown by the cognitive dissonance of a ‘lady’ actually being a guy who didn’t like guys, the gender/sexuality thing had me kerfuffled. But in reality, what happened was that this was a guy with a fantasy, and I wasn’t playing along. If I had a buck for every time that happened… well, I’d still be broke, because I’m usually a pretty good sport.
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Minty reply on May 12th, 2009 9:11 am:
I used to know a couple straight men who liked to play women in RPGs. I never wanted to get psychoanalytical on them, but my guess is that since they were all over 6 ft tall and 180 lbs, they were curious what it would be like to be their total opposite, and the only way they thought could get away with it was in a fantasy game atmosphere. Oddly enough, they did a better job playing women than actual women who tried the same. Go figure.
May 12th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Being from the San Francisco Bay Area, I saw what was coming from a mile away.
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May 12th, 2009 at 9:27 am
“M4M” and “hardandlong21@yahoo.com” on the bathroom wall. . .a chatroom with “rainbow” in the name. . .sounds less like “hi! I’m naive” and more “dur, brain lazy, not put together clues.” Or maybe even a bit of “Hello, Superego here. I’m bored, and think I’ll fuck with the Id for a few days.”
As for the Alexis handle and lack of “clues” in chat, I’m not particularly surprised. Homosexual culture has a long history of using codespeak to protect itself. Hence the very origins of “gay,” “queer” and “queen.”
In other words, don’t feel bad. It happens to the best of us.
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Soulex? reply on May 12th, 2009 11:56 am:
haha, well, i have a long history of screwing with people online, and i have disassociated rainbows with the heterosexually challenged community. so honestly, i didnt even think that it was a gay room. to me rainbows are funny, if there was a room called “i luv my unicorn” i would have went in there first.
truth be told, i thought the emails was to pick up chicks, i didnt even piece together M4M until that stuff happened to me.
Alexis is real, my NCO was taking a shower about a week ago (incidentally) and 2 guys were having a conversation about sex. lo and behold, one of the guys said his name was Alexis. seeing that they were talking about man area at the time, my NCO booked it out of there relatively fast because he was tempted to do 2 things. 1) laugh uncontrollably at my expense, and 2) ask Alexis if he ever talked to me and if he wanted to.
gaming wise, i’ve played chick characters. chick characters = free stuff from desperate men online. mean yes, but they should have some common sense (yes i see the irony)
as far as what i talked about with alexis? more or less what i like women to do to me. what (s)he wanted to do to me, and or whatever. it got pretty graphic. and since i refuse to cyber (it is the stupidest thing…ever) i told him hell no until we met.
which never happened.
my bi friends laughed at the story when i told them on R and R. they didnt let me live it down.
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May 12th, 2009 at 10:02 am
This was too funny! I am of the same camp of don’t ask, don’t misbehave. Be gay..just understand I love you dearly…not queerly. Love you like a brother…not a lover. It seemed while I was in EVERY gay soldier came out to me and then said “what do I do”. The last straw was when I get a knock on my door at 3 am. Room Mate is like “Hey Aries! It’s for you!” I was like “WTF…who is it”. I was snuggled up with this blonde gal I hooked up with recently. She had “latina hips”, hot Russian looks, was bisexual and a bit of a ominvore in the sex department. One of the few people who scares me in the sack.
Anyhow, in comes gay soldier to my side of the room and says “I need to talk…I am gay”. Blonde girl looks at me and says “Aries! You said you wouldn’t THAT kind of threesome ever since you couldn’t find someone. Now we can! Yippiee!” Talk about wrong timing.
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StoneWolf reply on May 12th, 2009 11:41 am:
Ouch. I’m guessing gays come out too you because you’re not a homophobe or an asshole. For everyone I know who came out, I’ve been top three of the people who they came out too, including a guy who is a gay furry and gets more turned on by computers than people. He actually tricked me into helping him make his suit too.
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Speed reply on May 12th, 2009 11:54 am:
Guys coming out at 0300? You missed the perfect punchline: Why are you bothering me? Here’s a marker, the male latrine’s down the hall…
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AriesOmega reply on May 13th, 2009 8:27 am:
I agree Speed. I so should have. Thing is the chick I was with wouldn’t shut up about my reluctance of having a MMF threesome and this caused the other guy to now question if he is really gay or bi or just confused since he thought she was sexy looking. I just wanted him at that point to go away, quit egging her on and for her to shut up and get it out of her head that I would do a MMF threesome or the other thing…a MMMF threesome. Gawds…why do I find the weird and strange kind of kinky chicks?
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Speed reply on May 13th, 2009 9:18 am:
Kinky chicks do have their uses. I had my fave kinky nympho when I was at DLI. She started talking marriage, to which I said, “Yeah, about that…” Short story, she hated me and never wanted to see me again. I can live with that.
May 12th, 2009 at 11:50 am
I found it funny when one guy who just started working with me had asked if I wanted to go see Ironman with him. Having guy friends I went to the movies with before, with none of us gay, I didn’t think anything of it, but turned him down. I found out later, he asked just about every guy he worked with the same question. And to think, I didn’t think he was gay, until people kept whispering about it. By the way, i’m the one who finds it funny how a lot of guys, when asked about their opinons about gays, say, almost word for word, “I don’t hate gays, but if one of them ever touches me…”
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StoneWolf reply on May 13th, 2009 6:32 am:
Yeah, we use to test the “tolerance” of the “if one ever touches me” lads. We had a gay buddy, DQ “Dancing Queen”, who we would sick on these guys. He’d sort of appear suddenly, plop down in their laps and “go all gay” on them. It was damn funny. We’d also play gay chiken with him. It wasn’t a matter of beating him, it was a matter of how long we could last until we gave up. We usually lost right around the time he tried to kiss us on the lips.
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May 12th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
heh… i’m on jbb right now too, when we(being my unit and myself) got here, we made fun of those things all the time. i haven’t noticed too much since i moved out of transient though.
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May 12th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Just for the record, as you found out, Alexis is one of those men’s names that has been coopted by women. Along with Ashley, Ainsley, Rowan, Aubrey, Sasha…I once knew a girl named Wesley.
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May 12th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Ashley is even the masculine version of the name.. Ashleigh is the femanine… got to hear that from grandma. she chose my name because Ashley was her favorite gone with the wind character. Always nice to know I was named after a man.
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May 12th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
i knew a guy who’s first and middle name was Tracy Ashley.
needless to say he was made fun of quite a bit.
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Minty reply on May 13th, 2009 9:55 am:
The husband of an old coworker of mine was named “Cornelius,” because it was a family tradition. He hated it, and vastly preferred the nickname “Connie.”
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May 13th, 2009 at 6:25 am
My best story along these lines is way post-Navy. I got my discharge twenty one years ago this month. My story is prbably only twelve or thirteen years ago.
I was working on the ambulance and at the hospital, so my schedule was wierd enough that I frequently would get a new partner for a month or two and then another and another. It took a while to figure out they were doing that on purpose so I would train some of the less competent medics.
So for a month or two I have a partner who is quite a bit more together than the ones they’d been having me re-train. I didn’t notice anything odd about him at all. I even found out that his dad and I work together at my hospital job.
Well we were in a sandwich chain shop having lunch one day and a guy walks past our table to refill his drink. He was probably the most obviously gay human I’ve ever seen: bicycle shorts, multiple piercings (like ten or more) in both ears, and majorly swishy walk. My first thought was ‘human punchline, nobody’s THAT flaming’ I turned to Lee to comment and discovered him totally focused in on swishy guys ass to the complete exclusion of the rest of the world.
I was a little surprised.
Back at the station that night, I’m doing mountains of paperwork, trying to finish and leave. Lee is outside restocking the ambulance. And another crew comes in. I figure they see him more than I do and wanted to try to be subtle and verify my impression without starting any rumors if I was wrong.
I got as far as “Does Lee seem a little…?” and they both blurted “You didn’t KNOW?!?!?!”
Apparently I’m pretty oblivious to that stuff.
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Speed reply on May 13th, 2009 9:22 am:
That year managing fast food, just out of the military, we had a guy that came by every day that also wore bike shorts. He swished, but the ladies all ran to the front to observe. They called him “nuts” because, apparently, the shorts were very tight – I made a point of not looking. I remember one grandmotherly type commenting that it was a shame he was gay, being outfitted like that.
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AriesOmega reply on May 13th, 2009 9:26 am:
(shudders and twitches ) Ewww!!!! Grandmothers checking out nuts!
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TeratoMarty reply on May 13th, 2009 8:05 pm:
Human punchline: that is a USEFUL concept. You see so many people walking around who, if included in a perfectly honest anecdote, would get your ass exiled from polite society for bigotry. I say this in the full knowledge that I’m probably a human punchline myself.
Captcha: Malibu Sean. Possibly the name of the guy in the bike shorts.
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November 21st, 2014 at 9:58 pm
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