The 50 Things Ihmhi Can’t Do In Church
1. Do not blaspheme the Lord in front of the Children.
2. Do not blaspheme the Lord in front of the Church Staff.
3. Do not blaspheme the Lord in front of anyone, period.
4. Not allowed to send Jehovah’s Witnesses to the Church for “inter-religious relations and cooperation”.
5. Please don’t wear that shirt with the devil chick on it.
6. Not allowed to wear that other shirt with the devil chick on it.
7. Just leave anything related to Satan at home, okay?
8. Not allowed to load up Quake on the computers.
9. Not allowed to load up any games on the computers, period.
10. Okay, you can load up games on the Administrative computer so the other admins have something to do on their downtime. Just don’t let the kids see you playing.
11. All purchases made with the church’s corporate credit card must be justified. Buying a hammer “in case we need to smash stuff” is not justified.
12. Nor is buying needlenose pliers “in case we need to pick up really tiny things”.
13. When you find inappropriate material on one of the computers, there is no need to show it to every other computer admin before deleting it and taking guesses as to who put it on there. (It was one of those videos where a bunch of jihadists behead a civilian contractor. I still don’t know who put it on there.)
14. Telling people that you are an Atheist will lead to some strange reactions, including (but not limited to):
- People stepping backwards as if you said you’ve just had leprosy
- Bugged-out eyes
- Long, interesting debates on the merits of theology and other religions
15. It will not, however, get people to stop talking to you about “all that Jesus stuff”.
16. Quoting biblical scripture to answer people’s assertions that I’ve “never read the bible” can induce headaches in some people.
17. “If you’re Jesus and you know it, clap your hands!” is not an appropriate song to sing if there’s even a remote chance of children being present.
18. Most of the staff enjoys black humor to some degree (see #17), but when you find that one that doesn’t there’s going to be hell to pay.
19. Not allowed to tell anyone else about that stuff that one Staffer told you he did in high school. He will end you.
20. The youth center in the basement shall not be referred to as “the dungeon”.
21. We do not have an iron maiden in the dungeon.
22. You can not submit a request to have an iron maiden placed in the dungeon.
23. No threatening misbehaving kids with time in the non-existent iron maiden.
24. When someone is misbehaving and you have to throw them out of the facility, you may not literally throw them out of the facility. Escort them out as politely as possible.
25. “Dirty Jokes Tuesday” is no longer acceptable on the church grounds.
26. Dirty Jokes Tuesday is completely acceptable within the confines of Staff housing. Just don’t let any kids hear you.
27. Do not play Settlers of Catan with Pastor Danny, he will destroy you.
28. Do not accuse Pastor Danny of “using his magic priest powers” to cheat at the game.
29. The flickering lights are not evidence of Pastor Danny’s “priest voodoo”.
30. Nor is rolling seven 6 times in a row.
31. Nor is Pastor Danny’s dining room table caving in just as he was doing really badly.
32. Blaspheming the Lord in other languages is still blaspheming the Lord. Keep in mind that a surprising amount of the staff understands Latin.
33. If you’re going to have Japanese “Swear-offs” with the staff that speaks that language, do not, under any circumstances, explain to the kids what you were saying.
34. No attempting to justify possible double entendres in Christian songs/hymns, i.e. “Jesus Loves the Little Children”.
35. No, you can’t dress up as “Zombie Jesus” for Halloween.
36. No, you can’t show “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter” to the after-school program.
37. Crucifixes can not be used to ward me away like a vampire.
38. Not allowed to roll around on the ground screaming “IT BURNS! IT BURNS!” when someone hands me a bible.
39. When you are scanning video camera footage for kids breaking rules in the youth center, you may not save clips of incidents “just because they’re hilarious”.
40. Anyone is welcome at Truth Seekers bible study. However, just because I’m invited doesn’t mean that I have to play “Devil’s Advocate” every time.
41. I may not literally be the Devil’s Advocate at Truth Seekers, no matter how useful it would be to have an alternative viewpoint in theological discussions.
42. Asking to read up on “the more interesting parts of the bible, like Revelations” for Truth Seekers will be met with resistance.
43. In the event that other Christians say something mean or inappropriate to me because I’m an Atheist, quoting the bible (i.e. “Turn the other cheek”, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”) is perfectly acceptable.
44. Laughing at them after the fact is not.
45. The File Server was a necessary purchase so the youth center’s computer lab could be better organized and easier to manage. Therefore you should be spending your time configuring it and getting in ready rather than gawking at all of the cool stuff it comes with. (i.e. “Holy shit, look at the size of those fans!”)
46. Not allowed to “retire” old hardware with a sledgehammer.
47. Or explosives.
48. Or by running it over with a car.
49. Do not headbutt the youth leader who has Viking ancestry. It will not end well.
50. Asking to use the youth center off-hours for your D&D group is perfectly fine. However, attempting to placate the pastor’s fears of black magic with “but the necromancer is Chaotic Good!” will hurt your chances in the future.
= = = = = =
Aside from being a developer on Fortress Forever, Ihmhi also does work with a local nonprofit youth center called Safe Haven Urban Redemption.
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April 12th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
ROFLMAO!
Classic.
To quote Matt Damon in Dogma
“I LOVE f__cking with the clergy man!”
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April 13th, 2009 at 4:31 am
Nice.
I love Catan. The only country where the roads are paved with sheep.
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Minty reply on April 13th, 2009 9:57 am:
Catan does rock, and my group, too, has someone who constantly rolls sevens. You can just imagine. . .
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April 13th, 2009 at 4:37 am
Telling my neighbor that I am Wiccan will prompt her to invite me to her church repeatedly. Some responses that pissed her off:
“My church has openings if you are interested”
“Wait, you mean I have to apply for the spot?”
“I can’t go with you, I will be sacrificing your cat/dog/small child/a goat to Ra.”
“I will be dancing naked around a bonfire that day”
“Only if you come to my spell casting tonight”
“No you moron, this is a pentacle. It is not some satanist charm”
“Leave me alone before I hex you”
“The last time I entered a church it caught fire”
“For the last time, Satan is a catholic thing, therefor not part of my religion”
“Its your hell, you burn in it.”
Have I mentioned my neighbor really pisses me off? This is the same one that I watered her lawn with total vegitation killer….
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Anna reply on April 13th, 2009 6:21 am:
Mmmn, I never understood why christians thought threatening me with hell would get me to “love jesus christ” . Threatening me with an afterlife I don’t believe in, oooh scary!! lol
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Kieran reply on April 13th, 2009 6:59 am:
Rejoice for your staunch Atheism has awarded you a place in SECULAR HEAVEN !.
http://dresdencodak.com/cartoons/dc_019.htm
:P
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kat reply on April 13th, 2009 7:28 am:
HAHAHA! I love hardcore Christians! I knew a girl in high school who kept trying to convert me and got SO angry when I pointed out the obvious flaws in her reasoning, (such as, if you actually read the old testament, there are no mentions of the devil or hell).
Captcha: sibley wiliness- sibley must be one wily fella
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Al Li reply on April 13th, 2009 10:40 am:
If you think there’s no mention of the devil in the Old Testament you’ve never read Job. I tincludes several conversations between God and Satan. The devil is also mentioned in the book of Zechariah. As for hell, it is mentioned in several books of the Old Testament, but it is NOT the hell that the Catholics made up. That isn’t mentioned ANYWHERE in the Bible, not in the Old Testament or the New Testament. Satan is also refered to as the Dragon in at least one psalm and in Revelations. Please, next time you if you actually read something, make sure you’ve read it.
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kat reply on April 14th, 2009 7:35 am:
You’re reading the newer versions, I’m talking about the old Old Testament. There are mentions of various “demons” and “devils” but not in the usual Christian sense of the Devil. That was fully made up by the catholic church, the old Jews held no such belief. They did believe in angry spirits (demons and devils) that had the power to make people sick and wreak a little havoc, and they fully believed that the gods of the pagans had power, so perhaps that is the “devil” you are talking about. But in the christian sense of a powerful being whose sole purpose in existing is to lure humans to do evil things, no, no such thing sorry.
ashley reply on April 14th, 2009 12:36 pm:
Why is jesus only allowed to come back once a year, but Lazarus can come back from the dead whenever he wants?
StoneWolf reply on April 13th, 2009 11:54 am:
I knew this Czech guy. One day while preparing dinner he gets called upon by Jehova’s Witness. He answers the door. Please note, dinner involved the butchering of a pig, and the guy had a thick accent. So he answers the door wearing a bloody apron and holding a huge bloody knife, sees the bible and says “Oh, come back in five minutes, we’re not quite finished with the virgin yet.” Then never came back. Ever.
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Storm Raven reply on April 14th, 2009 6:48 am:
I’m Heathen/Asartru and regularly get “your damned and going to hell” from the fundies.
My reponse your spelling her name wrong it’s Hel or Hella and of course I am she’s Norse goddess of the dead.
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Raven reply on May 28th, 2012 1:41 am:
I’m Wiccan and I will have to remember that one. That one is just perfect.
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ashley reply on April 14th, 2009 12:34 pm:
Added a new one..
“Sorry, I am just not into cannibalism”
She has informed me that her pastor charged her with the duty of bringing me to the ‘light’….. i guess this means I will have to come up with new responses each week.. simply saying no thank you doesnt seem to get through to her.
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johnny reply on April 15th, 2009 4:44 pm:
being an athiest the only reasons ill step into a church are loved family getting married and funerals. beyond that not going
and as for reasons not to go
Im sorry i have to keep the wall painted with fresh blood otherwise reality would collapse.
look around kinda shifty and then skulk inside and peak out the blinds be obvious about the blinds thing too cause that sells it better than anything else.
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April 13th, 2009 at 8:33 am
I’d be perfectly content with religion if they could prove that there is only one god… but the thing they use to do that shows otherwise >.>
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Minty reply on April 13th, 2009 9:58 am:
What “thing?”
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Sabra reply on April 13th, 2009 2:55 pm:
He means the Trinity. You’ll see that argument many times from people who don’t grasp the concept. Nevermind that various aspects of the same god(dess) isn’t a new concept–witness trifold Hecate, Kali, etc. It’s only the Christian concept that gets attacked, though.
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Minty reply on April 13th, 2009 3:06 pm:
Ah. That “thing.”
What makes me giggle, though, is when Catholics claim they’re monotheists, but also go on about how they pray to Mary and the Saints. They may not be “gods,” per se, but you’re still worshipping them. . .
kat reply on April 14th, 2009 12:28 pm:
Well technically, the Commandment is “Thou shalt not have any other gods BEFORE me” it doesn’t say that you can’t worship anyone else, just not hold another entity higher than you hold God. It’s really a huge loophole, I wonder if it was intentional or not…
Corp. Scurvy reply on April 14th, 2009 3:27 pm:
That might just be a translation error, they happened a lot in the earlier versions, although some of your more extreme Catholics do worship Mary above Jesus, which is really pretty stupid. The thing about the commandment is that it isn’t just “don’t worship Baal or Zeus or some other false god,” it’s saying God should be the most important thing in your life instead of, say, money or sex or video games, etc. The whole spirit of the law not just letter of the law.
April 13th, 2009 at 10:42 am
When I read numbers 5 and 6 I knew you meant Devil’s Panties.
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April 13th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Computers? Why didn’t my church have computers? The best we ever got was glow-in-the-dark statues of Our Lady.
No wonder I became a chaos-worshiping apostate. <_<
Also, things my cousin is apparently not allowed to do in church:
1. Crack jokes with parishioners during the service.
2. Particularly when he is supposed to be running the AV equipment.
3. “It’s not my fault that people like my stories better than yours.” is not a valid excuse for the above.
4. Crossing out his wife’s first name on her Bachelor of Theology certificate and inserting his own will not entitle him to use the title “Reverend”
Things I am not allowed to do in church, on the rare occasions that somebody drags me into one:
1. Sing the any of the numerous variants of The Battle Hymn of the Republic.
2. Draw comparisons between Christian liturgy and brain-washing techniques.
You would think that this would be reason enough for people stop inviting me to church services, but apparently not.
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Ihmhi reply on April 13th, 2009 5:24 pm:
The Church was literally falling apart 5 years ago. It’s thanks to the amazing work of the pastors that it was turned around.
And the computers are not so much in the church as they are in its basement, which is a youth center for their after school program. (That’s the Safe Haven linky in the article.)
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Sweet Sister Morphine reply on April 13th, 2009 6:46 pm:
My computer doesn’t seem to like the link for some reason, but it sounds cool.
Maybe it’s because I was raised a Catholic, but I tend to think of a “church” as just the actual building in which mass is celebrated, even though ours (my family moved around a lot) usually had a hall, schools, charitable organisations and all manner of other things attached to them.
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Corp. Scurvy reply on April 14th, 2009 3:22 pm:
Technically, the Church is all the people who worship there, and the actual building is called the Church building. Even though I just call it a church like everybody else.
April 13th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
wow! sweet, irony, only too true. lol
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April 14th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I only have one thing I can’t do in church. When I was 13 and had eaten chili the night before I tried a one cheek sneak just as the preacher’s son and his buds were walking by our pew, just before the service kicked off. I found out the hard way that wood is nature’s amplifier. I rescued the moment and immediately turned to my 16 year old sister and said, loudly, “Sis, you can’t do that in church.” Now that I think of it, I can’t go to family reunions either, heh.
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April 14th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Nice, just…. Nice.
I’m a Christian, and I think it’s funny. Maybe even more funny than any athiests reading.
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February 25th, 2014 at 10:36 pm
20. The youth center in the basement shall not be referred to as “the dungeon”.
When I was a wee lad in a Primary (P-2) Catholic School, our scout room was in the basement of the church next door. It wasn’t a nice room. It had the stone walls, block glass windows, concrete floors. We called it The Dungeon. The Girl Scout room next door was MUCH nicer. They had carpet, florescent lighting, and drywall for walls. Then, when we moved schools to the 3-8 building, our room was, again, in a basement of a church. Same conditions. So, we called it Dungeon #2.
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Anonymous reply on January 11th, 2015 6:02 pm:
Were you in Troop 3707 of Holy Family?
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