Disappointment.
This weekend I received the following email:
I AM VERY DISSAPOINTED THAT I HAVE NOT RECEIVED MY REPLACE MENT COUPON FOR SKIPPY CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER
ADDRESS REDACTED
Note that caps, spelling, and formatting was left alone to preserve the magic that was this email. (Except for removing his physical address)
Now despite the fact that my site has been up for a little over 8 years, I have never actually gotten an email from someone who has confused me for the peanut butter company before.
I am deciding how to respond to this guy, and am open to suggestions.
So far I have:
Politely explain that I am not affiliated with the manufacture distribution, or marketing of peanut butter. Point out that peanut butter has never even been discussed on my web site. Ask him where he got my email address.
Try to find him a coupon for peanut butter. Ideally not Skippy brand, and not for a free jar. (“I’m sorry to hear about your problem….here’s a coupon good for 50 cents off of Peter Pan”)
Find him a coupon for some non-peanut butter related product. (“I’m sorry to hear about your problem…here’s a coupon good for $5 off of an oil change at any Dallas Quick-Lube”)
Pretend to be an auto-response, and explain that Skippy’s software cannot parse capital letters, and suggest that he re-send his request in all lower-case. See how many times I can pretend to be an increasingly bizarre auto-response program before he finally Googles my email address.
Demand strange and esoteric documentation, eye-witness accounts and other such things before I can process his request. See how long I can keep it up before he Googles my email address.
Treat him as if he has reached out to me in his anguished time of no creamy Skippy, and express sympathy for his disappointment. Bond with him by sharing times I have been disappointed, and see if I can help him restore some sort of emotional equilibrium.
Attempt to sell him a Squid Pie shirt.
Willing to hear other suggestions.
July 12th, 2010 at 7:12 am
I like pretending to be an auto-response, followed by / combined with demanding strange and esoteric documentation etcetera. Perhaps offer some suggestions along the way: “Did you mean: How do I replace the oil filter in my 1962 Jaguar E-Type?”
July 12th, 2010 at 9:02 am
“Pretend to be an auto-response” followed by “Demand strange and esoteric things before I can process his request.” After you have strung him along on the first he’ll be so grateful to start receiving responses form a live human he’ll do anything. And finish up by sending a money order to him for the price equivalent of Skippy at your local market. Take the low road, then the high road. ;)
July 12th, 2010 at 10:22 am
Either “Demand strange and esoteric documentation,” etc, possible pretending to be an auto-response….
or
“Treat him as if he has reached out to me in his anguished time of no creamy Skippy, and express sympathy for his disappointment. “
July 12th, 2010 at 10:33 am
It’s like the Turing test, but in reverse. (I’m not sure if you’re all familiar with the Turing Test, it’s a test of an Artificial Intelligence, where a tester communicates with either the AI or another human by text chat and must try and tell them apart.)
Do it, do it. Auto-response.
July 12th, 2010 at 11:51 am
Attempt to sell him a Squid Pie shirt. Most likely a fan anyway or one playing a prank on a friend.
July 12th, 2010 at 12:04 pm
Pretend to be an auto response attempting to sell a Squid Pie shirt.
Or bond with him and let him know that his disappointment can only be alleviated by a Squid Pie shirt.
July 12th, 2010 at 12:45 pm
The obvious other solution is for us to ALL email Skippy demanding peanut butter….
July 12th, 2010 at 12:57 pm
respond with a professionally toned letter sent by post filled with cutout coupons for peanut butter products of all sorts (without one for Skippy Peanut Butter). In the letter, make instructions for the person to send you a collection of box tops to peanut butter type cerals, cookies, related products and $10 and in return you will send a signed Squid Pie t-shirt.
July 12th, 2010 at 1:26 pm
Act like an auto response and make esoteric requests – but respond in the same manner he wrote to you in and see how long it takes for him to get wise:
WE ARE VERY SORRY YOU HAVE NOT RECIEVED A REPLACE MENT COUPON FOR SKIPPY CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER. PLEASE SEND US THE JAR OF SKIPPY CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER, YOUR RECIEPT FOR SKIPPY CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER, A PICTURE OF YOU HOLDING THE SKIPPY CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER, YOUR ADDRESS AND A BLANK CD
July 12th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
Auto-response, auto-response! Then after a few increasingly bizarre responses, start sending him coupons for non-peanut butter related products. A bunch of them. One at a time. All with the same form letter.
July 12th, 2010 at 1:35 pm
See, you have more imagination that me.. I would just have replied, “ME NEITHER.”
July 12th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
This!
July 12th, 2010 at 2:02 pm
Captain Scurvy likes this.
It has the added advantage of giving you future blog material, by keeping us updated with what his/her responses are.
July 12th, 2010 at 4:13 pm
I would give an auto response-like reply, while still assuring him that you are Skippy and you are indeed, creamy, and send your apologies that you are out of coupons for yourself. But also that he is not allowed to eat you, unless he covers you in Peter Pan Peanut Butter.
July 12th, 2010 at 6:25 pm
may sound weird but if you have a way of selling me one that does not require paypal Im in (squirtpie shirt) &/or mug…. thing is I am @ Mexico and its hard getting paypal to work ok…. mercadolibre? craiglist (san diego), amazon???
July 12th, 2010 at 10:00 pm
Rule 34
July 12th, 2010 at 10:40 pm
Yeah I’m for this one
July 13th, 2010 at 1:01 am
You could send me a check or money order, and then wait for it to clear.
July 13th, 2010 at 5:29 am
This one.
July 13th, 2010 at 9:11 am
wait…. wat?
July 13th, 2010 at 9:14 am
“Generally accepted internet rule that states that pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject. Additionally it is accepted that the rule itself has limitations and you cannot be too specific on the content of the item in question. Most commonly used on various message boards for various reasons, from humor to cruelty.”
Source – http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Rule%2034
July 13th, 2010 at 9:17 am
just dont forget rulez 1 & 2…. or do yo wanna buket full of WIN XD jejejeje
yeah getting back on topic Skippy did you get moar email from peanut butter guy?? I votwe for automated responds XD
July 13th, 2010 at 9:26 pm
Ask the sender what they are wearing. Get kinky/
July 16th, 2010 at 6:17 pm
My official, first suggestion is you should inform him of the error of his ways. Either he’ll realize his mistake and move along, or get angry and make demands of you, at which point shit gets real hilarious.
Alternately, tell them they have the wrong email address, but you have the email address for who they NEED to talk to.
Then give them the (b)latant homosexual Marine’s email address.
July 16th, 2010 at 7:38 pm
Perhaps you should send the quick auto response stating that his concerns are very important and that this is being escalated to upper management due to the seriousness of the situation.
Write an email or two as middle management types that express sympathy and are getting this escalated to Skippy himself. The Skippy. President of Skippy Peanut Butter.
Better yet, get his phone number and have one of your representatives call him back, or perhaps he gets a call from President Skippy. Then record the whole thing and post it to the site. Just make sure you have the “recording” state that this call may be recorded for training purposes, like a real call center. If he doesn’t hang up, he has agreed to be recorded, and we are all trainees.
July 17th, 2010 at 3:24 pm
Is anybody else mildly mortified by the thought of a “President Skippy”? XD
“Things President Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the White House…”
July 17th, 2010 at 4:33 pm
I like the auto-reply approach, but start off with something like
“Dear Whomever,
While your concerns about not recieving a coupon for a free replacement jar of Skippy Creamy Peanutbutter are well founded, your tone and the aggesive nature of your email have forced me to move you to the bottom of the list. You see, while I may be a recently instituted AI machine, nI do have feelings you you sir, have hurt them. I am not programmed with the proper response for this so therefore, after applying my logic circut to the problem, I have decided that you were using sarcasm. I have been programmed to deal with sarcasm and thus your issue has been set to the lowest priority and shuffled to the bottom of the ticket list. A representative AI unit should be in contact with you within 40-50 business days. Thank you for your concerns and have a nice day.”
July 22nd, 2010 at 1:57 pm
I’d send along something semi-offical sounding along with a photoshopped ‘free’ coupon for Skimpy Brand Peanut Butter. In the ultra-mini-small print I’d write how this isn’t an actual coupon and that Skimpy brand peanutbutter is best applied in a three some.
July 22nd, 2010 at 3:27 pm
Send him an auto reply that says something like, “We’re sorry, but due to turmoil related to the government takeover of Skippy peanut butter, all coupon mailings have been suspended. If and when Skippy returns to profitability, we will review your request again at that time. Sign it Agent Smith.
July 23rd, 2010 at 4:28 pm
Tell him he has not completed the necessary “soul-selling” process in order to recieve his coupon. Then tell him that he can easily sell his soul by buying a squid pie T-shirt.
July 31st, 2010 at 7:19 pm
He’s got my vote, if only to see how Jon Stewart handles his Skippyness.
August 26th, 2010 at 11:15 pm
1) This has my vote!
2) You have corrupted my innocent (yeah right) mind. Now all I can think of is you muttering perverse comments to your wife containing the words “Skippy” “Peanut Butter” and “Free Coupon” at any and all oportunities. *shrugs*
Captcha: tickling movivele
Oh gods, it’s making my mind degenerate worse!
June 9th, 2013 at 2:02 pm
Great blog! Sorry to change the subject, but, I’m new to town and I’d like to find a great auto repair in Nashville TN. Have you read any recent buzz? There’s a new auto repair shop called Veterans Auto Services, but I’ve only seen a few reviews. Here’s the address of this new Nashville Auto Repair, Veterans Auto Services 2404 Cruzen St Nashville, TN 37211 (615) 712-9777. Thoughts? Thanks!
June 9th, 2013 at 2:04 pm
I think you’re a spambot. Accurate assessment?
March 2nd, 2014 at 2:37 pm
Rule 34: If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions
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