Archive for December, 2009

The title pretty much says it all.
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So here’s what happened to me today.

Last night, my wife went out to diner with her brother, while I stayed home with the kids. Around the time I was expecting her to come home, I get a phone call.

It was my wife informing me that the ignition in our car is stuck. Specifically that the key could not turn. After years of reliable service the lock just decided that it didn’t like her key anymore. She could turn the car on with the remote start. But she couldn’t get it out of park without using the key.

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But you have always been at war with Eastasia.

I wonder if you will be able to see my website any more?

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I was running early this morning. I hate running early, because it means that i could have been sleeping, but instead for some ungodly reason I woke up the first time my alarm rang. God bless the snooze button!

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But totally not in a gay way.

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(Submitted by Speed)

A few years back I worked at a help desk for gas station point of sales equipment. That’s fancy talk for cash registers. Later on we supported touch screen computers and fancy-dancy gas pumps with computer chips in them that “talked” to the store’s main computer through a binary to TCP/IP converter, and the breakdown-daily-car-wash-box. Here’s a quick list of what I couldn’t do there:

1. Not allowed to enter the building on time, must be early and on the phone at the “start time.”

2. When a mad customer says, “I’ll have your job!” not allowed to reply, “You wouldn’t like it, every asshole in the world yells at you.”

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So there is this man named Ted Petruna, with an interesting story.

On Nov 17th, Airtran Flight 297 was delayed. He claims that this delay was because about a dozen Muslim terrorists, in full middle eastern garb were conducting a “dry run” of a hijacking plan.

The incident started when one of them got into a confrontation with the crew while watching porn on a cell phone, which he had recorded the night before. Ted knew that terrorists do that before initiating a jihad because he studied. As the cowardly terrorists shouted Arabic slurs and called the flight crew infidel dogs, Ted realized that something needed to be done. He and another brave passenger stepped up to thwart this plan, by physically restraining some of the terrorists. The others were evidently too intimidated to gang up on the two men.

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(Submitted by JP)
1. Not allowed to reference the holocaust.
2. Ever.
3. Regarding anything.
4. Not allowed to use big words teachers don’t understand to insult them.
5. Not allowed to also mention that you dropped out of a city college.
6. An executives office should never be below 60 degrees.
7. Not allowed to turn the HVAC system down to Arctic temperatures according to who pissed
you off that day.
8. Not allowed to cook them either.
9. Not allowed to put indignant employees on hold for an indefinite amount of time.
10. Maximum hold time should be no more than 1 minute.
11. Not allowed to tell building occupants that you have a “secret property manager escape during the event of an accident that will get you away from danger in seconds.” They will believe you.
12. Not allowed to write detailed letters to the tech department regarding their security flaws and how you exploited them. They will never fix them.
13. Not allowed to spoof the Superintendents email address and then proceed to tell the tech department how stupid they are.
14. Not allowed to find security flaws in the building access system.
15. Not allowed to exploit said flaws after 6 months of badgering them to fix the problem. This will only cause you more problems.
16. Not allowed to involve the police chief on said security flaws. He cant protect you.
17. Not to tell terminally ill people you would “love to trade spots.”
18. Pointing out someones stupidity will result in you having to try to fix them.
19. When asked to transfer a call the proper response is not, “Why didn’t you just call them directly. I am not a receptionist. Their extension is x*****. Go call them.”
20. Explaining to someone on the phone that its faster to just call someone directly is also not allowed.
21. Don’t set up office phones to forward to peoples personal cell phones. It doesn’t matter that they never return phone calls.
22. When an occupant yells at you because your coworkers don’t return their calls, do not commiserate with them. Just fix it.
23. Not allowed to use the facilities for personal gain. Nor may your charity, LLC, Corp, or anything else you are affiliated with.
24. Not allowed to put Machiavelli quotes up as the quote of the day.
25. Not on Evernote either.
26. During religious discussion, you are not allowed to talk about your imaginary friends. You think this is discriminatory. Everyone else finds it offensive.
27. Not allowed to bring back corporal punishment.
28. Or torture, stocks, beheading, the 80’s, water boarding or anything else that could be perceived offensive by anyone.
29. Not allowed to distribute software that allows employees to get around the internet filtering program.
30. Not allowed to talk nonsense over the radio.
31. No German over the radio.
32. No radio.
33. Not allowed to tell employees, “If you cannot do X, in the future instead of failing just tell me and I will do it. You have now created more work then we started out with. Thanks.” You will get a phone call from a union.
34. Not allowed to harass the unions.
35. Not allowed to insult union leaders while they are speaking to the news and live on the air.
36. Your title is not “Untermensch.”
37. Don’t tell upper management that if they dont like it they can fire you. Even though they wont actually fire you.
38. Stop proving 37.
40. You are not allowed to carry master keys to anything.
41. Cannot fabricate master keys or master key cards or any variation of the previous.
42. When going on a smoke break, referring to it as “getting cancer” can be viewed as offensive.
43. So is thanking god for anti-depressants in front of the occupant.
44. Not allowed on the roof under any circumstances.
45. Not allowed to point out that traffic in front of the building would be just as effective as the roof.
46. Not allowed to harass the protesters.
47. Not allowed to pretend to be a protester after work, in order to harass the protesters.
48. Laughing maniacally after denying protesters use of the restroom is not allowed. (Nearest restroom is at least a 1 mile uphill walk.)
49. Not allowed to build, test, distribute, or even talk about computer viruses.
50. Not allowed to bring your bike into the office with you.

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With 20% more wrong than the last post.

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