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Time to make the doughnuts

December 15th, 2009 by LT Ronald

I was running early this morning. I hate running early, because it means that i could have been sleeping, but instead for some ungodly reason I woke up the first time my alarm rang. God bless the snooze button!

Since I was running early I decided to stop and get my guys some doughnuts, cause I’m a nice boss like that because my fiance said let’s stop and get doughnuts for our employees. We weren’t running real early, maybe 10 minutes or so. I told her that if the doughnut shop was busy we couldn’t stop.

When we got to Fresh Doughnuts (I love the Vietnamese, they always pick the least complicated names for their shops, like Nails II at the mall), there was only one customer at the counter, so I stopped. I assumed we would be in and out in no time. You know what they say about assuming.

This woman in front of us ordered 3 dozen doughnuts. Nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is picking each of the fucking 36 doughnuts out individually while mentally laboring for 5 seconds with “uuuuuuuummmmmmmm….. I’ll take one of those………” between selections. My fiance was rolling her eyes and obviously annoyed. I think I did a good job of hiding my annoyance.

After the first dozen, another worker came out from the back to take care of us, while the other lady continued to help the indecisive bitch. My fiance starts out with “ummmmmm…….. I’ll take one of those……, and hmmmmm….. one of those…….. and ohhhhh I like those……. give me two of them……. hmmm……”

At this point I had had enough of this hypocricy, and yelled at my fiance:

“Honey, I love you, but don’t be THAT DOUCHEBAG who picks every single doughnut out individually! How many doughnuts do you expect to eat from that dozen? one? two maybe? the rest are going to be eaten by your coworkers, who will be happy just to have a free treat, and not give a damn what you picked out. Are you going to eat the whole dozen like some Rosie O’Donnell on a bender? No! So pick out the one or two doughnuts you like, and tell them to mix the rest, so that we, and the other people in line behind us can go about our day, and not be late because you take a god damned half hour to order a dozen doughnuts. Thank God you’re not getting 3 dozen and doing that shit because then I’d want to shoot you in the fucking face with a shotgun.”

At that point the other woman told the lady helping her, “Please just mix up that last dozen for me, Thank you!” and hurried out the door.

Now it was my turn to order:

“2 peanut butter filled and 1 strawberry creme filled, and a mix of whatever else to make a dozen, just be quick about it”

My fiance just had to chime in:

“Honey they didn’t put any boston cream ones in there, people like boston cream, you should make her put in some boston cream”

(Now commentors, at this point I pose the question it is 630 am, and i am now running late, my running early has been completely eaten up, and I will be late to work. Am I wrong for the following tirade?)

“Fuck Boston Cream pie! Fuck my employees! Fuck Doughnuts! Fuck people who make other people late for work by picking out each individual doughnut with the care of picking out an engagement ring! I hate Boston Cream pies just because they have the word Boston in it. This is because I hate Boston! I hate the Sawx, I hate the Pats, I hate the Bruins and the Celtics! I hate the accents, I hate the people! I hate everything about Boston except the Boondock Saints! I just want to get my doughnuts and get to work because now I am late, and I hate being late, and it is all because of people like you and Bostonians that I am late! Fuck Boston!”

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31 Responses to “Time to make the doughnuts”

  1. Stickfodder Says:

    Good reaction.


  2. Willy Says:



  3. Bane Says:



  4. Mercer Says:

    i applaud you sir


  5. ninemmll Says:

    You and your fiance seem to be a good team ;)


  6. StoneWolf Says:

    Considering I agree on your assesment of Boston, I cannot find any problem with your tirade. To bad you don’t have a place like we do here. All they have are Cider Donuts, which happen to be my favorite donuts on Earth. The only descision you have to make is how many you want in half dozen units. 6, 12, 36, whatever, they grab the pre-counted 1/2 or full dozen bags, hand them to you, you pay and leave. Besides, you bought your employees donuts. That rocks.


  7. M578Jockey Says:

    Very nice of you. Your employees will love you for the donuts.

    Being from Massachusetts, let me say I agree with your assesment of Boston. We’ve been trying to unload it on Connecticut for years.

    Captcha: bike-in putsches – What LT Ronald did in Elementary School?


    paula reply on December 16th, 2009 11:18 am:

    Being originally from Connecticut, I’m glad to see my home state is still sensible enough to refuse the ‘gift’……


  8. Tony Says:

    This post is wicked pissah!


    Minty reply on December 16th, 2009 10:36 am:

    Okay, you can go to Hell now.


  9. lukazaz Says:

    cant…..stop…. rofl!!!!

    LT we share the same fucking problem…. best of luck!

    captcha; Mi horus what that latin for get out of my way idiot you will make me get in late!!!


  10. Shadowydreamer Says:

    Ahem. Dropkick Murphys AND Boondock Saints.

    Tim Hortons donuts > all.


  11. Minty Says:

    I don’t particularly like Boston myself, but I like Boston Cream donuts, because they have the custard in the middle. The pie can drop dead, though.


  12. paula Says:

    I’m a eclair fan, myself: donut dough, filling and chocolate on top — perfection!


  13. AFP Says:

    On the rare occasions where I eat donuts, I like the rasberry jelly filled ones, the powdered ones, or the glazed ones, in that order. Sometimes I go for the chocolate frosted, but never cared for the chocolate donuts.

    The cake donuts, of course, are a timeless classic.


  14. AFP Says:

    I have found that if I am in a hurry to leave, say, because I have an appointment, or because it is the end of the day and I wanna go home, I will get that one last call before I forward the phones, which will be one person with four or ten things to call in, usually things they don’t really have formulated in their minds yet “Uhm… in the mens restroom, over… I think it’s the third stall…”

    Of course, the words I absolutely hate to hear are “…and just one more thing…”


  15. Schwal Says:

    Boston Says Fuck You Too!


  16. Jenn Says:

    That’s freakin’ hilarious.

    It’s too bad you didn’t do this in 2002 and in Canada, where I was an employee of Tim Hortons, THE coffee and doughnut place for Canucks. When people asked for a mix of doughnuts, I’d choose the most popular and most-likely-to-be-popular ones. (At least one rainbow sprinkle, chocolate, fritter, and, yes, Boston Cream…)

    Now that I’m on the other side of the counter, I know the pain of being last to the doughnut box and finding old fashioned plain or walnut crunch.

    Kudos on being nice to your employees!! I wish my employer did that…

    Captcha: postcard come – what a not-so-smart person says to a postcard with a dog on it??


  17. HardNose Says:

    I’m still trying to figure out how the boss can be late…


    LT Ronald reply on December 17th, 2009 5:14 am:

    I can’t really, but it is a hypocracy thing. If I want to be able to counsel/yell/give a hard time to/bitch/fire/or anything else to my employees for being late, how can I when I’m late myself?

    I have to set the standard for conduct if I expect to hold my soldiers to it. Will I be in trouble if I’m late? Not likely, but will I lose clout with my employees, or show them a standard of “it’s okay to be late”? I can’t have that. So when I’m late I’m actually undermining myself as a leader.


    StoneWolf reply on December 17th, 2009 10:58 am:

    And understanding that is part of what makes good leaders. My boss tells us all to do one thing and then goes and does another herself. I feel I’m still too new to do anything but “Yes ma’am, no ma’am”, but a couple of the older employees will politly tell her to go fuck herself.


  18. Jordan Says:

    Why did you have to mention Timmy Ho’s?

    I am DYING for a Double Double and a dozen tim bits.

    Goddamn I am fat.


    Shadowydreamer reply on December 17th, 2009 10:57 am:

    The nearest Timmy’s is 6kms from me. When i REALLY REALLY want that muffin and hot chocolate.. I walk. :)


    Minty reply on December 21st, 2009 11:11 am:

    My nearest is Kentucky, which is almost 2000 miles away. I suppose I could walk, but I have to be at work by 8:30 tomorrow morning.


    Shadowydreamer reply on December 21st, 2009 12:43 pm:

    But.. But.. Candycane hot chocolates!! Heaven in a cup.

    Hot chocolate, shot of mint flavouring, with whip cream on top, and then a mini-cane crunched up on top of the whip cream. OMG. Yum.

    Minty reply on December 21st, 2009 4:14 pm:

    Oh, I make that at home all the time. All you need is mint extract. Currently, I’m riding the “Mexican Hot Cocoa” high–cocoa with a sprinkle of cayenne pepper powder.

  19. Billy Says:

    As a videogame nerd, or whatever, I have to say that at least one good thing came out of Boston, and that is 2K Boston, the guys who made Bioshock. Other than that, never been there, so i’m not going to talk about it.

    Captcha: cerns juggler, is that the guy who does all of the physics study there?


  20. Speed Says:

    Today I just arrived up at Devens for the next 365 days.



    Lit reply on December 17th, 2009 3:58 pm:

    As someone who has been at Devens far more times than I care to recall (and that’s just for a weekend at a time), you have my condolences.


  21. DeeBee Says:

    Hmm. I don’t know how to respond to this- it depends on whether or not you are actually from Boston.

    If you are a Bostonian: Couldn’t agree more- Boston sucks! The sports teams suck, the winters suck, the endless hordes of college students, interminable traffic, and every single branch of the T all suck.

    If you are not a Bostonian: Fuck you! It’s the best city in the world!


    David B reply on April 2nd, 2014 10:36 pm:

    Obviously, you haven’t been to Wisconsin. Our winters are basically Mother Nature saying “Fuck you!”. This year (2013-2014), we had to call out the National Guard/Army to help us plow the roads because the city and county plows kept getting stuck. It was cool watching a tank with a plow on it cruise through the snow. For the first time that I can remember, the railroad had to use a plow to get through town.


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