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Archive for July, 2009

What A-hole Would Do This?

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

In our team meeting today I learned about a mad man in our company. His reign of terror lasted for several months, then mysteriously he stopped his crime spree for a couple months and now he is back with a vengeance.

Who is this criminal mastermind, of which I speak, and what has he done to strike fear in the hearts of his co-workers?

He is the Mad Crapper of Building 4.

That’s right, someone in building 4 has been going into the mens room and dropping a deuce in the middle of the floor. Not on the floor in a stall, but in the middle of the floor in front of the sinks.

There is a serial shitter amongst us, and management is hot (and steamy) on his trail trying to find this maniac.

I don’t know if it is the call center managers or corporate security that is investigating this heinous crime. Perhaps it is a special anti-poop task force, but they were close to finding him. They had narrowed down the list of suspects by comparing the days and times with the work schedules of all employees. They were closing in, when suddenly he cut the shit.

He laid low for two months, (two… I think it is symbolic), and now he is letting loose again.

One manager was overheard to say that, “when you have 4000 employees, you have to expect that one of them will shit on the floor.”

No, I am not making this up. Yes, I will update when there are more details.

Random Zombie Related Crap

Thursday, July 16th, 2009


I was out of town last week for my grandmothers funeral. When I came back and checked my mail at work, I saw that I missed one of the best employee morale booster events at work ever. I missed Zombie Day at the call center.

It’s July. And they had Zombie Day. I am blessed to work for such an awesome company. May all companies one day embrace Zombie day.

Yes this is true. No there is no punchline. I just wanted to rub in how much more awesome my employer is than yours.


If Battlestar Galactica had zombies in it, at one point I am sure we would have heard Commander Adama say, “The Cylons taste like us, now.”

This is the new wall paper on my computer.


A Message for the zombies…

Random rambling about guns, pot and NAMBLA

Tuesday, July 14th, 2009

I don’t own any guns, but I have been debating about getting one to protect myself from all the gun nuts stockpiling guns after Obamas election.

They are buying all these guns because they are afraid the government will take their guns away. But they are buying so many guns and getting so uppity, (shooting cops and immigration offices and all that), that it makes me think someone should pass a law and take their damned guns.

Not that it will happen but still I think more people will want gun control because the gun nuts are getting gun nuttier. It’s like some crazy Second Amendment vicious circle.

My manager and I were discussing this and he mentioned the freaks with fully automatic weapons, and wondered how you get connected to the black market like that.

I mean, it is not like buying drugs. All you have to do is be in high school or know a high schooler and you will have connects for just about everything.

Recently I tried to buy pot, so I talked to my friends, and they had no idea.

This is when I realized that any street cred or cool I ever thought I had is now officially gone.

But, this all made me and my manager wonder how you get connected to any black market?

Lets say you are a pedophile that really likes kiddie porn and that is really your thing. How do you find other pedophiles and kiddie porn suppliers? You can’t just be standing around the water cooler, and ask, “Hey, do you know where I can find a good kiddie porn website?” Yet, you are always hearing about whole crime networks being busted for kiddie porn.

Interesting side note… if you Google “NAMBLA” you will see this… (The website changed since I wrote this, but there was a snapshot of what the page looked like, so I saved a copy here).
welcome to nambla

welcome to a world of pleasure… Enter password: JOIN US ! get your own nambla t-shirt.

That’s right, you can get a NAMBLA T-SHIRT. Order now, and I can almost guarantee you’ll be the first kid on your block to sport one of these puppies.

Another side note on the NAMBLA website, it is www.nambla.de. That is right, the North American Man Boy Love Associations website is not even hosted in North America.

You have to wonder, how do these people find each other?

Speaking of finding like minded people, it makes me think about the couple that kidnapped people kept them as sex slaves and then when they were done with them, they would kill them and bury them out on the yard. (I already wrote about this topic, but if you are curious and never saw my thoughts on that, check this out).

I never intended to review this movie, but now I have to.

Monday, July 13th, 2009

I was minding my own business after coming home from a doctors appointment, and my girlfriend is watching The Rendering. It is one of those crappy chick flik dramas and stars Shannen Doherty. I mostly ignored it by surfing the web for info on the new Champions Online game and the upcoming Star Trek Online, but I was able to pick up a few key plot points.

Shannen Doherty is a police sketch artist and she does a sketch of a serial rapist and it looks just like her husband.

Oh wait… there are more twists and turns in this epic.

It ends up that her husband was framed by some guy, I don’t know his name but we will call him Dick. Dick had attacked her in the past and had been sent to prison for whatever he did or tried to do to Shannen Doherty. I missed the beginning of the movie so I am not sure about exactly what happened in the past, but I do know Dick held a grudge against Shannen Doherty. Also, I was not paying close attention as to how Dick orchestrated the plot to frame her husband, and plant evidence in their house from prison, but I was able to learn that Dick found a look alike for her husband in prison and had that guy do the rapes.

Later I catch a detail where Dick convinces Shannen Doherty that he will promise to keep her husband safe in prison if she testifies at his parole hearing and he gets out. Naturally, she does this and Dick is released.

In shocking plot twist, it ends up that it was a mistake for her to trust the word of the guy who attacked her and framed her husband for crimes he didn’t commit, but she does and Dick turns on her.

Again, I missed how this criminal was able to arrange it, but he gets the guards to move a killer to Shannen Doherty’s husbands cell. The guard even gave an evil/maniacal laugh when putting the guy in the cell with her husband. But, miraculously when the rumble takes place, after lights out, her husband ended up killing the killer.

At this point I am watching the movie with my full attention, and because it is so bad, I must comment about it to the girlfriend. Apparently she missed some details while I was critiquing the film, so she rewinds it and that’s when I realize this isn’t live tv and she got sucked into a bad movie.


She recorded it on the DVR.

Now, before we continue the review, lets get something straight, my girlfriend has a knack for hogging all the space on our DVR with cooking shows and crime dramas. It is usually so full there is no space to record what I want, even though I am supposedly the one that can’t share, because I am an only child, but unlike me, my girlfriend, the eldest of five, has sharing mastered.

As you can tell, this is an “issue” between her and I. And I had to comment on how she defiled our DVR with this awful movie, and this is why we were unable to record the Daily Show and Colbert Report last night and the premiere of Ghost Hunters International last week when we were out of town, because “The Renderering” was taking up space.

OK, let me take a deep breath and continue my review of this so called “movie.”

So, almost immediately, the police realize she was right about the plot to frame her husband, they arrest Dick and let her husband out of prison immediately. This time I did not miss how this happened, they just realized the dead guy in the cell was a murderer and that was all the proof they needed to let her husband go. How they caught Dick, I’ll never know. But you see cops bringing him in as they let out Shannen Dohertys husband. Fortunately this gives Dick the chance to practice his acting and make a menacing face at Shannen Doherty and her husband.

So, you think the movie is over, as Shannen Doherty and her husband have sex, and he comments that the thought of this is what kept him alive in prison. They then decide they are going on vacation because, “they both deserve it after all that has happened.”

While the happy couple packs, we cut away to Dick in the back of a cop car, where he fakes a heart attack or something and one of the cops climbs in the back seat to help, without his gun drawn or his partner covering him. (The partner stays in the front passenger seat). Dick chokes the cop with hand cuffs and gets his gun. Now the partner gets on the radio and Dick shoots them both.

Cut to the phone ringing and the answering machine going off, and the cops leaving a message for Shannen Doherty that Dick has escaped, but she is drying her hair and misses it. When she comes out her husband is gone and Dick left her a note on where to find them.

She shows up, Dick tries to kill her. She fights with him and holds her own against a hardened criminal who was recently released from prison and only prevails when Dick accidentally hits his head on a nail sticking out of the wall and is killed.

Shannen unties her husband, and as they walk off, she says, “Lets go home.” Neither of them looks even remotely upset or distressed or even relieved that they just got out of a life and death situation. They just blandly walk off and the credits roll.

In short, I think the writers, the directors, actors and even editors just gave up at the end of this film.

So as a movie I give it one out of five stars.

As a movie that is MS3TK-able, I give it four and a quarter stars, and a full five for the last ten minutes.

I would say check it out, but really, I don’t know that it is a good idea.

I knew this would eventually happen.

Monday, July 13th, 2009

I found the following video about three months ago, and I am sure many of you have already seen it, but I think it is time to discuss the topic of real life super heroes.

So, check this out , and come back for the discussion. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Somehow, around the time when Watchmen came out, I had a feeling we would see this sort of thing, but apparently, they have been doing this for a couple years. I have always been surprised that there were not nut jobs in costume, fighting crime, somewhere. It is just too deeply ingrained in the culture for someone not to give it a go.

I have to comment that the Shadow Hare sounds like a dork. There is a certain quality to his voice that just screams, “I am a big, giant nerd,” and it was probably during a particularly harsh swirly in high school, that he decided to help protect the weak. Unfortunately, he does not appear to have realized that working out in a gym might be a good idea.

Speaking of working out, I love the chubby guy in costume walking with him. Lets face it, nothing strikes fear into the hearts of villains like the sight of love handles in spandex.

I can picture them all at their secret hideout, in moms basement, when a call comes in over the police scanner, and they have to interrupt their D&D game to rush off and fight evil, leaving behind only half empty Mountain Dew cans and lead figurines of wizards and elves.

I bet in their daily lives they are sweaty all the time, because they have their costumes on under their clothes so they are ready at a moments notice. Being a superhero can be kind of gross at times.

As weird as this all is, they are not alone. There are do-gooder dorks like them all over the world, and they can all be found on the World Superhero Registry. Based on the entries, MySpace is also a great place to find a superhero.

But, the supergeekery does not end there, there are villains too. And like any good super villain, they send out videos to make their threats known. Naturally, the best place to make your villainous intentions known to the world is, of course, YouTube.

This guy is my favorite…

Anyways, all of this reminds me of a South Park episode that came on this last season… check it out.

Choose Season 13, episode 1302 “The Coon”



Sunday, July 12th, 2009

Due to packing and an impending move, one of my regular contributors offered to take over writing posts this week, starting tonight.

As you can see he didn’t.

Now I don’t want to cause him any trouble, so I’m not going to name any names or anything.

Such as Michiel, for instance.


Praeter Opportunus Lumen

Thursday, July 9th, 2009

The latest Transformer movie made somewhere around the amount of 700 million dollars so far.  So there’s a good chance that no matter what else happens, there is going to be a part 3.

So I think that what Michael Bay should do for the next installment is hire Dan Brown to write it.  When you hear my reasons you will probably agree that he is a natural fit.

You see, the alien robots from the transformers have been on the Earth longer than the human race has, which was either millions of years ago, or 6,000 depending on where you went to school.  This is why some of them transform into dinosaurs.


Voodoo Farming #5 (07/09/09): The Zombie Survival Guide

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

Welcome again to Voodoo Farming: A Not-Quite In-Depth Look At Zombies In Popular Culture.

I’m going to start answering the equivalent of Reader Mail – emails sent to my address ihmhi6@gmail.com and comments posted in VF issues.

In this case, while I will be answering reader mail from the previous issue at the conclusion of this edition, I’m going to address one comment from issue #4:


Courage Campaign

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009

Lt. Dan Choi is being fired from the military for refusing to lie about who he loves

Help him keep fighting by signing this letter to Speaker Pelosi asking her to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”


Highly Innapropriate Movie Day

Monday, July 6th, 2009

By that I mean less appropriate than you normally find here.

Seriously don’t watch these with the sound up if you are at work. Very not safe for work.