101 Things a Lifeguard Shouldn’t Do

(Submitted by Tony)

1) I can no longer refer to my whistle as “an extension of my penis”.
2) I cannot refuse to save a struggling child on the grounds that they are “annoying as all hell”.
3) When I find a dead rat in the strainer, I should not pretend that it is still alive; pretend I’ve been bitten, and then stop swallowing.
4) I should not tell children that a sea monster lives in the deep end.
5) I cannot challenge people to a breath holding contest.
6) I cannot place bets on a breath holding contest, no matter how one-sided it is.
7) Yelling “Kill each other!” is not the proper way to break up a fight.
8) When evacuating the pool for a thunderstorm, I should not tell the most annoying children that they are allowed to keep swimming.
9) The baby pool is not the “piss factory”.
10) When giving people their pool passes, I should hand them only theirs, and not Jason Bourne’s.
11) Nor can I hand them anything saying “McLovin” on it.
12) When people call in to ask about the pool, I should not say, “We have an almost 80% survival rate!”.
13) When the manager says the pool needs filling, he wants me to turn on the water pumps, so I shouldn’t yell out “peeing contest!”.
14) I should not ask for “protection money” when pool guests give me their passes.
15) I am not allowed to “lose” the passes of people who didn’t pay the protection fee.
16) Our members of the board are not named “The Satans”.
17) I should not reenact the death of Steve Irwin.
18) I cannot convince new lifeguards to take my shift in the chair, claiming I am a special case and that I will “combust if left in the sun too long”.
19) I should not lobby for government deregulation of swimming pools when I am on duty.
20) The proper way to dispose of garbage is via the dump, not taking it 1 yard off of pool property and emptying it onto the grass.
21) I am not allowed to sing slave work songs when I am mopping the bathrooms.
22) The black knight sketch from Monty Python is funny, but everyone is allowed into the pool.
23) When the pool is cleared because of the weather, it is not a “uniform optional” time.
24) When annoying little girls ask if you are Scottish, do not go all “William Wallace” on them.
25) I cannot put up a sign that says “No Girls Allowed” in an effort to reduce overcrowding in the pool.
26) I cannot menacingly tap the sign that says “No Girls Allowed” when a girl comes to swim.
27) I should probably make an effort to stop PDA once there is actual penetration.
28) I should not refuse to stop PDA on the grounds that it would make me a “cock block”.
29) My manager is not a “cock block”.
30) I should not get annoyed at the clock-in machine and attempt to activate its’ self destruct mechanism.
31) Nor can I attempt to pry it out of the wall with a crowbar.
32) I cannot rig the radio hooked up to the PA to play “Straight Outta Compton” when I am on chair duty.
33) I should not put my face in the chlorine vats, inhale, and say “yeahhhhh that’s the stuff”.
34) When fired, I should not attempt suicide off the lifeguard chair.
35) When rehired, I should not taunt my boss.
36) Once an item has been in the Lost and Found for three weeks, it does not become “up for grabs”.
37) When sorting the lost and found, I should not tell potential pool guests that the pool is a “biohazard zone” and they should come back in an hour.
38) I cannot change my shift time on the last day so that I work for three hours less.
39) When I turn on the chlorine pumps, I should not pretend that there was a spill and that my face is burning off.
40) I cannot pretend to plant depth charges at random points in the pool.
41) “Five bucks” is not justification for allowing people in after closing.
42) I should not point out weak spots in the fence to potential vandals.
43) When the radio is broken, I should not have my own “live broadcast” over the PA.
44) I should not tell complaining parents to “write it down on a piece of paper, and then shove it up your ass”.
45) I should not tell complaining children to “throw down”.
46) Nobody under 16 is allowed in during adult swim, so I should not encourage annoying little girls to go in without supervision and drown themselves.
47) I should not lead a “soda” boycott because the machine is turned off at certain points in the day.
48) I cannot *69 prank callers and then threaten them.
49) Every time a child asks me to do something, I should not pretend to be a drunken 70 year old man.
50) I should not hum the music from “Requiem for a Dream” when a pool guest leaves in an ambulance.
51) Do not tell obviously racist pool guest who apparently crawled out of 1964 that “we don’t cotton kindly to your type round these parts”.
52) My blood condition is not a bargaining chip for fewer hours.
53) There are only two other lifeguards at this pool, so I cannot form a “Worker’s Army”.
54) When I show up late to work, I should not pretend that I was locked in the chemical storage room for the three hours I missed.
55) When my manager clocks in, I should not hum “The Number of the Beast”.
56) There are no pool gods, so I should not attempt to curry their favor by sacrificing the youngest swimmers.
57) I should not bring in one of those sheets of metal that sounds exactly like thunder when you shake it and shake it.
58) I will not join a game of “Who’d you rather” when on chair duty and when uninvited.
59) I will not laugh at 12 year old girls’ attempts at sexuality.
60) I should not dive into the pool when there is a fire, even though it is the safest place to be.
61) I should not push children out of my way when I am going to get something from the ice cream man.
62) When asked what time the ice cream man is coming, I should not pretend to dial his number and hear him request phone sex.
63) Boxers of the same length as the shorts of the lifeguard uniform do not count, even if they are blue.
64) The rescue tube is not the “Red sausage savey drowny doohickey thing”.
65) Do not spread the supply of medical cotton around the floor and say, “Well, at least it didn’t suffer” whenever pool guests come in.
66) Do not get teary when patrons ask about the previous manager.
67) I am not allowed to zombie-proof the lifeguard office.
68) I am not allowed to have some friends stage a mock zombie attack to demonstrate the advantages of a zombie-proof lifeguard office.
69) Whenever the number “69” is uttered, I am no longer allowed to quote “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”.
70) I cannot fill out applications for other jobs when I am on duty.
71) During the in-service trainings, I should not pretend to panic and have a heart attack.
72) I cannot refuse to give CPR to gross people.
73) I am not allowed to make up stories of lifeguards who died in the past and tell them to new lifeguards.
74) I cannot refuse to go up in the chair during my “unlucky time”.
75) The CPR dummies are not sex dolls.
76) The funny sound the CPR dummies make when you perform CPR on them is not their sternums cracking, so I should not call for the crash cart.
77) I speak English perfectly.
78) Even when someone is complaining and I can’t do anything about it.
79) I should not let pool guests see me burn everything in the suggestion box.
80) I should not keep a whiteboard at the front desk with the words “Number of days pool has gone without a fatality:” and keep a zero on it everyday.
81) I should not blow the whistle to the tune of “Amazing Grace” at the end of adult swim.
82) I should not blow the whistle to the tune of “Taps” at the end of adult swim.
83) I should not yell at people in a high-pitched, lispy tone.
84) I should not call people “freedom haters” when they do not join in my rendition of the national anthem at random points in the day.
85) There is no “secret spot” at the bottom of the well that has candy inside, so I should stop telling young children that there is.
86) I cannot cover up the “no running” signs with kickboards in the hopes that stupid people will run and break their necks.
87) I am allowed to sit people out for breaking the rules; I am not allowed to form “work gangs” of offenders and force them to empty the garbage bins.
88) The chlorine level is always a number, so when people ask me what it is I should respond with a number, not “Extra spicy!” or “at skin-melting levels”.
89) When my manager confronts someone for breaking the rules, I should not tell them (the offender) that I have their back.
90) When new members join the pool, I should not warn them to watch out for the electric badgers that attack everyone after 8 pm.
91) I should not break the vacuum in an effort to prove my incompetence so that I don’t have to vacuum the pool anymore.
92) The hot tub is not a massage parlor.
93) I cannot call any patrons “sweet heart”.
94) I cannot call any patrons “big boy”.
95) I cannot gamble to force other lifeguards to take my shift.
96) I cannot speculate on the size of other lifeguard’s genitalia.
97) I cannot threaten to leave the pool if they do not do something about all these ugly swimmers.
98) I cannot halfheartedly hit on mediocre-looking swimmers in desperation.
99) I cannot pretend to be a hobo asking for change in front of the pool to scare away swimmers.
100) I cannot pour all the bottles of aspirin in the medicine cabinet out, put the empty bottles next to me on the lifeguard stand, and answer any question with the words “I don’t care anymore”.
101) I am not allowed to be my own sitcom laugh track when I am bored.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, May 17th, 2009 at 9:08 pm and is filed under New List. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.