Announcement And New List
A while ago my wife and I were approaching the anniversary of the day we started dating. She asked me if I wanted anything special to commemorate the day.
I told her that I wanted either Milla Jovovich or a set of twins.
This was completely not what I meant. And it’s evidently too late to exchange them for Ms. Jovovich.
This turn of events has managed to simplify my life greatly. My spouse and I used to argue about what to do, and what to eat, and even what movies to watch. And now we handle everything democratically. She tallies up the votes of herself and the babies, and dictates what will now happen.
“The babies want macaroni and cheese. The babies want to watch “Don’t Mess With The Zohan”. The babies want us to play City of Heroes together. The babies demand an offering of blood. Fetch the goat.”
On the plus side, this speaks very highly of both my potency and masculinity. Because evidently I can impregnate a woman twice, with only one try. Boo-yah. (It helps if you imagine me pelvic thrusting along with the “boo-yah”. Or it may scar you for life.) I will try to not let my supreme potency impregnate any of my female readers, but I can’t make any promises.
Things Skippy Can’t Do Now That He Is Going To Be A Daddy
- No references to Alien, any Aliens derivatives, B-movie clones of Aliens, Dawn of the Dead, Feast 2, Island of the Damned, Beast Master, or Slither.
- Especially not Slither.
- In fact, try to avoid any movie that has anything sad happen to a child in it, at all. (Freaking, “The Pursuit of Happyness” made her cry for hours!).
- No “Who’s your daddy?” comments.
- Not allowed to test children for superpowers.
- No attempts to give the children superpowers.
- Not allowed to fake my death in eight years in an attempt to create Batman.
- Not allowed to ram a spaceship into a larger spaceship in a holding action designed to give my wife time to escape while giving birth (Being married to a sci-fi nerd leads to some strange conversations).
- Not allowed to use ferrets as baby-sitters.
- Do not start a “Loud Toy War” with any of our friends and relatives that already have children.
- Must not refer to the birth as the “parade”.
- Do not speculate on which twin will be the evil one.
- Referring to my wife as a “baby-momma” will result in hitting.
- Not allowed to hire actors to pretend that the babies are the subject of an ancient prophecy.
- Same applies to time traveling cyborgs.
- And any form of space creature.
- You know what? No hiring actors, whatsoever.
- No growing “Wolverine” style mutton-chops. While not strictly pregnancy related, it has been brought to my attention that violating this rule during the pregnancy will result in pain.
- Stroller will be selected based on practical considerations, rather than the ability to navigate in a zombie apocalypse (Side note: Do they make zombie apocalypse infant wear? If so I want some.)
- Though we might get a stroller that sits the twins back-to-back, we will not be installing a harpoon launcher in the “tail-gunner” position. (Evidently our children will be at risk to both the undead, and Imperial AT-ATs.)
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May 10th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
Wait…Skippy…a dad? COOL! CONGRATS!(poor children) LOL J/K
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May 10th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Now all we have to do is find if they have any Fisher Price My First Zombie Blasting 12 Gauge… the perfect gift for newborns in the coming zombie apocalypse!
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Billy reply on May 11th, 2009 9:38 am:
I found a nerf 12 guage at Target.
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GraveOne reply on May 11th, 2009 9:59 am:
yeah welcome to the club… and the fisher price line for Zombie apocalipse… its gone… some wako beat us to it…. aldo if some one fines stock please let us now (6)
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May 10th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Be careful what you wish for.
keep wishing for Milla, your wife might surprise you for your next anniversary.
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May 10th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
Very cool news and very cool new list! I’m certain that you can add onto this list within the next few months though. ^^
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May 10th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Heh. This is just the starter list, wait until his wife hits the bi-polar, super-PMS-style mood swings toward the end of the pregnancy (and the fact that the only non-food that she can intake is vitamins and tylenol. After that, sleep will be a thing of daydreams, ’cause with twins…..heheheheh
Captcha: duding Niagara….Skippy’s job when Mrs. Schwartz water breaks
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May 11th, 2009 at 12:13 am
Congrats and sympathies Skippy!
I also don’t think you’re allowed to tie cow brains to your wife to give you and your babies a better chance of escape. Not that you’d try this, of course, just saying..
Captcha is scaring me with “RL Fetus”
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May 11th, 2009 at 12:31 am
An ability to navigate in a zombie apocalypse IS a practical consideration for a stroller. And about that zombie apocalypse infant wear, I did find this http://clothing.cafepress.com/zombie_infant-bodysuits they might not offer much protection against zombies, but they look so cute.
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May 11th, 2009 at 12:49 am
You really need to watch the movie scanners, or the puppetmasters or any movie that has parasitic creatures taking control of their Human Hosts. That will help explain the behaviour you will witness from you loving wife over the next several months
But Congratulations and best of luck, the twins will probably turn out to be girls with the looks of supermodels, and the evil genius tendancies of their father. As a friend of mine once said ” Daughters are your punishment for having been a Teenage Boy”
Captcha – Armada 500 – Skippy and the Skippettes new Zombie proof Stroller Now with Automatic Flamethrowers!
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JMireles reply on May 11th, 2009 11:01 pm:
First time I laid eyes on my oldest daughter, I was all but overwhelmed by the desire to find the father’s of my exgirlfriends, and appologize for sleeping with their daughters.
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May 11th, 2009 at 2:02 am
Congratulations, mate. Buy the mrs a nice relaxing read, like The Midwich Cuckoos.
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May 11th, 2009 at 2:50 am
Congratulations.
I’ll just offer a few observations:
* The ability to navigate in ANY imaginable conditions is a practical consideration, with a stroller. Oh, and do get one with a steel frame, and large enough wheels.
Surprisingly, some of the old-fashioned steel jobs fold to a tighter package (for storage, or packing in a car) and weigh less than the alloy/plastic “compact” models.
* For an armored stroller, the folks at the Patria Vehicles plant in Finland are rumored to have made a prototype already. (When one of their engineers had kids… no, not found with Google, possibly not on the ‘net at all. Security, you know. Paper documents are supposed to exist, if you know where to look.)
* Giving your kids a bucket of cheap plastic toy soldiers isn’t too bad. Giving them also a stack of Infantry Tactics training materials to go with them gets you looked at funny.
* Yes, 1-year-olds can learn how to use, AND field strip, clean and reassemble an AK-47. No, teaching them this is not universally accepted.
* Ihmhi, no, that’s not in the Fisher-Price catalog. Try Edison-Giocattoli.
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May 11th, 2009 at 3:00 am
You are not allowed to hire actors to deliver the news about the prophecy but what about us?
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Minty reply on May 11th, 2009 9:11 am:
True. It doesn’t count as “hiring” if we show up at your house wearing robes and chanting for free.
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May 11th, 2009 at 3:36 am
Now I have this picture stuck in my head: Skippy doing the daddy-thing with the twins, pushing the stroller on their daily walk. If you look closely, a flamethrower is stuffed in the basket under the twins’ seats, just in case of a zombie attack……
congrats!
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May 11th, 2009 at 3:49 am
Congrats, Skippy! Now you can begin moulding your successor and his/her evil usurping rival. Just don’t let your wife realize what you are doing, or it will likely result in pain.
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May 11th, 2009 at 4:31 am
Congratulations and condolences
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May 11th, 2009 at 4:38 am
Congrats!
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May 11th, 2009 at 4:47 am
I have a few additions to the list, courtisy of a guy I work with who has kids. Keep in mind he’s a former Marine.
21. No playing with fireworks or explosives near the children.
22. If you violate rule 21 and injure somebody, make damn sure it was only you.
23. Secure the following surplus items lest the spawnlings get into them, Bayonets, ammunition, deactivated grenades (they still hurt when thrown), helmets, or basically anything that weighs a pound or more.
24. If the child hurts it self, even if the child doesn’t care, DO NOT LAUGH!
25. If you have more than one child, and they are both male, they will try to kill eachother. Do not attempt to explain to your wife, their mother, that since they are boys this is perfectly normal behavior.
Finally, congradulations Skippy, and good luck. May your spawnling armies march to victory!
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CCO reply on May 11th, 2009 4:53 am:
Amen!
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Sabra reply on May 11th, 2009 2:35 pm:
Um, I violate Rule #24 all. the. time.
Which may be why my daughters should also be included in #25.
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May 11th, 2009 at 4:51 am
Congratulations!
No, do not initiate Loud Toy War with friends who already have kids. You are behind the power curve, and it would be the parental equivalent of firing on Fort Sumter. They could be giving your kids loud toys for years and never spend a dime. Why, I could lay be hands on a Nintendo DS Baby or perhaps and an Elmo guitar without even breaking a sweat myself.
On the other hand Thomas the Tank Engine and Dragon Tails are both pretty cool.
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May 11th, 2009 at 5:25 am
#19 side note – if the clothing is meant to protect them from zombies, I don’t know. If you mean zombie friendly clothing, then just duck tape a stick to them for instant baby-on-a-stick.
RE shotguns, I’d suggest starting them out with a 410 when they’re toddlers, then move them up to a 20 gauge when they start kindergarten. By 2nd grade the 12 gauge will be no prob.
BTW, congrats. If they’re anything like you, your sure to have hours of endless enjoyment and periods of extreme pain. I got a kid just like me [sigh].
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paula reply on May 11th, 2009 11:24 am:
that’s basically how my own sweet ma used to curse one of my sisters: lots of deep sighs and face-palms, followed by muttering “someday, I hope you have kids JUST. LIKE. YOU.”
captcha: losses month — every month, there will be yet more loss of sleep….
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Enigmatick reply on May 15th, 2009 10:12 am:
Around my home, that’s known as the Bill Cosby Curse. From his concert video “Bill Cosby: Himself” Hilarious!!
Captcha: nemo for – for baby, of course!
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Kurt reply on May 12th, 2009 3:05 pm:
Shotguns are overated for the ZA anyways. Get them a .22 magnum. Plenty of power. More accurate at long ranges (which is where you want to keep the zombies anyways) And the ammo is so much more compact.
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May 11th, 2009 at 5:31 am
1. The stroller’s ability to handle a a zombie apocalypse IS a practical consideration.
2. Here’s some infant clothing for the zombie apocalypse:
http://www.cabelas.com/ssubcat-1/cat602756.shtml
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Pte Walker reply on May 12th, 2009 8:34 am:
I love Cabelas!Their distrabution center/awesome store is like ten minutes from where i live! Btw, I definatly have a freind who got those camo one peices for his tots, haha…
Captcha-Fla mantises-Oh great, something else to worry about!
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Pte Walker reply on May 12th, 2009 8:35 am:
wow, my spelling leaves something to be desired eh?
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May 11th, 2009 at 5:34 am
CONGRATS!
but I have some questions about the list:
1. What about pet cometary?
14-17. What about hiring fans from Skippy’s list?
And as for the stroller make sure you get one with a “cow catcher” thing on the front. It will come in handy for plowing through zombie hordes and just navigating the mall.
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Kurt reply on May 12th, 2009 3:06 pm:
I thought plowing through zombie hordes was just another term for navigating the mall.
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Craig reply on May 14th, 2009 12:40 pm:
Hiring fans? You don’t have to pay volunteers, and we’d all cheerfully volunteer for THAT duty…
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David B reply on March 21st, 2014 11:58 am:
Already welded one on mine! Of course, that was AFTER I added the pistons, drive wheels, smoke machine and headlight.
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May 11th, 2009 at 6:29 am
Congratulations, Skippy! For Zombocalypse-readiness, may I suggest those sling or backpack-style baby carriers? That way, the babies will be right with you, and you won’t have to worry about maneouvring extra hardware around the field of battle. You can just pick up and run, confident that your infants are securely attached.
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Stickfodder reply on May 11th, 2009 6:34 am:
But baby carriers can carry extra weapons!
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ash reply on May 11th, 2009 6:59 am:
baby strollers can BE weapons..they definately leave a mark when you hit someone with them.. or when they fall off the shelf and smack you in the head while you are walking past them.. which is why both my husband and I had bruises from a baby stroller. (it fell, hit me in the head.. he laughed.. i hit him with it)
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May 11th, 2009 at 7:06 am
if you must laugh at a child that hurts themselves, try to leave the room first.. my godson decided to dive headfirst from the back of the couch onto the coffee table and sat on the floor looking very stunned to be there. he didnt cry, just kinda looked around to make sure noone saw him do that and went back to playing. I had to leave the room because i was in tears from laughing so hard. we realized he had a head like concrete after he climbed the babygate at the top of the stairs and slid down headfirst into a shoe rack.. we heard the fall and the collision, but no crying so we were concerned. went to check on him, but surprise surprise, he wasnt there.. instead, to hide his embarrassment, he climbed back up the stairs, back into his crib and sat there telling his toys that it was a bad idea to go downstairs (Look stitch you gotted me in trouble.. No ashy, stitch went on da stairs). He was 2 at the time.. everything was stitch’s fault.
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May 11th, 2009 at 7:41 am
On number 7, that would only work if you could also leave the kid a gigantic fortune. Build up the fortune, then re-think it in about seven years.
Congratulations on the potency, Skippy, and condolences on the evidence! Just keep it away from me. :| Happily childfree and do not need an e-pregnancy, plzk&thx. (Though you’ll probably be the best Dad in the history of Dad-dom.)
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May 11th, 2009 at 7:57 am
I was waiting for this list…
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May 11th, 2009 at 8:07 am
The babies have very good taste in MMOs.
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Janice reply on May 11th, 2009 9:01 am:
They are also fond of World of Warcraft. :-D
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ThandraK reply on May 11th, 2009 9:54 am:
The babies have reasonably good taste in MMOs.
Not allowed to doctor the sonogram so it looks like a chestburster is lurking inside?
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ThandraK reply on May 11th, 2009 9:56 am:
Wait, that was covered in #1.
… so it looks like an ewok is lurking inside?
Not allowed to pick a baby monitor on the grounds it makes your voice sound like HAL?
Jim A reply on May 11th, 2009 11:59 am:
Well yes, but Don’t Mess With The Zohan? Perhaps that will motivate them to unass the AO ASAP.
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CCO reply on May 12th, 2009 3:40 pm:
OK, I’m blanking out. What is MMO — massive mutliplayer online [games implied]?
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Thandrak reply on May 12th, 2009 4:20 pm:
Confirmed.
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May 11th, 2009 at 8:39 am
I can’t wait to see the spawnlings’ list of what skippy tells them they can’t do!
skippy, think back. Did anyone ever tell you “I hope you have kids just like you?” because that curse WORKS!
Ooooo! What about pitching gladiator-style fights with the kids?
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Prodigal reply on May 12th, 2009 12:32 am:
“What about pitching gladiator-style fights with the kids?”
Two babies enter, one baby leaves! Thundercrib! Thundercrib! Thundercrib!
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CCO reply on May 12th, 2009 6:01 pm:
What’s really weird is that reminds me of the last Love Bug remake.
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May 11th, 2009 at 9:11 am
I totally have to agree with Rule 1. Due to an extremely protected childhood, I had never seen any of the Alien movies when I got pregnant. My husband thought it would be amusing to have me watch the movie when I was about 7 months into it, and then wouldn’t stop with the Alien references to my tummy. That might be part of why we’re now divorced.
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May 11th, 2009 at 9:21 am
Congratulations!
And may I suggest the purchase of a slapper for your lovely wife to keep the moron strangers away from patting her belly without asking first?
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Janice reply on May 11th, 2009 9:29 am:
haha! Awesome!
I was planning to just put my hand on their stomach and when they ask why/get pissy/look confused, explain that I thought that was how people greeted each other on their planet.
Yours will be just as entertaining!
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Tony reply on May 11th, 2009 1:11 pm:
Huh. When Minty mentioned a “slapper” I imagined something a little more… Well. Like this:
http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20061007/images/saps280.jpg
http://www.copsplus.com/products/large/bl-5413.jpg
http://images.worthpoint.com/files/pb/357/5861/dsc03617.jpg
Probably an easier and faster way to make your point, considering how thick-skulled idiots people can sometimes be.
(CAPTCHA: “is finances”. Yes, they is. Fuxored as per usual. :P )
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Minty reply on May 12th, 2009 9:37 am:
I was thinking of something that had a little range, so she could cut them off at the pass, so to speak. The third one might work for that, but the others require the offender to be too close.
Now, if Mrs. Skippy wanted to lure them in and get them, I’d definitely agree that yours are the better choices.
Kurt reply on May 13th, 2009 6:48 pm:
How did society ever decide that it was okay to do that anyways? You touch a pregnant cat belly it shreds your hand. You should, imho, expect that from pregnant humans as well.
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StoneWolf reply on May 14th, 2009 9:44 am:
No shit. This is just the beggining of the “Momma Bear” thing. Mommy has a spawling growing insider her and not at her physical peak, making her more likly to feel threatened. You, a stranger, are moving quicky to intercempt mommy and clearly intend to make contact. Mommy, percieving this as a threat, procedes to beat you to death with your own arm, the one you foolishly tried to attack her child with while it was still inside her. You are then suprised by this course of events, where, had you studied the behavior of mother wolves or bears, you should have known better.
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Kurt reply on May 14th, 2009 4:20 pm:
I wonder if emergency rooms ever get people in there with strollers wrapped around their skulls.
Captcha 81 elements. Someone’s going off an old periodic table.
nikki reply on May 24th, 2009 8:04 pm:
Kurt,
never wrapped one around someones head but I did smash someones hand in a stroller by forcefully closing said stroller on his hand. The nice policeman that watched it happen said that it was some VERY good thinking on my part. btw I was 14 and watching my 3 yr old sister at the zoo. Nobody got near my kids when I was watching them.
Pretty sure he did need the emergency room too. that stroller was Old and made with lots of scarily sharp “Pinch Points” each kindly painted the color of blood.
captcha- to stickler-only with a knife.
May 11th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Congrats, Skippy! Our first is only 6 months old and it is a wonder… we constantly wonder what brain damage we suffered to go through this in the first place.
Seriously, though, children are a joy, just kiss your sleep goodbye. Especially with two of them. I only envy you in that if 2 children is your limit, than you only have this pregnancy to go through, while I have another at some point in the future. Silly genetic legacy.
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Enigmatick reply on May 15th, 2009 10:18 am:
If they’re female, just wait till they’re 14! My daughter left me a note while I was in the shower that a boy 2-1/2 years older than her wanted to take her out. I spent the day in the ER.
captcha: Bank clown – Makes those high interest rates entertaining, at least.
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May 11th, 2009 at 9:45 am
I will laugh so hard if you name the kids Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, and never tell them which one is which.
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May 11th, 2009 at 9:54 am
The babies want you to pay for the counselling I now need after thinking about your pelvic thrust based boo-yar…..
Congrats by the way.
Captcha: reptile years.. come after the terrible twos.
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May 11th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Congrats Skippster. BTW twins run in the female line ;)
I got older twin brothers, was hours of amusement listening to them fight and scream that the other one was ugly. Identical twins, go figure.
Just give them plenty of things to throw and you’ll be fine.
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May 11th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Name them one-of-two and two-of-two and if you have more, just change the suffix one-of-five, two-of-five … you get the picture. Invest in a pair of Moby-wraps (or something similar) they are the shiznit and WAAAY cheaper than a double stroller (also, you can’t take a stroller into the backwoods)
Captca: exposes $12,230,418 – The total cost until age 18, Good Luck!
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May 11th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Congratulations to the both of you, but truth be told, she’s the uber fertile one, not you.
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May 11th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Skippy.
One serious piece of advice. Audiobooks. Make them listen to audiobooks. It will get them into reading and increase their intelligence. This has worked in everycase of this happening in my (extended) family.
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Raptortech97 reply on May 6th, 2011 5:42 pm:
In my experience, that leaves them with a British accent. This can be positive or negative, as Brits still think it’s American, so you always sound foreign. If you don’t want that, make sure to get the right nationality of the cast of the audiobook.
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May 11th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Congrats on the kids. Just remember if you catch them on the first bounce you are okay.
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May 11th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Congratulations.
Re #1: My experience has been that by about month 7.5, you will feel as if an alien is about to burst out of your stomach. (I flash more toward Spaceballs, myself, not Aliens.) And I’ve only ever had singletons; I’m betting it will be earlier & worse with twins. Eventually, Mrs Skippy will be able to tell which body part she’s being punched from the inside with.
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May 11th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Thou shalt not name fraternal twins Luke and Leia.
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May 11th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
But what about the trunk monkey? Will they be totally unarmed in the case of a zombie apocalypse? Atleast talk her into a 50 cal machine gun if the harpoon launcher is out of the question…
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May 11th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Super congrats Skippy! Best of luck.
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May 11th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Oh good Lord – now there’ll be two of you. The World is doomed!
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Murphy reply on May 11th, 2009 7:44 pm:
Dude it’s twins, there will be THREE of him! What’s worse than doomed?
But still a big congrats to you Skippy and Mrs. Skippy.
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Jason reply on May 11th, 2009 7:51 pm:
This is true.
And I forgo congrats, Skippy, and Mrs. Good luck.
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StoneWolf reply on May 14th, 2009 9:45 am:
Murphy? First or last name?
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Murphy reply on May 14th, 2009 10:54 am:
First. Actually it started as an unfortunate childhood nickname, but apparently everyone I know and love has forgotten I have a real name so years ago I just gave up the fight and went with it.
May 11th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
For strollers have a look at Lone Wolf & club
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May 11th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Congrats to both of you…two at a time- I am impressed, Skippy:) Good Luck, Mrs.Skippy.
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May 11th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Congrats to both of you!
But pray your own mother didn’t curse you with that “pay for your raising” crap. Mine did, and I am.
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May 11th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Capcha: Wolfram 71 …Hart 69, which is how they decided the name of the firm…hey, now those are some good names for twins! Heh! ;^)
Mazel tov Mr. & Mrs. Skippy! Good luck and God bless, especially when one of ’em breaks right and the other goes left, who do you hunt and capture first? Take my mom’s advice – a leash is not cruel when your small children outnumber you in a crowded place.
Also, pelvic-thrusting boo-yah aside (ew.), it’s possible that only *one* of yer swimmers was enough to do the job if the egg split post-fertilization, resulting in identical twins. Which would make Mrs. Skippy just that much more amazing!
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Sabra reply on May 12th, 2009 5:16 pm:
The only downside to leashes, in my experience, is that sometimes the kids think it’s funny to drop to all fours and start barking.
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Mlynnr reply on May 14th, 2009 8:28 am:
Dang, wish we’d thought of doing that back in the day! Woulda been worth being in time-out lock-down until age 18! Hee!
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May 11th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
I know where you live, I can ship at a company discount, and I will be going to Toys R Us…
and will push buttons…
lots and lots of buttons…
and then when my ears are bleeding, I will send two of whatever caused the brain spaz.
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skippy reply on May 11th, 2009 9:27 pm:
And I know where you live. And I can buy your child a book of knock-knock jokes.
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Jen L. reply on May 11th, 2009 9:44 pm:
OK, Truce.
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Pte Walker reply on May 12th, 2009 8:41 am:
Laughing my ass off…literaly
May 11th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Congrats, Skippy and wife!
(Hey, I married one of a set of identical twins… the evil one, of course.) :)
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Minty reply on May 12th, 2009 10:01 am:
Everyone knows the evil one is the most fun. My grandmother married the evil one, and sixty-five years later, they’re still having a good time.
In a non-sexual way, of course. As far as I’m concerned. Ew. I just squicked myself. . .
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May 11th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Additions:
Not allowed to help the new spawn(s) discover which livingroom electronics can fit a PB&J.
Not allowed to let the new spawn(s) help you discover the response time of the local FD.
Or EMS.
Or the police.
Don’t try to figure out how a toddler can get spaghetti on the back of their head.
If one or both of your children comes bouncing onto your bed at 5am, covering your jewels is recommended. (I’m not kidding. It hurts like hell. Especially when the wife’s laughing doesn’t stop for 30 minutes. It took my youngest daughter two bounces to convert me to a soprano.)
Parenting math: 1 child + 1 broken anything = no mystery. More than 1 child + broken anything = the need for a CSI team.
Along with your new children, will be a few new roomies. No one had yet to figure out what they look like, or where they come from. They answer to the following: Wasn’t Me, I didn’t do it, HE did it, SHE did it, and my personal fav, It just happened.
Anyways. Congrats, and my sympathies. So sorry about what few shreds of sanity your were so desperately clinging to. They’ll be gone soon.
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May 12th, 2009 at 12:32 am
The “Mother’s curse” works, perfectly, so you should take those warnings to heart! The most disturbing characteristic my little Angel has, which reminds her mother and everyone else of me, is her tendency to get quiet and watch the TV any time a gun fight occurs, LOL!
My friends are placing bets that she will be the only child in her kindergarten class that can quote the movies “Full Metal Jacket” and “Army of Darkness” from memories derived from being in the womb still, so I have come up with a new parenting plan for people like myself;
1. Buy renters/home owners insurance, the maximum amount with the lowest deductible possible.
2. “Child proofing” a house, in my case, is next to impossible; far easier for me to find a new place with a “Widow’s Cottage” on the property somewhere, then move myself into it and let the wife and mother-in-law have the main house, LOL!
3. Just because your child is not fussy, rarely cries and is overall the “happiest baby” anyone who sees her can remember ever seeing, does NOT mean she will sleep through the night. Buy stock in “Nodoze”.
4. If you have pets (especially cats), and they immediately take an interest in letting you know when the baby is hungry/awake/moves/makes a noise/etc., you should immediately put pillow blocks on the bottoms of any rooms you are likely to try and sleep in. Even if the baby is in the room with you, the minute she rolls over/makes a noise in her sleep or anything that might be heard by an animals hightened hearing, they will immediately begin scratching at the door to alert you/check for themselves that the baby is fine.
5. Cats are wonderful pets, and can be very affectionate to both you and your new child. Shave the hair from their bodies the moment the baby starts discovering it can grip things; it is more humane for the cats!
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Kurt reply on May 12th, 2009 2:51 pm:
Reminds me of my cat who is a month or two older than my youngest neice. When we were all living in the same house Pan, the cat, and Willow, the urchin, were best of friends. She’d grab Pan by the tail, and he’d turn around and bat at her with his paws, but no claws, and lick her instead of biting. They were adorable together.
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CCO reply on May 12th, 2009 7:00 pm:
My first dog would get between the road and my sister or me; none of us (the dog, my sister or me) were allowed to cross the road.
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paula reply on May 16th, 2009 6:15 pm:
And apparently the dog was the only one paying attention to the rules!
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Cathaine reply on August 15th, 2009 2:26 am:
I’ve had pets my whole life, but the dogs were the closest thing to babysitters my sister and I ever had.
One, name of Blackie (the Second), used to put up with us crawling over and stealing his Milk Bones while we were teething. We’d take them right out of his mouth and he would look up at Dad with the most pitiful expression, like he was saying “Paul, she did it again.” Mom still swears by Milk Bones as teething aids, by the way – apparently no amount of drool will make them mushy.
Another, Tasha, despite being the most obese canine I have ever known saved our lives once. We were sitting on the back lawn, and a snake slithered out of the stone wall nearby. Never before has a dog that fat moved so fast. All that could be seen was a streak of orange and SNAP, one dead snake.
Hmm, I guess dog stories run in my family. My Dad’s first dog was a puppy he picked at the pound. Grandpa brought him there and told him to choose, and Dad picked the runty one with a cast on it’s leg. That runt grew into a 150lb German Sheperd that was a born protector of my equally runty father, who was not the healthiest kid in the world despite being tough as nails.
That upbringing is probably why I have a theory about dogs and children – every kid should be raised with or around either a large calm dog, or a hyper small one, preferably both. That way they’ll be used to all kinds. Something to consider when the little ones ask for a puppy.
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May 12th, 2009 at 7:08 am
“I will try to not let my supreme potency impregnate any of my female readers, but I can’t make any promises.”
*looks at her son* THAT’S why he’s a little troublemaker!!!
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May 12th, 2009 at 8:16 am
I like the mother’s curse thing, but I like Janice too much. I cannot imagine two of Skippy. Pray for girls?
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paula reply on May 12th, 2009 10:13 am:
sorry, but that won’t help: girls or boys, their his kids!
captcha: mindful schmaltz —- if you think these little bundles of joy are gonna be angels, you’re mind’s full of schmaltz!
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May 12th, 2009 at 8:47 am
First of all, Congrats to you both!
Second, a harpoon gun in the tail gunner position means that it will be pointed AT YOU. Do you really want something like that pointed at your junk?
Third, also to be avoided: Starship Troopers. Prodigous quantities of bug guts (and Casper Van Dien) tend to make mommies queasy.
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May 12th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Huh. My dad used his ferret as a baby sitter, so I’m not exactly sure why that one’s on the list…
Congrats on the twins. Just kiss any hope of returning sanity and sleep goodbye.
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StoneWolf reply on May 14th, 2009 9:49 am:
Ferrit? The woman who ran the daycare when I was a kid used a sheepdog.
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paula reply on May 15th, 2009 12:55 pm:
be glad it wasn’t a doberman?
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Ali reply on May 20th, 2009 12:20 pm:
Or a rottwieler – they take the word “sitter” literally.
May 12th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Wa-hey, this is exciting news! Too bad about the wrong set of twins, but congratulations nonetheless on the mini-Skippies.
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May 12th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Did she say anything about testing them for the Force? Or does that fall under super powers
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Kurt reply on May 12th, 2009 2:54 pm:
And forgot, congrats to Skippy, Skippette, and the Skiplings.
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May 12th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Better avoid stuff like this since it’ll just drive the Mrs. crazy. There’re procedures to prevent it now.
We probably both should double check this one: Falling flat-screen TVs a growing threat for kids.. And vice-versa I’ll bet.
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May 12th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
On second thought don’t! Just make sure your flat-panel is securely anchored. You have a year or so to go before mobility issues arrive anyway.
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May 13th, 2009 at 8:51 am
I’m a few days late, but congratulations Skippy! This my be another sign of the end-times though… :D
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May 13th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Oh, I would recommend the over/under (line a head) style baby strollers; as I think that width issues with doors and store aisles, etc. are more likely than length issues.
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May 14th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Well done soldier!
You may want to include using the word spawn or demon seed around wife.
Not watching Children of the Corn or The Omen during
pregnacy.
Don’t be suprised if they can communicate with each other before they can talk. It’s very spooky to witness! My friends twins would E&E the house at 2 years of age.
Good luck and best of health to Mrs. Skippy.
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May 16th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
i am a father of twin girls age 2, all i can say is every one you know is going to ask you “how do you do it you know i had a hard enough time with just one at a time”….the answer is get them on a schedule.
when ever you and mrs. skippy talk about future children never say that next time it will be three boys
when she is in labor and you haven’t had any sleep for the past 36-48 hours don’t try to take a cat nap she will hit you with the nearest blunt obj. my wife used a bed pan..no it was a clean one
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May 18th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Major congratulations Skippy!…and Mrs. Skippy too.
Best wishes to you both.
Captcha = 29 ailette…Hmmm, that would be the position that hit two targets with one round. Now you know!
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May 24th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
congrats on the munchinks.
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May 31st, 2009 at 9:33 am
Congrats! And don’t worry about evading zombies when the twins are small. After 6 weeks postpartum, you ARE the zombies. Sleep now dude. Sleep now.
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June 14th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Skippy congrats and I suggest for the stroller you get the Nerf Vulcan. It’s a belt feed nerf machinegun perfect for training the munchkins for the Zombie Apocalypse.
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August 15th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
I don’t think you’re allowed to giggle, pat her tummy and say “We starting our army now honey..”
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October 6th, 2010 at 11:58 am
congrats!
btw, they already have superpowers– it’s called that weird psychic thing twins have.
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