Sesos!
So last week I showed my readers that the zombie apocalypse had begun. And this week Michael demonstrated that the problem has evidently been spreading.
Well I have recently realized that the problem is bigger and worse than originally suspected.
You see if you read the article I referenced, you will notice that the zombie in question yelled in Spanish at his victim. Now we all know that zombies can’t talk. But sometimes, when a victim has first been infected, they get a bit chompy, while still retaining a few shreds of their intellect. This was clearly the case in New Orleans last week.
While discussing the story at work, we began to wonder if there was some significance to the fact that the zombie spoke Spanish. And that’s when I made the realization.
Mexico has in all likelihood had a serious zombie problem for years now. That would explain the thousands of refugees willing to come across the border and take jobs selling oranges on the highway and cleaning motels.
It would also explain the rise in violence south of the border. There isn’t a drug war. It’s gangs of hastily thrown together militia, trying to keep a handle on a crisis that their government can no longer contain.
But wait, it gets worse.
I think that our government has known about this for some time, and has been trying to quietly prepare for it. Impending zombie invasion actually makes a lot of government decisions make a whole lot more sense, in retrospect.
For instance, the US/Mexico border fence. This is a security precaution that only makes sense if you assume that Mexicans don’t know how a ladder works. Take a drive past a construction site and you’ll see proof of how accurate that idea is. The notion that Mexicans can’t use ladders was pretty thoroughly disproven during the battle of the Alamo, so surely our leaders knew that it was useless to curb illegal immigration.
Zombies however, are easily thwarted by our superior “wall” technology.
Also, for the past five years our soldiers have been getting some serious desert warfare experience, which will come in handy when the mega-swarms start heading into Texas.
It also explains why both the last and current administration are willing to take on so much foreign debt. Why worry about passing on a crippling deficit to the next generation when international trade is going to collapse in the next few years anyways?
The recent spat of mass shootings? Early outbreaks. I mean, one of these was actually at an immigration center. One infected guy got in, spread it to the others and then next thing you know over a dozen zed-heads need to be put down.
Remember when Dick Cheney mistook a wealthy Republican donor for a bird? Did you believe that? Of course not. But most of us could belief that a Mexican zombie managed to wander into Crawford and bite a Republican donor. And that Cheney would not hesitate to put a shotgun to the skull of any infection risk. Why do you think they waited a day to report it? It took them a day to find an actor to replace the guy Cheney shot. There were two big clues that showed us what was really going on there. The first, of course was the apology. Who the hell apologizes for getting shot in the head? The second clue is the rather common knowledge that when Dick Cheney pulls the trigger, a man dies.
On a scale of lethality headshot by Dick Cheney ranks just in the middle of “Got between Rosie O’Donnell and a buffet” and “Cockpunched by Chuck Norris.” There is no way that a 78 year old man was walking away from that. Zombie uprising remains the only rational explanation.
As Michiel pointed out earlier, a Hollywood actor mistook a cameraman for a zombie. Clearly the recent glut of zombie themed movies, games, and books is part of a propaganda effort between our government and the entertainment industry. They are trying to educate people about the threat, while simultaneously ease us into the idea that it might be a possibility. There is a precedent to this line of thinking, as our government has actually done this sort of thing before, to get people into the idea that killing Nazi’s might be a neat idea.
And the last piece of evidence? The fact that we currently have a Democrat in who has stated that he has more important things to do than to try to take away American’s assault weapons. Have you ever heard of a Democratic politician that didn’t like taking away guns? Of course you haven’t.
Obama knows what’s coming, and knows that his country will need an armed population to survive.
Follow
April 16th, 2009 at 3:54 am
Oh…my…God! You’re right! It all makes sense. Seemingly poor governmental decisions, Obama’s various non-Democratic moves, the overblown war(s) in the Middle East, the fact that we’re still in there, with soldiers being rotated in and out as often as possible(or so its seems), it all points to one inevitability: Mexico has a zombie problem.
Now we need to figure out what to do.
I, for one, propose nuking the whole area into glass. Preferably from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
CAPTCHA: Faure flesh: A zombie’s favorite meal?
Reply
April 16th, 2009 at 3:56 am
Wow it’s scary how much this makes sense. I’m glad I live in the middle of nowhere and own guns. Even though that part about the shooting in Binghamton hit a little close to home. I’d hate to think that there are zombies that close to my home town. Ah crap I’ve got farms around where I live that hire migrant workers every year. I’m gonna need to keep my eyes on them this year.
Reply
April 16th, 2009 at 4:13 am
I feel pretty confident that living in Vermont is a pretty good basic defense. Between rough terrain which will interfere with shamblers, to harsh winters that should freeze them solid enough to exterminate before they thaw, and the fact that almost every Vermont home has about a gun per person, I think we can start the counter-offensive if things get out of had. However, I agree with Chris. Although I would say a saturation bombing with low yeild nukes will be more thorough than point bombing with high yeild devices. We can probably get the Canooks in on this too.
Captcha: Shuman of-what? Doom, light, something?
Reply
April 16th, 2009 at 6:35 am
Are you guys crazy? Haven’t you read The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z? As if zombies aren’t bad enough you want to throw in radioactive zed-heads? Sure, you might destroy a couple of thousand or so in the blast but what about the rest?
Name any game or movie that has a zombie in it and it’s always the same. The only sure way to get them down and keep them there is to destroy the brain. Hit to the head. I’m not counting those with so-called “Super Zombies” al-la 28 Days/Weeks Later, Resident Evil, etc. caused by virii/mutations/chemical spills and so on. They are not real zombies.
(ot by in the same vein – FREAKIN VAMPIRES DON’T SPARKLE……END OF STORY!)
OMG! I just realised! George Romero tried to tell us this all the way back in ’68! Night of the Living Dead!
Captcha : removing ready – I’m already gone!
Reply
StoneWolf reply on April 16th, 2009 11:15 am:
The way to prevent radioactive zombies is with low yeild saturation. That way they’ll all be vaporized. But if you’re really worried and willing to spend a little more, we can replace the nukes with thermobarics. Either way, vaporizing the head is at least as good as a .30 through it.
Reply
April 16th, 2009 at 6:46 am
I’m a Canuck. Where do I sign up?
Zombies hate the cold right? You guys can camp out at my place. =)
Captcha: manages buzz – it’s up to you Skippy to keep us informed of the zombie epidemic
Reply
Ix reply on April 16th, 2009 3:57 pm:
It’s not “hate the cold” so much as “become too frozen to move well/at all, once the snow comes”. But it’s a good thought, anyways.
Reply
April 16th, 2009 at 7:11 am
I for one would like to welcome our new shambling unded overlords.
Reply
Sean Beattie reply on April 16th, 2009 7:12 am:
Ack, “undead”. Damn, blew a great ref with the misspelling.
Reply
Billy reply on April 16th, 2009 9:31 am:
Well, zombies arnt known for their spelling and grammer, so I think your first one was better.
Reply
April 16th, 2009 at 7:43 am
Out of curiosity, how long do the zombies maintain their structural integrity? Before they start to smell bad, I mean. Cos if they’re not too gross, too soon, I have a basement, a ball gag, a whole bunch of rope, and some… experiments… I’d like to try. Purely in the name of Science, of course. To help us better understand how to battle the zombie menace. I swear. And that’s surgical lubricant, not sex grease.
Reply
GraveOne reply on April 16th, 2009 10:46 am:
of course it is….
damn and I’m in Mexico I should have seen this comming sooner…
please note that not all imigrants are mexicans… some come from lower america….
PS Please spare some shotgun shells… Im already running low…
captcha; 30r handpick…. sounds like a nice weapon :P
Reply
TeratoMarty reply on April 16th, 2009 10:52 am:
Not all immigrants are Mexican, and by the time we read this, not all zombies are immigrants. It’s not like the zeds are racist about who they bite, so let’s not be racist about who we shoot.
Reply
TeratoMarty reply on April 16th, 2009 10:56 am:
Oo, actually, you’re in Mexico, as are hordes of Americans on spring break. How long before a kid gets bit on the way to the airport, says “I don’t feel so good” on the way home, and a plane-load of zombies crash-lands in Nebraska?
Cathaine reply on April 18th, 2009 12:33 am:
You’d be surprised how often that happens.
Grayson reply on April 16th, 2009 1:36 pm:
Marty, if I may offer a suggestion? Try stocking up on weapons lubricant and gun grease instead.
Captcha: grecians novae…can you use this stuff on a Remington model 870 pump-action shotgun?
Reply
April 16th, 2009 at 8:33 am
Im with Caine on this one, you guys come up here we go north. Then we shatter some zombies on ice when they freeze over during winter, then its beers all around. On the condition that you guys get Mexico and we get to keep Alaska.
Reply
Minty reply on April 16th, 2009 9:38 am:
What kind of deal is that? We get a nuclear wasteland and you get a pristine wilderness with oil? Screw that.
Reply
StoneWolf reply on April 16th, 2009 11:21 am:
First the Zacks, then Canucks! It’ll be like Canadian Bacon. John Candy shall be made General. We took Ticonderoga from the Brits, twice, and we can get Alaska from Canada. Who cares if we have to cross the whole country to do it. The Green Mountain Boys shall march to victory! We can even use Grade C to make incindiaries!
Reply
Minty reply on April 16th, 2009 12:55 pm:
John Candy’s dead, which means he’ll be the general of the enemy.
Other than that, I say sign me up for the invasion!
StoneWolf reply on April 16th, 2009 1:22 pm:
Shit, I missed the Memo on that one. Ok, so try this. We get ole John Zombie to lead the primary invasion of Canada as cannon fodder. Doesn’t matter who wins. The Canuks will be drained from fighting Zacks and the Zombies will be largely killed off by the Canadians. Then we push north during Winter. The Canadians will be dug in for the snow and the Zacks will be frozen. We’ll be fine as Woodchucks are most active in winter. We’re almost as good at Winter War as the Ruskies.
Reply
Ix reply on April 16th, 2009 4:00 pm:
Our attack polar bears will stymie you.
Minty reply on April 16th, 2009 4:32 pm:
What, all ten of them?
April 16th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Now, I happen to know when the most probable time for zombies to attack is. It is not on some random summer day, but it will happen during black friday. Lets analyze for a second, they have already eased the idea into the retail industry that “black friday” is a bad time with the name alone. Not only that, but those who work in retail stores have the most anti-zombie weapons close at hand, for melee at least. Second, if a zombie gets into a mob of early christmas shoppers, only the retail would notice the blood, and the look in the zombies eyes that would be different from the others. Other than that, the news would have an easy time covering it up: “why are those people biting each other?” “its black friday, and they both want Wiis.” “Oh.”
Hence, help the retail stores get guns back on the shelves, we are your first line of defense.
Reply
Minty reply on April 16th, 2009 9:42 am:
Actually, it’s called “Black Friday” because it’s the day that the retail world finds whether or not they’re going to turn a profit for the year (i.e. black = profit, red = deficit).
Doesn’t change the fact that you’re right, though. Black Friday would be the perfect day for Z-Day.
Reply
Billy reply on April 16th, 2009 10:14 am:
Then why wouldn’t it be known as “green” or “yellow” friday, the more common colors, how do you know that that wasn’t made up as an excuse to help ease us into the “evil” part of black friday?
captcha: Esquire 2.5, another random sequel
Reply
Minty reply on April 16th, 2009 10:32 am:
Because of accountants. See, in accounting, pretty colors, such as green and blue and yellow, are “silly.” Money is serious business, and there is no room for joy and happiness.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:28 am
I think I found the source. from this article: http://www.reuters.com/article/scienceNews/idUSN2742810220071228
“Mexico City is littered with pre-Hispanic ruins. In August [2007], archeologists in the city’s crime-ridden Iztapalapa district unearthed what they believe may be the main pyramid of Tenochtitlan.”
Skippy is a genius who will save us all.
Reply
April 16th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Oh.
My.
God.
We’re doomed…
Reply
April 16th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Thank God I live by Lake Superior in the UP. It’s like a mini-Canada.
Reply
Twan reply on April 16th, 2009 12:39 pm:
Hooray for protective geography! The UP shall be in post-zombie outbreak America as Switzerland was in the Middle Ages. And then I can be a HWARLORD, my rule shall be just and strong, but My rule none-the-less. Okay, I’ll have a council of close advisors, and maybe a house of commons so the people think they have some power. My first order of business: removing the “useless” population into “colonies”, and training an elite zombie fighting unit – the Z-Team.
captcha: Most moore – is pure lard, the rest is bullshit and Communism.
Reply
April 16th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Makes me glad I got Max Brooks’ ‘Zombie Survival Guide’.
Reply
Twan reply on April 16th, 2009 4:22 pm:
Actually, Max Brooks didn’t do that great of a job. My friends and I went through and edited my copy. We scribbled in a lot. For instance, he’s obsessed with the slow-moving, boom-headshot type and destroying staircases. He mislabels vans as SUVs, he forgets all about ATVs and his gun knowledge is lacking, etcetera, etcetera, and so on, and so forth.
Reply
StoneWolf reply on April 17th, 2009 4:25 am:
His basic knowlege of tactics and fortifications is also minimal. I think most people can get the barricade with guns method alright on their own. Its tactical movment, laying fortifications and traps, and that sort of thing that is more useful. However, I find it’s easier just to read FMs for that and adapt for Z Day.
Reply
April 16th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
I hereby nominate Bruce Campbell (with chainsaw and boomstick) for the position of Supreme Commanding Overlord of the Anti-Zombie Forces of the English Speaking World (that’s a mouthfull, isn’t it?). Better yet, just call him “Boss”.
I further move that Skippy should be promoted to the rank of Senior NCO of the Anti-Zombie Forces, and for Head of Strategy Coordination, I recommend The Supremely Awesome Sam Raimi (the guy who directed the movie, Evil Dead-Army of Darkness).
Any Skippyites out there (damn, it’s that word AGAIN!!) have any other suggestions for a command staff and strategic planning?
Reply
TeratoMarty reply on April 16th, 2009 1:52 pm:
Obviously, Chuck Norris and Mr T need command positions. I also nominate Amy Winehouse, Paris Hilton, Hannah Montana and similar unsavoury starlets for the position of “bait.”
Reply
Leon reply on April 16th, 2009 3:16 pm:
“I ain’t fightin’ no zombie Hannibal!”
Reply
Minty reply on April 16th, 2009 3:19 pm:
Man, there’s some shit not even Zombies would eat.
Well, that and there’s the whole “brains” thing. I don’t think you’ll find much of that in the average Hollywood starlet.
Which means LA will end up being spared. Damn, can’t those Zombies do anything useful?!
Reply
StoneWolf reply on April 17th, 2009 4:28 am:
All Hail Bossman Bruce!
Captcha: parcels skinhead-how to ship them home?
Reply
Billy reply on April 18th, 2009 6:32 am:
My own suggestion, do not, I repeat, do not congregate at any fast food resturants, they have almost no decent anti-zombie weapons. You are better off in a dept. store like Target or Wal-mart or something, those places have food, a means to cook it, and many many anti-zombie weapons. Remember kids, even a frying pan is good against zombies, and a fryer is crap. Doing exstensive research working at Target, we have several baseball bats, numerous frying pans, (timmy, what are you thinking with that freakin’ egg pan, its too small!) shelves to set up against entrances, microwaves, many microwavable dinners, and, if you are a good throw, plenty of baseballs! we also have plenty of videogames and systems for us to practice our combat skills on, and we have so much bad music we can test it on the zombies to see if it can make them eat their own brains!
captcha: Times induces… us to fall to the zombie hordes, read the Inquierer!
Reply
Stickfodder reply on April 18th, 2009 11:35 pm:
And don’t forget that they don’t have many windows to board up either so that’s a plus. And as for baseballs, they would be much better used inside of the doorway to help slip them up they won’t be perfect but they should help.
Reply
April 16th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Well, I guess it’s a good thing I have some rifles. And live in Washingo–wait. What if the Zombies got some Canadians?! OH NO! That means only one thing. We’re all safe in Colorado. It’s Boxy and easily defensible.
-SpaZzy-
Reply
Leon reply on April 16th, 2009 3:18 pm:
Northern Canada’s a safe place to wait out the zombie invasion. Blackflies will consume any zombie invasion force in the summer and we just leisurely shatter the zombiesicles in the winter.
Captcha: have Hosier (will travel?)
Reply
April 17th, 2009 at 12:02 am
This theory also neatly explains the “tea parties” of April 15 — thousands of “persons”, clearly w/o brains, massing in public areas for “protests”.
Stay away from these “people”, people!
Reply
April 17th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Y’all have to check out Zombie Jane Austen novels.
(briefing Dolphins: how?)
Reply
April 17th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Another one:
http://www.morungexpress.com/odd-news/21256.html
capthca: madntosh seduces. Just like how that guys johnson seduced him.
Reply
April 17th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
The Onion knows whats going on:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTbYUd1jUc4&feature=PlayList&p=FD1BFDFC7134BC71&index=1
Reply
April 17th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
I’ not that versed in zombie lore, but do look forward to the battle. Fighting for your life with every sinew of your being is a hell of a rush… especially if you win! But I have a question for everyone…
I has discussing various techniques for dispatching zombies and someone asked about “salt”. Most of the zombies I’ve seen are kinda slimmy and dripping ooze. Do you guys think putting salt on them might kill them like slugs? Ooooo! What about rock salt in your shotgun shells?!
Reply
Cathaine reply on April 18th, 2009 12:49 am:
Hmmm, salt as a weapon has been proven viable with certain other, older breeds of beastie…. I suppose controlled testing would be wise before heading into combat armed with a slingshot and packets of Morton’s.
….Though that would be hilarious if it worked.
Reply
TeratoMarty reply on April 18th, 2009 5:19 am:
Curse zombies based on African magic (voodoo et cetera) can be returned to the ranks of the non-walking dead by liberal application of salt- it cancels out most African magic. Dunno about zombies based on whatever you get from rooting around in Aztec tombs.
Reply
Stickfodder reply on April 18th, 2009 11:01 pm:
Well I hope it’s that kind. I live near a HUGE salt mine.
Reply
Maven reply on May 31st, 2009 2:47 pm:
No, no, no! That’s only good for Haitian “Voudoun/Voodoo” zombies, not flesh eating Romero zombies.
Reply