Things I Can’t Do As A Purchasing Assistant
(Submitted by Kereineko)
1. Not allowed to spend your whole shift active on the internet.
2. Not allowed to bypass the sensors that record active internet usage time.
3. Not allowed to disappear into the factory for hours while not working.
4. Not allowed to try to steal flavors we make to add to your drinks.
5. Not allowed to even if it comes out awesome and ever one wants more.
6. Not allowed to ask to replace you buyer since he’s retarded at his job and a monkey should be able to do but he can’t.
7. Not allowed to ask if you can make capes for your dept.
8. Not allowed to call your boss “captain silly” or “mr. Happy” to mock him.
9. Not allowed to bring in capes that say Mr. Happy or C.S. (captain stupid).
10. Not allowed to show others how to bypass internet filters
11. This includes the V.P.’s of the company.
12. Not allowed to laugh at the V.P. of I.T. when he comes down because the buyer couldn’t figure out the printer wouldn’t work because it was jammed.
13. Not allowed to flip, rotate, or mirror image the buyers screen. He won’t know what to do and will call the IT VP.
14. Not allowed to steal the buyers pc passwords that haven’t changed since before I worked there but he still can’t remember.
15. Not allowed to steal his phone and change the ring tones
16. Not allowed to annoy you boss by harassing the buyer in any way.
17. Not allowed to bring in food I royally messed up cooking and tastes horrid to see if it will get eaten.
18. Not allowed to laugh all day when they compliment you and scrape the container clean.
19. Not allowed to eat oatmeal at work
20. Not allowed to eat quinua at work
21. Not allowed to eat anything that looks like bird feed, smells weird, looks weird, esp if it’s just to gross out your boss.
22. Not allowed to have a Carls Jr. burger meal for breakfast and make fun of all the dieting girls with it.
23. Not allowed to bring in junk food and not share it.
24. Not allowed to refuse my desk, purse, back pack or any possession of mine to not get raided if it contains food.
25. Not allowed to call your receiver a mooch for always jacking all your food.
26. Not allowed to call you boss nosey for digging through your drawers and possessions for food.
27. Not allowed to laugh then others call him a lard ass.
28. Not allowed to keep your desk as messy as your bosses and refuse to clean it until he does his.
29. Not allowed to steel gum and food from the buyer.
30. Not allowed to laugh when the buyer screws up again
31. Not allowed to laugh at boss over his reaction to the buyer.
32. Not allowed to starts saying “Happy thoughts” repeatedly until your boss calms down.
33. Not allowed to laugh at boss when he says he is happy.
34. When free things come through not allowed to fight to keep the one shirt you picked with the chick who already has 15… you will get scratched.
35. Not allowed to pick on the R&D VP. He will start pulling you dead beat dad into the mix and get the whole office laughing so hard no one works.
36. When asking for R&D VP for passes to a local lake not allowed to admit you pops wife keeps his nuts in her purse and thats why he won’t cough them up.
37. Not allowed to sing with headphones in.
38. Not allowed to sing without headphones in.
39. Not allowed to sing, hum or make any attempt at anything remotely musical ever again.
40. Not allowed to drink the 190 proof ethanol used in the factory.
41. Not allowed to raid the Lab for sample and projects you can eat.
42. You are allowed to raid the empty office full you energy drinks
43. Not allowed to show friends we make an energy drink made specifically for “young latinos” as the label says.
44. Not allowed to grow plants at your desk
45. Not allowed to get you boss’ advice on how to grow illegal plants the best way.
46. Not allowed to have any animals at work including desk top fish.
47. Not allowed to buy roses and dry them under the desk.
48. Not allowed to use dried flowers as a memorial to said fish.
49. When buyer gets laid off, must not take better equipment and supplies from his desk.
50. Well at least do it quietly so no one else does it.
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April 5th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Meh. Might have been better had the English not been so fractured.
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Stickfodder reply on April 5th, 2009 11:22 pm:
Hay fractured English is fun to read and figure out what they’re trying to say.
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Sweet Sister Morphine reply on April 6th, 2009 2:26 am:
The hay is Ma Chi.
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Speed reply on April 6th, 2009 5:37 am:
Could be multi-lingual like me: I speak English and very bad English [worser?]. Fracshured Inglish is oakay 2 reed.
Alex reply on April 6th, 2009 6:43 am:
huked on foniks werrked for mee
Former Spc. 19K reply on April 6th, 2009 10:09 am:
ok, I’m not only not alone, I’m not the only person who had this as a first thought.
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April 6th, 2009 at 7:28 am
As an American of Scottish extraction I am appalled that eating oatmeal would bother anyone. (See Swift, I think.)
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Minty reply on April 6th, 2009 9:02 am:
As an American of mixed Northwestern European heritage, I, too, am appalled that eating oatmeal is bothersome. What’s so bad about oatmeal?!
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April 6th, 2009 at 9:10 am
As a Scot transplanted to Canada I tell you all you don’t eat it right anyway. :)
I dunno – some of those just seemed kinda .. unflair. How’s that for piss poor English? ;)
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Minty reply on April 6th, 2009 9:41 am:
Yeah, it sounds like Kereneiko is under the heel of a Tyrannical Office Despot.
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CCO reply on April 6th, 2009 12:43 pm:
The trick is to cook it with milk; cooked with water it’s pretty bland; not that I’ve had any in a little while.
What’s the better method, Shadowdreamer?
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CCO reply on April 6th, 2009 12:45 pm:
Besides mixing it 4 cups of oatmeal and 4 cups of peanut butter, some cocoa power, lots of sugar and some milk in order to make no bake oatmeal cookies.
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Shadowydreamer reply on April 6th, 2009 1:46 pm:
Oh – well, BETTER oatmeal in my opinion involves a microwave and fruit.. but PROPER oatmeal is oats, water and salt on a stovetop. It tastes about as good as it sounds, too. :)
1 cup oats, 1 cup milk, 1 cup water, add berries, nuke for 1 min 30, eat yummy.
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CCO reply on April 6th, 2009 1:55 pm:
Oh, yeah, one of my girls loves it with applesauce; not bad at all.
Weatherbabe reply on April 9th, 2009 6:30 pm:
My boss eats his with a lot of maple syrup
CCO reply on April 6th, 2009 1:53 pm:
Oops, Shadowydreamer.
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April 6th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Sooo… you can’t bring in “gross” food, and they’ll eat all your junk food? This is an affront to the dignity of Man. Bring in Japanese junk food. A little squid jerky goes a long way.
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CCO reply on April 6th, 2009 1:26 pm:
Or pork brains and eggs. Or chittlins (if you can stand the smell).
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Raven Prometheus reply on April 6th, 2009 3:28 pm:
I lived in the Philippines for two years, and actually developed a taste for balut (duck embryos)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Balut_(egg) I like it, but I don’t think they’d want any….
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Raven Prometheus reply on April 6th, 2009 3:29 pm:
Try this link for balut.
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Raven Prometheus reply on April 6th, 2009 3:31 pm:
Nope, this one.
Jon reply on April 10th, 2009 11:05 am:
My favorite has always been pickled herring. My boss certainly won’t touch it, and I am pretty sure my co-worker won’t either. I do have to worry about my boss’s boss, however, since he is Belgian.
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April 6th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Blech! Let’s go back to oatmeal!
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April 7th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Ohh, or shrimp chips. Very tasty, smell like overly dead fish. At least opening the bag it did. Putting them in a bowl and letting them ‘air out’ was a lot better.
Also, stuff with hot sauces. Anything above 7,000 Scoville units will probably keep anybody except other hot sauce addicts from touching the stuff, since Tabasco maxes out at around 5,000. I’d personally recommend the hotter Melinda’s Or Marie Sharpe’s stuff.
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