Writers Block Contest
Today’s post is due to a convergence of two facts.
1) I haven’t felt particularly inspired to write for a while. Normally when that happens I pick a list item, and write the story about how it came about.
2) I still have a bunch of the Squid Pie stuff sitting around.
And so I had a contest idea.
Name whichever list item you want me to write about next. If you are the first person who suggests the one that I pick, you get either a free t-shirt or mug. And anyone who is the first to pick whichever item turns out to be most popular with the other readers will also get a free t-shirt or mug.
Various cover-my-ass type legalish claims:
Winner only gets their prize shipped for free to an address in the continental US. Everyone else has to pay the difference. Sorry, I’m poor right now. I am the sole arbitrator of all claims disputes. And posting the entire list doesn’t count. I’m on to your tricks.
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February 25th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
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February 25th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
I would really like to hear some of the candences that warranted:
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
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Andrew reply on February 26th, 2009 4:00 am:
this one and one other (which i won’t mention till someone else does) has my vote for most popular ;)
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February 26th, 2009 at 3:58 am
have we heard about 14 ?
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
theres gotta be something more to that..
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February 26th, 2009 at 4:18 am
I’d like to hear the story about 116. Crucifying mice – Bad idea.
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February 26th, 2009 at 4:21 am
Curiosity compels me to ask why you did “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of your car, and whether it was clan tartan. However I expect it’s one of those stories which is funnier with the details left out. :-|
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February 26th, 2009 at 4:43 am
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
I’ve had so many twisted things run though my head, I just have to know what else this overheard conversation involved.
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February 26th, 2009 at 5:11 am
“137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.”
I sense an interesting story behind that. Even if it was the commander doing it. Actually, that could make it an even better story…
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bindoverbindo reply on March 2nd, 2009 12:26 pm:
I agree with that. I vote for 137
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February 26th, 2009 at 5:17 am
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
this can coincide with 80. Not allowed to wear a dress to a military function.
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February 26th, 2009 at 5:54 am
I’ve gotta ask for
66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.
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February 26th, 2009 at 5:59 am
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”
(I know, that’s technically three, but they seem to be related.)
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February 26th, 2009 at 6:24 am
116. Crucifying mice – bad idea.
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February 26th, 2009 at 6:36 am
err… i meant to say number 151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”
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February 26th, 2009 at 6:37 am
i think he already explained 167-169, and 116. i think i read it on this site. not sure, but i know the backstory to them.
captcha – 10:30 banking
cause we all know banks close at 11am
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February 26th, 2009 at 6:40 am
45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy’s little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.
I *really* want to hear about this one!
Captcha: thing blouse – whatever shirt I pick out on Monday morning as I’m stumbling around like the living dead trying to get ready for work.
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SPC Hyle reply on February 26th, 2009 9:35 pm:
Sounds like a safety briefing to me. As is 122.
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February 26th, 2009 at 6:48 am
122: radioactive material should not be stored int he barracks.
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February 26th, 2009 at 7:20 am
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
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February 26th, 2009 at 7:47 am
ive always been curious about this one..
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
also for this one..
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.
a couple of our fisters decided they would like to start purchasing people’s souls, so, they put up some posters offering to pay cash for people’s souls, and when people would go to them they would decide how innocent they felt a person was and the more innocent the more they would offer (they offered one poor new 17 year old joe just out of basic upwards of 500.00 cash.) and after a deal was struck, they would pull out some parchment…yeah…real parchment…pull out a “quill” and poke open a vein to write up the contract forcing the person that was “selling” their soul to open up and vein and sign in blood.
very very odd people. yeah. i know skippy my writing style sucks. thats why im in the infantry :P
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February 26th, 2009 at 7:50 am
also..i would like to hear about this/these one(s) as you didnt specify we only had to pick 1 =oP
1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.
11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”
27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
28. Don’t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker”)
36. Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over).
37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.
38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy’s little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.
54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.
55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.
56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.
69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
76. “Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around” is *not* a cadence.
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”
78. I may not call block my chain of command.
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82. May not form any press gangs.
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”
84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.
85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.
89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.
90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.
93. Nerve gas is not funny.
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not “Airborne leads the wa- oh…sorry sir”.
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song “Hot Stuff”.
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
116. Crucifying mice – bad idea.
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.
128. “Shpadoinkle” is not a real word.
129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.
130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!” while out on a mission is bad.
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
138. Even if my commander did it.
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make “MRE” bombs.
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.
142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.
143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window.
144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
148. Putting red “Mike and Ike’s” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”.
154. Shouldn’t treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
158. The revolution is not now.
159. When detained by MP’s, I do not have a right to a strip search.
160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
163. Take that hat off.
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
165. I do not get “that time of month”.
166. No, the pants are not optional.
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”
170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General’s helicopter.
172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it’s actually DOD policy).
175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.
178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man’s body”.
179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.
180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.
185. My name is not a killing word.
186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
190. Must not make s’mores while on guard duty.
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think”.
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
194. Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
195. Shouldn’t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.
198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Briefing” are never to be combined.
203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an “Easter Desecration.”
205. Don’t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. (”Broken clutch pedal”, “Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs”, “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged”)
206. Not allowed to get shot.
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are “hearing conversations” from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism…this was the same dinner.)
210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing “Eat Pork or Die” in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
211. Don’t ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
213. Do not convince NCO’s that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
captcha
contagious me
that sounds like my last date =o/
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Thomas "Soulex" reply on February 26th, 2009 7:59 am:
i see what you did thar.
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Stickfodder reply on February 26th, 2009 8:50 am:
I’m pretty sure that this doesn’t count.
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Blue reply on February 26th, 2009 9:41 am:
Come on, at least take out the ones we’ve already heard the story for.
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Kemperfish reply on February 26th, 2009 11:54 am:
FFI- legit Army TLA for Article 15s and smoke sessions
Failure to Follow Instructions
You Lose
If you were in service you would be doing push ups until you had worn a body shaped hole in the asphalt
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skippy reply on February 26th, 2009 12:45 pm:
Go and read the post again.
Especially the last line.
Disqualified.
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Sequoia reply on February 26th, 2009 1:00 pm:
The Great And Powerful Skippy has spoken.
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Twan reply on February 26th, 2009 7:05 pm:
You ass-kisser.
Though I’m sure it’s a beautiful patush.
Sequoia reply on March 9th, 2009 5:24 pm:
Want to rethink that Twan? I do know where you live after all.
Besides, the opening was too good to resist.
February 26th, 2009 at 8:34 am
I really, really want to know what led to #109: “I am not authorised to change national policy in Eastern Europe”.
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February 26th, 2009 at 8:47 am
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
I’ve got to know.
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Lit reply on February 26th, 2009 4:07 pm:
I second this one
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February 26th, 2009 at 8:51 am
How about 49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.
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February 26th, 2009 at 8:52 am
84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.
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February 26th, 2009 at 9:19 am
35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker”)
or
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
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Al Li reply on February 26th, 2009 10:49 am:
I think the explanation of 87 would be most of the list. I’d bet most of that stuff made him giggle for at least 15 seconds thinking about it.
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Weatherbabe reply on April 5th, 2009 1:34 pm:
Ditto! I have people here at work looking at me funny(well more so then usual).
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February 26th, 2009 at 9:21 am
i think some of those are kinda obvious….. there cant be much of a story behind “Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things” other than he was squishing things with a military vehicle.
tho ofc i cud be wrong
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Lit reply on February 26th, 2009 4:10 pm:
But I for one wonder what things in particular were “squish”ed. I meant, I’ve used a 10K forklift to crush old wall lockers so we could resell the for scrap metal. But somehow I don’t think our esteemed Skippy choose to cruse something so…mundane.
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Former Spc. 19K reply on February 27th, 2009 12:22 pm:
I was a Tanker, if this rule applied to me, I’d have needed another MOS.
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February 26th, 2009 at 9:37 am
198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.
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bindoverbindo reply on March 2nd, 2009 12:28 pm:
Seconded!
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Stickfodder reply on March 2nd, 2009 2:57 pm:
Yeah I’m going to have to third that one.
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February 26th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Ok, I’m really torn between, #8, the war criminal ones (thank god for photo shop or my life would be vey dull here) and #27, don’t tell the Limeys any Princess Di jokes. As I work around a TON of Brits day in, day out I would like to hear about that one. Not only that, but how did you – someone – get away with that. Most of the guys (some former and current paras, RM’s, etcetera) look like they were recruited right out of a penal prison. I mean that as a compliment cause I wouldn’t wanna F with them.
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February 26th, 2009 at 10:54 am
I want to know about numbers 67 (namely why not?), 91, 92, 131 (in conjunction with 113), 128, 151 (though I have my suspicions about that), 185, 202, 203, and 204.
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February 26th, 2009 at 11:25 am
I’d say:
153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”.
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February 26th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
I’d like to hear about 154, myself. “Shouldn’t treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.” has to have some kind of story behind it. *snicker*
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Schwal reply on February 26th, 2009 12:21 pm:
Let me tell you that effing hurts. i strained my thigh one time, applied icy hot, and a tiny bit managed to get on “the boys”. the burning didn’t stop for an hour.
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February 26th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”
Please. Just, Please.
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Thrice I loose reply on February 27th, 2009 12:42 am:
I told this Air Force E-8 about this site 8 months back and told him about this one. I shit you not, he tried it with the Marine security detachment at an ECP. All he got were a few stunned faces for a couple of seconds follwed by intense laughter as he and the rest drove off.
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Weatherbabe reply on April 5th, 2009 1:44 pm:
I am very tempted to do that at the front gate since we have civilian security instead of AF MP’s at the gate.
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February 26th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
Specifically, the part about the Russian armored vehicles.
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February 26th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same
129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.
all sound like interesting stories.
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February 26th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
So when do we find out who won?
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skippy reply on February 26th, 2009 7:42 pm:
Probably next week, unless I am distracted by something shiny.
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Bane reply on February 27th, 2009 8:46 am:
Haha, next year if its shiny and pointy.
Captcha: $15,000 Wealth – Skippy’s bonus prize?
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Former Spc. 19K reply on February 27th, 2009 12:23 pm:
shiny AND pointy is fairly important.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.
33 and 34 would be great.
36, 42, 45, 51, 58, 69, 76, 94 (but will they work on band directors?), and 104.
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February 26th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.
It would personally make my day if you also had examples of these…
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February 26th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Two items came to mind:
#43 Camoflage body paint is not a uniform.
It’s about time some of these Skippyites (is that a real word?) sent in pictures of their wives/mistresses/girlfriends (preferably the hot looking ones) wearing camoflage body paint. Bonus points for the non-use of clothing. Extra bonus points for the use of squid. Winners to be decided by the almighty Skippy, prizes to be determined by Skippy. Runner-up entries get a free can of shpadoinkle lubricant.
Also:
#152 The following items do not exist…..
except that they’re great for driving recruits and officers crazy trying to find them. We need all Skippyites (there’s that word again!) to send in their suggestions. Here’s a few.
tent jacks, revillie oil, Humvee clutch pedals, parachute sewing kits, Army issue pornography, the indoor mortar range, grenade coolers, M-2 machinegun bayonets, underwear solvent (you get the idea).
Oh, by the way:
#101 Not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew served weapon.
Anyone have pictures of a bayonet mounted on an M-2 machinegun? A 120 mm tank main gun? A TOW missile launcher? Start using your imagination!
Just don’t get caught.
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February 26th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
I definatly knew a guy who made a bayonet for a Lepord 2 tank…it was steel, six feet long and looked totally badass ripping around the training area!
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Grayson reply on February 27th, 2009 2:05 am:
And when, exactly, may we see the pictures of said badass Leopard WITH bayonet?
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Pvt. Walker reply on February 27th, 2009 9:15 am:
as soon as I find the pictures again!
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February 26th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
#22. Must never call an SAS a Wanker.
I don’t know if you’ve told it or not, but I’d like to know.
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Schwal reply on February 26th, 2009 6:59 pm:
http://skippyslist.com/2007/12/20/the-sas-story/
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February 26th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
I’ve always wanted to hear about this one.
By the way, do the Giant Space Ants know the Alien Space Bats?
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February 26th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
this sounds quite interesting, not to mention something i *may* just do, if only to weird out the guys at my station
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Thomas "Soulex" reply on February 26th, 2009 10:13 pm:
i concur. this might be the winner yet.
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February 26th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
“i think some of those are kinda obvious….. there cant be much of a story behind “Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things” other than he was squishing things with a military vehicle.”
meh, i’m constantly doing this at work, one of the advantages of being a dozer operator is you can pretty much damn well squish anything you can out run
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February 26th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Don’t know the number, but the one about any device that can crawl across the table set on medium does not need to be brought to the meeting.
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February 27th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Please don’t do it, Skippy. Please don’t.
The magic of THE LIST lies in the ludicrous mental images conjured up by your pithy brevity.
I’m with JP. If you give details, then things will just devolve into a mouth breathing ego contest along the lines of: Yeah, well that’s not as cool as the time I ran over about a hundred empty five gallon oil carboys and it sounded like God himself popping God sized bubble wrap.
The reality just can’t live up to the imagination. Well, OK, in your case maybe it can.
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Kemperfish reply on February 27th, 2009 11:37 am:
with a tractor. I ran over the carboys with a tractor. sorry.
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February 27th, 2009 at 11:39 am
I’ve always been curious about “Take that hat off.”
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paula reply on February 27th, 2009 1:56 pm:
I’ve always pictured something with , say, a nice fluffy fake bird’s nest, a couple eggs and a bird or two. Maybe two or three feet wide….. Oh, and lots of ribbon, too…..
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February 27th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are “hearing conversations” from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
hee hee, the sadistic, evil, mean guy hidden directly beneath the surface of the former tanker has to know. just because I think it’s likely to be freakin’ funny as hell.
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February 27th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
I belive that number 18 the barbie dance that may no longer be perforemed needs to be explained by a video clip demonstrating it’s wonderfulness!!!!!
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February 28th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
I’m very interested to hear just what exactly you did with those six boxes of fruit snacks.
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Stickfodder reply on February 28th, 2009 5:03 pm:
Didn’t he make a Fruit Roll-Ups® kilt?
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Bryan reply on February 28th, 2009 5:06 pm:
I would have to see pictures. Pics or it didn’t happen.
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