Archive for December, 2008

It’s Monday. Which as you all know means it’s time for yet another list of things that you should probably not do. This time it’s for ER admittance.

(Submitted by Ekatseyanis)

1. Security is not my bitch
2. Nor is housekeeping
3. Or the valets
4. Not allowed to hit patients
5. Even if they hit me first
6. Not allowed to yell at patients
7. Even if they are being belligerent
8. Not allowed to make fun of patients
9. He is not “Messily Drunk” he is “Intoxicated”
10. He is not “Crazy” he is a “Psych Patient”
11. I cannot take holiday pay for every full moon I work
12. I am not a doctor
13. Advising a patient that the wait is two hours is ok; telling them to go home and take some Motrin is not
14. The fish in the fish tank don’t like Tootsie Rolls
15. I cannot suggest to patients that losing 100 pounds might be beneficial to their health
16. We are obligated to provide care to anyone who comes in, even if it’s dental pain
17. Medicaid patients are not freeloaders and I should stop insinuating that they are
18. The Sabbats are not federal holidays
19. Not allowed to argue with Catholics
20. Even if they started it
21. Not allowed to bet on patient’s diagnoses before they see the doctor
22. Not allowed to refer to patients as “Frequent Fliers” even if they are here every week
23. Not allowed to scare patients with all the things that MIGHT be wrong with them
24. Not allowed to tell patients about all the cool injuries I’ve seen
25. Not allowed to scare new employees with stories about all the cool injuries I’ve seen
26. In fact if the story starts with “I saw the coolest/grosses thing…” I should probably keep it to myself
27. The box of free stuff in the back office is for patients with grievances, not for me
28. Not allowed to puke in front of patients
29. Even if I am pregnant
30. Even if I’m pregnant and they smell like ass
31. Not allowed to ask a patient to see their injury
32. Even if a patients is jabbering away at me in Somali, I still have to smile and try to understand them, I cannot cut them off and ask them if they brought a friend who speaks English
33. I should warn visitors that the automatic doors swing out, not laugh when I hit the button and they get smacked in the face
34. Radiology techs don’t glow in the dark and I shouldn’t test that
35. “I don’t know” is not a proper response to any question posed by a patient
36. Or a staff member
37. In fact, I am assumed to be the receptacle of all knowledge relating to the hospital
38. When administration asks how I am this morning, they don’t actually want to know so I am always “Fine”
39. Not allowed to take bets on how many different drugs will be found in a patient’s system
40. Cracking jokes about “The crazy in room 4” is generally frowned up, especially if said crazy’s family happens to be within ear-shot

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You know how some kids have imaginary friends? They are their best friends in the world who they communicate with, and are almost real for them.

My 7 year-old daughter, who you may or may not remember told off a hot woman who was hitting on me, does not have imaginary friends.

She has an imaginary corporation, with imaginary stock holders, an imaginary board of directors, of which she is the CEO, and a janitorial staff, who is contracted through a temp agency of course.

I found out about her corporate undertakings when walking past her room last weekend and overheard her yelling at her assistant over an old bluetooth earpiece. She finished her imaginary conversation with, “if this merger fails to go through, so help me God, I will fire you and have the daycare center withhold your children from you.” I’m not sure what impresses me more, her ruthlessness or that her imaginary corporate offices has an imaginary daycare center.

I asked her about her company and she read me her mission statement (She didn’t know what the hell a mission statement was, but she had one). She then went on to explain to me about the ethical dilemma that she was having with her IT guy, Bill, because he’s an alcoholic, with whom she’s smelled booze on his breath on more than one occasion, but he works for peanuts and is very competent. She said that she was okay with overlooking it, but lately he’s been hitting on her up-and-coming protege, Emily, and Emily isn’t very receptive to this sort of treatment.

My sweet daughter went on to tell me that she has taken to hiring a former Superbowl player, whose name she cannot release at this time due to contractual obligations, to do motivational speaking for her company.

She doesn’t watch adult TV shows, she has limited use of the internet, and I have no idea where the heck she comes up with this stuff, except that I was the same damn way when I was 7, and I’ve only been a two weekend a month, every other holiday and 60% of the summertime dad, when not deployed. Her mother has no clue either, and her dumbass couldn’t cultivate this in our daughter, so this is, in addition to being pretty funny, wierd as hell.

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With Yule right around the corner I finally got out my Yule tree and decorations. You may notice that I use the term Yule instead of Christmas, but that is another story. This one however involves certain things I rediscovered while unpacking my artificial Yule tree. Those things include:

1. A specific strand of holiday lights
2. My previous Yule tree
3. Several Yule presents which were never given
4. A train set
5. A large red cylinder with a black hose attached to it

The story goes something like this:

Did you know you should always use a certified electrician when running a new power outlet? Here is why:

• Twas the week before Yule, and all through the house
• Everything was quiet, even my pet mouse
• The wife was out shopping, with my sister-in-law
• Then the silence was broken by a reciprocating saw
• I was cutting a hole, in the living room wall
• I was laughing and singing, simply having a ball.
• See there were no outlets, in the place I had cut
• To plug in the lights for the Yule tree I had cut
• I was running new wires, from breaker to hole
• To brighten my wife’s Yule, and lift her soul.
• I connected the wires, plugged in the tree
• Plugged in the train, ho ho he he
• I threw the breaker, then began to choke
• For while hearing pops, I smelled smoke
• I ran to the room and began to perspire
• My Tree, My Train and presents on fire!
• Did you know that house power, comes in three types
• I had connected too much, two twenty volts to be precise
• The lights had all burst, igniting my tree
• The fire then consumed my presents you see
• The train itself had burst into flame
• Too much power, the cause the same
• So if you are thinking, you know what to do
• When lacking an outlet for holidays too
• Then listen to me, I’ll say it again
• Always, Always, hire and electrician!

Now for further clarification:

1. The holiday lights were un-fused and every bulb had burst, as well as electrically welded to their sockets.
2. The “Yule Tree” was little more than a charred lump of wood that I had kept to remind me not to play with electricity.
3. The presents were of course the remains of the ones I had put under the tree
4. The train set was little more than a lump of molten plastic and twisted metal
5. The red cylinder was of course a fire extinguisher

The good news is the house didn’t burn down. The bad: my wife didn’t get her PlayStation 3 or the new coat I had bought her.

I hope you all enjoy this!

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I’m not going to pretend that I have even partial justification for my actions.

But it’s amazing what you can get away with when you have a sock puppet.

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I will not try to take over the whole world.  That is just greedy, not to mention impractical.  I mean, have you ever tried to run a church group or a PTA meeting?  Well neither have I, because it looks like more work than I want to do.  Imagine how much more work trying to manage the affairs of an entire planet would be.

I will take over a modest-sized third world nation.  Most people living in developed countries won’t be able to find me on a map, let alone make any serious attempt to thwart me.

I will not pick a country with significant oil reserves.  This way no developed countries will see the need for any sort of military intervention for humanitarian reasons.

Nutrition is very important, and after all, you are what you eat.  Which is why I will eat nothing but clones of myself.  I’ll probably make a batch of them fight to the death first, and then eat the winner, making sure I only get the strongest one.  I will eat them toasted to seal in the awesome.

I will construct and wear a set of power armor that is covered by a layer of ablative orphans, thus preventing any heroes from trying to kill me.

I will not execute any minions for failing me.  Execution has been vastly overrated as an educational tool by villains throughout history.  Execution isn’t a punishment.  Execution is what happens when you are finished punishing someone.  I might make incorporate that last line into the badge of my secret police force.

I will have a giant harem made up of the most beautiful women from around the world.  No clever idea behind this one, I just figure if I’m going to be a super villain I might as well get a harem out of it.

Every super villain needs an albino cat to stroke while gloating over prisoners.  But I have noticed that the heroes frequently escape during the gloating and make an attempt at thwarting.  So my albino cat will be rigged with a tiny dynamite vest so I can fling at any inconvenient heroes as my last line of defense.  Because I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t see that one coming.

I’ll make up a fake weakness to a common non-toxic substance, and allow rumors of it to spread.  I’ll say things like, “If Captain Freedom learns that I can be melted using only silly putty, my reign of terror will surely  come to an end!”  And then when Captain Freedom shows up with some silly putty I’ll be all like, “You dipshit!  No one has a weakness to silly putty.  NOW EAT EXPLODING CAT!”

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It’s time again for the Monday morning update.  So just pretend that I wrote something clever as a lead-in and enjoy the humongous list courtesy of Tony.

101 Things You Should Not Do in High School

(Submitted by Tony)

1)    “Completion” is not the same thing as “effort”.
2)    I should not ask teachers to tell stories about how they accidentally told a student to sleep with them.
3)    I cannot call my English teacher by his first name.
4)    I cannot call my English teacher “Captain Canada”.
5)    Flipping off a security guard behind his back only works when there aren’t any standing behind you.
6)    I am not allowed to start any slow claps.
7)    I am not allowed to stop any slow claps by shouting Communistic slogans.
8)    An “oral examination” is no longer funny, so I should stop snickering at it.
9)    When asked to copy a file to the hand in folder, I should not copy any file I want.
10)    Writing “Magic = answer” is not an acceptable form of showing your work.
11)    The song “Fuck the Police” is not required when discussing the American system of law enforcement.
12)    The song “Fuck the Police” should not be sung when the friendly cop comes in to talk to us about drugs.
13)    I should not ask cops if they remember me when they come in to talk to us about drugs.
14)    Jokes about epilepsy are only funny when the kid who sits next to you has a boyfriend who doesn’t have epilepsy.
15)    I should not refer to the security guards as “Die ScheissPolizei” whilst in German class.
16)    No, as a matter of fact, you don’t have any rights as a student. Now open your locker so we can search it.
17)    Stop fainting in class.
18)    My Chemistry professor is “Mrs. Daugherity,” so I should not call her “Teach”.
19)    Calling my teacher a “pussy” when he refuses a dare is not OK.
20)    Even if the dare was really easy and only a little illegal.
21)    I will not call out WASPs during class.
22)    When a teacher asks if we have any questions, I should ask questions related to the material, not: “Is there a God?”
23)    I may not worship the girl who sits in the adjacent table as a deity.
24)    After my teacher tells us the story of how he hit himself in the face with a fire extinguisher, I should not call him a “dumbass”.
25)    After my teacher tells us the story of how he hung up his dog’s favorite toy on the ceiling fan, I should not call him a “douche bag”.
26)    I am not allowed to reference Lost anymore when writing programs.
27)    “Best 2 out of 3” does not apply to essays.
28)    When my teacher asks if I read the book over the weekend, I should not respond with raucous laughter.
29)    “I can has pass?” is not how you request a trip to the bathroom.
30)    Holding hands with a teacher when crossing the street for safety’s sake was my idea, so I should stop screaming when he calls my bluff.
31)    I should not write “Vive el Che!” on everything I hand in to my severely anti-communistic programming teacher.
32)    I cannot nickname my computer “Stupid bitch”.
33)    I cannot suggest that referring to computers only by their numbers is reminiscent of WWII concentration camps.
34)    When asked what I want to get out of a class, I should not say I want to learn how to dismantle an atomic bomb.
35)    When my teacher comes around to check for homework, she is severely discouraged when I say “Haha don’t bother.”
36)    When asked what I want to get out of a class, I should not say “Banana monkey coconut” in a high pitched voice until my teacher can’t make eye contact anymore.
37)    There is no re-re-re-re test.
38)    I should not expect teachers to receive work when it is slipped under a locked door.
39)    Anything with my own blood on it is going to lose points in the future.
40)    When my teacher tells us to do it on poster board, he means he doesn’t want it handed in on wrapping paper.
41)    I should not keep a running tally of the number of times my teacher says “okay” in one lecture, and then read the results at the end of class, no matter how annoying she sounds.
42)    “Happy 4-20!” is not something I should say into the PA at a pep rally.
43)    My paper would score higher without all the racist humor.
44)    There is only one Messiah, and I am not allowed to suggest that he is the lead singer from Rage Against the Machine.
45)    I cannot call Sam Cooke a “badass” just because he was shot.
46)    I may not pretend to be eating an invisible hoagie when the security guards check to see if we are eating when we’re not supposed to be.
47)    I should not quote 300 in my essays.
48)    I should not sing that part from the song Killing in the Name that goes “fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” forty-one times in a row when our teacher gives us instructions.
49)    I should not refer to groups as “nap circles”.
50)    I should not refer to classroom debates as “angry sing-alongs”.
51)    I should not say that the AP test was “the most expensive nap I ever took.”
52)    I should not teach my English teacher any gang handshakes.
53)    I should not suggest that my German teacher is older than God.
54)    I should not sing “Fight For Your Right (To Party)” every Friday whilst in class.
55)    When I make eye contact with a teacher, I should not mime the act of murder and narrow my eyes.
56)    I should not interrupt class by saying “Look, the groundhogs are back!” whenever the cute little guys come out.
57)    I should not threaten the students who chase the groundhogs.
58)    My teacher cannot tell me why the revolution was not televised.
59)    I should not name everything “Timmy the [adjective][object]”.
60)    I cannot suggest that the security guards are attempting to steal Christmas.
61)    I cannot suggest that the Asian-American Club is “up to something”.
62)    I cannot accuse the Chinese Honors Society of racism when they do not let me in.
63)    I cannot have a debate with another teacher about death metal when my teacher is giving a lesson.
64)    Repeating a five-minute presentation does not mean I gave a 10-minute presentation.
65)    I should not call the other redheads in my class “soulless gingers”.
66)    I should not use the word “freshman” as an insult.
67)    Freshmen are not “untouchables”.
68)    During any hearing and sight test, I should not attempt to dig out my own brain with Q-tips.
69)    There is no monster living in the Bunsen Burner.
70)    During an oral presentation, I should not break into song.
71)    It is never appropriate to attempt to tap dance like the penguins from “Happy Feet”.
72)    I am not my teacher’s legitimate father.
73)    I should not say that Odysseus was “a few soldiers short of a trireme” and expect my dumbass classmates to understand it.
74)    I should not call my classmates dumbasses when they don’t get my joke about triremes.
75)    I should not call a Poetry Club meeting a “Sadness-a-thon”, especially when I attend it.
76)    I should not call Equestrian Club “My Little Pony Club”.
77)    During school photographs, I should not ask for an action shot.
78)    I may not use my Student ID as a badge for the fictional “Student Law Enforcement Society”, and I must now apologize to the freshmen I arrested.
79)    When giving an oral presentation on The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, my classmates do not need to know what I think about Hannah Montana.
80)    I should not use the Promethean board (Like a chalkboard that displays everything on the computer screen) to show that thing on YouTube where Barack Obama rickrolls.
81)    The quote does not go: “Those who can, do. Those who teach, suck”.
82)    When confronted by security guards, I should not go into “Crane pose”.
83)    Standing very still does not stop teachers from seeing you when you are late to class.
84)    I should not suggest that my Romanian math teacher will turn into bats and fly out the window.
85)    I should not end any presentation with advice if that advice is: “Bro’s before ho’s”.
86)    When you insult your teacher in another language, the advantage is lost if he speaks it.
87)    I cannot tell teachers to “Meet me by the flagpole after school”.
88)    I should not get into a freestyle rap battle while I am supposed to be working.
89)    On a multiple choice test, there is no “shotgun” answer. (filling in more than one bubble in case you were wrong)
90)    Shouting matches should not be held in front of police officers when massive amounts of obscenities are to be used.
91)    I should not attempt to leave class every hundred and eight minutes to save the world. (Lost reference)
92)    Should not mime shooting my teacher and claim that it is the only way to save him.
93)    When taking a test, there are no “lifelines”.
94)    Copying is not “comparing the answers he’s already written to the answers I’m about to write”.
95)    Pretending to be going out of town the day a presentation is due and then skipping school…..works!
96)    “Doctor Strangelove” is not a real doctor, so a doctor’s note from him won’t count.
97)    Should not copy-paste lyrics to songs into the middle of any essay.
98)    When my teacher says that boys and girls are the same, I should not ask him if he took a class on anatomy when he was in school.
99)    Nor should I attempt to explain the vagina to him.
100)    When filling in the section of the late note that says “Reason for lateness:”, I should not write “totally hammered”.
101)    When writing an essay for Civics, I should not reference “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington” more than seven thousand times.

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Because I am a capitalist whore I love all of my readers so much that I want to offer you the finest of print-on demand t-shirts for your holiday needs.

So I have put up a store selling t-shirts and other stuff printed with items from the original Skippy’s List. If you go to the store and look to the right under Product Lines, you’ll see them organized by rule number from the list.

Not everything is up there at present, but more list items will go up as people request things.  So if there is something that you would like to see on a t-shirt (or one of the many items they have available for branding) feel free to send it in.

I still have a supply of Squid Pie t-shirts and mugs, in case anyone is interested in those.  Please get them out of my house.

And 10% of everything sold is still going to Fun For Our Troops.  So if you like supporting our soldiers, buy a t-shirt.  Or I suppose you could donate directly.

But it’s more efficient to do it indirectly through my store.  For some reason that is too complicated to explain here.  But it involves math and stuff.

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On the morning of December 7, impotent 1941 the Japanese navy launched an attack on the United States at Pearl Harbor hoping to cripple the mighty US Navy. Later, when the Emperor addressed his people he went to great lengths to emphasize the industrial might of the United States. He even mentioned a little city, Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, stating that if the Japanese industry could not out produce this steel town, then Japan could not hope to win the war.

Elsewhere in the country, the motor city was beginning to emerge as General Motors and Ford Motor Company became industry leaders. Around the country the ship yards were booming, a little tool company called Mesta Machine Works was supplying machine tools to the growing manufacturing industry, glass was king in a little towns like Jeannette, and the country was clothed by textiles made in America. As the country shifted to a war time economy, this industrial might of the United States was put to work to provide the materials needed by the country to fight this foreign aggression. To the men who fought and died during World War II, this was the country as they knew it.

Today we see a greatly different country. The Big Three Automakers have been reduced to mere remnant of what they once were. The Steel industry of Pittsburgh is all but gone, with only a few of the once mighty steel mills still standing. Textiles have all but disappeared from the United States; try to find a winter jacket made in America today. Most electronics are now made in the Far East. The industrial might of the United States is gone.

In the light of this anniversary of the day that will live in infamy, I would like to pose a question for discussion among the readers of this list. What would someone who died during WWII, perhaps more specifically the Asian theater (Pearl Harbor), think if they came back to life and saw the country as it is now?

As I have tried to point out, when these soldiers went to war, the US was an industrial giant. The US controlled major portions of industry from autos to textiles, from steel to electronics. Taking this industrial might even further, these companies also had factories in other countries, some of which we were soon to be fighting. What would these soldiers who gave the ultimate sacrifice say if they came back to see all of the US industrial might now located in foreign countries? What would they say if they saw their children and grandchildren driving cars made by the very country they died fighting? Would they understand times change? Would they be resentful? What would they say of all the politics and policies that allowed this to happen? Remember a few facts, when Nissan came to the United States, they were so concerned by the similarity of Nissan to Nippon they decided to be known as Dautson in the United States. Also to enter into this country, many times these Japanese companies employed vast numbers of lobbyists and public relations people to influence the politicians and the people of this country. This question could also be posed to those who died in Korea (and by extension of the conflict China) and Vietnam. For these people would also be met by a flood of products from these countries.

I hope the dear readers of the list won’t degenerate into Union bashing, Auto bashing, CEO bashing, or any other special interest bashing. If you readers and writers wish to do this, please put yourself in the shoes of those who had just one day to see the United States many years after their ultimate sacrifice. Please approach it from possible angles such as: Would those people agree that perceived quality means more than national pride of product? Would those people see a disagreement on work force politics or organization as justification to buy a product from those countries who were once mortal enemies?

Lastly, what would they say if they saw so much of our country’s debt in the hands of these same countries? Would they still feel we won any of these wars? Would they resent their sacrifice of life in light of where the country has gone industrially and economically? What would they think of the push to a global economy?

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A friend of mine in the game industry forwarded this gem to me earlier in the week.

Here’s an email somebody at Treyarch just got sent from a guy impersonating an IW employee haha.  It’s the most horribly ill-conceived scheme ever.

This is an actual email someone sent to a game company employee.

Hello treyarch employee i am with a company you know very well can you guess well ill tell you infinity ward. And after asking some other treyarch employees we were shocked to find out that half of you guys do not know what game we are making so here is the poll. Winner will be choosen at random, to quallify you have to get all the next questions right and winner will recieve a special gift yet to be announced.

#1 What is the title of the game?

#2 What is the numeric value of the game (what is the number i.e 1,2,3,4,5,6,7)?

#3 Will there be vehicles in multiplayer?

#4 What time period is it set in?

please reply to this email with answer and forward this email to other employees

Thanks and have a great day from infinity ward maker of call of duty 4.

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As a PFC fresh out of AIT I had a long and easy summer.  In July 1979 I arrived at Ft. Hood, herbal Texas about the time that my unit, asthma the 142nd Signal BN of the 2nd Armored Division went off to train at the National Training Center (NTC).  As part of the rear detachment I would do very little work in the morning and have the afternoon off.  I had a lot of three and four day weekends too.

I had fallen into some bad habits, anesthetist one of which was speaking my mind without actually engaging the brain cells.  The three sergeants that I dealt with on a daily basis the entire summer must have thought that it was okay as no one ever corrected me.  They were all Vietnam vets and would laugh when my mouth would engage without the guidance of my brain cells.

In September this came to a screeching halt when my unit returned back to Hood.

During one of these episodes my section sergeant called me a smart ass.  My mouth engaged of its own volition and said, “That’s better than being a dumb ass.”

I quickly tap danced around and explained to my sergeant that what I really meant was that it could be much worse if I was a dumb ass rather than a smart ass.  He didn’t buy it for even a second.

I did KP every time we went to the field until I PCSed to Turkey 18 months later.  We went to the field every month for at least ten days plus those three months in Germany for the Reforger/Autumn Forge war game.  The Germany trip works out to at least 45 days washing metal trays, pots and pans for our entire battalion, plus a maintenance battalion.

On the good side, I can wash dishes quickly and correctly even today.  My mouth still runs off of its own volition from time to time, but now I just get a counseling statement suitable for framing.  One day I’m gonna put them all in a notebook.

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