Monday Morning Update
Here it is, the now traditional list of things that you should not do. This one is medically themed. And by the way, if any readers happen to have any items for the do not do list, either military or other, by all means send them in.
Things you should not do in a medical office.
(Submitted by Sicarius)
1. When filing charts, don’t exclaim to the rest of the department, “Who wants to play dead patient bingo?”
2. Don’t play dead patient bingo. It violates HIPPA laws.
3. Especially when patients can hear you.
4. Don’t threaten to bring everyone in the office an individual dessert (I love to bake, don’t judge me.) when they all go on Weight Watchers and then start a ‘who can lose the most weight’ competition. (I’m the only male in the office aside from the doctors, and in good shape. I need no contest.)
5. Don’t follow through on that threat.
6. Don’t remove the balls from the mice of people who are at lunch. It makes them late when they try to punch back in.
7. Don’t threaten to poison the water cooler when the people whose mouse balls you stole find your car keys, move your car to the hospital across the street’s parking lot, and then turn your radio up to full blast.
8. Don’t pick up a frog that’s found its way into the office and show it to the people who are afraid of frogs.
9. Don’t complain when people find out you’re afraid of spiders and put a live one in your hair. The horror.
10. During office emergency training, don’t answer with “By way of the evil light shining from Doctor X’s eyes” as an answer to “How do we escort patients places if the power and the backup generator go out?”. For the office manager will have to reprimand me.
11. No matter this particular doctor has made every secretary and half of the receptionists cry because he’s so cruel.
12. Especially when the doctor is at the meeting.
13. Even if the office manager made the same joke a few days before.
14. Don’t answer “Because the entire office is PMSing today” when someone asks why you’re going to the basement if there’s no work to be done down there today.
14. “What the fuck?” is never an appropriate answer to any question.
15. Even if it was in response to a co-worker seriously asking if you were listening to white power music. (It was Nine Inch Nails.)
16. It is not appropriate to draw pictures of penises on your lunch in the office refrigerator instead of writing your name.
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July 28th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
HAHAH oh man. I work in an office of 13, and there is 1 man among us. I can think of many times he probably would LOVE to use #14 up there . . .
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July 28th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Hrm… I work with a lot of hospitals (military and otherwise) and one thing you forgot on your list:
17: Don’t ever, ever, ever run around with a handful of toe tags (especially in the ICU) muttering, “Damn pratical jokesteres moved the bodies again!” as this will cause everyone in the hospital to drop what they are doing and go lookng for non existant bodies. This will also cause me to be reprimanded.
No, I did not do this myself (I’m a network tech, not a doctor) but I was one of the many victims of this cruel joke. Do you know how hard it is to open a door when you are expecting a dead body to be on the other side?
Sadistic Captcha: 5th fewer – The number of bodies left in the morgue.
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July 28th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Generic addendum for 6: In the presence of males, never speak of removing the balls of anything. It makes them jumpy, for some reason.
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July 29th, 2008 at 7:29 am
On #6 it actually took me a minute to realize you were talking about computer accessories and not, well.. mice. Poor lil’ bastards.
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July 29th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Ooh Ooh I want to play dead patient bingo! And if we don’t have enough dead patients I could always kill a few.
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July 29th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Laughing with the other secretary about “That nutjob in C” is inappropriate, even if he is screaming obcenities.
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July 29th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
When the local slut comes in for an appointment, “What are you, preggers?” is not an appropriate comment to make. Inside voice, dammit! (She was)
captcha: pushee approved
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July 31st, 2008 at 5:17 am
Am I the only one who noticed that there are two #14s?
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Sicarius reply on July 31st, 2008 5:29 am:
I may have been tired when I submitted this.
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Snyarhedir reply on March 14th, 2011 12:51 am:
I just noticed it myself. I wondered how long it took others to.
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August 1st, 2008 at 4:17 am
Here is a few “Medical Don’ts”.
1. Don’t ever, ever put Icy-Hot on a hemorrhoid.
2. Don’t ever grab your chest and fall down in the waiting room.
3. Don’t go to the emergency room for a pimple on your ass.
4. Don’t go to sick-call and ask for a prostate check. Especially don’t grin when you ask and don’t do it 5 days straight. It will get you an Article 15.
5. Never ever ask the head nurse for head. You might get lucky and they are usually very ugly.
6. Never, I repeat Never use the clinic intercom system to call out obscene patient names like; Sgt. Dick Gosinya, Airman Peter Inyaho or Capt. Mike Hunt and Lt. Dale Ishus. This may result in another article 15.
7. Don’t fill a urine specimen cup with apple juice and then drink from it when the chief nurse is inspecting the unit. Again article 15.
8. Don’t eat a “Baby Ruth” from a bedpan in the above situation. Especially don’t have it smeared around your mouth. We are now close to that psychiatric discharge time. or the Brig.
9. Don’t go to work at the hospital stoned. The doctors are way to funny. As are the patient.
complaints.
10. Don’t steal an ambulance for a joy ride and screw a nurse while leaving the radio on and engaged. The Hospital Commander monitors the radios.
Captchia: Enrich Myra
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Snyarhedir reply on March 14th, 2011 12:55 am:
When reading the first sentence of number 5, I honestly thought you meant the head as in the body part.
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Snyarhedir reply on March 14th, 2011 12:59 am:
Actually, the play-on-words that is “Dale Ishus” has an ambiguous meaning. The other innuendos are exclusively suggestive and refer to a body part, but Dale Ishus is vague.
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August 1st, 2008 at 4:25 am
Captcha is: Capt. trolley
sorta fits #6 above. At least it wasn’t Paula Train.
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Snyarhedir reply on March 14th, 2011 1:01 am:
What? I cannot make heads or tails of whatever innuendos you mean to communicate with those words (which would be a good thing if not for my sudden curiosity).
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Mike reply on March 14th, 2011 12:47 pm:
Paula Train = Pull a train is that the one? You seem to have gotten the others. Be specific and I’ll try to spell it out for you. Just say them out loud and you should hear the innuendo.
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August 1st, 2008 at 10:20 am
as to #16, be careful one of the “women” may have a secret she wants to get out
captcha: “commander of”
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August 1st, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Hrm… I tried #16 yesterday and one of the women in the section though the image was a “T”.
Captcha: custom dingee – Bad-ass boat or plastic surgery… you be the judge
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August 2nd, 2008 at 6:50 am
#17 when the platoon sgt has an iv in him don’t do the above the heart, below the heart trick
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August 3rd, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Don’t think that letting medical staff “know” about something gives you the right to rubber neck when the crash team turn up.
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September 7th, 2008 at 9:19 am
Out of curiosity, which NIN song was it?
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January 7th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
The proper response to “I’m a f-ing Navy SEAL” is not “I think you’re lost then. The vet clinic’s next door.” It will get you a councelling statement at the very least.
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