With Skippy talking about road trips and such things it brings to mind that there are several places out there with some sort of attention grabbing gimmick. Some are things like dinosaurs in front of gas stations, others are simply the names of the place. Below are a few names I have come across (and their locations when I can remember them) in my travels. All of these places are reputable places of business that are not what their names imply.

1. Skinny Dick’s Halfway Inn (Alaska) (Hotel and Lounge)
2. Grandma’s Shaved Beaver (Washington) (A restaurant specializing in local game animals)
3. St. Louis Steel Erection (Missouri) (Construction company)
4. Hore’s House (British Columbia) (Bed and Breakfast)
5. The Notty Shop (Alaska) (A souvenir shop and Ice Cream/coffee bar)
6. Knockin’ Boots (Oklahoma) (Obviously it’s a custom boot maker)

And then there are of course the message boards. You have probably seen several of them that when taken out of context would be extremely naughty. Probably the most famous one is a church sign with the message “The most powerful position in the world is on your knees.” There are many others and here are just a few that I have seen:

1. On a taxidermists shop: “Father’s Day Special - Wives, bring ‘em in and we’ll skin and stuff ‘em for you!”
2. On a sign shared by a grocery store and lingerie shop: “Special Half Off Sale! Come see our melons!”
3. On a sign in the middle of a desert: “Caution! No Water Ahead!”
4. On a church sign: “Laying on your back and yelling “Oh My God” is not the same as going to Church.”

And finally, as I was driving off a military installation there was a sign that simply said “Speed Hump Ahead,” not even 25 feet later there were two deer going at it hot and heavy. This distracted me so much that I actually bottomed out the back end of my truck and the actual speed hump.

Please feel free to add as many places and names as you would like to this!

(Submitted by SPC Craig Gauthier)

- Not allowed to water the SGM’s flowers with Round Up.
- When making Anti-Coalition propaganda “White Devil” is not an acceptable phrase… Even if the COG thinks its funny.
- Not allowed to use “real” pictures of dead people
- I am not the white Missy Elliot
- Not allowed to use dairy dry-shakes to convince Iraqi kids that Americans eat their own cum
- KATUSAs are not my personal play things
- Not allowed to tell the KATUSAs where all the whore houses are
- Not allowed to tell privates that if they want to get promoted they have to “pleasure” the 1SG.
- Not allowed to tell KATUSAs sexually deviant things like what “playing swords” is.
- There is a reason new KATUSAs are scared… I should not prey on this (even if I CAN smell their fear).
- Not allowed to “tag” memorandums that I don’t agree with, with “WOLVERINES!!!”
- Not allowed to paint training claymores green
- Not allowed to paint live claymores blue
- My name is not Buck, and I am not here to fuck
- Especially not when there are female soldiers around
- No longer allowed to voice my opinions during EO training
- Especially if it deals with racism or religion
- Not allowed to tell 1SG exactly what I think of his board questions
- Everyone knows that I am 11B, I don’t need to remind them that they are inferior quite so often
- The 4187 for overtime pay was funny… until it reached the Commandant’s desk
- The supply request for midget hookers was not.
- Not allowed to post pictures around camp of senior NCOs and label them “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.” Especially if its blatant sarcasm.
- Not allowed out of my office, except to smoke, and only under supervision, when there is anyone brigade level or higher on camp.
- An eleven row and some IEDs are not the solution to Korea’s traffic problems
- Not allowed to hand superiors over to the KPA
- Not allowed to defect to KPA
- Not allowed to tell people I’m taking a military vehicle to crash it, just because “I’ve had it with this place”
- Not allowed to tell the SGLs just how jacked up and lazy they are
- Not allowed to give the BNCOC instructors a piece of my mind
- There is no reason to see if any problem at the academy is Internet porn related
- Not allowed to wear a demon mask when attacking bluefor
- Not allowed to carry a lightsaber during rotations
- Not allowed to strap C4 to a goat and send it into bluefor’s FOB
- Using cigarette butts to “silence” my weapon is cheating (It actually works, stuff a butt down your barrel with your BFA. The bolt is louder than the blank. 1 for an M4, 2 for a SAW)
- It is true that a speed limit sign is the standard. However exceeding the speed limit, and exceeding the standard are not the same. Especially in a GOV.
- Not allowed to sing “Its Raining Men” in the office.

Bonus: Things Craig is not allowed to do now that he is married:

1. Must not show testicles to random people
2. Especially if they can have an effect on my employment status
3. Not allowed to publicly embarrass my wife
4. Not allowed to publicly embarrass my wife and post the video on Youtube.
5. No hiding cameras in the bedroom.
6. The bedroom is not a porn studio.
7. “Who’s the Devil?” is no longer my favorite game.
8. “My rifle needs a shiny new buttstock”, is not a valid reason to access the savings account.
9. My Mother in law does not form the head of a giant Anti-Christ Battle Robot.
10. My wife is not a tool to “fix” speeding tickets.
11. My computer is not a “Digital Porn Compression Center”.
12. “Guess what I just did” will probably lead to an argument.
13. “What money” = Wrong answer.
14. My wife has no need for a pistol, and I should stop insisting that she does.
15. She doesn’t need a shotgun either.
16. My wife has neither the time nor inclination to hear my performance map for my car (again).
17. I should just assume that my wife will not understand “What the fuck I’m talking about”, so I should just keep my mouth shut
18. Its not funny when my wife cries.
19. Especially if its over something stupid.
20. Our (Future) children are not here solely for my entertainment.
21. Nor are they lab rats.
22. A shock collar does not constitute a playpen.
23. I will not threaten the kids with “Being sent to the soccer ball factory”.
24. Red bull and Chocolate bars is not the key to effective child labor.
25. Not allowed to sponsor “Ductape/Wifflebat Deathmatches” with our children.
26. Or the neighbor’s children.
27. There are no child-eating trolls in the woods.
28. Being put in the dumpster is not an acceptable punishment.
29. I can not trade my wife for a larger turbo.
30. Cannot offer sexual favors on my wife’s behalf, in exchange for high priced items from D.S. ARMS.
31. I am neither the Alpha nor Omega.
32. My penis is not nearly as big as I think it is.
33. Nor do I know how to use it.
34. The dinner table is not a place for firearms.
35. We do not need a shotgun rack on the bed.
36. Guinness and a smoke is no longer a breakfast option.
37. A couple six packs, some ten-sided dice, and a character sheet does not constitute family time.
38. I AM in fact gay for liking D&D.
39. Country music is not grounds for suicide, and I should stop suggesting it is.
40. Not allowed to convince my sister-in-law to kill herself.
41. Even if the world WOULD in fact be a better place.
42. Just because my sister-in-law is a loser, as well as her sperm-donor, it does not mean their children should be culled from the gene pool.
43. Not allowed to chemically neuter myself with Twinkies and Mountain Dew.
44. Just because my sister-in-law has not lost the baby fat, lives at home, and has no job, does not mean I should call INS and tell them my mother in law is hiding an Ethiopian in her house.
45. My wife’s dog is not Smeagol with fur.
46. Making a small dog so frightened of me (without ever touching it) that it pees as soon as it sees me, should not be a point of pride.
47. I am not nearly as scary as I would like people to think I am.
48. “I can’t wait to tell the guys”, may or may not result in sleeping on the couch. So I should be VERY careful how I use this phrase.
49. My wife has NOT been smoking crack.
50. In the rare event that my wife’s girlier tendencies manifest, I should not use them as a tool for teasing at a later date.
51. My “I’d rather be masturbating” T-shirt is not acceptable “Dinner with the in laws” attire.
52. I am no longer allowed to dress myself.
53. It goes the speed limit and it does as its told.
54. I am no longer allowed to end any sentence to my wife with “… and it does as its told’.
55. Nor “…or it gets the fire hose”.
56. I am not allowed to buy a fire hose.
57. Silence of the Lambs is NOT funny.
58. My wife CAN AND WILL kick my “bony ass”.
59. Despite what the army tells me, its not rape, even if I DO say no (3am on a duty night).
60. Barn yard animal noises in the bedroom is NOT sexy.
61. I am NOT a sheep, and I do not need lovin’ too.
62. I am not “The Black Britney Spears”.
63. Yelling at other drivers is not a healthy expression of emotion.
64. When my wife’s car breaks down my immediate response is now “Are you okay, hun?”. Not “You should have bought a Honda”.
65. My wife cannot set people on fire.
67. Even if she IS Wiccan.
68. I cannot fight crime with novelty items.
69. Not allowed to go looking for toys my wife has taken from me.
70. Just because my wife is going to be a cop does not mean I can do anything I want.
71. Walking into a cop bar and announcing “I smell bacon!”, is counter productive.
72. The Wiccan symbol tattooed on my wife’s lower back is NOT a tramp stamp.
73. I should not try to prove my point by singing tramp stamp to the tune of “Love Shack”.
74. Under no circumstances am I to attempt to sing.
75. Especially if I’ve been drinking.
76. Guinness is not God’s personal gift to me. Therefor I am not angering him by not drinking it everyday.
77. My wife’s KIA is not “The Devil’s Tool”.
78. My children will NOT eat their way out of the womb
79. My wife does in fact wear the pants.

Well all my life I’ve been a jack of all trades. I’ve worked for carnivals, haunted houses and rodeos (yes, I was the clown). I’ve been a carpenter, electrician and mason. I’ve worked fisheries, fishing boats and spent a season doing America’s deadliest job (Alaska Crab Fishing). But in all of these jobs I don’t think I had as much fun as when I was a Satellite and Wireless Internet installer. Every morning my team would get together and the office manager would come out and lecture us on the days jobs, and what was wrong with yesterday. Here are a few excerpts: (I will list the numbers that apply directly to me at the end)

1. It is not OK to shoot a kid with an AirSoft gun, while working.
2. Even if the kid was shooting you first.
3. It is not OK to tell the police the accelerator was “stuck” and you were “unsticking” it while driving a company vehicle.
4. It is not OK to use the terms spectrothermal “anal”yzer, pig snoot, three-eyed cancer hazard when describing the feed horns on a satellite dish.
5. It is not OK to drill four, one inch diameter holes in a rude customers wall to run a quarter inch thick cable to the back of the TV.
6. It is not OK to throw heavy objects from a roof and tell young children to “catch!”
7. When taking your lunch on the roof of a customers home it is not OK to tease the pet rottweiler with your food.
8. It is not OK to help your customer get revenge on his neighbor by putting a 14 foot tall motorized dish right outside the bedroom window of his neighbors house.
9. It is not OK to offer free additional channels in exchange for sex, especially when you aren’t the one who activates those channels.
10. It is not OK to tell a customer that the microwave receiving plate is “harmless unless you are within 100 feet of it, in any direction, for more than a few minutes at a time,” then mount it to the roof right above their bedroom.
11. If you are going to fall off a roof, try to land somewhere soft, other than the customer’s favorite pet.
12. While climbing towers do not “test” the safety harness by tying yourself off and jumping off the tower.
13. Microwave receiving/transmitting plates are not Frisbees.
14. It is not OK to beat a customer over the head and shoulders with a fishing pole.
15. It is not OK to beat a customer over the head and shoulders with a foam pool noodle.
16. It is not OK to challenge a customer to a duel. They might just accept.
17. It is not OK to tell a customer “Don’t worry, I’m a professional” and then open a can of beer.
18. It is not OK to have beer at any work site, unless said work site is a bar and you aren’t drinking it.
19. When a police officer pulls you over it is not OK to tell him to “bugger off and mind your own business.”
20. When climbing a tower with a ladder, use the ladder. Also it is not OK to race your coworker up the outside of the tower while he climbs the ladder.
21. When in a cherry picker with a coworker it is NOT OK to see how far you can make the bucket rock. Especially if your coworker is afraid of heights.
22. It is not OK to beat up a coworker for, literally, scaring the piss out of you.
23. It is not OK to break your wrist while drilling through steel, at work.

I was the direct cause of 1, 2, 4, 10, 14, 19, 20, 21, 22 and 23. I was the coworker pissing my pants in 21. I did however have a lot of fun, and would do it all again if it wasn’t for the lawsuit. But that is another story….

This time the list comes courtesy of Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children.  Which is probably the only time in your life you will see the word courtesy used in the same sentence as a reference to the USMC.

(Submitted by Dale Fox)

• I am not authorized to make a superhero costume out of garbage bags, duct tape, m-16 mags and a poncho liner and then chase down and tackle another company’s radio man during a FINEX.

• I am not allowed to cut my old cammies into a “combat thong” and run through the other platoons squad bay during a briefing

• It is also not OK to shake my money maker for the company gunny in the same thong

• I am not allowed to fling my own poo at those who throw skittles at me while I’m using a slit trench

• It is not OK to chok the company gunny’s tires just to see what happens

• I am not authorized to ambush the chow truck

• I am not allowed to defecate on the furniture of suspected insurgents to “send them a warning”

• I am not authorized to set off 55 pounds of UXO near the battalion FOB just to show that they don’t check the grids I give them

• My humvee is not a “stunt car”

• I am not authorized to paint 24 inch tall skulls on all the doors of my MAP team’s vehicles

• The phrase “nega hachi chachi” is not the correct response when your CO asks if you “see anything”

• “I’m rockin’ ” is not a proper response to the question “how are you doing” during my XO’s barracks inspection

• It is not OK to call “controlled det” on the radio after the fact

• Sporks in the hair are not acceptable ways to mark EPWs

• “Wag bag” is not the proper title of the SgtMaj, even if he is one

• It is not ok to fire warning shots at the Battalion commander’s convoy when they do not recognize our right of way

• I am not allowed to sink a case of chow mein MREs in the Euphrates and then leave a treasure map

• Semper gumby (always flexible) is not the proper response to officers giving me orders to undo what they told me to do in the first place

• I am not authorized to tip government vehicles on their sides during training to create a road block

• Humvees are not authorized to go on beer runs, especially not to a drive thru

• I am not authorized to practice my WWF moves on Iraqis

• I am not authorized to pillage due to my Viking roots

• Playing Pantera over loudspeakers after a firefight is not Psyops

• Our patrol is not a bunch of MAMs sabotaging the power station (even though battalion told the tanks we were)

• It is not OK to disregard the smallcraft instructors and go over the side “with style”

• Going to Big Muj island is not to be referred to as going on a 3 hours tour

• I am not authorized to publicly display my picks of who would play members of my chain of command in a movie

• Farting into the radio handset is not a proper response, even if you do say “over” after you do it

Hooray for long weekends.  Now that we all have to go back to work on Tuesday, that makes it the new Monday, and so here’s the Monday morning “do not do list.”

This morning we have things that cannot be done while working for the Parks Department.

(Submitted by Ben Stewart)

1. I am not allowed to answer my phone while on the job

2. Even if it is the boss who is calling me

3. I am not allowed to edge a sidewalk from a moving vehicle, regardless of how good of a job I did

4. I am not allowed to kill ground squirrels near little kids

5. I am not allowed to make a shrine to the ground squirrel gods

6. Even if the city’s anti discrimination policy specifically mention religion

7. I am not allowed to point out every overweight women to my boss and say “wouldn’t you like to see her all sweaty?”

8. I am not allowed to bring fireworks to work
9. I am not allowed to throw little kids in the pond
10. Even if they did steal my trash grabber tongs
11. Not allowed to make up a gang name to cross out a real gang’s grafiti with
12. Not allowed to make spears out of the city’s tool’s to use for groundsquirrel hunting
13. Not allowed to use the excuse “It’s okay I work for the city” when not working to get free drinks at the softball fields
13. Not allowed to the excuse “Its okay I work for the city” when I drive non-road legal vehicles to go get tools from the hardware store
14. Not allowed to use the excuse “It’s okay, I work for the city” ever again
15. Not allowed to tell random women on the street that my coworkers would like to go on a date with them
16. Not allowed to give my coworkers’ names and numbers to butch looking softball players
17. Not allowed to look at the boss’ daughter
18. Not allowed to put broken glass on top of the bathrooms to keep people from climbing on them
19. Not allowed to go swimming in the pond
20. Even if it is to save a duck that has fishing string wrapped around its leg

Blah blah it’s Monday, blah blah, new list, blah generic smart-assed comment.

(Submitted by Chooses to Remain Nameless)

The “PHARMACY LIST”

1) When making a service call, I may not refer to the Un-interruptible Power Source as the “Zed-PM.” It confuses the tech support staff.

2) I also can’t call it the “Power Battery.”

3) Even though we ARE haunted (I just can’t prove it), I am not authorized to contract with local psychics to exorcise our computer-haunting ghost(s)…

4) When there is talk of “trouble-shooting” some equipment, it does NOT involve 9mm, or any live ammo for that matter.

5) Talking to the computers will not make them go faster.

6) Beating on them only makes them go faster sometimes.

7) Even if you’re using something dull like a counting spatula, playing that “game” where you spread your hand and try to stab the table in between your fingers? It still hurts if you miss….

8) I may not play “frisbee” with the dozens of leftover birth control compacts from the Health Department’s stock (they usually give out a year’s supply at a time, and patients don’t want all 12 compacts)

9) If a printer is scheduled to be replaced, I may not take it home with me the night before and use it for target-practice.

10) I may not swear in Chinese (even made-up Chinese) when faced with a stressful situation.

11) Doing the Ric Flair strut and yelling “WOOOOO!” after fixing an insurance rejection may only be done sparingly!

12) “Tuning up the band” (See Shawn Michaels, the WWE Wrestler) BEFORE fixing an insurance rejection - ditto.

13) When someone says “I have a strange question”, the answer “That’s OK, I’m a strange PERSON!” is best reserved for people you know.

14) Even if I DO hear sirens in the distance, I may not rip open my shirt Superman-style and jump out the drive-thru window to save the day.

15) A bonfire out back is NOT an acceptable way to destroy old pharmacy records.

16) I may not use “dry ice” to chill my drinks, especially when I’m at Drop-Off waiting on a customer!

17) I may not play “lazer tag” with the telexon unit.

18) I MAY use the telexon to practice proper trigger-finger placement, but it annoys my coworkers when I do so while humming the James Bond theme.

19) I may not roll heavy boxes of labels from the storage area, downstairs to the stockroom, when the stairs have OTHER things on them.

20) …Even if I yell “PLINKO!” when I do it.

21) I may not follow the lead of Dr. Hawkeye Pierce and drink my beverage of choice from the graduated cylinders.

22) When mixing 2 ointments into a compound, I may NOT borrow my boss’ electric mixer he uses on his protein shakes.

23) I am NOT Doctor Cox…

24) I may not refer to the new hires as “newbie,” “Barbie,” or other nicknames.

25) New hires are not “fresh meat”.

26) “Abandon all hope ye who enter” is NOT an acceptable way to greet staff coming in for a new shift.

27) Neither is “run while you can!”.

28) Even though we REALLY want new flat-screen monitors, I may not gain access to the roof and “accidentally” drop all of the old monitors off of there….

29) Grunting “over there” and pointing in the general direction of a shelf with 200 different bottles on it is NOT a helpful enough answer when a new tech asks me where a medicine is located.

30) In the event of a catastrophic plumbing emergency like a large water pipe bursting, humming the “Mario Brothers” theme while trying to find a red or green cap should NOT be my first priority.

31) Carrying a samurai sword on your back and threatening to invoke Islamic law (IE, chop someone’s hands off) is not the most politically-correct way to deter shoplifting.

32) When a helium balloon gets loose and is stuck on the ceiling, there are better ways of dealing with it than trying to pop it by “shooting” the cap of an oral syringe at it.

33) Goose-stepping, doing the Nazi salute, and ranting in faux German is not an appropriate way to try to explain how “Loss Prevention” works, when newbies ask.

34) ESPECIALLY when LP due for a visit at any moment…

35) I may not answer the doctor’s line by pretending to chew a carrot and saying, “Ehhhh…what’s up, Doc?”

36) Or by breaking out into Bugs Bunny’s “What’s up Doc?” song.

37) I may not jury rig a cell phone jammer and deploy it in the store (ESPECIALLY at the drive-thru). Because SOMEONE’S gonna be the first person the FCC brings charges against for doing it…

38) Large chef’s hats are not in the dress code - even if I only wear it when I’m adding FlavoRx to a medicine.

39) I may not falsely claim Scottish ancestry in order to get away with wearing a kilt at work.

40) If handed a bill I suspect is counterfeit, I need to use the currency-checking pen on it. NOT pretend to examine it by going over it with my electronic Sonic Screwdriver toy.

After a brief hiatus we’ve got more military items again.

(Submitted by Andrew)

• I am not “God and King” over the base networks Electrocons and will not wage war on the Protocons
• The computers are not spying on the junior enlisted
• The computers are not spying on the senior enlisted
• The computers are not spying on the officers
• Computers of and in themselves are not capable of spying at all
• Will not use Photoshop to enlarge a SNCO’s head
• Will not email above picture to all lower enlisted on base with the subject “Real photo of <name omitted>’s Ego”
• Will not rename the SIPR as SIPpy so the officers will feel “More at home”
• Will not use official government computers, spare parts, tools and parking lots to build a battle robot
• *Will not use above battle robot to “enforce parking regulations” on other branches of the service
• *Will not attach a fully loaded M16A2 to above battle robot to “make it more imposing”
• Will not use forklifts to “re-park” unauthorized vehicles
• Will not use government assets to build a “beer trebuchet” even if it is really cool to fling a can of beer over 200 yards
• Will not feed the badgers left over meat from the barbeques
• Will not post fake warning signs on government devices
• Will not use above beer trebuchet to fling bottled sodas
• Will not play “CD Frisbee” between the 3rd floors of separate buildings
• Will not write my ex-wife’s name on weapons qualification targets
• Will not bring my own “M16A2″ for weapons qualification
• Will not use government assets to build a “fully functioning scale model of a WWI gatling gun”
• Will not test the “armor capabilities” of occupied vehicles with scale model WWI gatling gun.
• Will not test the “armor capabilities” of unoccupied vehicles with scale model WWI gatling gun.
• Will not use the Howitzer as a drum, ever if it has “great acoustics”
• Will always check direction of fire from T-Shirt cannon to ensure it does not fire a baseball through the Base CO’s closed window.
• Will not smile and shakes everyone’s hand thanking them profusely for demoting me a rank after scale model of WWI gatling gun incident
• Will not tell the psyc evaluator “I’m loony as Canadian money”
• Will not build my own bunker with flood sand bags and declare all land in it as ceded from the union and shall now be called Blargistan
• Will not use Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes as my name on official forms