Normally, I try to keep my baseless, insane rage to a bare minimum. Not only is it unattractive, but it creates a negative mindset that’s really hard to break out of. However, since I’ve been an unemployed loser for several months now, I’ve found that all I think about is negative shit, and if I don’t let some of it out, the dam is going to burst. Plus, it’s a new year, and I feel compelled to start with a clean slate.
So, here is a brief list of things that piss me off:
1) The Pro-Ana Movement. Destroying your body through starvation is not a lifestyle, nor is it an art. And hey, guess what? You don’t even think you’re fat! So, do the world a favor. Figure out what the fuck is really out of control in your life, then decide how to fix it over a big, sloppy meatball sub. With a bag of chips and non-diet soda. And quit recruiting.
2) Celebrity babies. Oh my god, Angelina Jolie has a functioning uterus?! Who would have thought it? You know who else has a functioning uterus? Fourteen year old girls subjected to abstinence-only education. Quit trying to distract me from the failing economy with this shit.
3) Speaking of which, anyone who thinks reproducing entitles them to special treatment deserves to have their children taken away from them. Humans have been pumping out children for 200,000 years, and they didn’t have Parent With Child parking spaces back then. Somehow, humanity survived anyway. Shut up and learn to drive. Your special children will be extra-special safe that way.
4) Am I the only one who sees the inherent hypocrisy of female politicians preaching a return to traditional family values? They do realize that “traditional” family values means men going to work and women staying at home, right? If that’s what they really believe, then why are they running the country instead of baking a pie?
5) Creationism vs. Evolution. Both of you need to just shut the fuck up right now, because neither side knows what it’s talking about. One is religious doctrine, the other is a constantly changing scientific theory. You’re comparing apples to pork chops.
6) Indies/Hipsters. You’re not as original as you think you are. In fact, you seem to gravitate en masse toward crap. I’ll concede that mainstream culture tends to embrace mediocrity, but sometimes it gets it right. Sometimes, the bands that don’t get signed really do suck. And quit referring to anything you find witty as “ironic.” A Jesus peanut butter cup shirt is not ironic, it’s trite.
7) Can someone please tell me why Dane Cook is considered the greatest comedian of the age? No, really. Every time I try to watch one of his specials, I get bored five minutes in, and I love to watch stand-up comedy. More of this hipster shit, I think. The mainstream thinks he sucks, ergo he must be a genius. He’s not. He’s got untreated ADHD and no real talent to compensate for it.
8) The next vegetarian who trots out bogus facts about the dangers of eating meat is going to get beaten to death with a raw t-bone. My broiled chicken sandwich is much, much healthier than jalapeño poppers from
Crack Jack in the Box.
9) And while I’m killing people, the next group to go are morons who use Internet-speak in the real world. If you honestly believe “and I was like, LOL!” is an acceptable substitution for “and I laughed my ass off,” then be prepared to have your skull crushed by my thirty-pound dictionary.
10) Misspelled words are not “creative,” they are “wrong.” There are 400,000+ words in the English language and only twenty-six individual characters to form them. If your kids can design their own web page, they can figure out how to click on the icon of the little checkmark with ‘ABC’ over top of it in Word. Though I do understand that there may be some confusion when Word doesn’t recognize “LeFtNuTz” and “RiTeNuTz.” That’s actually a good thing. Your six year old twins shouldn’t be talking like that anyway.
11) Speaking of infantile behavior, what the fuck is up with grown women who lisp on purpose? And not only that, but every woman I’ve met with an affected lisp is a gold-digging stone-cold moron, by choice. And don’t give me that “I have a thpeech impediment that limith me” shit. I know women with real lisps, and not only they sound absolutely nothing like that, but they’re too busy being successful and happy to deserve being lumped together with the likes of you.
12) Code. Fucking. Pink. Do I even need to say more?