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January 7th, 2009 by Minty

Normally, I try to keep my baseless, insane rage to a bare minimum.  Not only is it unattractive, but it creates a negative mindset that’s really hard to break out of. However, since I’ve been an unemployed loser for several months now, I’ve found that all I think about is negative shit, and if I don’t let some of it out, the dam is going to burst.  Plus, it’s a new year, and I feel compelled to start with a clean slate.

So, here is a brief list of things that piss me off:

1) The Pro-Ana Movement. Destroying your body through starvation is not a lifestyle, nor is it an art.  And hey, guess what?  You don’t even think you’re fat!  So, do the world a favor.  Figure out what the fuck is really out of control in your life, then decide how to fix it over a big, sloppy meatball sub.  With a bag of chips and non-diet soda.   And quit recruiting.

2) Celebrity babies.  Oh my god, Angelina Jolie has a functioning uterus?!  Who would have thought it?  You know who else has a functioning uterus?  Fourteen year old girls subjected to abstinence-only education.  Quit trying to distract me from the failing economy with this shit.

3) Speaking of which, anyone who thinks reproducing entitles them to special treatment deserves to have their children taken away from them.  Humans have been pumping out children for 200,000 years, and they didn’t have Parent With Child parking spaces back then.  Somehow, humanity survived anyway.  Shut up and learn to drive.  Your special children will be extra-special safe that way.

4) Am I the only one who sees the inherent hypocrisy of female politicians preaching a return to traditional family values?  They do realize that “traditional” family values means men going to work and women staying at home, right?  If that’s what they really believe, then why are they running the country instead of baking a pie?

5) Creationism vs. Evolution.  Both of you need to just shut the fuck up right now, because neither side knows what it’s talking about.  One is religious doctrine, the other is a constantly changing scientific theory.  You’re comparing apples to pork chops.

6) Indies/Hipsters. You’re not as original as you think you are.   In fact, you seem to gravitate en masse toward crap.  I’ll concede that mainstream culture tends to embrace mediocrity, but sometimes it gets it right.  Sometimes, the bands that don’t get signed really do suck.  And quit referring to anything you find witty as “ironic.”   A Jesus peanut butter cup shirt is not ironic, it’s trite.

7) Can someone please tell me why Dane Cook is considered the greatest comedian of the age?  No, really.   Every time I try to watch one of his specials, I get bored five minutes in, and I love to watch stand-up comedy.  More of this hipster shit, I think.   The mainstream thinks he sucks, ergo he must be a genius.   He’s not.  He’s got untreated ADHD and no real talent to compensate for it.

8) The next vegetarian who trots out bogus facts about the dangers of eating meat is going to get beaten to death with a raw t-bone.   My broiled chicken sandwich is much, much healthier than jalapeño poppers from Crack Jack in the Box.

9) And while I’m killing people, the next group to go are morons who use Internet-speak in the real world.  If you honestly believe “and I was like, LOL!” is an acceptable substitution for “and I laughed my ass off,” then be prepared to have your skull crushed by my thirty-pound dictionary.

10) Misspelled words are not “creative,” they are “wrong.”  There are 400,000+ words in the English language and only twenty-six individual characters to form them.  If your kids can design their own web page, they can figure out how to click on the icon of the little checkmark with ‘ABC’ over top of it in Word.  Though I do understand that there may be some confusion when Word doesn’t recognize “LeFtNuTz” and “RiTeNuTz.” That’s actually a good thing.  Your six year old twins shouldn’t be talking like that anyway.

11) Speaking of infantile behavior, what the fuck is up with grown women who lisp on purpose?  And not only that, but every woman I’ve met with an affected lisp is a gold-digging stone-cold moron, by choice. And don’t give me that “I have a thpeech impediment that limith me” shit.  I know women with real lisps, and not only they sound absolutely nothing like that, but they’re too busy being successful and happy to deserve being lumped together with the likes of you.

12) Code. Fucking. Pink. Do I even need to say more?

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  1. eskimojack Says:



  2. Vittles Says:

    You speak the truth, except me and my ADHD brain like to watch Dane cook


    Stickfodder reply on January 9th, 2009 6:04 pm:

    I’m so ADHD that I had to spend my last two and a half years in high school in a class with specially trained teachers who could deal with my short attention span. And I think he sucks.


  3. Sweet Sister Morphine Says:

    I can only congratulate you on your restraint. I post something like this about every month or so.

    1) Nuff said. I have sympathy for the mentally ill, but not the people who feed their delusions. If I have to stay on my meds and pay ridiculous amounts of money to medical specialists, everone else can suffer with me. <__<

    6) Further to this, people who boast about owning an iRiver instead of an iPod because it’s more ‘indie’ deserve to be strangled with their own earphones.

    7) I don’t even know who Dane Cook is, but then I live in Australia. Under a rock. Also, see point #9.

    8) I love it when holier-than-though veggies trot out the ‘vegetarians are smarter’ argument, because unlike them I actually read the research paper it is based on and know what a crock of shit it is. I like it even more when holier-holier-than-though vegans do the same thing, because said research found that vegans were actually considerably dumber than both regular vegetarians and omnivores.

    9) I have to confess that I tend to do this to some extend, although it’s mostly words like ‘troll’ and ‘meatspace’, used in their correct frame of reference. I blame this on the fact that about 80% of my social life is conducted via the internet, with about 10% of the remainder involving talking to people about the internet. I generally avoid acronyms, although to the great amusement of one of my friends, I have been known to literally Roll On The Floor Laughing. Happily, I have never literally Rolled On The Floor Laughing My F***ing Arse Off, as I’m pretty sure this would necessitate some kind of emergency medical procedure.

    11) People do that? I spend half my life trying not to lisp. Bitches… <_<

    12) So… much… pink. O_O


    David reply on January 8th, 2009 1:25 pm:

    “troll” and “meatspace” are fair game for regular speech and offline usage, since they are now dictionary words. Urbandictionary is -a- dictionary.

    Alberich bill – “King of the Faeries” can’t get married in California


    Minty reply on January 8th, 2009 2:11 pm:

    “11) People do that? I spend half my life trying not to lisp. Bitches…”

    Yes, yes they do. They do it because they think it makes them look like sex kittens. Now, I admit that, as a heterosexual female, I’m not an authority on what heterosexual males consider sexy. If it’s a gold-digger in a cheap, tawdry dress with a fake lisp and their eyes permanently glued to their wallets, then I think I need to reconsider the whole lesbian thing.


    Kieran reply on January 9th, 2009 6:54 am:

    as a heterosexual male i can safely say that such women do nothing for me. ;)


    Stickfodder reply on January 9th, 2009 6:09 pm:

    Same here. Then again I was raised by my mom who is a speech therapist so it just pisses me off.

  4. Squid Vicious Says:

    Hallelujah! Minty 4 Pres 2012!!!


    Squid Vicious reply on January 8th, 2009 3:01 am:

    Oh, and RE: Code Pink: War is SO over?
    How about we solve the issues in the Middle East by bombing Code Pink HQ into a smoking pile of rubble, and issuing a fatwa against all members? Works for me.


    Minty reply on January 8th, 2009 2:14 pm:

    Only if we can convincingly blame it on terrorists. Otherwise it’s just fuel to their fire that the US government is eeeviiilll. . .


    Squid Vicious reply on January 8th, 2009 3:41 pm:

    No no, I meant by getting the Israelis and the Palestinians etc to unite to blow it all up. And get Obama to publicly declare support for the Alliance’s actions.

  5. paula Says:

    Oh god YES, Minty! I don’t give a da** WHAT is considered hip/ fashionable/ cool/ politically correct, and extremists of of ANY variety are a big fat pain in the arse.

    Some people consider me stubborn and opinionated, because I don’t just blindly accept their enlightened viewpoints like I should…..

    captcha: shot standing: somebody’s gonna get shot if they keep trying to force their stand on me!


  6. Sicarius Says:

    #7: Yeah, I can’t stand Dane Cook. Talentless hack along the lines of Carlos Mencia. If you want comedy, watch Mitch Hedberg, Jim Gaffigan, or Daniel Tosh.
    Captcha: Japan Connor. Is the next terminator going to be a mecha?


  7. Jim C Says:

    You have to stop repressing your feelings and tell us how you really feel.


  8. Kieran Says:

    Code Pink ………….. kill them kill them all.

    Sweet Sister Morphine: ahh but our wonderful land of Australia is a big place…….. so which rocks are you hiding under ? ;)


    paula reply on January 9th, 2009 6:47 am:

    ya got that great big Ayers rock: could be a whole bunch of people hidin’ under that thing!


    Kieran reply on January 9th, 2009 6:52 am:

    that is true ;) and in Command & Conquer 3 the Brotherhood of Nod did have a base there……….. for those who are familiar with game.


  9. Former Spc. 19K Says:

    Wow, I’m surprised other unemployed individuals can manage to see past the bread and circuses that thoroughly. I know that it may seem kinda screwed up, but I no longer expect my fellow American to make sense, much less actually take the time to make a cohesive statement on their views and feelings.


  10. Speed Says:

    Daaaammmn! Seriously, you HAVE to go on stage on “open mike night” at your local comic club.

    1) Let ’em starve to death.
    2) Bradd Pitt is a GENIUS – can’t marry Angelina until the gays get marriage!
    4) Traditional values – kick off them shoes and get cookin’ in da kitchen woman!
    7) Mitch Hedberg.
    8) Favorite T-shirt – Meat is Murder. Tasty, Tasty Murder.
    9) WTF? [heh]
    12) Kill. Them. All.


  11. David Says:

    Rock on! Go Misty! Misty FTW!


  12. Anthea Says:

    You go, girl!

    Here’s something you might find slightly amusing: The guys I learned morris from had a collective identity called ‘Bruno’. When some of the women formed their own gender-specific troupe, our collective identity was ‘Skippy’. And man, she was a no-bullshit bitch…you’d have loved her :)


    CCO reply on January 8th, 2009 10:51 pm:

    OK, I’m clueless. What is “morris”?

    (Heiser unani- ???? Nope, got nothing on that one either.


    Anthea reply on January 8th, 2009 11:15 pm:

    At the risk of sounding like some kind of geek (heh), morris *dance* – traditional English men’s folk dance. Universally maligned (Blackadder et al) as being done only by geezers. As practiced by the aforesaid Bruno, balls-out beer-fuelled mayhem ;)


    paula reply on January 9th, 2009 6:49 am:

    “beer-fueled mayhem”…. sounds like fun!

  13. CCO Says:

    #0) I used to drive for Domino’s Pizza; it wasn’t too bad. You may want to try them if there’s one nearby. I worked there long enough that I was eligible for insurance and was about to become eligible for the 401k. (It was a company owned store, not a franchisee; your mileage may vary.) It was mostly OK, except for that Monday or Tuesday after 9-11 when I got robbed, and then I remembered what the FBI recommended about not going with a kidnapper (and telling someone to go behind the building, at gunpoint, is kidnapping, right?) so I threw the pizza and ran.

    #12) http://www.codepinkforpeace.com is amusing; Blackfive or Chuck Z clued me in to it. Likewise http://www.codepinkforpeace.net.

    Keep it ‘tween the navigational beacons. Vent to atmosphere as necessary per ANSI/ASME B31.


    CCO reply on January 8th, 2009 10:59 pm:

    Oh, so that’s what happens if you don’t do the reCaptcha correctly.

    BTW, I left about two months after I got robbed. (I may be slow, but I ain’t that slow.)

    windup Gas. Yes, gas has wound up to under and now over what it went up to in the *spring* of 2001.


    Minty reply on January 9th, 2009 12:20 am:

    Um, I’m absolutely positive that last bit under #12 is very clever. However, I have no idea how it’s clever, as I’m a limp-wristed civilian. Please explain?


    CCO reply on January 9th, 2009 12:35 am:

    Code Pink is a far left anti-war group; I think they protested the Marine recruiting station in Berkley, CA. Thus a re-direct page from something that could be their web address (or perhaps was their address but they forgot to re-new it) to the Marine or Army website is an amusing joke to some — particularly to http://www.blackfive.net or tcoverride.blogspot.com fans.

    Either that or I typed the address wrong, but I think I checked them.

    (ReCaptcha: Vember there???)


    CCO reply on January 9th, 2009 12:38 am:

    Hey, wait, does that mean my obscure B31 reference made sense?


    O’Toole burglary: I thought he was dead?

    Minty reply on January 9th, 2009 12:55 am:

    Ah, so it’s some kind of motorcycle exhaust pipe reference, then? Yeah, I was a dork and tried to looked it up…

    Captcha: “RETAIL pickets.” Yup. That’s why Christmas sucked so much. . .too many people bitching about the economy.

    Minty reply on January 11th, 2009 6:08 pm:

    Actually, I meant the bit about the exhaust pipes, which you answered before. The comments just got all funky. . .

    CCO reply on January 9th, 2009 8:26 am:

    Actually, the American National Safety Institute / American Society of Mechanical Engineers Standard {two groups, one standard} B31 is the standard for pressure vessels (or maybe just the welding of pressure vessels. I’ve been out of the loop for years). Then again you said the dam was going to fail catastrophically, but I was thinking you had to blow off some steam; ergo, my labored joke is inapplicable.

    (barefoot Logan: Yeah, Wolverine probably would barefoot and smoke a cigar that the same time.)


    CCO reply on January 9th, 2009 2:36 pm:

    OK, now that I look, ASME is the proponent of B31; ANSI was the previous proponent; and it’s just for pressure piping. See http://www.engineeringtoolbox.com/asme-b31pressure-piping-d_39.html for more details.

    (If I’m going to be pedantic, I might as well be thorough.)

    Minty reply on January 9th, 2009 12:59 pm:

    Okay, I finally got around to clicking those links. Hilarious, and completely appropriate!


  14. Janice Says:

    Preach it sister! Especially #4. That drives me nuts too.


  15. Tzanti Says:

    5) Mmmm…Pork and apple sauce!

    captcha: room decrease – you’ve seen our flat, then.


    Minty reply on January 9th, 2009 1:02 pm:

    Which is my point exactly!


  16. StoneWolf Says:

    Bloody brilliant!

    #6-Whether Hipsters or Pop or whatever, Sheeple are Sheeple. They just follow the herd.

    #8-By the Gods YES! I live in Vermont with an inordinately large number of Tofu Eaters, and as a young Carnivorous male I am apparently enemy #1. Honestly, I don’t care what they eat, just let me have my dead deer and leave me the fuck alone!

    #9/10-My father is an English Major. I grew up learning “The King’s English”. I realize I don’t spell well, but I recognize it is a deficiency on my part, not creativity. Language may be dynamic but that doesn’t mean you can rape it and call it progress.

    11#-Women really do this? We should report them to the Fem-Nazis. That catfight would be fun to watch.

    Remember, when engaging in a debate with a fanatic of any kind, if you don’t automatically agree with their view, you are Stupid, Stubborn and Intolerant. This is why I would like to dumb all my diplomatic responsibilities on my M1A.


  17. kat Says:

    #1. As a legitimately underweight person (Lactation is the best diet ever), I HATE these girls. I can’t even tell you how many people I’ve had recommend that I get therapy for my “eating disorder”
    #3. Useless baby parephenalia. Honestly, do you really need ALL THAT CRAP! You know what I have? A rebozo, a highchair, a crib and a couple baby toys. And a carseat, but it stays in my car.
    #4. OMG so if they win, they would actually PAY my husband enough money to support us on a single income! Oops, no never mind, we would be expected to par down our broke-ass standard of living even more.
    #8. There’s room for all god’s creature’s, right next to the mashed potatoes. I’ll take a filet mignon, still moo-ing please.
    #9-10. At least learn how to spell your own name people! I have had people who have to look on their ID’s to see if they spelled their name right!
    #11. DIE BITCHES!!!
    #12. I think I need to gouge my eyes out now, thanks…


  18. Schwal Says:

    I’m embarrassed to say that Dane Cook went to my High School. You should have seen the looks on the teachers’ faces when a bus saying TOURGASM in 4 foot high letters pulled in to our parking lot.


  19. Sequoia Says:

    #8-Try to take my meat away and I’ll KRIFFING RIP THEIR KIDNEYS OUT AND FORCE THEM DOWN THEIR DAMN THROATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (yes I have anger issues)


    Stonewolf reply on January 12th, 2009 2:39 pm:

    No, you have anger. People who never get angry have issues. Honestly, why does the urge to inflict massive amounts of violence on people automatically get tagged as “anger issues”?


    Sequoia reply on January 12th, 2009 6:28 pm:

    I would call it issues when if I happen to be mildly irritated, multiple, expensive things break.

    And no one got my obscure Star Wars reference. Shame.


    Andy reply on January 14th, 2009 9:12 am:

    ah took me a moment “kiffing” sorry i read it as an actual word :(

  20. MarkHB Says:

    Oh thank fuck, I’m not alone.


  21. Suomynona Says:

    I think this article needs a new title:

    Minty Kicks the ass of the useless morons of the world!!

    You rock Minty.


    Stickfodder reply on January 11th, 2009 9:23 pm:


    Minty if you’re still jobless you should look into stand up comedy.


    paula reply on January 12th, 2009 3:21 pm:

    I’d suggest applying to something like Blackwater Security, if I wasn’t slightly nervous about giving Minty firepower…..


  22. Fafnir Says:

    #5. I don’t recall anyone trying to force evolution into churches, and I do recall a lot of people trying to force intelligent design into science lessons. That’s why the evolutionists won’t shut up.

    Otherwise a great post!


  23. pwiklund Says:

    SO I had never hear dof “Code Pink” before, and I clicked on the link. I believe that I just threw up a little in my mouth. Let’s just scoop up all those little code pink ladies and fly them over the middle east then, and let THEM solve 2,000 years of war over there (since they think they have the solution).


    Xander Vathem reply on February 28th, 2009 10:21 am:

    I think i like your plan for the Pinkies better then just kill kill them all


  24. Weatherbabe Says:

    PINK! ACK! *dives under her desk due to flashbacks of the days when her mom made her wear pink on purpose*


  25. David B Says:

    THANK YOU!! But, you forgot stupid baby names. It isn; making the name “unique” when you spell it “Mychael” or some other bullshit. It just makes it look like you don’t know how to spell. And don’t get me started on “North West”. COME ON!! THAT IS JUST STUPID! If I were that kid, I’d change my name as soon as I’m able!


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