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Matters of Etiquette with Merry Manners

January 6th, 2009 by todd merriman

I’m starting my career as an advice columnist on Craigslist. See what you think….

Does time of day matter when dropping a note through someone’s mail slot? 01/04 21:15:06

I wrote 2 notes for my noisy neighbors. At first I considered talking to them, and almost drummed up the courage tonight. But I was tired and not in the mood to be friendly. With the other neighbors, I see the family sporadically and they seem friendly face to face so I don’t want to tarnish the respect. That’s why I’d rather use the note method of communication.

Anyway, when I walked down the hall the other night it was 11:30pm which I found a bit late to be flipping up someone’s door mail slot and slipping in a note. What if they were already in bed? But considering the one neighbor blares his surround sound system until later than that sometimes, I guess that negates my need to follow good etiquette. It’s not like I plan to pound down his door at 11:30pm, it’s just a light flip ‘n drop.


Who leaves a note for that? 01/05/09 07:24

I don’t think the time of day matters when you drop a note through someone’s mail slot, but why do that? Why leave a paper trail for the police to follow when some other suspicious neighbor decides to take a peek in the apartment because either the stereo’s been going for two or three days straight, or not at all, depending on whether you turned it down on your way out. I mean, obviously you would have left it on to cover up the sounds of noisy screaming, when you’ve finally snapped, “drummed up the courage,” and banged on your neighbor’s door, meat cleaver in hand.
Writing a note, leaving a sample of your jagged, childlike scrawl at the scene — my friend, you might as well fax your confession to the police now.
Unless of course, you do one of those ransom-note letter collages you see in the movies. That’ll get their attention and let them know the kind of person they’re dealing with.
Or you know what you could do? Next time the noise bothers you (it will make no sense to them if you do this at any other time), walk over there, knock on the door, shake their hand, look them in the eye and ask them politely to take it down a notch because you have to work in the morning. People tend to respect that sort of thing, unless they’re a drunken, belligerent biker gang. And if they are? Well, maybe you should pack along a meat cleaver, just in case.

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17 Responses to “Matters of Etiquette with Merry Manners”

  1. Jake Says:

    Story wasn’t that funny until I noticed it was written by Todd, and it instantly conjured images of Sweeney Todd, the infuriated neighbor down the hall.

    *is in stitches, and it hurts to laugh*


  2. Fairest of All Says:

    rent a house with friends
    I seriously had an apartment neighbor ask me not to make so much noise when I walk
    no kidding
    apparently I walk too noisily…..wtf
    I was a gymnast,and a ballet dancer.
    not compleatly without grace.
    was about 110 lbs at the time
    oh yeah she didnt like my fans either
    in a post-war building with no ac

    so move to a place where you dont share walls lady!


  3. StoneWolf Says:

    Back when I was in college people loved to open their door and blast music. Despite the fact that I had a KBar in my desk and wanted to disembowl them (I hate rap) I would politly ask them to close the door and turn it down just enough so that I didn’t hear it 5 doors down. Not off, just down. Usually this worked, but one guy proceded to lecture me about tolerance (of course he didn’t see the irony). So the war began. And let me tell you, no amount of Rap can account for the roar of Bagpipes at three in the morning. Also, my floormates didn’t mind a week of Pipes to shut that fucker up. Its like the man said, speak softly and carry a big stick.


    Dave in NC reply on January 7th, 2009 7:34 am:

    …or large military knife. Same principle, just changes the coroner’s report slightly.

    captcha: desirous fire – may I loiter in the vicinity of your radiant heat?


    StoneWolf reply on January 7th, 2009 11:26 am:

    Did you miss the part about the KBar in my desk?


    Minty reply on January 7th, 2009 1:50 pm:

    But did they realize you were fully prepared to use said KBar?

    Dave in NC reply on January 7th, 2009 3:06 pm:

    No, didn’t miss it, just saying it was being used in place of said stick.

    paula reply on January 7th, 2009 4:50 pm:

    personally, I think the bagpipes were brilliant!

    David B reply on March 18th, 2014 4:49 pm:

    “A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the bagpipes but doesn’t” – Ronnie Corbett.

    Personally, I like the sound of the ‘pipes. Very pretty.
    The first time I heard them was when I was little. My family was watching the sunset in a park along the shore of Lake Winnebago. A man dressed in a traditional kilt was walking along playing “Amazing Grace.” It was quite beautiful. I was 4 at the time, but it has stayed with me.


  4. M578 Jockey Says:

    I used to have a neighbor and her daughter who would scream at each other every morning while the daughter got ready for high school. I worked 2nd shift and didn’t get to bed until at least 1 am. Then I got to listen to the two harpys start at 6 am. Asking didn’t work so I turned my speakers to the wall we shared and at the first shriek started playing “Hells Bells” full blast. I only had to do it twice.

    Captcha: bullets and…..


    StoneWolf reply on January 7th, 2009 11:25 am:

    Psych Warfare wins again.


    SCalexD reply on January 12th, 2009 12:23 pm:

    HAHA! Sounds like my ex.

    See, my ex, at the time, was this 18-year old baby-spice look alike who was my friends sister.

    So no joke, just like you they would bicker EVERY SINGLE GOD FORSAKEN MORNING…even on Saturdays!

    Well one night after a night of drinking we stumbled to his house and passed out…

    only to be woken to the soudn of banshees screaming to eachother at 7 AM ON A SATURDAY!

    Hung over Alex Solution: Wake up, get to 25% boot capacity, look around with eyes not even half open.

    I reach for the neartest object: a roll of blue Duct tape.

    I then, just wearing boxers, stumble up to the two and pull out a length and get it ready.

    They tke one look at the zombified-alex and stop bickering.

    “Alex” says her mother. “If you want to stay here again you will put the tape down and go back to sleep”

    Brain processing.

    I then turn around put the tape back and sleep.

    It worked.

    The daughter was named Katie, right?


    Signalist reply on August 31st, 2011 2:53 pm:

    my mom and sister were the same when my sis was in 7th-9th year in school, those two have a lot of temper, and apparently some Higher Being With Sick Sense of Humor had decided that they’ll PMS at the same time.

    After it all started I started digging a foxhole in our backyard (and someone ALWAYS filled it afterwards…), and once one of my sister’s boyfriends moved in, he’d sometimes take a shovel join me.


  5. SPC Johnson Says:

    I used to hang out quite a bit with a sgt I worked with named Cameron. She hated her neighbors with a passion, partly because of the loud music during the day, but mostly because she shared a bedroom wall…

    Her preferred method of counter attack was the Dolby powered Guitar Hero marathon.

    Good times, good times.


  6. Speed Says:

    I used to live in a duplex. A family of rednecks lived in the other apt – nothing wrong with rednecks as I too are one. They’d have parties lasting all night which sucked as I had to get up at 0400 for work. I blasted the hardest rock I could thru my Bose 901s at 0400 and that generally worked for a time.

    Another time I got home around 2100 and found they’d parked in my space. I knocked & asked them to move. I got a rude reply. I tried to park my car off the street – no spaces there – and ended up putting dent in my wife’s car. I don’t remember exactly what I said, except for threatening death to all, but my wife said that I scared her as she heard me screaming above the sound of their tunes and everyone left the party within five minutes. PTSD has its advantages.


  7. Kelly Says:

    I used to live in a building with really thin walls and floors, so I generally cut the neighbors a little slack on the noise. Until we had this one group of guys move in below us. You can’t comprehend the amount of noise they made-our floors would literally be vibrating. Tried everything-asked them to keep it down, complained to the office, even called the cops a few times (They got nailed with something like $1000 in city fines when I called the cops because they had a party with probably a hundred people) And late night noise didn’t bother me because I’m a bartender.

    Well, one night I get home at like 4 after work, and the noise was awful. Things were rattling around on our counters, pictures were sideways. And I was in a bad mood because it had been a long night.

    I walked downstairs, pounded on their door util someone answered, and calmly explained to them that they had three choices. They could A) Turn the music down B) Deal with the cops, or C) Deal with me, and I promised them that option C would be a very, very bad choice.

    They turned the music down, and for the next month, until they moved out, I never had another problem with noise coming from their apartment. Guess I looked like I was serious.


  8. CCO Says:

    I should print this one out and save for July when I really, really, really don’t feel like cutting the grass!


    (Hebrew Fogler? Oh, I remember him; nice guy. His son use to cut my grass when I was too busy.)


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