Well it’s still Christmas break. I know this because my online game servers are just chock full of high school students. Thanks to them I now know important things such as anyone who disagrees with you is clearly a noob, co-operative dialogue can be replaced with volume, and that “gay” can be used as a verb.
I weep for the future.
So to honor these delightful seasonal opponents I present a list of things that you cannot do in High School.
(Submitted by an anonymous young lady who fears that her principal may look at this site.)
1. Don’t sneak into the principal’s office and “fix” the Friday memo.
2. Or replace his photo of his wife with Bill Gates.
3. Or draw boobies on his desk with permanent marker.
4. Don’t print SPAR (Smart People Against Religion) posters with the printer in the resource room.
5. Especially if your P.E. teacher is Baptist, and the extra balls are stored in there.
6. Especially if the computers store records of what was printed by who, and when.
7. Don’t draw boobies on security cameras. (They didn’t have lights, so I assumed they were off.)
8. Don’t spellcheck the yearbook.
9. Even if I was dared.
10. Even if I was offered money.
11. Don’t use spray starch on vending machines’ coin slot.
12. Don’t tell a clueless bully that vaginas have teeth.
13. Don’t ask him for his lunch money.
14. Don’t wear a “mikey effin way” shirt to school. (And I spent $10 on it at a thrift store, too.)
15. Don’t play with Superglue and the teacher’s coffee cup.
16. Don’t snap off Barbie heads and leave them in the soil for the archeology activity.
17. Don’t play Doom in computer class.
18. Don’t use the onscreen keyboard in the same.
19. Don’t point out that the science teacher is a VERY stupid Christian who told the class to pray to God to forgive us after we opened our anatomy books to page 74. (male reproductive organs.)
20. Don’t ask the librarian if they have a copy of the Anarchist’s Cookbook anywhere. (They don’t, trust me.)
21. Don’t release three (barking) dogs labeled 1, 2, and 4 into the school. (And hide cassette recorders all over the place with nothing but barking noises.)
22. Don’t replace a movie about the digestive system with lesbian porn. (Unless its Bill Nye.)
23. Don’t fill a sex doll with helium and put it in the gym. (I hid it in a pile of clothes at a thrift store.)
24. Don’t ever sign graffiti in the art room. (Even though it’s art.)
25. Don’t spam from school computers.
26. Don’t spam school computers.
27. My rights to taking my laptop to school can be revoked.
28. My rights to be in the hallways between classes can be revoked.
29. So can my locker privileges. (They see me putting beer bottles filled with Pepsi into it one more time, I’m screwed.)
30. Don’t glue a condom over the taps in the washroom.
31. Don’t put panties in the gym teacher’s bag.
32. Or the principal’s chair.
33. Or the garbage can in the hallway.
34. Or the vending machines.
35. Don’t replace “Stevie the Two-Headed Snake” with a Cabbage Patch head.