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Time For New Items

August 18th, 2008 by skippy

After a brief hiatus we’ve got more military items again.

(Submitted by Andrew)

  • I am not “God and King” over the base networks Electrocons and will not wage war on the Protocons
  • The computers are not spying on the junior enlisted
  • The computers are not spying on the senior enlisted
  • The computers are not spying on the officers
  • Computers of and in themselves are not capable of spying at all
  • Will not use Photoshop to enlarge a SNCO’s head
  • Will not email above picture to all lower enlisted on base with the subject “Real photo of <name omitted>’s Ego”
  • Will not rename the SIPR as SIPpy so the officers will feel “More at home”
  • Will not use official government computers, spare parts, tools and parking lots to build a battle robot
  • *Will not use above battle robot to “enforce parking regulations” on other branches of the service
  • *Will not attach a fully loaded M16A2 to above battle robot to “make it more imposing”
  • Will not use forklifts to “re-park” unauthorized vehicles
  • Will not use government assets to build a “beer trebuchet” even if it is really cool to fling a can of beer over 200 yards
  • Will not feed the badgers left over meat from the barbeques
  • Will not post fake warning signs on government devices
  • Will not use above beer trebuchet to fling bottled sodas
  • Will not play “CD Frisbee” between the 3rd floors of separate buildings
  • Will not write my ex-wife’s name on weapons qualification targets
  • Will not bring my own “M16A2” for weapons qualification
  • Will not use government assets to build a “fully functioning scale model of a WWI gatling gun”
  • Will not test the “armor capabilities” of occupied vehicles with scale model WWI gatling gun.
  • Will not test the “armor capabilities” of unoccupied vehicles with scale model WWI gatling gun.
  • Will not use the Howitzer as a drum, ever if it has “great acoustics”
  • Will always check direction of fire from T-Shirt cannon to ensure it does not fire a baseball through the Base CO’s closed window.
  • Will not smile and shakes everyone’s hand thanking them profusely for demoting me a rank after scale model of WWI gatling gun incident
  • Will not tell the psyc evaluator “I’m loony as Canadian money”
  • Will not build my own bunker with flood sand bags and declare all land in it as ceded from the union and shall now be called Blargistan
  • Will not use Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes as my name on official forms

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17 Responses to “Time For New Items”

  1. Jinn Says:

    Whoo, first comment!

    Pretty funny, but one question-

    How could you use a Howitzer as a drum?


    barry reply on August 18th, 2008 11:53 am:

    very easily just ask any one in field artillery. i like the whole smile and shake everyone hand that caused my demotion

    combat engineers lead the way!! HOOAH!!!!


    Andrew reply on August 18th, 2008 5:33 pm:

    It’s not that hard. All you have to do is find the nearest two sticks of substantial enough sixe and weight and start beating on the base of the barrel. If you hit it hard enough you get a nice deep metalic booming sound that’ll carry for a few hundered yards, or on a nice clear morning a mile or two.

    Add another to the list:

    Will not show up to a “Luau Family Day” in genuine Hawaiian dress, including drum and fire poi.

    Also as a side note: Fire and grass skirts do not mix well, especially if you are not that good at spinning fire.


    Kenny reply on August 18th, 2008 7:58 pm:

    perhaps one should add
    “Will not teach others how to use a Howitzer as a drum”



    Laura reply on August 20th, 2008 4:42 am:

    Kinda wish I’d been there for the grass skirt & fire incident…

  2. SPC Hyle Says:

    It’s funny, because we had someone hitting the tube for months looking for weak spots.

    He didn’t figure it out forever.


    Tony reply on August 18th, 2008 7:18 pm:

    we used to make the new guys do the “boom test” which basically consisted of them yelling “boom” as loud as they possibly could into the breech. same effect, but i think once you figure out what’s going on you feel dumber if you’ve been yelling as opposed to hitting something.


    SPC Hyle reply on August 19th, 2008 1:59 am:

    That is actually how that guy caught on. He was told to do the boom test, and that’s when it started to click. Slowly…

    We made up a DD form for him to fill out on these things. HE DID IT.


  3. Andrew Says:

    Also, I may write a few columns on a few of the above posted points of reference for those interested.

    Captcha: B1 porkers – Another failed name for the B-1 Lancer


  4. Chris Says:

    Photos of the battle robot?

    Photos of the beer trebuchet would be nifty also, but the robot was the most impressive item in the list.


  5. Andrew Says:

    The battle robot was sadly dismantled. I’ll tell the story behind that some time soon.


  6. Collin Says:

    So what did the “WWI Gatling Gun Scale Replica” work? And if it did what size was it and did it shoot anything? Sorry, I’m a mech eng and now I read about it I just gotta know about it.

    Captcha: Riving Education – …I got nothing


    Andrew reply on August 19th, 2008 8:20 pm:

    Yes it did work. We had to use the breach and loading mechanism from an MG-42 so it fired a 44 cal. rifle round.

    Captcha: $4,500,000 steep – The cost to fill my gas tank


  7. GunRunner Says:

    Demoted for ingenuity…No wonder ya wanna wage war on the Protocons

    Captcha = disapproval fence – That which prevents the computers from spying on trebuchet builders/users.


  8. Kade Silverwind Says:

    is that fist one a reference to Torak from the Belgariad and the Malloreon


  9. David B Says:

    I have to hear the stories between the 3rd floor CD Frisbee game, the result of the battle robot, and the Gatling gun incident!


    David B reply on March 13th, 2014 3:25 pm:

    Sorry, I meant I have to hear the stories BEHIND the incidents.


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