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Archive for August 5th, 2008

Insert Seamen Joke Here

Tuesday, August 5th, 2008

No shit, there we were on board the United States Ship A. Nonymous, deployed in support of Operation Enduring Freedom. As many of you know, the Navy sends our ships out for six or more months at a time to support operations world wide. During those six months you’re likely to pull into port 3-48 times depending on you ship type, mission, deployment area, prevailing wind, and whatever the aliens are broadcasting on their space beams that day. As it was, we had been underway for over 50 days, and sailors being sailors (and humans) shipmates started to look more attractive. Long cruises have a similar effect to large amounts of alcohol in this regard.

There was a sailor in my branch who we’ll call Seaman Butterface. While I doubt she saw much action when other opportunities were available, she was apparently quite popular once we had been out to sea for a while. Seaman Butterface’s Chief (E-7 for you Army dogs) and Leading Petty Officer (E-6) heard some rustling in the film locker while inspecting an adjoining space five days before our next port call. They attempted to open the hatch, but found it locked. Fortunately as they owned the space, the chief had a key.

He opened the space and they saw Seaman Butterface laying on a couple of life preservers wearing only her uniform blouse and scrambling to get her pants back on. The Chief and LPO also saw the escape scuttle (a small hatch about the size of a manhole used for evacuation in the event the main hatch was blocked by fire flooding etc.) closing. They hurried over to the scuttle but were unable to determine who else had been in the space.

As having sex with your shipmates is contrary to good order and discipline and against the CO’s standing orders, Butterface was scheduled for Captain’s Mast.

Captains Mast is like an Article 15 for you Army types. For civilians, it’s like getting sent to the principal’s office, except with the threat of financial loss, hard labor, or jail. – skippy

Before a case can go to mast it has to pass through the Discipline Review Board (DRB), where senior enlisted verbally berate the offending sailor, and Executive Officer Investigation (XOI) in which the XO chews the sailor out. During both of these grueling procedures Butterface maintained that she was alone and refused to answer any other questions.

I was the branch legal officer and I attended mast along with the Captain, command Judge Advocate General, a couple of master at arms, the legal secretary, Butterface, her LPO, Chief, and Division Officer.

The CO, who we’ll call Captain Prude, paused uncomfortably any time he heard anything that offended his overdeveloped Puritan sensibilities. He looked over the facts of the case, looked over her statements at DRB and XOI and then gave her the senior officer glare. He leaned over the podium and said “Seaman Butterface, you have maintained throughout this investigation that you were alone in that film locker but have not accounted for why you were…half naked. I demand to know what you were doing in there if you weren’t having… relations with one of your shipmates.”

Butterface cleared her throat, looked the old man straight in the eyes and said “Well sir, when I masturbate I moan really loud, and I didn’t want to disturb the other girls in my berthing, so I went to the film locker.”

Captain prude turned beet red with embarrassment and summarily dismissed the case. Butterface remained on board for the rest of her 4 year tour and was promoted twice before leaving.