I Think I Need A Pet Snake Now
This is to clarify my thoughts on a variety of subjects.
First the guest writers thing.
Guest writers, even regular ones, like Michiel and Lt. Roland, do not always represent my opinions. I pretty much let anyone who writes funny material post stuff up. So just because I let someone make a post that covers the subject of, say, global warming, doesn’t mean that I believe global warming is a fact. Heck I don’t even think most readers thought that. But in the interests of equal time, if someone has a funny bit against global warming, I’ll run it.
Heck maybe we can convince this other writer to hold a comedic debate of the subject. Almost like a trial by funny.
Some people might think this sounds an awful lot like that TV show “The Root of All Evil”. To those people I eloquently respond, “Nuh uh! Shut up! I hate you!”
Now I know with the amount of people I get reading this site, and people being what they are, folks are going to assume that everything expressed on here is my opinion. And being that I am both shallow and tremendously insecure, I care very deeply about what strangers on the Internet think about me.
And so I am going to clarify several of my beliefs real fast to avoid any such problems in the future.
My opinions on-
1) Global warming: The jury is out, as far as I’m concerned. There is peer reviewed data supporting both sides of the argument. The Earth is warmer. Some scientists think the evidence supports green-house issues. Others think its part of the suns natural fluctuations. In order for me to believe that someone knows for sure exactly how much different the earth’s current temperature is from around a two hundred years ago, I’d have to believe that someone had accurate global data from that time.
I suspect its worse than the heads of industry would have you believe, but better than the companies that stand to benefit from it claim. That’s because I think that people will lie to you if they can get something out of it.
2) The War: I’m sure everyone knows which one. I think that our country shouldn’t have started it, and that people in charge deliberately mishandled information as a justification for it. That said, it doesn’t matter why we went into Iraq. We’re there now, and we’ve leveled a big chunk of their country. Its our responsibility to stabilize it. Our government did it, and we elected our government. So its our fault. Even if you voted for the other guy. Because you clearly didn’t try hard enough to defeat the guy in office now.
3) War protesters: Its okay to dislike the war. Heck you can hate it. You can even actively campaign to end it. All of those things are just fine with me. Furthermore, doing these things has no intrinsic effect on the status of your loyalty to this country, or the level of support you have for our troops. You can simultaneously respect our soldiers and protest how the government uses them.
That said, many anti-war protesters don’t bother trying to be respectful. That’s their right I guess. But I think less of them for it.
4) Politics In General: Politicians are bad people. Just in case anyone reading this is slow:
POLITICIANS…….ARE…..BAD….PEOPLE.
The way our system works is that a company, or a special interest group, bribe the politician to change, or enforce a law, and then everyone pretends that isn’t what just happened. All pretense of morality, justice, fair play, or decency is just the most superficial of veneers. A cunning disguise to better help them prey upon you. They don’t care about you, they don’t like you, and they would probably be willing to murder you in your sleep for less money than you make in a month.
The only difference between Republicans and Democrats is which half of the Bill of Rights they want to ignore. Republicans seems to hate the odd numbered ones, while Democrats don’t appear to be too fond of the even ones. That said, I dislike the current crop of folks in power because they can’t even be bothered to lie convincingly.
And to all people that act as if their particular candidate is above all this: you’re being stupid. They’re just pretending because they think it will fool you into supporting them. And evidently they were right.
5) Small Yappy Dogs That Wear Sweaters: I know that these are not particularly controversial. But I just fucking hate those things. Unless they are being used as “feeder dogs” by someone that has a pet Python. That would be awsome. “Yo quiero ser comido por una serpiente!”
Did I forget anything?
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July 16th, 2008 at 10:24 am
In b4 hating
Captcha inches 18. Yes, yes it is.
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Minty reply on July 16th, 2008 11:26 am:
Remind me to remain on the other side of the room as you at all times, should SkippyCon ever happen.
Captcha: “Following his presidency, George W. Bush would ‘later Gowan’ to receive the Nobel Prize in Literature for his stirring autobiographical poem, ‘The Achievements I Achieved’.”
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Stickfodder reply on July 16th, 2008 12:30 pm:
If there ever was a SkippyCon would it just a bunch of us meeting up in a big city and hanging out or be a real convention in a convention hall, and if it were the latter would it be based around comedy? military stuff? gaming? geeky stuff? or a mixture of all the above?
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A B reply on July 16th, 2008 4:42 pm:
If there ever were a SkippyCon, I’d be the one in the Katamari outfit. :)
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ArchaicDome reply on July 16th, 2008 8:41 pm:
I wonder how hard it would be to make a squid costume… ?
Stickfodder reply on July 17th, 2008 1:26 am:
If anyone wears a costume that inhibits their sight I’ll be the one tormenting them from behind. Its nothing personal it’s just a habit left over from when I was a little kid. My favorite part of Chuck E. Cheese’s wasn’t the games, wasn’t the food it was running around annoying the guy in the guy mouse suit.
Michiel reply on July 18th, 2008 1:03 pm:
I’ll be the undead furry in the kaffeyah protesting global warming.
Scott reply on July 19th, 2008 4:40 am:
And here I thought it would take place at a bar.
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Minty reply on July 19th, 2008 5:28 am:
Yeah, that’s kind of how I pictured it, too.
Stickfodder reply on July 19th, 2008 7:44 am:
It can still take place at a bar. But apparently some of us will be wearing costumes.
Stickfodder reply on July 19th, 2008 10:09 am:
Ok where the hell is this conversation right now and how did we get here? I think were lost. now lets backtrack and get back on topic.
Stickfodder reply on July 19th, 2008 10:11 am:
thats totally not where i posted that
Scott reply on July 19th, 2008 12:40 pm:
Which is what makes it twice as funny.
Maven reply on July 26th, 2008 3:16 am:
Well, they tore down the Flying Tomato, so that’s out.
July 16th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Thanks, it’s good to know where you stand on the important issues, but what about those pictures going around the internet with the cute kittens and the bad grammar/spelling? Stupid or funny? Also which do you think is the superior rifle: the M-16 or the AK-47? And of course: Red Sox or Yankees (even though Tampa has been more of a bitch this year)?
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July 16th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Ok in response to #2 I wasn’t old enough to vote the last two times so don’t you go blaming me blame my parents for not having me sooner. And as for #4 Skippy and Michael In 2008!
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July 16th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
No dont put Michiel in charge. Our women would not be safe.
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ArchaicDome reply on July 16th, 2008 8:42 pm:
I would be. :)
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Michiel reply on July 18th, 2008 1:07 pm:
True, a “female Republican Christian veteran” is not exactly my type, but then again, stranger things have happened. Maybe it would be one of those angry sex kind of things.
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ArchaicDome reply on July 18th, 2008 6:42 pm:
I was actually commenting on my attractiveness, but if my values get me angry sex, then that’s what I was talking about…
Michiel reply on July 18th, 2008 1:05 pm:
As correct as you are, they would be in even greater danger from Skippy. Seriously, I never could figure out how that guy did it.
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ArchaicDome reply on July 18th, 2008 6:43 pm:
Duh. He’s *skippy*. What’s to figure?
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Minty reply on July 19th, 2008 5:33 am:
Never underestimate the power of smartass humor on women’s panties. Gravity is an asthmatic by comparison.
Captcha: “patriotic relation.” Or maybe it’s just the whole ‘man in a uniform thing.’
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skippy reply on July 19th, 2008 7:45 am:
Well, I certainly am a funny fucker.
Stickfodder reply on July 19th, 2008 10:13 am:
Ok where the hell is this conversation right now and how did we get here? I think were lost. now lets backtrack and get back on topic.
This is where this is supposed to be posted
skippy reply on July 19th, 2008 10:23 am:
No, I want to keep talking about my magical powers over women’s underwear.
Stickfodder reply on July 19th, 2008 11:19 am:
Ok but only if you share your magical secrets
July 17th, 2008 at 3:35 am
re #4 and the politicians:
My favorite author (Robert A. Heinlein, for the curious) once wrote about the way you tell an honest politician: that’s a politician who when you buy him, he STAYS bought!
captcha: cement ferret?!?
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July 17th, 2008 at 8:42 am
The thing about war protestors that really pisses me off is when they star their protests as a soldier’s funeral. There is a time and a place for protesting and that is NOT at the funeral for a man who died while serving his country. Regardless of who he was or what he did. Those protestors should be taken out back and beaten with a barb-wire wrapped two by four.
captcha: posing covering….wtf?
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July 17th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
death to yappy dogs might actually make me like snakes!
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July 17th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
i always found it amusing that old quote about democracy:
“Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.”
yet in it’s own way it’s as bad as all the others only you have the illusion of choice where the government you elect are concerned.
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July 19th, 2008 at 1:16 am
“Small Yappy Dogs That Wear Sweaters: I know that these are not particularly controversial. But I just fucking hate those things. Unless they are being used as “feeder dogs” by someone that has a pet Python. That would be awsome. “Yo quiero ser comido por una serpiente!”
I would rather you fed (some of) their owners to the Snake. Of course Breast implants , collogen injections, and whatever other chemicals these Celebutants may have in their systems may be harmful to the snake. I read somewhere that Paris Hilton alone has like 21 of the little rat dogs. But then again, Paris and her entire yelping pack of chalupa dogs wouldnt have enough digestable protein to feed one decent sized boa constrictor for more than a few days.
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Tony reply on July 19th, 2008 1:50 am:
yeah but you have to factor in all the protein that paris has had injected into her over the years.
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Minty reply on July 19th, 2008 5:39 am:
Shouldn’t that be more like “swallowed over the years?”
And personally, I agree with feeding the owners to the snake. With the right environment, chihuahuas can be respectable–even fearsome–dogs. And don’t worry about the effect of silicon implants on snakes. Those puppies are designed so well they wouldn’t collapse if dropped into the deepest abyss of the ocean. By comparison, anacondas are only just strong enough to crush your average school bus. A boa constrictor should be just fine. ^.^
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Minty reply on July 20th, 2008 4:52 am:
Excuse me, I should have said “python,” though the original Completely Unnecessary Fun Fact for the Day still holds true.
Captcha: “Among herrings.” Not particularly relevant, and I can’t think of something clever to say, but it’s still a cool phrase.
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July 20th, 2008 at 4:50 am
“Well, I certainly am a funny fucker.”
Oh, the punning! How sore is my knee from all the slapping. . .
Stickfodder: “Ok but only if you share your magical secrets”
I think the point I was trying to make to Michiel was that the only reason Skippy might be more successful at picking up women (according to him; I haven’t gone on a bar crawl with the two to make my own judgment) is because of humor. Ergo, Skippy’s only magic secret is that he is funny. Get yourself some funny, and you’re golden.
Okay, maybe “golden” isn’t the right word. “Brass” might be better, as in “he’s sure got a lot of brass.” It’s a bit old-fashioned, I know. Anyway, work on those jokes, and your Victoria Secret collection will increase exponentially. I promise.
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Stickfodder reply on July 20th, 2008 12:46 pm:
I’m actually pretty funny in person but it’s that kind of creepy off putting “let’s just be friends” causing sort of funny. But I’m only 20 and haven’t gotten to go bar crawling yet so hay who knows, I guess I’ll find out in September.
Captcha “Florists Bash” I bet that it would have some killer floral center pieces for the tables.
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Minty reply on July 21st, 2008 4:27 am:
Ooh. That sucks (the funny, not the 20 years old). Oh, well, [insert inane reassurance here].
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July 22nd, 2008 at 1:46 am
About the chihuahua’s and yappy dogs. Rather than having you pet boa make yapping noises and bounce around until the dog is digested I think we should pack them all in crates and send em to Alaska. Follow me on this. They already have evidence of eagles grabbing small dogs for food (google Eagle eats dog Valdez if you want more proof) and wolves eat them too. And since wolves and eagles are endangered we’d be providing a food source for these magnificent animals who would rapidly become mans best friend for eliminating said nuisances. But I know… what if there are no eagles or wolves around. Well the bears eat them too and those things are everywhere in Alaska. The only drawback would be if one of these tiny yappy footballs with four legs managed to impregnate one of the wolves.
“Awooooooo..yap..yap..yap…”
Captcha: taxpayer elevator… No big business or politicians allowed… (and it kinda rhymes too…)
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Stickfodder reply on July 23rd, 2008 7:10 am:
Umm you’ve never seen a Chihuahua in real life before have you they are tiny and almost hairless if you stuck them in Alaska they would freeze to death before any predator found them.
And just for the record they don’t shiver because they’re cold they’re just fucked up that way, seriously wrap the fuckers up in a blanket they just keep shaking (although if you take that blanket with them in it and hit it against a wall a few times they stop, they may twitch a little but that sops after a while)
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October 9th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
I have a pet python named Infidel.
But he’s not yet big enough to eat anything larger than a small mouse.
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