Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Claymation Zombies!

Follow

As an American, one thing I have gotten used to is the fact that people in England always want to copy us. They started by copying our democratic system of government, and then moved on to TV shows. Soon programs like The Weakest Link, The Office, and Dr. Who had been seized, and translated out of their native tongue and into what they like to call “The Queens English”. Its just like our English, except that its spelled funny, they cuss wrong, and use proper grammar.

Well now they’ve gone an Anglo-morphed my list.

Here is the result, as transcribed by one of their medics.

(Submitted by Stitch)

1. Not allowed to phone out for pizza while on exercise.
2. Not allowed to sell moonshine.
3. Not allowed to feign bleeding during a drugs test.
4. My corps badge is the Rod of Aesclepius, not “the SnakeStick.”
5. Not allowed to run a book on racing the very same cockroaches we don’t officially have!
6. Not allowed to invent medical conditions.
7. Not allowed to sneak back in under the barbed wire at three in the morning.
8. Not allowed to start a gay bar on the camp. This applies in conjunction with #2
9. If I am gonna be mistaken for a guy, must not get caught “sneaking” into the women’s accommodation.
10. See 9: When caught, “I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body” is not a reasonable defence.
11. Not allowed a mohawk.
12. Not authorized to issue “beer tokens.”
13. Not mine: Not allowed to head-butt vending machines, even if it did steal a pound.
14. Not allowed to play “human bowling.”
15. Medicine balls are not appropriate equipment for playing dodgeball.
16. A live adder is not appropriate equipment for playing dodgeball.
17. Not mine: Must not leave a still running while away on exercise…BOOM!
18. “How the fuck do you even tie your shoes?” is not motivational.
19. Not allowed to get in fights in town.
20. Not allowed to practice medicine “off the books.”
21. If your disease sounds strange and Stitch diagnosed it you’re probably being had! (See Skippy #213)
22. Not allowed to play companies off one another.
23. Not authorized to administer “mob justice.”
24. See 23: Even for something sickening.
25. Not authorized to administer military discipline.
26. Not authorized to promote teddy bears above my own rank.
27. Not allowed to leave a teddy bear on sentry.
28. Must not show up to a staff parade dressed as a ninja turtle.
29. Must not show up to a staff parade dressed as a drag queen.
30. Must not show up to a staff parade in nothing but my boots and a hat.
31. Must not sneak prostitutes onto the base.
32. Rubbing the inside of a respirator with Deep Heat is evil.
33. Rubbing my face with baking soda before entering the respirator test chamber is cheating!
34. Not mine: Must not receive fellatio from a resuscitation doll.
35. Mine: Must not be the first person to train on said doll.
36. Not allowed to get anything pierced.
37. Not allowed a facial tattoo.
38. APC’s are not for taking a girlfriend in.
39. The night medic should refrain from turning drinks “Irish”, even if she’s freezing her arse off!
40. Not allowed to do “funny shit” with tritium paint.

Also, I like the word Anglo-morph. Anglo-morph sounds like it should be a monster that Godzilla would fight. A giant very polite city crushing monstrosity, with bad teeth. It’s probably looking for tea. I hear they like tea.

Like a 300 foot tall Eddie Izzard with atomic fire breath.

Um, I’ll stop now.

Follow

So the other day my wife sent me the following link: NSFW

Go ahead an take a look, I’ll wait.

Ready? Good.

Now this nice lady has gone and made a list of the things that she doesn’t like to see in porn. And since I kind of have a thing about lists, I thought I would help her out, by making my own list.

Things That Skippy Doesn’t Want To See In Porn

1. Marilyn Monroe (Before you say anything, bear in mind she’s been dead for around thirty years)
2. Andy Dick
3. Any of the Muppets
4. Weasels
5. A Pterodactyl
6. Clowns (Even though you could get 20 of them in the back seat of a tiny car)
7. Daleks
8. My Grandparents
9. Any form of Lol-speak
10. Limericks, iambic pentameter, or haiku
11. Non-Euclidean Geometry
12. Product Placements
13. Fan-fic
14. Subliminal Advertising
15. Festive citrus, a female wash pot, or females sharing a cup

Follow

There is something that has been bothering me for a while now. I think that now is as good a time as any to get it out.

Iä Iä C’thulu ftagn

Iä Ph’nglui mglw’nafh

Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn

Iä Shub-Niggurath n’sawp tk’li

Ya Shub-Niggurath K’n-yan Cybele Exham

Exham Shub-Niggurath io p’ag gof’nn hupadgh

Iä Tsathoggua naf’k y’el p’ag Dholes

Ya Tsathoggua Yaddith Eibon Yuggoth

Yuggoth k’el gurath io Byatis

Iä Azathoth g’ta k’teel

Ya Azathoth gof’nn Nyarlathotep

Nyarlathotep p’ag N’gi

Iä Yog-Sothoth p’ael Yibb-Tstll

Ya Yog-Sothoth s’slo Tawil At-U’mr

Tawil At-U’mr s’slo Aforgomon

Iä Idh-yaa pyg’nn C’thulu

Ya Idh-yaa m’threo n’sawp

N’Sawp Ghatanothoa n’sawp Ythogtha

Iä Idh-yaa pyg’nn C’thulu

Ya Idh-yaa m’threo n’sawp

N’Sawp Zoth-Ommog n’sawp Cthylla

Iä Dagon gof’nn C’thulu

Ya Dagon S’othis Thoosa

Thoosa p’ag C’thulu

Iä Iä C’thulu ftagn

Spoiler Alert: You should probably not have read any of that out loud.

Follow

In my day when military personnel got bored, they made lists of things that they weren’t supposed to do.

Nowadays these kids have their newfangled interwebs, tubes, and digital video recorders. And they make videos and put them online.

And then their chain of command gets all upset and everybody involved gets into trouble.

It turns out that fighter pilot’s balls are more controversial than you would have thought.

Here is the video
(NSFW)

And here is the story of what happened over it.

Follow

It’s that time of the week again, when I show off some more things that our various servicemen can’t do. This time the entire list is courtesy of SPC Jason Greco.

• Not allowed to order chloroform

• Not allowed to cut a lock because I’m too lazy to walk back and get the key

• I am not a Government Slave

• Not allowed to use privates to test the validity of an MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet)

• I should not barricade my Platoon SGT’s door with water bottles.

• No longer allowed to refer to Marines as “Targets”

• No longer allowed to call a deployment a “Field Trip”

• Hitting another soldier with a frozen fish in the Commissary will get you kicked out

• No longer allowed to tag things with the phrase “Army Smart”

• I am not allowed in areas that require a security clearance, even if I have one

• Not allowed to claim a crowbar as my weapon

• Not allowed to use military vehicles for an “Ice cream run”

• It is optional to participate in “Man Love Thursday” if you are higher ranking than I am

• I am not the juggernaut

• I am required to wear underwear to PT formation

• Not allowed to build anything without supervision

• Not allowed to order prosthetic testicles

• Not allowed to order things “just because I want one”

• Not allowed to run a sex toy business while deployed

• Not allowed to wear a cape to work

• Black Hawk mechanics are not “crash test dummies”

• The other 0.1% do not work here

• Snowball fights are not authorized on the flight line

• Not allowed to buy anyone, especially Local Nationals.

• I should not test how sharp my knife is on living things

• “I can find things to do” is not the correct response when asked what I’m doing

• Not allowed to shoot cigarettes out of soldier’s mouths

• Mardi Gras beads are not allowed in the Dining Facility

• No longer allowed to wear a cape while driving a convertible military vehicle

• My kevlar is not a pimp hat and I’m not allowed to put a feather in it

• A $1000 piece of equipment does not make a good ash tray

• Mohawks are not authorized haircuts

• I am not allowed to boycott our CSM

• Not allowed to attach mullet wigs to hard hats with super glue

• Not allowed to order a new aircraft from supply, even if the one on the flight line is broken

• “Playboy: The Mansion” is not an authorized military program

• Not allowed to build a statue of myself using Government resources.

• Not allowed to replace my rifle with a baseball bat, even if it does have the same serial number, butt number, a sling and a magazine attached to it.

Follow

Just a quick reminder before I commence the list. I am still accepting funny military stories from guest authors. So if you have any humorous stories, impotent anecdotes, anesthetist or confessions, impotent go ahead and send them in. If you request it I can even post them without any identifying information in case you are still serving with people who did not find your story particularly amusing.

(Submitted By Hector Rojasalvarado)

• Not allowed to borrow gear from the army barracks for “White Trash Drinking Day”

• Rojas isn’t allowed to take “1400 Siestas” because he says he’s ‘Latino”

• We aren’t allowed to have “DVDA Auditions” at the barracks anymore.

• Rojas is not allowed to talk about DVDA anymore.

• We aren’t allowed to fortify the barracks for the upcoming “Zombie Invasion”

• Can’t list Chuck Norris facts on the morning briefs.

• Not allowed to take reporters from London to interview hookers on hooker hill.

(Submitted By Garret Harvey)

• Do not put in a special request chit for admiral’s pay and when asked why say it was so you could afford the “good” hookers.

• Do not go to a bar and ask if they take ration cards.

(Submitted By SGT B)

• When having to go through DECON, using a sharpie to draw the “Kilroy was Here” face at my belt line is not the best idea.

• *Nor is “Property of 1SG” with arrows to my nipples.

• Not allowed to urinate messages onto the ground so they may be seen by the pilots above using thermal imaging.

• Must not use the pamphlet printer to make “Wet Burka Night with 1/2 off Chai” posters.

• I will not use the excuse “Dont worry I saw it on The Unit”.

• A little guy plus a KPOT does not constitute a “breaching tool”.

(Submitted By Don Gulas)

• My buddy was spontaneously ordered not to retrieve his scorpion from the fight when it was losing—badly—.

• Shooting the platoon sergeant after being given the order to kill them all is bad (thank the pentagon for MILES gear Mr. Platoon SGT!)

• Asking the Mess Daddy for an MRE (while in the chow line) does not make him smile. It has been know to ruin you first hot meal in 2 weeks.

• Tankers do not drive like Miss Daisey (no matter what you see).

• Inverting a Soldiers name and title just so you can call him “Sweet Seaman” is not an official name change. It MUST be on a DA Form 4187 and approved by the commander first.

• You should not be present when the commander receives said 4187, and do not try to offer any explanation at the time of questioning.

Follow

Well it took me forever, but I have finally started adding to the Friends of Skippy List once again.

(Submitted By SSG Lorraine A. Morrison)

• Do not order boot MP’s to take a larceny report from MSG Ramen at the commissary. They will wander around for hours before they realize that MSG Ramen is a soup

• Do not send buck privates to the motor pool for one gallon of frequency grease.

(Submitted By Brian Hunter)

• Not allowed to label flu season tissues as biological warfare agents.

• Must not label the Texas Chili MRE as chemical warfare.

• Even if it could be used as such.

• Not allowed to start a music act called Run-DMZ.

(Submitted By Chris Jacka)

• Bright colored g-strings are not an acceptable form of underwear for a layout before a FTX.

• It is also not advised to then take said garments on said FTX and come out of the tent while snowed in wearing only a watch cap, boots and silver g-string and run around the mortar.

• Lastly, NEVER, EVER, greet the new E-3 fresh from the Ranger Battalion while wearing a gold g-string and combat boots and gently ask him if he needs anything.

(Submitted By Jessica Hoeting)

• I’m not a ninja, and they CAN see me

(Submitted By CPL Ian Yee -Who was a very busy lad)

• Hedonism is not an army authorized religion. Therefore I’m not allowed to build a church, cult, or donation box for the Church of Hedonism. Nor can I be the chaplain of said church.

• “Surprise Sex” or “Ambush Sex” is not a valid substitute for the phrase “sexual assault”.

• “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” is the army’s policy for gays, not an appropriate response when asked by your chain of command why you showed up to formation in your underwear.

• You may not refer to members of your chain of command as the “weakest link”.

• You also may not hold a vote to decide which member of your chain of command you can “boot off the island”.

• CLP is used to lubricate weapons. Not for personal use.

• The Air Force is a service, not how hard you blow up your inflatable “significant other”.

• Your dog does not count as immediate family, therefore you cannot use that as a reason to go home on emergency leave.

• Do not bang the bottom of a Mk 19 round and attempt to play football with it.

• Especially in front of your chain of command.

• Especially when you’re throwing it to your chain of command.

• “Hooyah Master Chief” is not an appropriate way to respond to any army officer.

• Work is not a valid allergy to put on your medical records. Neither is BS, officers, NCO’s, or latrine duty.

• Just because you say you’re allergic to latrines does not give you permission to piss anywhere you want. The Sergeant Major’s flower bed thanks you.

• Do not try to speed in your humvee and use the excuse “I needed to go 88 mph to achieve 1.21 jiggawatts Sir!”

• You may not combine any part of the uniform at any time. Therefore shower shoes, pt shorts, IBA, and beret is not an acceptable duty uniform. No matter how sexy you say you look.

• MySpace is a place for friends, not for posting guard rosters or passing out information to your soldiers.

• It is not appropriate to say the word “asshole” after saying the rank of sergeant major.

• The OPFOR patch is not an authorized combat patch.

• I will not hand out tickets for driving the speed limit.

• I will not replace the COL PARKING ONLY sign with a SPC PARKING ONLY sign.

• Just because you put a handicapped sticker on your humvee doesn’t mean you can take the C.O.’s spot.

• Do not replace all the contents of the first aid kits with water and Motrin.

• CamelBaks are for water, not beer.

• Not everyone in the Navy is called Seamen.

• Also, the proper spelling of Seamen is not semen.

• There is no such thing as Specialist grade article 15’s, so stop handing them out.

• You cannot trade guard shifts with the voices in your head.

• You cannot request Amsterdam, Cancun, or the Playboy Mansion as your preferred duty station.

• Checking out a female is not called “Reconnaissance of friendly lines”.

Follow

I decided to stick with the relationship theme for a while.

I have narrowed down all relationship problems into two issues. All strife in a heterosexual relationship stems from some combination of these two facts.

1: Women are insane.

2: Men are stupid.

Usually it’s both at once.

Women frequently ask questions that they do not really want to know the answers to. Such as “Is that girl pretty? Does this dress make my ass look big? You’d wrestle a shark for me wouldn’t you?” (I once worked with a man who actually got asked the shark one.) Now then, as anyone can point out, asking questions when you know that the answer will make you upset, is crazy.

And men prove their stupidity by actually answering these questions. There are two options when answering these questions. You can tell the truth which case the lady gets angry and the guy is in trouble. Or, we can lie. And they will know that we lied. And then we get in just as much trouble.

I have tried, on these occasions, to plead the fifth. It turns out that you can be forced to incriminate yourself against your wife. Also, torture bans do not so much apply to you.

The only real viable solution seems to be to be some sort of distraction, and then escape. I recommend those smoke capsules that ninjas carry around.

If you are fortunate enough to hang out with another couple, you can adapt a video game technique to get yourself out of these messes. It’s called “Training aggro”.

What you do is wait for your spouse to ask one of those loaded questions. Then, no matter what the question is, point at the other guy and say “Weren’t you just telling me about that?” Then when the women are busy ripping him apart you escape. You’d think that my male friends would be expecting this, but as I’ve pointed out, men are stupid.

Follow

My Sister-in-law has been diagnosed with Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension.

According to her neurologist she needs a shunt put into her skull. If she doesn’t get this operation she will go blind. Not as in “Someday you will lose some vision”, but more like “Sometime next month you will permanently lose all use of your eyes”. Eventually, without the proper treatment she could eventually die.

Fortunately she is in better shape than a lot of people who have serious medical problems. She has a supporting family, she and her husband have well paying jobs, and most importantly she has good health insurance.

Unfortunately what she does not have is a neurosurgeon. Every single time she finds one she is immediately informed they “don’t deal with pseudotumor patients”.

She literally can’t get a doctor to save her life.

No one will go into details, but we’re pretty sure that the qualified surgeons are skittish because any brain operation is risky. And Americans have become a very litigious people. Medical lawsuits have gotten to be so bad that in my state there are no more practicing neurosurgeons. All of my friends with kids have problems getting pediatricians, because people really get lawsuit crazy when their kids are involved.

So anyhow according to Google ads, lots and lots of people read my blog. Do any of you happen to be neurosurgeons? Do any of you know one that isn’t a giant pansy?
Heck I’d be willing to settle for incriminating photographs at this point.

There isn’t a punch line today. This is an inherently unfunny situation, and I could really use some help locating some medical help for this.

Later this weekend I’ll make up for this by writing about inflatable sheep or something.

Update:  We found a doctor.  Thanks for all of the leads.

Follow