Women are from earth. Men are also from earth.
I decided to stick with the relationship theme for a while.
I have narrowed down all relationship problems into two issues. All strife in a heterosexual relationship stems from some combination of these two facts.
1: Women are insane.
2: Men are stupid.
Usually it’s both at once.
Women frequently ask questions that they do not really want to know the answers to. Such as “Is that girl pretty? Does this dress make my ass look big? You’d wrestle a shark for me wouldn’t you?” (I once worked with a man who actually got asked the shark one.) Now then, as anyone can point out, asking questions when you know that the answer will make you upset, is crazy.
And men prove their stupidity by actually answering these questions. There are two options when answering these questions. You can tell the truth which case the lady gets angry and the guy is in trouble. Or, we can lie. And they will know that we lied. And then we get in just as much trouble.
I have tried, on these occasions, to plead the fifth. It turns out that you can be forced to incriminate yourself against your wife. Also, torture bans do not so much apply to you.
The only real viable solution seems to be to be some sort of distraction, and then escape. I recommend those smoke capsules that ninjas carry around.
If you are fortunate enough to hang out with another couple, you can adapt a video game technique to get yourself out of these messes. It’s called “Training aggro”.
What you do is wait for your spouse to ask one of those loaded questions. Then, no matter what the question is, point at the other guy and say “Weren’t you just telling me about that?” Then when the women are busy ripping him apart you escape. You’d think that my male friends would be expecting this, but as I’ve pointed out, men are stupid.
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January 31st, 2008 at 5:05 am
Wow… that’s incredible! You have friends?!?
*snickers*
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January 31st, 2008 at 5:58 am
God lord have mercy! (rolls eyes) Do you really think we are insane? (Don’t answer that!) Mwahahaha!
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January 31st, 2008 at 6:18 am
*releases smoke in response to Alison*
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January 31st, 2008 at 7:04 am
Damn! Somebody figured it out! Now we’re going to have to develop new ways of screwing with their heads. This time, it won’t just be frustrating, it may well be painful.
Mwahahahahaha
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January 31st, 2008 at 7:53 am
Silly male, the correct answer to ‘is that girl pretty?’ is to feign disinterest, or simply not see her (and claim you’d been distracted wondering how they get their makeup to look so nice every time).
But, now that I’ve told you the answer, it is invalid, as the correct answers to the questions automatically change once someone with unmatching chromozones finds out what they are.
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January 31st, 2008 at 2:56 pm
POP SMOKE We’re being over run, call the copters for emergency evac!!!!
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January 31st, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Say my girlfriend says “Do you think that girl is pretty?”
My technique is to “splinter cell”(choke hold, knock out, hide body) with supreme ninja quickness the lady in question(non lethally) and then be like “What girl? ”
LOL I have personally been asked the questions Skippy returns to and I have learned first hand it is just ASKING for trouble.
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January 31st, 2008 at 4:24 pm
The shark question is also a trap. After all, wrestling a shark that wasn’t gonna DO anything is cruelty to animals. You would need to specify you’d only wrestle it if it were looking like it would attack her (but not if it was just going to attack you).
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February 1st, 2008 at 5:17 am
I had an extremely insecure girlfriend who, with absolutely no evidence, became convinced that I would cheat on her at the first good opportunity. Which isn’t true because I’m not that picky. Anyways, after she dragged me through the mall for what seemed to be the 50th time, she asked me (for the 1,000th time) “Do you think she’s hot?”
Me: “Yeah. Do you want me to get her number for you?”
Her: “No…wait, what?”
Me: “Do you want me to ask her for her number so you can call her and hook up? Because it’s cool you know. If you’re into that…”
Her: “No!… God, NO!… Why would you ask me that?!”
Me: “I just thought maybe you might want to bat for both teams.”
And then, after being asked to leave the mall, she decided that she wouldn’t wait for me to cheat on her before she dumped me.
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Snyarhedir reply on January 28th, 2011 2:20 am:
Good answer, Soothsayer.
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February 1st, 2008 at 10:14 am
Soothsayer, as brilliant as that solution is, it’d only work with hetero girls! You get a bisexual girl and you’re screwed XD Also girls may just turn around and say “Sure!” for the hell of it, because we do like doing that :p
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February 1st, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Nikki, I, as a heterosexual male, fail to see the problem in that.
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Snyarhedir reply on January 28th, 2011 2:22 am:
Gaaaaaah!
Spare me! Take your homosexual romance/sex fetish to someone who enjoys it.
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February 1st, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I’m fairly sure my girl isn’t insane. She’s just a complete sadist. After a couple years with her, I answer questions like “does this make me look fat?” with ‘No’ on reflex.
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February 1st, 2008 at 7:57 pm
nikki just remember, most guys would think watching their bi girlfriend hook up would be a definate bonus! lol.. i’m pretty sure my husband would clean my house for a year to watch that!!
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February 1st, 2008 at 11:22 pm
yeah, in agreement to what parky said, I fail to see how that would be a bad thing.
If my girlfriend ever asks if I’d wrestle a shark for her, I’m taking her to the aquarium and asking the keeper where the shark pens are.
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Snyarhedir reply on January 28th, 2011 2:24 am:
The same goes for you two as well (see reply to Hyle).
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February 2nd, 2008 at 5:52 am
Somewhat agreeing with Soothsayer on insecure gfs, my second ex-gf dumped me barely a month into dating her because she was afraid I would dump her (I’m nice guy! I wouldn’t have done it!)
Of course, the insecurity that caused the problem was that she was engaged at one point and her (then) fiancé moved to Hawai’i and when she went to visit him, she found him making out with some other girl! Needless to say, I hope I don’t ever see the guy, ’cause then his face will get bloody.
And if my current gf asked me to wrestle a shark, I’d probably pull out a plushie shark to wrestle. And I know she’d laugh at it.
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February 2nd, 2008 at 4:54 pm
guys…you EVADE enemy fire easily, “Is that girl pretty?” YOU are pretty. “Would you wrestle a shark for me?” I would wear a wrestling mask.
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February 2nd, 2008 at 5:27 pm
That’s really messed up. I think I may have missed my Intro To Being Female handbook, because I sure as hell don’t understand the logic there.
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February 2nd, 2008 at 10:41 pm
I think it’s amusing that you used the words “trainging aggro”. I the online game that I play, It’s quite common to read in guild chat, “I can’t raid tonight, girlfriend/wife aggro”. It made me smile :D <- see?
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February 3rd, 2008 at 5:26 am
If I asked my boyfriend if he’d wrestle a shark for me I’m 100% sure he’d tell me hell no. XD I’m going to have to buy a shark plushie now and ask if would wrestle that kind of shark
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February 4th, 2008 at 3:48 am
…good points… *gah* men, who needs ’em anyway? XD
One question thuogh (for the men), what if your girlfriend/partner/wife had more fun with the other girl than you?
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February 4th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Question: “Do these jeans make me look fat?”
Suggested answer: “No, I don’t think it’s the jeans.”
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February 4th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
I understand, Sasha! You boys just aren’t dating the right girls.
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February 5th, 2008 at 5:10 am
@ Nikki
If she did, then good for her… if she wants to turn that into a relationship all power to her. If she wants to have a girl on the side, fine. It’s her business. So long as it’s another woman and not another man I’m okay with it… I like to think it’s because I want her to be happy and if she is genuinely attracted to both men and women then she should have the opportunity to indulge that desire… but really it’s because the mental image of my lay-dee with another girl is wonderful in every way. Could it mean I’ll lose my girl? Yep. Chance I’m willing to take for her happiness. But I think it’s very much like at the end of Crooked Little Vein by Warren Ellis (read it!) I just hope, I just want, I just need her to come back to me at the end of the night. If she really feels the need to indulge, alright, but please… come back. Curl up with me at the end of the night.
Also, if she’s having more fun then there’s more I need to learn and I obviously need to sit down and talk to her about what’s good, what’s bad, and such.
Oh, and Emily GF/Wife aggro is common across the board (Or just WoW and GW… I dunno). Although more and more I’m seeing couples gaming together and that makes me smile.
[Insert witty joke here, most likely referencing Transmetropolitan, use your imagination]
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Snyarhedir reply on January 28th, 2011 2:27 am:
TOO MUCH INFORMATION!
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February 6th, 2008 at 6:09 am
While at a busy bar one night my then wife pointed out that I was staring at a woman who had just come in the door. Without missing a beat I replied, “Look at that girl honey, what the hell was she thinking when she picked that outfit!?” My wife blinked twice, said nothing but smiled a little “I’ma get you back for that one” smile. (I noticed several guys nearby nodding thoughtfully)
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February 11th, 2008 at 10:41 am
I recieved an e-mail a while ago entitled “The Man Rules”. Basically it is a set of rules, all labelled “1” for a perfectly good reason, that explain things from a male’s perspective. Two rules relating to this story:
1: If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us about it.
1: If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
Obviously that isn’t the entire list but they are all very true.
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February 11th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
When My wife asks me “does this make me look fat?”
My reply is always “define fat……”
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February 14th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
I usually just scream ‘Trap Question!’ and hope that I can warn someone else before they fall in as well.
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February 14th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Woman are insane, men are stupid. The sky is blue, the Pope is Chatholic. I would’ve though more people would have figure that out. But then again, men are stupid. :P
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February 17th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Ty, your openness to the whole gf hooking up with another girl thing does you credit. But I can tell you’ve never actually tried it. Because it starts out with you thinking how hot it is, and hoping that she’ll come back to you even if she’s having fun. But that ends quickly. If she’s even a little into girls, she’s probably having more fun with the girl than with you, no matter how much she loves you. Girls know how to please girls. So pretty soon you start realizing that you can’t actually keep up, and you get jealous. Then things fall apart. I’ve been there, and I’ve seen it happen with other people as well. Don’t try it.
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February 20th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Considering the number of guys I’ve known who are just SO! TOTALLY! SHOCKED! to find out that the bikini-clad babe on their wall is obviously (really, really obviously) airbrushed and surgically enhanced, I don’t think that asking guys for fashion advice is a good idea. Don’t want to be too sexist or make any statements about ALL guys, but I think that there are a lot of guys who are more…big picture folks. Not always too good with the details.
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February 21st, 2008 at 8:08 am
OneFieldofEvil, You know, I’m absolutely sure you’re right. Even a second’s thought says so but… you know, I would honestly rather know that she was with another girl than find out after the fact? Like really… Fine, if she’s going to leave me. Okay… I think I can accept someone leaving me. Sure I’ll be a jealous prick for a while. But I’d so much rather at least be aware of what’s going on than have her doing things behind my back. I’m a big boy, I can handle rejection but doing something behind my back is something I just cannot stand.
So, while I know you’re right and I may not actively encourage her. If she does decide she really needs to try having sex with another woman. I’m not going to say no… I’m going to say be safe. Because, if I’m honest, she’ll probably do it anyway at some point. And frankly, I’d rather I knew about it and was at least able to make sure she was somewhat safe even if I would lose her. In the end, I suppose I’m a romantic and I’m gonna get hurt. Badly. We’ll see how things go until that happens.
And, of course, you are right. Never tried it. I guess there are advantages to nabbing a shy girl from a part of the country where being openly gay or bi saw you treated like a pariah.
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March 16th, 2008 at 8:01 am
women’s wrestling…
I Googled for something completely different, but found your page…and have to say thanks. nice read….