I’m taking a break tonight due to the holiday of Festivus. I might post again during the week, but don’t count on it. Besides most of you should probably be on some sort of vacation yourselves about now, and probably have better ways to spend it than looking at my web-site. For instance if you are a single man you probably should stop procrastinating and go buy your gifts now.
So I’ll see everyone next week I guess.
It’s time again for the Monday morning update. So just pretend that I wrote something clever as a lead-in and enjoy the humongous list courtesy of Tony.
101 Things You Should Not Do in High School
(Submitted by Tony)
1) “Completion” is not the same thing as “effort”.
2) I should not ask teachers to tell stories about how they accidentally told a student to sleep with them.
3) I cannot call my English teacher by his first name.
4) I cannot call my English teacher “Captain Canada”.
5) Flipping off a security guard behind his back only works when there aren’t any standing behind you.
6) I am not allowed to start any slow claps.
7) I am not allowed to stop any slow claps by shouting Communistic slogans.
8) An “oral examination” is no longer funny, so I should stop snickering at it.
9) When asked to copy a file to the hand in folder, I should not copy any file I want.
10) Writing “Magic = answer” is not an acceptable form of showing your work.
11) The song “Fuck the Police” is not required when discussing the American system of law enforcement.
12) The song “Fuck the Police” should not be sung when the friendly cop comes in to talk to us about drugs.
13) I should not ask cops if they remember me when they come in to talk to us about drugs.
14) Jokes about epilepsy are only funny when the kid who sits next to you has a boyfriend who doesn’t have epilepsy.
15) I should not refer to the security guards as “Die ScheissPolizei” whilst in German class.
16) No, as a matter of fact, you don’t have any rights as a student. Now open your locker so we can search it.
17) Stop fainting in class.
18) My Chemistry professor is “Mrs. Daugherity,” so I should not call her “Teach”.
19) Calling my teacher a “pussy” when he refuses a dare is not OK.
20) Even if the dare was really easy and only a little illegal.
21) I will not call out WASPs during class.
22) When a teacher asks if we have any questions, I should ask questions related to the material, not: “Is there a God?”
23) I may not worship the girl who sits in the adjacent table as a deity.
24) After my teacher tells us the story of how he hit himself in the face with a fire extinguisher, I should not call him a “dumbass”.
25) After my teacher tells us the story of how he hung up his dog’s favorite toy on the ceiling fan, I should not call him a “douche bag”.
26) I am not allowed to reference Lost anymore when writing programs.
27) “Best 2 out of 3” does not apply to essays.
28) When my teacher asks if I read the book over the weekend, I should not respond with raucous laughter.
29) “I can has pass?” is not how you request a trip to the bathroom.
30) Holding hands with a teacher when crossing the street for safety’s sake was my idea, so I should stop screaming when he calls my bluff.
31) I should not write “Vive el Che!” on everything I hand in to my severely anti-communistic programming teacher.
32) I cannot nickname my computer “Stupid bitch”.
33) I cannot suggest that referring to computers only by their numbers is reminiscent of WWII concentration camps.
34) When asked what I want to get out of a class, I should not say I want to learn how to dismantle an atomic bomb.
35) When my teacher comes around to check for homework, she is severely discouraged when I say “Haha don’t bother.”
36) When asked what I want to get out of a class, I should not say “Banana monkey coconut” in a high pitched voice until my teacher can’t make eye contact anymore.
37) There is no re-re-re-re test.
38) I should not expect teachers to receive work when it is slipped under a locked door.
39) Anything with my own blood on it is going to lose points in the future.
40) When my teacher tells us to do it on poster board, he means he doesn’t want it handed in on wrapping paper.
41) I should not keep a running tally of the number of times my teacher says “okay” in one lecture, and then read the results at the end of class, no matter how annoying she sounds.
42) “Happy 4-20!” is not something I should say into the PA at a pep rally.
43) My paper would score higher without all the racist humor.
44) There is only one Messiah, and I am not allowed to suggest that he is the lead singer from Rage Against the Machine.
45) I cannot call Sam Cooke a “badass” just because he was shot.
46) I may not pretend to be eating an invisible hoagie when the security guards check to see if we are eating when we’re not supposed to be.
47) I should not quote 300 in my essays.
48) I should not sing that part from the song Killing in the Name that goes “fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” forty-one times in a row when our teacher gives us instructions.
49) I should not refer to groups as “nap circles”.
50) I should not refer to classroom debates as “angry sing-alongs”.
51) I should not say that the AP test was “the most expensive nap I ever took.”
52) I should not teach my English teacher any gang handshakes.
53) I should not suggest that my German teacher is older than God.
54) I should not sing “Fight For Your Right (To Party)” every Friday whilst in class.
55) When I make eye contact with a teacher, I should not mime the act of murder and narrow my eyes.
56) I should not interrupt class by saying “Look, the groundhogs are back!” whenever the cute little guys come out.
57) I should not threaten the students who chase the groundhogs.
58) My teacher cannot tell me why the revolution was not televised.
59) I should not name everything “Timmy the [adjective][object]”.
60) I cannot suggest that the security guards are attempting to steal Christmas.
61) I cannot suggest that the Asian-American Club is “up to something”.
62) I cannot accuse the Chinese Honors Society of racism when they do not let me in.
63) I cannot have a debate with another teacher about death metal when my teacher is giving a lesson.
64) Repeating a five-minute presentation does not mean I gave a 10-minute presentation.
65) I should not call the other redheads in my class “soulless gingers”.
66) I should not use the word “freshman” as an insult.
67) Freshmen are not “untouchables”.
68) During any hearing and sight test, I should not attempt to dig out my own brain with Q-tips.
69) There is no monster living in the Bunsen Burner.
70) During an oral presentation, I should not break into song.
71) It is never appropriate to attempt to tap dance like the penguins from “Happy Feet”.
72) I am not my teacher’s legitimate father.
73) I should not say that Odysseus was “a few soldiers short of a trireme” and expect my dumbass classmates to understand it.
74) I should not call my classmates dumbasses when they don’t get my joke about triremes.
75) I should not call a Poetry Club meeting a “Sadness-a-thon”, especially when I attend it.
76) I should not call Equestrian Club “My Little Pony Club”.
77) During school photographs, I should not ask for an action shot.
78) I may not use my Student ID as a badge for the fictional “Student Law Enforcement Society”, and I must now apologize to the freshmen I arrested.
79) When giving an oral presentation on The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, my classmates do not need to know what I think about Hannah Montana.
80) I should not use the Promethean board (Like a chalkboard that displays everything on the computer screen) to show that thing on YouTube where Barack Obama rickrolls.
81) The quote does not go: “Those who can, do. Those who teach, suck”.
82) When confronted by security guards, I should not go into “Crane pose”.
83) Standing very still does not stop teachers from seeing you when you are late to class.
84) I should not suggest that my Romanian math teacher will turn into bats and fly out the window.
85) I should not end any presentation with advice if that advice is: “Bro’s before ho’s”.
86) When you insult your teacher in another language, the advantage is lost if he speaks it.
87) I cannot tell teachers to “Meet me by the flagpole after school”.
88) I should not get into a freestyle rap battle while I am supposed to be working.
89) On a multiple choice test, there is no “shotgun” answer. (filling in more than one bubble in case you were wrong)
90) Shouting matches should not be held in front of police officers when massive amounts of obscenities are to be used.
91) I should not attempt to leave class every hundred and eight minutes to save the world. (Lost reference)
92) Should not mime shooting my teacher and claim that it is the only way to save him.
93) When taking a test, there are no “lifelines”.
94) Copying is not “comparing the answers he’s already written to the answers I’m about to write”.
95) Pretending to be going out of town the day a presentation is due and then skipping school…..works!
96) “Doctor Strangelove” is not a real doctor, so a doctor’s note from him won’t count.
97) Should not copy-paste lyrics to songs into the middle of any essay.
98) When my teacher says that boys and girls are the same, I should not ask him if he took a class on anatomy when he was in school.
99) Nor should I attempt to explain the vagina to him.
100) When filling in the section of the late note that says “Reason for lateness:”, I should not write “totally hammered”.
101) When writing an essay for Civics, I should not reference “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington” more than seven thousand times.
A friend of mine in the game industry forwarded this gem to me earlier in the week.
Here’s an email somebody at Treyarch just got sent from a guy impersonating an IW employee haha. It’s the most horribly ill-conceived scheme ever.
This is an actual email someone sent to a game company employee.
Hello treyarch employee i am with a company you know very well can you guess well ill tell you infinity ward. And after asking some other treyarch employees we were shocked to find out that half of you guys do not know what game we are making so here is the poll. Winner will be choosen at random, to quallify you have to get all the next questions right and winner will recieve a special gift yet to be announced.
#1 What is the title of the game?
#2 What is the numeric value of the game (what is the number i.e 1,2,3,4,5,6,7)?
#3 Will there be vehicles in multiplayer?
#4 What time period is it set in?
please reply to this email with answer and forward this email to other employees
Thanks and have a great day from infinity ward maker of call of duty 4.
I woke up this morning, which is not my favorite time to wake up anyway, but society dictates it so. There I was in the mirror brushing my teeth, which society also dictates, but also it makes me feel better, so hey, everybody wins.
Anyhow, looking in the mirror, which is where I brush my teeth in the mornings, I skip showering (society has already asked far too much of me for so early in the day), I notice a wild eyebrow hair shooting straight down over my right eye. Now I’ve seen this ruffian’s kind before, so I reach for the tweezers to dispatch him forthwith, when suddenly I notice over the left eye his twin, pointing straight up towards the heavens.
What was going on? Was this some sort of omen — a message from the very Fates themselves? Would the plucking of one or the other determine the kind of day I would have? If so, how?
If I yanked the down-pointing right one and left the upstanding left one, was I choosing to let optimism remain while discarding the downer, or was I just choosing the downer? We get our word “sinister” from the Latin word meaning “left,” because the left was a bad omen in ancient Roman times. What would the implication of that be?
You might be thinking, “Just pluck both or them.” Please. You think the Fates are that gullible?
In the end, I just left them — each crazy eyebrow hair the yin to the others unruly yang — undisturbed, accepting the natural order of things.
Will the Fates buy that? Or will I suffer the consequences of my lazy, if balanced, grooming? By choosing to leave things the way they are, in disarray, have I not still chosen an equally destructive path?
I’m doomed.
Here in Texas, drugs they have a rule called the Castle Doctrine, viagra buy which says if someone tries to break into your house, order you don’t have to run away. You can just kill them. It looks good on paper, but I wonder if it doesn’t make it too easy to just call up somebody you don’t like and invite them over.
“Hey man, yeah. Look, we’ve had our differences over the years and I’d like to settle things once and for all. So come on over. I’ll put on a pot of coffee and we’ll talk things out. Oh hey, just so you know, the place is a little messy and the front door lock is stuck, so don’t bother knocking. I’ll leave a window open for you. You can just climb on in. What’s that? Should you bring anything? Well, how considerate! Yeah, bring an axe. You know, so we can bury it.”
If you ever need to get rid of a body, just drive to a stranger’s house and tell them you’re with the phone company. This little white lie will buy you an hour of undisturbed digging in their back yard. Plus, if you go to an old lady’s house, she’ll invite you in for lemonade when you’re done.
It’s Thursday night, it’s late, and I have nothing to post. So have a bunch of stuff by people other than me.
Thing’s You Do Not See In Webcam Dance Videos
Girls Costume Warehouse
IV
I’m lucky to be out of that shithole apartment anyway. They actually had the balls to call it, ampoule | “Autumn Oaks Bluff on the Lake” — you know, adiposity so it sounds serene and natural. “Graffiti-strewn stretch of cinderblock and broken glass abutting the sewage treatment plant” would have been just as accurate. And under that, buy on the brochure, in smaller letters they could add, “where illegal immigrants sit on the steps, get drunk and blast their horrible oom-pah oom-pah music at all hours when I’m trying to watch TV, because they don’t actually all fit in the tiny rooms they can barely afford.”
I guess all I really need is a place to put my casket and a little bit of dirt from my homeland, but I’m used to living in castles and communing with the wolves, not to cramming my treasures into an efficiency and saying, “nice doggie,” to Ray-Ray’s pit bull.
Once, I didn’t move my car for a month because I drive so infrequently. I hadn’t even noticed when someone broke out the window and stole an ancient tin of mints I left in the passenger seat. I guess they thought there were drugs in it. So, because my car hadn’t been moved or repaired, the management had it towed, because they thought it made the place look “trashy.”
Yeah, my Cavalier was the problem.
The thing that sent me over the edge, though, was when they started locking the laundry room at midnight.
Ridiculous.
It was a Wednesday. I started a load in the washer about 11, like I always did. At 11:45, I went back and switched the load over to the dryer and went back to my room to watch TV. At 12:30 I went back — locked. A sign on the door read: “For the convenience and safety of all our residents, the laundry room will be locked at midnight effective immediately. Thanks for making Autumn Oaks Bluff on the Lake the best. — The Management.”
Convenience? Are they kidding? Whose convenience is met by making the laundry room available less hours?
And safety? I hadn’t drained anyone in there. Were they having problems with people being raped? I doubt it because I’m the only one I’ve ever seen in there past midnight and I’ve never been raped.
I considered busting the door to splinters, but decided I could wait until the next evening to pick up my clothes and file a letter of complaint. So, at 11:30 the next night I went to get my clothes and they were stolen!
Who steals a load of laundry? Especially my laundry, with its faded colors and graying whites because I never bother to separate them.
The response to my incredibly polite-given-the-circumstances complaint was so typical of this ridiculous era.
“We cannot be held responsible for items left overnight in the laundry room.”
So fuck that place. I’m glad they kicked me out.
For the time being, I’m staying at a motel of meager accommodation. It’s suitable for now, as long as the maids abide the “do not disturb” sign on the door handle. But I know my time here is limited. As when you leave one of those signs on the door for too long, people start to talk.
My only problem with the room itself is that one entire wall is a mirror. I suppose it’s to make the room look bigger and allow mortal men to see themselves scratching their balls while they watch television. If I am to stay here for long I shall have to remove it.
On the bright side, I get free HBO and WiFi.
ALERT: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS. IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN OLDBOY AND INTEND TO, TURN BACK NOW.
It’s amazing how two people can watch the same movie and, depending on their life experiences, each give you a completely different description.
For example, after months of urging by a co-worker who loves Asian cinema, I watched ‘Oldboy.’ My mother-in-law was home so she watched it with me.
‘Oldboy’ is a Korean film about a man who is kidnapped one night, framed for his wife’s murder and imprisoned ina hotel room. After 15 years, he’s let out with only one goal in mind: revenge. But first he has to find out who did this to him and he wants to know why. The result is Hitchcockian suspense meets Sophoclean tragedy with shining moments of darkly absurd humor, and a smattering of high-octane chopsocky violence. Ultimately, ‘Oldboy’ is a statement on the futility of wrath and brings a fresh new twist on the Oedipus story.
Now, just because ‘Oldboy’ is stongly rooted in highbrow cinematic and literary traditions doesn’t mean it’s strictly for eggheads. There’s a claw hammer dentistry sequence that makes anything Quentin Tarantino’s ever done look like H.R. Puf’N’Stuf.
I gave it five stars on my Netflix rental history. Loved it.
FINAL WARNING: THE REST OF THIS REVIEW GIVES AWAY THE TWIST ENDING. READ NO FURTHER IF YOU DON’T WANT THE ENDING SPOILED.
Now, here’s how my mother-in-law later described the movie:
“It was real campy. It’s about a guy who eats a live octopus, then he cuts his tongue off, and he has sex with his daughter.”
She’s not wrong. All that stuff does happen. We just have different perspectives. She still thinks ‘Wet Hot American Summer’ is softcore gay porn, but she liked ‘Oldboy’ okay.
Here is a fun little time sucker of a game. I recommend playing it at work with the volume down. (Thanks Andrew)
If you are at work, and are tired of dealing with customers, or looking for great ideas on how to deal with those “special” customers, you may want to check this one out. (Thanks R Salas)
For all you techy/help desk types you will appreciate this video. Seriously, this one hits the mark. (Thanks SGT William)
If your Friday feels incomplete, how about a little blasphemous fun to round out your day? And a second one in case the first wasn’t blasphemous enough for you. (Thanks Kelly)
Here is a video of someone trying desperately to win a Darwin Award, and his cousins encouraging him (Thanks scalexd)
A video submission for the gamers amongst us. I think we all can understand where Mario is coming from on this one. (Thanks Orrin)
Mark and Patty sent me two submissions. The first is a spiritual debate, of sorts. The second is cute yet somehow creepy too. (Thanks Mark and Patty)
For our men and women in the military, a short film about VD. (Thanks Mint Z)
And finally, the one actual email submission, that is not a link on the web. (Props to you for thinking out side the box). So I will post it below. ( Thanks gallisonc)
Misunderstanding terms
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language.
For example, if you told Marines to “secure a building,” they would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
The Air Force would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy
Navy personnel they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
It’s Monday. Here’s more things that you should not do.
(Submitted by SPC Andrew Sheffield)
1. Not allowed to recite the Specialist creed during the promotion board as a substitute for not knowing the NCO creed.
2. Not allowed to recite the Specialist creed during any formation/ceremony.
3. A rubber band and paperclip is not an authorized military weapon and will not take the place of my M249.
4. Not allowed to prove said weapon by firing at the first officer that walks by my office.
5. “You’ll be alright,” is not a term to be used when a soldier needs medical assistance.
6. The DFAC does not put mind control drugs in the food or drinks.
7. Not allowed to brake check civilians while driving a HUMVEE.
8. Not allowed to drive over curbs to wake up my TC.
9. Not allowed to Jump anything while in a HUMVEE.
10. Edible underwear is not authorized during field exercise’s.
11. (later that day) Edible underwear is not to be eaten during field exercise’s.
12. I do not have a god hand and I am not aloud to administer divine punishment.
13. The term “smoke ’em if you got ’em,” is not a command to open fire.
14. It is not funny to change the CPT’s decaf with espresso. Especially a half hour before formation.
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