Archive for the ‘New List’ Category

(Submitted by Speed)

1.    I am not allowed to call “Operation Enduring Freedom” “Operation Enduring Boredom.”
2.    Just because a sleeping bag is referred to as a “fart sack,” the entire section is not allowed to line up and fart on Aaron’s sleeping bag.
3.    Rather than get into line with the others, I should have tried to disperse them.
4.    Especially since Aaron had just turned in his old sleeping bag in for a new one.
5.    Not allowed to reply to army emails as “global” during Warfighter 2000 when adding to the Top Ten Reasons For Being A Jedi Redneck – and yes, #1 was “You sleep with Princess Leia because she IS your sister”.
6.    Not allowed to rename Aaron “Jennifer,” or “Bitch,” or “My trophy wife,” or anything else that would make him pout.
7.    Not allowed to print out M-O-U-S-E on the printer, trim off the excess paper, and clear tape it under the NCOIC’s signature block:
SFC Cole
NCOIC TCC
M-O-U-S-E
8.    Not allowed to post a street sign outside the hooch with “Bakka Lakka Dakka Street” on it, ala Team America.
9.    Not allowed to post that street sign even if I got the translator to write it in Arabic.
10.    I’m not allowed to run the last 100 yards of the 2 mile run backwards, even if I’m the first one across.
11.    I’m not allowed to cross the finish line of the 2 mile run with a cart wheel.
12.    I’m not allowed to tell the NCOIC the number of times I’ve lapped him when I pass him again during the 2 mile run.
13.    I’m not allowed to point out that my NCOIC only ran three laps instead of four on the half mile track during the APFT [cheater!].
14.    When the Sergeant Major says, “When I was in ‘Nam…” I’m not allowed to insert, “In supply.”
15.    Being posted to Kuwait does not change “Operation Iraqi Freedom” to “Operation Photo Op,” or “Operation Shopping Trip.”
16.    While standing in formation in civvies with the rest of the CI gang, I’m not allowed to tell the new 2LT “I am here from Hezbollah to learn Amerdican Tahctics.” [his reply, “Really?!]
17.    Not allowed to hide all of the ashtrays in the comm-center inside the sub-floor conduits, the freezer, and up inside the ceiling tiles [back when you could smoke inside], and laugh at the NCOIC’s nic-fit.
18.    Not allowed to place a small collection of local little, green frogs in the NCOIC’s desk drawer while stationed in Turkey.
19.    Not allowed to place a small collection of local little lizards in the NCOIC’s brief case while still stationed in Turkey.
20.    Not allowed to go into the chief’s office when he’s not there every time I have really bad gas.
21.    When the chief asks why his office stinks, I shouldn’t say, “I pass.”
22.    When the females from the Navy walk by I’m not allowed to sing, “Catcha wave and you’re sittin on top of the world” like the Beach Boys.
23.    I’m not allowed to comment on the chief’s habit of carrying on conversations with the crypto equipment, even when he replies to “their questions.”
24.    Not allowed to use the phrase, “yada, yada, yada” while conducting the G2 portion of the brief for the DCG of the XVIII Airborne Corps.
25.    While acting as a pointer for the captain when he’s briefing the general, I’m not allowed to shrug my shoulders instead of pointing on the map when the captain goes off script.
26.    Not allowed to tell my National Guard colonel/politician that Bob Dole could kick his ass after he was talking smack about Bob.
27.    Not allowed to call the sergeant major a Don Knotts wanna be.
28.    After looking at all six ribbons on the sergeant major’s Class A uniform, not allowed to call him a “PX hero.”
29.    When the sergeant major calls me a PX hero, I’m not allowed to say, “You’re just jealous you never went anywhere.”
30.    When asked by a reserve private how I got the Good Conduct Medal, not allowed to say, “I never got caught.” [bwa-ha-ha-haaa!]
31.    Not allowed to make chicken calls when the colonel walks by on his little chicken legs in his PT uniform.
32.    When the sergeant major talks about being under small arms fire in Desert Storm, I’m not allowed to ask when the army started sending National Guard maintenance units into combat.
33.    I’m also not allowed to ask if Damman, Saudie Arabia was on the front lines.
34.    When the sergeant major starts talking about the harshness of war, I’m not allowed to ask how long the DFAC line was.
35.    While observing urine tests, not allowed to refer to myself as “piss-boy.”
36.    Not allowed to offer my observational services to the females during the urine test.
37.    Not allowed to ask for a little more time to “bone up” prior to the HIV test.
38.    Not allowed to say “Ooh baby!” and act aroused when I get stuck with a needle.
39.    The best way to become the EEO rep is to get caught telling off color jokes.
40.    Not allowed to tell off color jokes as EEO rep to show examples of what’s not allowed.
41.    After the colonel has missed every target on the pistol range, not allowed to pick up his pistol and knock down five targets in quick order.
42.    Not allowed to say that the colonel “couldn’t shoot shit in an outhouse.”
43.    Not allowed to console the colonel with, “That’s okay sir, maybe they’ll still deploy you.”
44.    Not allowed to make up a “Spec Eight” sign and hang it up on the door to the NCOIC’s hootch, even if he “works” at night and refuses to do his job.
45.    Not allowed to make up fake front pages of Stars and Stripes making fun of how short an Ops captain is.  He is not short enough to be in the Lollipop Guild or to take Tattoo’s place on Fantasy Island.
46.    Not allowed to step on the toe of Gen. Shinseki’s jump boot, even if I didn’t see the little guy.
47.    Not allowed to send in pictures of the Bosnian Serb Special Forces manning illegal roadblocks attached to a Serious Incident Report up to division the same day Special Ambassador Holbrook announced that the Bosnian Serb Special Forces had been disbanded.  That will get you confined to base for 30 days.
48.    Not allowed to make fun of the officers ordered to go to Tuzla to eat lunch with Hillary Clinton, even the one that went on sick call.
49.    Not allowed to tell the rappers of Nappy Roots that we have steak at the DFAC every time a camel steps on a land mine.
50.    Not allowed to sell decks of “Enemy” cards to contractors for $10 each while in uniform and in front of the DFAC.
51.    I am allowed to sell those decks of cards if I give a few free decks to an ARCENT sergeant major.  But I’m still a disgrace to the uniform.  Even if the money goes into the unit fund.
52.    Not allowed to laugh at NCIS for paying the same guy for bad information three months straight.
53.    Even if the USA went into “Orange Alert” two times because of it.
54.    Not allowed to mock regular army guys for not PTing in the rain by saying, “But tharge, my candy coating ith gonna melt!” in a Sylvester Cat voice.
55.    Not allowed to take pictures of the UN personnel and add them to the terrorist wanted poster for Bosnia.  Even if they are dicks.
56.    Not allowed any more “show stoppers” at the embassy correlation meeting.  I must give all reports of international incidents to the military attaché prior to the meeting.  Heh.
57.    Not allowed to bargain for the price of fuel when a UN driver wants to buy five gallons for an out of fuel truck.
58.    Not allowed to push peeing privates into each others’ streams when relieving themselves in an open parking lot next to a residential neighborhood while screaming, “Use the latrines dammit!”
59.    Not allowed to tell 1st Cav troops the difference between Air Cav and Armored Cav. [Air Cav can run from battle faster]
60.    After completing the XVIII ABC 20k ruck march for time in 3 hrs 1 minute, I shouldn’t admit that my time would be better if I hadn’t stopped at the shoppette for breakfast.
61.    Especially when SFC “Snackwell” took much longer and didn’t stop.
62.    Not allowed to call Section Sergeant “SGT Snackwell” even though she eats an entire box by herself every day.
63.    Not allowed to set any of the computer passwords as “Snackwell,” “Snackster,” “SnackAttack,” “Snacky,” or any other combination using the word “snack” in it.
64.    Not allowed to reply to the 1SG of HHC 525 MI, “Why yes, you do look like an out of shape National Guard soldier.” Don’t ask the question if you can’t handle the answer.
65.    Not allowed to point out that the 1SG of HHC 525 MI “falls down and gets hurt” at the beginning of EVERY brigade run, and she has to go to the TMC.
66.    When saying “F— you!” to an anonymous smart ass in the dark, be sure to add “Sir!” when you find out it’s your OIC.
67.    Not allowed to frame each and every counseling statement and hang them in the office.
68.    Not allowed to make fun of the others for not having as many counseling statements as I do.
69.    Not allowed to refer to it as a “tri-fecta” when I get three counseling statements in one morning.
70.    When given four counseling statements the day before my NCOER is due, I’m not allowed to ask “If three are a tri-fecta, what’s four called?” [use of the magic words ‘no follow up’ and ‘JAG’ removed all from the record]
71.    Just because the humvee chock block is chained to the vehicle is no reason to toss it out and yell “Anchor’s Away!” after parking it.
72.    Not allowed to refer to the center seat in the LMTV as the “baby seat” when Spc “Shortcake” sits in it, it “wounds her feelings.”
73.    Not allowed to spray paint Afrika Corps-esque logos on unit vehicles during deployment.  Even if the colonel has an unauthorized logo on his vehicle.
74.    Not allowed to change the colonel’s call sign to “Sprinting Chicken 6.”
75.    Not allowed to call that cute young 2LT “Lieutenant Dish” like in MASH.
76.    Not allowed to make privates cry, even if all I said was, “Hi, what are you doing?”  Even if I was smiling.
77.    I must come to parade rest when XVIII ABC G2X SFC Mikey walks into the office to show proper respect since he outranks me, otherwise I will get a counseling statement.
78.    [the next day] If I come to parade rest when SFC Mikey walks into the office, I will get a counseling statement for mocking him. WTF?
79.    When SFC Mikey’s computer, which is NT4 and runs Service Pack 5 [many years out of date] keeps losing its print drivers, it’s all my fault even if I never touched the damn thing.
80.    Not knowing Outlook or Frontpage will get you fired as IMO and make you happy.
81.    When the new IMO tells the Battle Major in a loud voice so the entire TOC can hear her, “Sir, it’s easier to log in if you first turn on the computer,” I am not allowed to laugh loudly.  Or start laughing again every time someone says “log in.”
82.    I am not allowed to insinuate that LT Dish was drinking beer at the German chem unit’s beer garten in violation of General Order #1.
83.    I am not allowed to offer to sell pictures of LT Dish drinking at the German beer garten, or offer to post them on the ARCENT web site.
84.    Not allowed to say that LT Dish isn’t cool any more after she made captain.
85.    Not allowed to refer to the Czech, Slovak or Romanian females in the chem units as “comfort girls” even if that’s all they really do.
86.    Not allowed to refer to the barracks for the female chem troops as “Madam Orr’s House.”
87.    Not allowed to refer to third country nationals [TCNs] in their little blue suits as “Smurfs.”
88.    Not allowed to call TCNs “Oompa Loompas.”
89.    I must tell the XO verbally and give him a memo that I am going on leave, even if he signed my leave form.
90.    It’s my fault when the XO forgets that I am on leave.
91.    Not allowed to walk into the TOC with a bag of Burger King food when we’re supposed to be locked down.
92.    Even if the command staff did the same thing.
93.    Not allowed to reply “In the rear sir!” when saluting an airborne officer, even if I do work in the Corps Rear TOC.
94.    Not allowed to reply “Leg!” when saluting an airborne officer.  Even if he laughs.
95.    Not allowed to walk past the SOF captain hiding in the shadows by the TF Pershing headquarters after sunset without saluting him.
96.    Not allowed to salute the SOF captain on the Slavonski Brod bridge when Bosnian Serb snipers are present.  Heh.
97.    Even if I yell “Sniper Check!”
98.    Not allowed to ask the Bosnian translators if Comrade Tito was Tito of the Jackson Five.
99.    Not allowed to ask the Bosnian translators if Comrade Tito pursued a musical career as Tito Fuentes.
100.    Not allowed to call the master sergeant that just became a warrant “spot,” “dot” or any other name making fun of the single little square on his bar.
101.    When the old master sergeant starts talking about the “brown boot army,” I am not allowed to say anything about his being on the “advance party for Moses.”
102.    When the same master sergeant complains that he does all of the work and everyone else gets the medals, I’m not allowed to say, “I told Hannibal to take the elephants over the Alps, but he got all the credit!”
103.    Not allowed to tease the privates because I packed Charmin and they didn’t.
104.    Not allowed to call the captain “Radio Killer 6” after he has destroyed two different radio sets.
105.    Not allowed to say that the almost 60 year old master sergeant does the “Show up and breath APFT.”
106.    When the colonel barely bends his arms and bobs his head up and down doing push ups for the APFT, I’m not allowed to call them “colonel push ups.”
107.    Not allowed to carry a magazine in the well of my M-16 like everyone else because “Cut the bastard down!” is not what we do when we take fire in Bosnia.
108.    I am not the “native guide” for US soldiers in Kuwait City.
109.    Not allowed to tell the marines that I’m a “part time soldier.”
110.    My rank is not “REMF.”
111.    I am not a member of the “Special Needs Forces.”
112.    I do not ride the “short helicopter.”
113.    SWO means “Staff Weather Officer,” not “Swell When Oiled.”
114.    The field jacket liner is not my smoking jacket and is not to be worn as leisure wear.
115.    When I see a female drug dog, I’m not allowed to say, “What’s up bitch?”
116.    When the captain fires his M9 into the clearing barrel, I’m not allowed to yell, “Do over!”
117.    Not allowed to make friends with the dogs at the main gate to Camp Doha.  Even if they break training and approach me.
118.    Not allowed to call contractors that work for CSA “Confederates,”  “Rebels,” or “Johnny-Rebs,” even if they wear butternut brown uniforms.
119.    Halliburton employees are not “Damn Yankees.”
120.    Not allowed to tell my OIC that it would be easier to promote me than getting a new memo every time I teach ANCOC as a staff sergeant.
121.    When the commander and his staff are trying to figure out what happened to the missing unit fund while we were deployed in Kuwait, I’m not allowed to start asking rhetorical questions like “How many times did y’all go to TGI Fridays?”
122.    After the sergeant major gives his speech about us buckling down because we’re in a war, I’m not allowed to wish him a good time as he and the commander leave to go to TGI Fridays in their civilian clothes.
123.    When the captain complains about the PX theater showing the same movie for three nights straight, I’m not allowed to comment that “War is hell”.
124.    When the captain slips and falls down on the freshly waxed hall floor, I’m not allowed to make umpire hand signals and yell, “Safe!”
125.    At the confidence course, I’m not allowed to say, “Someone’s going to break a hip before this day’s over,” while looking at the almost 60 master sergeant.
126.    When I see the Shiite women in Kuwait dressed in their black gloves, black veils, black chadrs, black fest-tents, etc., I’m not allowed to call them Ninjas.
127.    During a SCUD alert I must get up, don my pro-mask and go to the bunker instead of saying, “Wake me if it hits,” and then go back to sleep.
128.    At the confidence course I am not “Too old for this shit.”

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With Skippy talking about road trips and such things it brings to mind that there are several places out there with some sort of attention grabbing gimmick. Some are things like dinosaurs in front of gas stations, others are simply the names of the place. Below are a few names I have come across (and their locations when I can remember them) in my travels. All of these places are reputable places of business that are not what their names imply.

1. Skinny Dick’s Halfway Inn (Alaska) (Hotel and Lounge)
2. Grandma’s Shaved Beaver (Washington) (A restaurant specializing in local game animals)
3. St. Louis Steel Erection (Missouri) (Construction company)
4. Hore’s House (British Columbia) (Bed and Breakfast)
5. The Notty Shop (Alaska) (A souvenir shop and Ice Cream/coffee bar)
6. Knockin’ Boots (Oklahoma) (Obviously it’s a custom boot maker)

And then there are of course the message boards. You have probably seen several of them that when taken out of context would be extremely naughty. Probably the most famous one is a church sign with the message “The most powerful position in the world is on your knees.” There are many others and here are just a few that I have seen:

1. On a taxidermists shop: “Father’s Day Special – Wives, bring ’em in and we’ll skin and stuff ’em for you!”
2. On a sign shared by a grocery store and lingerie shop: “Special Half Off Sale! Come see our melons!”
3. On a sign in the middle of a desert: “Caution! No Water Ahead!”
4. On a church sign: “Laying on your back and yelling “Oh My God” is not the same as going to Church.”

And finally, as I was driving off a military installation there was a sign that simply said “Speed Hump Ahead,” not even 25 feet later there were two deer going at it hot and heavy. This distracted me so much that I actually bottomed out the back end of my truck and the actual speed hump. At http://www.bantuhealth.org/levitra-generic-buy/ you can purchase generic Levitra professional Vardenafil 20mg.

Please feel free to add as many places and names as you would like to this!

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(Submitted by SPC Craig Gauthier)

– Not allowed to water the SGM’s flowers with Round Up.
– When making Anti-Coalition propaganda “White Devil” is not an acceptable phrase… Even if the COG thinks its funny.
– Not allowed to use “real” pictures of dead people
– I am not the white Missy Elliot
– Not allowed to use dairy dry-shakes to convince Iraqi kids that Americans eat their own cum
– KATUSAs are not my personal play things
– Not allowed to tell the KATUSAs where all the whore houses are
– Not allowed to tell privates that if they want to get promoted they have to “pleasure” the 1SG.
– Not allowed to tell KATUSAs sexually deviant things like what “playing swords” is.
– There is a reason new KATUSAs are scared… I should not prey on this (even if I CAN smell their fear).
– Not allowed to “tag” memorandums that I don’t agree with, with “WOLVERINES!!!”
– Not allowed to paint training claymores green
– Not allowed to paint live claymores blue
– My name is not Buck, and I am not here to fuck
– Especially not when there are female soldiers around
– No longer allowed to voice my opinions during EO training
– Especially if it deals with racism or religion
– Not allowed to tell 1SG exactly what I think of his board questions
– Everyone knows that I am 11B, I don’t need to remind them that they are inferior quite so often
– The 4187 for overtime pay was funny… until it reached the Commandant’s desk
– The supply request for midget hookers was not.
– Not allowed to post pictures around camp of senior NCOs and label them “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.” Especially if its blatant sarcasm.
– Not allowed out of my office, except to smoke, and only under supervision, when there is anyone brigade level or higher on camp.
– An eleven row and some IEDs are not the solution to Korea’s traffic problems
– Not allowed to hand superiors over to the KPA
– Not allowed to defect to KPA
– Not allowed to tell people I’m taking a military vehicle to crash it, just because “I’ve had it with this place”
– Not allowed to tell the SGLs just how jacked up and lazy they are
– Not allowed to give the BNCOC instructors a piece of my mind
– There is no reason to see if any problem at the academy is Internet porn related
– Not allowed to wear a demon mask when attacking bluefor
– Not allowed to carry a lightsaber during rotations
– Not allowed to strap C4 to a goat and send it into bluefor’s FOB
– Using cigarette butts to “silence” my weapon is cheating (It actually works, stuff a butt down your barrel with your BFA. The bolt is louder than the blank. 1 for an M4, 2 for a SAW)
– It is true that a speed limit sign is the standard. However exceeding the speed limit, and exceeding the standard are not the same. Especially in a GOV.
– Not allowed to sing “Its Raining Men” in the office.

Bonus: Things Craig is not allowed to do now that he is married:

1. Must not show testicles to random people
2. Especially if they can have an effect on my employment status
3. Not allowed to publicly embarrass my wife
4. Not allowed to publicly embarrass my wife and post the video on Youtube.
5. No hiding cameras in the bedroom.
6. The bedroom is not a porn studio.
7. “Who’s the Devil?” is no longer my favorite game.
8. “My rifle needs a shiny new buttstock”, is not a valid reason to access the savings account.
9. My Mother in law does not form the head of a giant Anti-Christ Battle Robot.
10. My wife is not a tool to “fix” speeding tickets.
11. My computer is not a “Digital Porn Compression Center”.
12. “Guess what I just did” will probably lead to an argument.
13. “What money” = Wrong answer.
14. My wife has no need for a pistol, and I should stop insisting that she does.
15. She doesn’t need a shotgun either.
16. My wife has neither the time nor inclination to hear my performance map for my car (again).
17. I should just assume that my wife will not understand “What the fuck I’m talking about”, so I should just keep my mouth shut
18. Its not funny when my wife cries.
19. Especially if its over something stupid.
20. Our (Future) children are not here solely for my entertainment.
21. Nor are they lab rats.
22. A shock collar does not constitute a playpen.
23. I will not threaten the kids with “Being sent to the soccer ball factory”.
24. Red bull and Chocolate bars is not the key to effective child labor.
25. Not allowed to sponsor “Ductape/Wifflebat Deathmatches” with our children.
26. Or the neighbor’s children.
27. There are no child-eating trolls in the woods.
28. Being put in the dumpster is not an acceptable punishment.
29. I can not trade my wife for a larger turbo.
30. Cannot offer sexual favors on my wife’s behalf, in exchange for high priced items from D.S. ARMS.
31. I am neither the Alpha nor Omega.
32. My penis is not nearly as big as I think it is.
33. Nor do I know how to use it.
34. The dinner table is not a place for firearms.
35. We do not need a shotgun rack on the bed.
36. Guinness and a smoke is no longer a breakfast option.
37. A couple six packs, some ten-sided dice, and a character sheet does not constitute family time.
38. I AM in fact gay for liking D&D.
39. Country music is not grounds for suicide, and I should stop suggesting it is.
40. Not allowed to convince my sister-in-law to kill herself.
41. Even if the world WOULD in fact be a better place.
42. Just because my sister-in-law is a loser, as well as her sperm-donor, it does not mean their children should be culled from the gene pool.
43. Not allowed to chemically neuter myself with Twinkies and Mountain Dew.
44. Just because my sister-in-law has not lost the baby fat, lives at home, and has no job, does not mean I should call INS and tell them my mother in law is hiding an Ethiopian in her house.
45. My wife’s dog is not Smeagol with fur.
46. Making a small dog so frightened of me (without ever touching it) that it pees as soon as it sees me, should not be a point of pride.
47. I am not nearly as scary as I would like people to think I am.
48. “I can’t wait to tell the guys”, may or may not result in sleeping on the couch. So I should be VERY careful how I use this phrase.
49. My wife has NOT been smoking crack.
50. In the rare event that my wife’s girlier tendencies manifest, I should not use them as a tool for teasing at a later date.
51. My “I’d rather be masturbating” T-shirt is not acceptable “Dinner with the in laws” attire.
52. I am no longer allowed to dress myself.
53. It goes the speed limit and it does as its told.
54. I am no longer allowed to end any sentence to my wife with “… and it does as its told’.
55. Nor “…or it gets the fire hose”.
56. I am not allowed to buy a fire hose.
57. Silence of the Lambs is NOT funny.
58. My wife CAN AND WILL kick my “bony ass”.
59. Despite what the army tells me, its not rape, even if I DO say no (3am on a duty night).
60. Barn yard animal noises in the bedroom is NOT sexy.
61. I am NOT a sheep, and I do not need lovin’ too.
62. I am not “The Black Britney Spears”.
63. Yelling at other drivers is not a healthy expression of emotion.
64. When my wife’s car breaks down my immediate response is now “Are you okay, hun?”. Not “You should have bought a Honda”.
65. My wife cannot set people on fire.
67. Even if she IS Wiccan.
68. I cannot fight crime with novelty items.
69. Not allowed to go looking for toys my wife has taken from me.
70. Just because my wife is going to be a cop does not mean I can do anything I want.
71. Walking into a cop bar and announcing “I smell bacon!”, is counter productive.
72. The Wiccan symbol tattooed on my wife’s lower back is NOT a tramp stamp.
73. I should not try to prove my point by singing tramp stamp to the tune of “Love Shack”.
74. Under no circumstances am I to attempt to sing.
75. Especially if I’ve been drinking.
76. Guinness is not God’s personal gift to me. Therefor I am not angering him by not drinking it everyday.
77. My wife’s KIA is not “The Devil’s Tool”.
78. My children will NOT eat their way out of the womb
79. My wife does in fact wear the pants.

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Well all my life I’ve been a jack of all trades. I’ve worked for carnivals, haunted houses and rodeos (yes, I was the clown). I’ve been a carpenter, electrician and mason. I’ve worked fisheries, fishing boats and spent a season doing America’s deadliest job (Alaska Crab Fishing). But in all of these jobs I don’t think I had as much fun as when I was a Satellite and Wireless Internet installer. Every morning my team would get together and the office manager would come out and lecture us on the days jobs, and what was wrong with yesterday. Here are a few excerpts: (I will list the numbers that apply directly to me at the end)

1. It is not OK to shoot a kid with an AirSoft gun, while working.
2. Even if the kid was shooting you first.
3. It is not OK to tell the police the accelerator was “stuck” and you were “unsticking” it while driving a company vehicle.
4. It is not OK to use the terms spectrothermal “anal”yzer, pig snoot, three-eyed cancer hazard when describing the feed horns on a satellite dish.
5. It is not OK to drill four, one inch diameter holes in a rude customers wall to run a quarter inch thick cable to the back of the TV.
6. It is not OK to throw heavy objects from a roof and tell young children to “catch!”
7. When taking your lunch on the roof of a customers home it is not OK to tease the pet rottweiler with your food.
8. It is not OK to help your customer get revenge on his neighbor by putting a 14 foot tall motorized dish right outside the bedroom window of his neighbors house.
9. It is not OK to offer free additional channels in exchange for sex, especially when you aren’t the one who activates those channels.
10. It is not OK to tell a customer that the microwave receiving plate is “harmless unless you are within 100 feet of it, in any direction, for more than a few minutes at a time,” then mount it to the roof right above their bedroom.
11. If you are going to fall off a roof, try to land somewhere soft, other than the customer’s favorite pet.
12. While climbing towers do not “test” the safety harness by tying yourself off and jumping off the tower.
13. Microwave receiving/transmitting plates are not Frisbees.
14. It is not OK to beat a customer over the head and shoulders with a fishing pole.
15. It is not OK to beat a customer over the head and shoulders with a foam pool noodle.
16. It is not OK to challenge a customer to a duel. They might just accept.
17. It is not OK to tell a customer “Don’t worry, I’m a professional” and then open a can of beer.
18. It is not OK to have beer at any work site, unless said work site is a bar and you aren’t drinking it.
19. When a police officer pulls you over it is not OK to tell him to “bugger off and mind your own business.”
20. When climbing a tower with a ladder, use the ladder. Also it is not OK to race your coworker up the outside of the tower while he climbs the ladder.
21. When in a cherry picker with a coworker it is NOT OK to see how far you can make the bucket rock. Especially if your coworker is afraid of heights.
22. It is not OK to beat up a coworker for, literally, scaring the piss out of you.
23. It is not OK to break your wrist while drilling through steel, at work.

I was the direct cause of 1, 2, 4, 10, 14, 19, 20, 21, 22 and 23. I was the coworker pissing my pants in 21. I did however have a lot of fun, and would do it all again if it wasn’t for the lawsuit. But that is another story….

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This time the list comes courtesy of Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children.  Which is probably the only time in your life you will see the word courtesy used in the same sentence as a reference to the USMC.

(Submitted by Dale Fox)

• I am not authorized to make a superhero costume out of garbage bags, duct tape, m-16 mags and a poncho liner and then chase down and tackle another company’s radio man during a FINEX.

• I am not allowed to cut my old cammies into a “combat thong” and run through the other platoons squad bay during a briefing

• It is also not OK to shake my money maker for the company gunny in the same thong

• I am not allowed to fling my own poo at those who throw skittles at me while I’m using a slit trench

• It is not OK to chok the company gunny’s tires just to see what happens

• I am not authorized to ambush the chow truck

• I am not allowed to defecate on the furniture of suspected insurgents to “send them a warning”

• I am not authorized to set off 55 pounds of UXO near the battalion FOB just to show that they don’t check the grids I give them

• My humvee is not a “stunt car”

• I am not authorized to paint 24 inch tall skulls on all the doors of my MAP team’s vehicles

• The phrase “nega hachi chachi” is not the correct response when your CO asks if you “see anything”

• “I’m rockin’ ” is not a proper response to the question “how are you doing” during my XO’s barracks inspection

• It is not OK to call “controlled det” on the radio after the fact

• Sporks in the hair are not acceptable ways to mark EPWs

• “Wag bag” is not the proper title of the SgtMaj, even if he is one

• It is not ok to fire warning shots at the Battalion commander’s convoy when they do not recognize our right of way

• I am not allowed to sink a case of chow mein MREs in the Euphrates and then leave a treasure map

• Semper gumby (always flexible) is not the proper response to officers giving me orders to undo what they told me to do in the first place

• I am not authorized to tip government vehicles on their sides during training to create a road block

• Humvees are not authorized to go on beer runs, especially not to a drive thru

• I am not authorized to practice my WWF moves on Iraqis

• I am not authorized to pillage due to my Viking roots

• Playing Pantera over loudspeakers after a firefight is not Psyops

• Our patrol is not a bunch of MAMs sabotaging the power station (even though battalion told the tanks we were)

• It is not OK to disregard the smallcraft instructors and go over the side “with style”

• Going to Big Muj island is not to be referred to as going on a 3 hours tour

• I am not authorized to publicly display my picks of who would play members of my chain of command in a movie

• Farting into the radio handset is not a proper response, even if you do say “over” after you do it

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Hooray for long weekends.  Now that we all have to go back to work on Tuesday, that makes it the new Monday, and so here’s the Monday morning “do not do list.”

This morning we have things that cannot be done while working for the Parks Department.

(Submitted by Ben Stewart)

1. I am not allowed to answer my phone while on the job

2. Even if it is the boss who is calling me

3. I am not allowed to edge a sidewalk from a moving vehicle, regardless of how good of a job I did

4. I am not allowed to kill ground squirrels near little kids

5. I am not allowed to make a shrine to the ground squirrel gods

6. Even if the city’s anti discrimination policy specifically mention religion

7. I am not allowed to point out every overweight women to my boss and say “wouldn’t you like to see her all sweaty?”

8. I am not allowed to bring fireworks to work
9. I am not allowed to throw little kids in the pond
10. Even if they did steal my trash grabber tongs
11. Not allowed to make up a gang name to cross out a real gang’s grafiti with
12. Not allowed to make spears out of the city’s tool’s to use for groundsquirrel hunting
13. Not allowed to use the excuse “It’s okay I work for the city” when not working to get free drinks at the softball fields
13. Not allowed to the excuse “Its okay I work for the city” when I drive non-road legal vehicles to go get tools from the hardware store
14. Not allowed to use the excuse “It’s okay, I work for the city” ever again
15. Not allowed to tell random women on the street that my coworkers would like to go on a date with them
16. Not allowed to give my coworkers’ names and numbers to butch looking softball players
17. Not allowed to look at the boss’ daughter
18. Not allowed to put broken glass on top of the bathrooms to keep people from climbing on them
19. Not allowed to go swimming in the pond
20. Even if it is to save a duck that has fishing string wrapped around its leg

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Blah blah it’s Monday, blah blah, new list, blah generic smart-assed comment.

(Submitted by Chooses to Remain Nameless)

The “PHARMACY LIST”

1) When making a service call, I may not refer to the Un-interruptible Power Source as the “Zed-PM.” It confuses the tech support staff.

2) I also can’t call it the “Power Battery.”

3) Even though we ARE haunted (I just can’t prove it), I am not authorized to contract with local psychics to exorcise our computer-haunting ghost(s)…

4) When there is talk of “trouble-shooting” some equipment, it does NOT involve 9mm, or any live ammo for that matter.

5) Talking to the computers will not make them go faster.

6) Beating on them only makes them go faster sometimes.

7) Even if you’re using something dull like a counting spatula, playing that “game” where you spread your hand and try to stab the table in between your fingers? It still hurts if you miss….

8) I may not play “frisbee” with the dozens of leftover birth control compacts from the Health Department’s stock (they usually give out a year’s supply at a time, and patients don’t want all 12 compacts)

9) If a printer is scheduled to be replaced, I may not take it home with me the night before and use it for target-practice.

10) I may not swear in Chinese (even made-up Chinese) when faced with a stressful situation.

11) Doing the Ric Flair strut and yelling “WOOOOO!” after fixing an insurance rejection may only be done sparingly!

12) “Tuning up the band” (See Shawn Michaels, the WWE Wrestler) BEFORE fixing an insurance rejection – ditto.

13) When someone says “I have a strange question”, the answer “That’s OK, I’m a strange PERSON!” is best reserved for people you know.

14) Even if I DO hear sirens in the distance, I may not rip open my shirt Superman-style and jump out the drive-thru window to save the day.

15) A bonfire out back is NOT an acceptable way to destroy old pharmacy records.

16) I may not use “dry ice” to chill my drinks, especially when I’m at Drop-Off waiting on a customer!

17) I may not play “lazer tag” with the telexon unit.

18) I MAY use the telexon to practice proper trigger-finger placement, but it annoys my coworkers when I do so while humming the James Bond theme.

19) I may not roll heavy boxes of labels from the storage area, downstairs to the stockroom, when the stairs have OTHER things on them.

20) …Even if I yell “PLINKO!” when I do it.

21) I may not follow the lead of Dr. Hawkeye Pierce and drink my beverage of choice from the graduated cylinders.

22) When mixing 2 ointments into a compound, I may NOT borrow my boss’ electric mixer he uses on his protein shakes.

23) I am NOT Doctor Cox…

24) I may not refer to the new hires as “newbie,” “Barbie,” or other nicknames.

25) New hires are not “fresh meat”.

26) “Abandon all hope ye who enter” is NOT an acceptable way to greet staff coming in for a new shift.

27) Neither is “run while you can!”.

28) Even though we REALLY want new flat-screen monitors, I may not gain access to the roof and “accidentally” drop all of the old monitors off of there….

29) Grunting “over there” and pointing in the general direction of a shelf with 200 different bottles on it is NOT a helpful enough answer when a new tech asks me where a medicine is located.

30) In the event of a catastrophic plumbing emergency like a large water pipe bursting, humming the “Mario Brothers” theme while trying to find a red or green cap should NOT be my first priority.

31) Carrying a samurai sword on your back and threatening to invoke Islamic law (IE, chop someone’s hands off) is not the most politically-correct way to deter shoplifting.

32) When a helium balloon gets loose and is stuck on the ceiling, there are better ways of dealing with it than trying to pop it by “shooting” the cap of an oral syringe at it.

33) Goose-stepping, doing the Nazi salute, and ranting in faux German is not an appropriate way to try to explain how “Loss Prevention” works, when newbies ask.

34) ESPECIALLY when LP due for a visit at any moment…

35) I may not answer the doctor’s line by pretending to chew a carrot and saying, “Ehhhh…what’s up, Doc?”

36) Or by breaking out into Bugs Bunny’s “What’s up Doc?” song.

37) I may not jury rig a cell phone jammer and deploy it in the store (ESPECIALLY at the drive-thru). Because SOMEONE’S gonna be the first person the FCC brings charges against for doing it…

38) Large chef’s hats are not in the dress code – even if I only wear it when I’m adding FlavoRx to a medicine.

39) I may not falsely claim Scottish ancestry in order to get away with wearing a kilt at work.

40) If handed a bill I suspect is counterfeit, I need to use the currency-checking pen on it. NOT pretend to examine it by going over it with my electronic Sonic Screwdriver toy.

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After a brief hiatus we’ve got more military items again.

(Submitted by Andrew)

• I am not “God and King” over the base networks Electrocons and will not wage war on the Protocons
• The computers are not spying on the junior enlisted
• The computers are not spying on the senior enlisted
• The computers are not spying on the officers
• Computers of and in themselves are not capable of spying at all
• Will not use Photoshop to enlarge a SNCO’s head
• Will not email above picture to all lower enlisted on base with the subject “Real photo of <name omitted>’s Ego”
• Will not rename the SIPR as SIPpy so the officers will feel “More at home”
• Will not use official government computers, spare parts, tools and parking lots to build a battle robot
• *Will not use above battle robot to “enforce parking regulations” on other branches of the service
• *Will not attach a fully loaded M16A2 to above battle robot to “make it more imposing”
• Will not use forklifts to “re-park” unauthorized vehicles
• Will not use government assets to build a “beer trebuchet” even if it is really cool to fling a can of beer over 200 yards
• Will not feed the badgers left over meat from the barbeques
• Will not post fake warning signs on government devices
• Will not use above beer trebuchet to fling bottled sodas
• Will not play “CD Frisbee” between the 3rd floors of separate buildings
• Will not write my ex-wife’s name on weapons qualification targets
• Will not bring my own “M16A2” for weapons qualification
• Will not use government assets to build a “fully functioning scale model of a WWI gatling gun”
• Will not test the “armor capabilities” of occupied vehicles with scale model WWI gatling gun.
• Will not test the “armor capabilities” of unoccupied vehicles with scale model WWI gatling gun.
• Will not use the Howitzer as a drum, ever if it has “great acoustics”
• Will always check direction of fire from T-Shirt cannon to ensure it does not fire a baseball through the Base CO’s closed window.
• Will not smile and shakes everyone’s hand thanking them profusely for demoting me a rank after scale model of WWI gatling gun incident
• Will not tell the psyc evaluator “I’m loony as Canadian money”
• Will not build my own bunker with flood sand bags and declare all land in it as ceded from the union and shall now be called Blargistan
• Will not use Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes as my name on official forms

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It’s that time again, when I print a list of things that someone has learned that they are not supposed to do.

Here’s my list of stuff I’m not allowed to do while working for a summer youth program (SYP) at a large university (to remain nameless). The class I teach is mountaineering and orienteering. If you post this, please include only my first name, no last name or email address.

So no last name or email is included, so that he will now blend in with the hundreds of other SYP rock climbing instructors.

Things Dan Can’t Do While Climbing With SYP Students

1. Throw students off cliffs

2 Even if they are tied off

3 Even if they are tied off and want to try it

4 Bring a banjo to play during the out door climbing session….it makes the city kids nervous.

5 When the instructor in charge (IIC) says to bring all my usual climbing gear, that does not included my .44 magnum, a playboy and 3 cans of dip….its scares the city kids.

6 Tie the students into the belay line with a hangman’s noose….

7 Even if I promise to tie the noose through the harness and not around their necks

8 Even if the noose is a stronger knot than the figure 8

9 When the IIC gives permission to ride my motorcycle to the climb instead of in the vans with the students that does not imply that I get to ride lead, motorcade style….

10 Especially if I plan to get to the lead position by passing the vans at over 100 miles per hour….in a wheelie.

11 Throwing large pebbles off the cliff is not an acceptable way of enforcing the no P.D.A. rule….especially if the offender is the IIC and his significant other.

12 The IIC’s admonishment to “Be sure to rig strong anchors” does not imply the need to rig 150′ of tubular nylon on a single anchor point.

13 When the IIC requests you to “tie off” a particularly clumsy student, 15′ feet of tubular nylon, a pair of locking ‘biners and a rock bolt anchor is sufficient….no need to “Spiderman” the student to a tree with 50′ of tubular webbing….

14 Even if it is “for their own good”.

15 Its considered “unsportsmanlike” to occasionally add rocks to other instructors packs through out the day….even if it’s funny to see the look on their faces when their pack that started at 20lbs, weighs 45lbs at the end of the day.

16 If an idea makes me giggle for more than 5 seconds, consider it banned.

17 If an idea makes me smile, think it through again before trying it.

18 Replacing the standard climber/belaying communication phrases with other phrases containing double meanings is not allowed.

19 When instructed to “keep it PG”, that does not mean I go surf the web for the dirtiest PG movie ever and then watch it to see what I can get way with.

20 Its not funny to place small rare earth magnets under the IIC’c compass and inside his GPS battery compartment in order to make him look like a jackass.

21 Just ’cause the IIC made me hump the 5 gallon water cooler around, as a form of punishment, does not mean I get to call myself “the water bitch”.

22 Its considered impolite to challenge the IIC to an uphill race while I’m humping the water cooler….especially if I beat him.

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Here it is, the now traditional list of things that you should not do. This one is medically themed. And by the way, if any readers happen to have any items for the do not do list, either military or other, by all means send them in.

Things you should not do in a medical office.

(Submitted by Sicarius)

1. When filing charts, don’t exclaim to the rest of the department, “Who wants to play dead patient bingo?”

2. Don’t play dead patient bingo. It violates HIPPA laws.

3. Especially when patients can hear you.

4. Don’t threaten to bring everyone in the office an individual dessert (I love to bake, don’t judge me.) when they all go on Weight Watchers and then start a ‘who can lose the most weight’ competition. (I’m the only male in the office aside from the doctors, and in good shape. I need no contest.)
5. Don’t follow through on that threat.
6. Don’t remove the balls from the mice of people who are at lunch. It makes them late when they try to punch back in.
7. Don’t threaten to poison the water cooler when the people whose mouse balls you stole find your car keys, move your car to the hospital across the street’s parking lot, and then turn your radio up to full blast.
8. Don’t pick up a frog that’s found its way into the office and show it to the people who are afraid of frogs.
9. Don’t complain when people find out you’re afraid of spiders and put a live one in your hair. The horror.
10. During office emergency training, don’t answer with “By way of the evil light shining from Doctor X’s eyes” as an answer to “How do we escort patients places if the power and the backup generator go out?”. For the office manager will have to reprimand me.
11. No matter this particular doctor has made every secretary and half of the receptionists cry because he’s so cruel.
12. Especially when the doctor is at the meeting.
13. Even if the office manager made the same joke a few days before.
14. Don’t answer “Because the entire office is PMSing today” when someone asks why you’re going to the basement if there’s no work to be done down there today.
14. “What the fuck?” is never an appropriate answer to any question.
15. Even if it was in response to a co-worker seriously asking if you were listening to white power music. (It was Nine Inch Nails.)
16. It is not appropriate to draw pictures of penises on your lunch in the office refrigerator instead of writing your name.

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