Archive for the ‘New List’ Category

So it turns out that putting Cyrillic fonts on my site was breaking it in all manner of fun ways, and so I have to change how this was set up.

Here’s an image of the list translated into Russian.

And here’s what happens when you used Google to change it back to English, which makes some parts of it way funnier than I originally wrote it.

Vacation is over, so it’s back to the fun mine for me.

I had a good break, got to play a bunch of video games, build and paint some models, and watched several seasons of Babylon 5. I also received a small pile of movies that involve dead things eating people, gratuitous use of automatic weapons, and/or power tools used in an irresponsible manner. It’s been a good few weeks.

One of the things I did was round up the loose list items. See every once in a while somebody will send me just a one or to items for the Friends of Skippy list. Which is not enough for me to make an entire post out of it. And so as I look at the several emails that have been sent to me, I am forced to make a choice. I can either dig through my email, and turn a bunch of the individual items into one big list. Or I can just use one of the larger lists and spend the extra time killing video game zombies and looking at internet porn.

And I have to say that I really love killing zombies and internet porn.

(more…)

New List time.

(Submitted by Martin Doyle)
1) The gloves are for food preparation, not for challenging people to duels.
2) Even if they insulted your honor.
3) Especially if they’re the ones keeping you employed
4) No vaulting the front counter. The door is there for a reason.
5) Even if it looks really cool.
6) Even if you scored a number from it.
7) If you think it would be fun to drop in the fryer, then you’re not allowed to drop it in the fryer.
8) Pallets left over from delivery of stock are not picnic tables.
9) Nor are the boxes from delivery there for you to practice Parkour.
10) Even if the security footage of said practice is impressive
11) The freezer is not your office
12) Nor is it a great spot to jump out at people from
13) Especially in a hockey mask
14) Not allowed to bring hockey masks to work anymore
15) Not allowed to wear pirate hats to work anymore
16) Not allowed to wear eye patches to work anymore
17) Tell your doctor to stop writing false medical certificates just so you can wear an eye patch at work
18) No climbing on top of the shelves of the store room
19) Even if the box you needed was in an impossible spot to reach without climbing
20) If you think it’ll be fun to climb on, you’re not allowed to climb on it
21) Making the trainee workers cry is not what you were hired for
22) Not allowed to ask customers for smokes
23) Especially underage customers
24) No, we will not program a button that charges people $5 every time they annoy you
25) You are advised that deliberately forgetting the shortcuts to make meals cheaper for customers who annoy you is frowned upon
26) Even if they have it coming
27) Even if it does boost sales
28) Not allowed to refer to such acts as the ‘stupid tax’
29) You are not a ‘Ninja in Training’ so hiding in ceiling vents and jumping out at people is not allowed
30) The condiment gun is there to make preparing burgers easier, not for target practice
31) Even if you have a 98% accuracy rating
32) Not allowed to question the intelligence of people who need a bunch of teenagers to tell them how to form 3 distinct lines
33) Even if they’re twice your age and should know by now
34) Not allowed to pretend you cannot speak English
35) Not allowed to refer to yourself as ‘The Pity Hire’
36) Telling customers that they’re in line for a Darwin award is unacceptable
37) Even if you are probably right

It’s Monday. Which as you all know means it’s time for yet another list of things that you should probably not do. This time it’s for ER admittance.

(Submitted by Ekatseyanis)

1. Security is not my bitch
2. Nor is housekeeping
3. Or the valets
4. Not allowed to hit patients
5. Even if they hit me first
6. Not allowed to yell at patients
7. Even if they are being belligerent
8. Not allowed to make fun of patients
9. He is not “Messily Drunk” he is “Intoxicated”
10. He is not “Crazy” he is a “Psych Patient”
11. I cannot take holiday pay for every full moon I work
12. I am not a doctor
13. Advising a patient that the wait is two hours is ok; telling them to go home and take some Motrin is not
14. The fish in the fish tank don’t like Tootsie Rolls
15. I cannot suggest to patients that losing 100 pounds might be beneficial to their health
16. We are obligated to provide care to anyone who comes in, even if it’s dental pain
17. Medicaid patients are not freeloaders and I should stop insinuating that they are
18. The Sabbats are not federal holidays
19. Not allowed to argue with Catholics
20. Even if they started it
21. Not allowed to bet on patient’s diagnoses before they see the doctor
22. Not allowed to refer to patients as “Frequent Fliers” even if they are here every week
23. Not allowed to scare patients with all the things that MIGHT be wrong with them
24. Not allowed to tell patients about all the cool injuries I’ve seen
25. Not allowed to scare new employees with stories about all the cool injuries I’ve seen
26. In fact if the story starts with “I saw the coolest/grosses thing…” I should probably keep it to myself
27. The box of free stuff in the back office is for patients with grievances, not for me
28. Not allowed to puke in front of patients
29. Even if I am pregnant
30. Even if I’m pregnant and they smell like ass
31. Not allowed to ask a patient to see their injury
32. Even if a patients is jabbering away at me in Somali, I still have to smile and try to understand them, I cannot cut them off and ask them if they brought a friend who speaks English
33. I should warn visitors that the automatic doors swing out, not laugh when I hit the button and they get smacked in the face
34. Radiology techs don’t glow in the dark and I shouldn’t test that
35. “I don’t know” is not a proper response to any question posed by a patient
36. Or a staff member
37. In fact, I am assumed to be the receptacle of all knowledge relating to the hospital
38. When administration asks how I am this morning, they don’t actually want to know so I am always “Fine”
39. Not allowed to take bets on how many different drugs will be found in a patient’s system
40. Cracking jokes about “The crazy in room 4” is generally frowned up, especially if said crazy’s family happens to be within ear-shot

I just returned home after visiting my family. I’ve had very little sleep, my plane was delayed a whole bunch, and I got to fly for several hours near to a baby who had evidently just witnessed the rape and murder of Santa Claus judging from the amount of screaming.

So instead of carefully reading all of the submissions for the Monday morning list update, I’m just going to select one at random, and post it without reading it whatsoever. I may get my wife to proofread it tomorrow or something, but it just seems like too much work tonight, I’m going to sleep now.

Skippy, your list is awesome. I wrote down a list of dumb things ive done in the navy
and those around me have done. Theres a lot that we got away with, this is just what
we got caught doing

Lockenators list of things i (and others) cant do in the navy anymore

1) not allowed to do donuts in the duty truck

2) even if its dark out and nobodys in the parking lot

3) especially if my license is suspended

4) not allowed to tell chief that his face is a cockpit. even if he says it first

5) especially over the 1mc (intercom)

6) not allowed to do the macarena, the funky chicken, or the hokey pokey
while directing a plane launch

7) not allowed to use assumed names on official documents like tool logs

8) not allowed to tell new check-ins that they need to find a box of “A1R”

9) not allowed to walk barefoot into the hangar with a guitar and a bottle of
captain morgans

10) not allowed to run through hanger in boxer shorts

11) not allowed to wear flight suit thats 3 sizes too small complaing about
growth spurts

12) not allowed to tell pilots that im steve irwin back from the dead to launch
their plane to the heavens

13) not allowed to take pictures of female pilots in bikinis and post on
craigs list as hookers

14) cant call french pilots “flying frogs”

15) cant mention waterloo around the french either

16) cant make a bi-polar meter for chief

17) cant call chief “mother f*cking khaki”

18) cant crap in shipmates boots

19) cant refer to hull technicians as “turd chasers”

20) cant refer to boatswains mates as “bowel movements”

21) cant send drunk booters out around base to find enlightenment

22) cant put “hero of the wastes” on evaluation as accomplishment

23) cant put “built 2 story beer bong” as accomplishment

24) cant try to ask out chiefs daughter over his phone

25) not allowed to refer to galley food as poisoned alpo

26) not allowed to put naked pictures of freinds wife on background of
computer

27) not allowed to use flight deck radio to talk seductively to maintenence
control

28) a C-2a greyhound is not a “party bus of the sky”

29) not allowed to throw fruit out of the ramp of the bird to try to hit objects below

30) not allowed to hang out of the back of the ramp to take a dump

31) the COs flight suit is not the “king pickle skin”

32) master chief is not to be referred to as “the great satan”

33) not allowed to make stickers that reference petty officer shitting himself

34) not allowed to call people “waste of life” and tell them to kill themselves

35) not allowed to fill camelbak® with vodka and Gatorade

36) not allowed to put naked girl stickers on cranial

It’s Monday, and here’s your list update. Treat it nice because if you break it, you won’t get another until next week.

(Submitted by Scalexd)
-Not allowed to title my Medical Incident Reports “Stairs = Mass Pwnage”.
-Not allowed to title myself “Lead Security Officer”, “The Security Coordinator”, “The Security Administrator”, or “Security Agent” in a effort to sign more important, even if I rightfully deserve the title (my title is “Security Specialist”).
-Weekday Morning Shift Squad is not 1337.
-No weapons are to be carried on duty, including blow up dolls.
-Not allowed to challenge my Two-time-Iraq-vet Partner to Bourne-Style hand-to-hand combat in a effort to settle a dispute: I will lose.
-Not allowed to drink “Espresso injected with material to give it a extra solid boost” ever again.
-The aforementioned drink does not throw me forward in time.
-Nor does it help me predict the future.
-My call sign over the radio is “A-Six-Five”, not “McLovin”.
-The “Specialist Creed” of the Army, made famous by the Internet, does not apply to me.
-Not allowed to wear my “UR MOM” necklace under my shirt, even if it is a lucky charm that saved me from death.
-Even if I do consider it of religious value.
-Even if I do threaten to call the ACLU.
-Not allowed to tow the CEO’s car.
-That “off-white beater VW bug looking thing” in the CEO’s parking space is not what I think it is.
-Do not put “DO NOT PARK HERE” signs on that car.
-In fact, its not a “off-white beater VW bug”, its actually a RARE classic 1950s-model Porsche and its worth more than the lives of this entire squad combined!
-Not allowed to take my Acura RSX and challenge the CEO to a street race on the day he brought his Ferrari to work.
-Not allowed to tow the expensive cars of “high-up corporate douche bags” I do not like.
-Just because the Nursing Mothers are starting a support group, does not mean I get to start a support group for guys discuss things like “that rash in between my thigh” and “that night at the club…”.
-That dirty white women’s thong we found in the lobby outside the company cafe is NOT mine, I swear!
-Not allowed to not write an incident report regarding the missing chair of a SVPs assistant.
-Even if we did find it.
-Even if virtually EVERYONE IN THE COMPANY HAS THE EXACT SAME make, model, type and is adjustable…
-Not allowed to mention “sexual misconduct” in the incident report of a investigation regarding over half-million dollars in stolen property..
-There is no secret covert war between my dispatchers in another state and day shift.
-Even if they are incompetent 95% of the time and act like they know everything.
-Not allowed to make redneck jokes to the dispatchers, even if they are from a “hick” state (I was born in VA and raised in the Carolina’s so I can make hick jokes)
-Not allowed to talk in New Jersey accents to the Dispatchers to sound tough (“Get outta here!”).
-Not allowed to talk in Spanish to the dispatchers: they don’t know what you’re saying.
-Not allowed to talk in Redneck accents to the dispatchers.
-Or to the visiting engineer from our India office. (They don’t know the concept of rednecks).
-Not allowed to make the sounds of a Mack truck backing up (beep beep beep) even if the badging clerk’s love handles are hanging out from her shirt for all to see.
-Not allowed to watch porn on the flat screen plasma TV display screens.
-Not allowed to watch South Park when the day is slow (in honor of Skippy).

Here is a list of bad ideas from a UK co-op grocery store.

(Submitted by Jason Cyrus)

1. Do not let customers hear you pointing out how retarded they are. This will get you reprimanded.
2. Even if they asked where to put the basket while standing 2 feet away from the pile of baskets.
3. Even if the boss agrees with your comments.
4. Do not undo the tops of twist top beer bottles to punish the anti-social alcoholics that enter, with stale beer.
5. Do not stash cash-checking pens in hiding places “Because the morons in the garden centre keep losing them.”
6. Do not threaten to chop shoplifters hands off.
7. Do not threaten to put shoplifters in the freezers.
8. Do not threaten to imprison shoplifters in stock cages.
9. Do not threaten to do both 7 & 8 together.
10. Do not under any circumstances actually do these.
11. Do no get a pack of straws out and yell “Save the booze!” when a cage of alcohol smashes in the back.
12. Do not actively insult company stupidity for making said smashed cage so heavy it fell off the back of the truck because the wheel jammed and tipped it.
13. Do not push a cage so fast it’s liable to kill a small child if you don’t see them.
14. Do not push a loose stock cage so fast it’s liable to kill you.
15. Remember to secure stock appropriately when you try 14 anyway; a case of fast moving soda to the groin is NOT fun.
16. Do not insult managers when they don’t have a clue.
17. Especially in public.
18. Even when they fully agree with you.
19. Even if staff from the last store he worked for comes in and starts the conversation first.
20. Do not publicly mock other customers.
21. Do not go “Ape shit” at a female customer who’s PMSing.
22. Even if she is burying you in cuss words and is a junkie.
23. Even if she deserves it.
24. When held at knife/gun point and asked for the till do not tell them where the safe keys are because you hope management will get stabbed/shot.
25. Even if they’d do the same to you.
26. Do not ignore standard stock rotations just to get the job done quickly.
27. Even if its awesome to find cans/jars/boxes from over a decade ago lurking at the back of shelves.
28. Do not squirrel away alcohol that is rare and has been mis-priced.
29. Do no reduce items more for yourself.
30. Don’t try to convince managers to support this method.
31. Don’t mock managers when they do it themselves when they think you aren’t looking.
32. Don’t blame a recently-left manager (sacked or otherwise) for overly reducing items you get caught with.
33. Don’t turn off the cameras late at night and play “Dive through the displays.” It hurts when full boxes are buried underneath the toilet paper.
34. Don’t encourage disliked managers to show off their strength by lifting things very likely to injure them.
35. Don’t check the disused box bailer in case you can successfully fake an industrial accident with above manager.
36. Do not play trolley racing with long trolley lines and lots of traffic.
37. Don’t make menacing gestures to youngsters who are vandalizing trolleys.
38. Never under any circumstances chase down shop lifters and give them a kicking.
39. If you catch a shop lifter never try to push him into traffic so he can’t get away.
40. Never tell the police your manager is lying to them when he says shop lifters damaged the main doors in the struggle when it was his fat ass.
41. Never tell said manager you did this.
42. Never threaten the previous night kiosk shift with insertion of miniature bottles in orifices for leaving a mess the night before.
43. Never threaten similar violence for other offenses like not turning off the lottery point so you can’t get accurate printouts.
44. Don’t threaten to put that same shift in the disused bailer for not tying up the magazines correctly so they get left and not taken away.
45. Don’t cuss out the magazine supplier for short-stacking you with major selling items.
46. Especially if a nearby colleague is on the phone with them and you can be heard.
47. Don’t publicly mock fellow employees for being so stupid they must have been thrown down a flight of stairs at birth.
48. Even when everyone else agrees and does so as well.
49. Don’t make said stupid employee cry/want to kill themselves even if it will benefit humanity.
50. Don’t mock employees who come into a Sunday shift with really bad hangovers.
51. Do not hide their orange juice/pain killers when this happens just to see how long they last before they ask you for money to get more.
52. Don’t threaten customers who break jars and leave them laying without telling you, with contaminated products if they do it again.
53. Don’t flirt with customers.
54. Even if they are smoking hot and enjoying the attention.
55. Don’t threaten Chavs/neds/hoodies with extreme physical violence for entering your store.
56. Do not attempt to go through with this threat when you catch them shop lifting.
57. Do not go “Off the deep end” at 15 year old girls flirting with you in an annoying way and annoying other customers.
58. Do not encourage customers to “Slap the stupid” out of the above.
59. Do not tell the customers you hope that burning smell is the store burning down.
60. Do not communicate your avid disappointment when its a false alarm.
61. Do not shout “Woohoo” when the store is actually on fire and start taking bets on if it’ll spread.
62. Do not get pissed at second manager for ruining the product display you made to impress the store manager.
63. Do not rig wine bottles to stick to the shelves on your last week at work so they’ll slip and break when you aren’t there.
64. Do not put items through as waste “Because no one buys it and I need more shelf space.”

And once again it is Monday, and time for another list update.  This list comes courtesy of a chemistry professor, who would like to not be named because it might interfere with getting tenure later.

(Submitted by Professor Anonymous)

1) Chemical burns are not badges of honor.

2) Yes, as a matter of fact, my dry ice privileges can be revoked

.

3) Should not refer to teaching a freshman course as “destruct testing the lab”.

4) “Design and build a still” is not an acceptable extra-credit assignment.

5) Telling students that harmless chemicals are poisonous is an inappropriate way to encourage lab safety habits.

6) Telling students that poisonous chemicals are harmless is an inappropriate way to avoid grading their lab reports.

7) Cannot reheat my lunch using a furnace, Bunsen burner or laser.

8) No one in the lab is named Igor, so I had better stop talking to him.

9) Movie star sunglasses are not an acceptable replacement for safety goggles.

10) Not allowed to add food coloring and dry ice to my experiments, to make them green and bubbly. Unless the Dean is visiting.

11) I may not wear such a short skirt that it looks like I am going commando under my lab coat. Unless the Dean is visiting.

12) It’s okay to invent technobabble to impress the Dean. It’s not okay to use technobabble from Star Trek.

13) I had better have a good reason for saying any of the following:
*Eureka!
*Uh-oh
*Where’s the fire extinguisher?

14) There is no good reason for maniacal laughter.

15) I am allowed to dress as a mad scientist on Halloween. Not when potential donors are touring the labs.

16) Excessive radiation exposure will not turn me into a superhero. It will turn me into a corpse.

17) Monty Python references have no place in my lab notebook.

18) I am not a “lolscientist” and thus have no excuse for being “in ur suply clozet, stealin ur glaswar”.

19) Cannot use unnecessary Radiation signs to keep students out of my lab and away from delicate equipment.

20) Cannot tell students that real Radiation signs are just there to keep people out.

21) Cannot place Biohazard signs in the restroom or the break room fridge.

22) It is my fault that the biochemists didn’t get the joke and started storing biological samples in the break room fridge. I now owe the department a new fridge.

23) My warning sign privileges have been revoked.

Submitted by someone who wishes to remain both nameless and employed)

1. Not allowed to swear at customers

2. Not allowed to swear in front of customers

3. If a customer is walking away, viagra 40mg it still counts

4. Not allowed to eat in front of customers

5. Not allowed to go on cigarette breaks too often

6. Non-smokers are not allowed frequent breaks to do any of the following: drink alcohol, eat candy, drink coffee, read pornography, kill time, or take any kind of drugs

7. When greeting customers, “How may I help?” is preferred to “Oh gods, another one! Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

8. Especially when the manager is in the queue

9. Not allowed to switch the broadcast system to a station belonging to a rival company

10. Even if they have better music and it’s funny to watch the confused look on customers faces when adverts for someone else’s products come on

11. The broadcast system can’t be used to play CDs, and if it could, we wouldn’t play pirate metal, rock-grass, Pink Floyd or anything that might cause local Christians to boycott the store

12. Saying “Arrrr!” in every conversation is not a good enough justification for pirate metal

13. If it was written by Steven Lynch, I should assume it will never ever be played in store

14. Can’t refuse to authorise the pumps just because a customer has a crappy car

15. Can’t refuse to authorise the pumps for religious reasons

16. Can’t refuse to authorise the pumps because a coworker is on their cigarette break (even though you shouldn’t mix fire and petroleum)

17. Selling fuel which damages the environment does not necessarily make us the “bad guys”

18. Being the “bad guys” doesn’t mean I need a black moustache and an evil laugh

19. Saying the service charge on plastic bags goes towards the staff booze fund doesn’t make it true

20. You can’t commune with any god by resting your head against the microwave

21. The Jack Daniels bottle behind the counter is not “my baby”

22. Nobody I work with has any mafia ties

23. Nobody I work with is protected by the Dark Throne

24. The night shift are not goblins

25. Not allowed to suggest any form of punishment after the night shift’s latest blunder

26. Not allowed to suggest any form of medication to my superiors

27. Not allowed to flirt with customers I find attractive

28. Not allowed to flirt with customers I find moderately attractive

29. Not allowed to flirt with customers, full stop

30. The hot daughter/sister/friend of the person I’m serving still counts as a customer

31. Not allowed to flirt with staff either

32. Not allowed to use innuendos and double meanings on anyone over fifty. (I was bored, and they don’t really listen anyway.)

33. I can’t spend my time on the cash register looking for a specific toy in the Kinder Surprise

34. Secret shoppers are not “the Spanish Inquisition” even if we don’t expect them

35. Staff discount has a maximum limit

36. Staff discount does not apply to fuel, alcohol, or to people who aren’t actually staff

37. Any movie with a title along the lines of “Killer …… From ……” does not need to be discussed, quoted or re-enacted while working

38. Employees should not quote from any of the following: Frankenstein, The Shining, Any of the Hannibal Lecter films, Any of the Alien films, Star Wars, Star Trek, or Starcraft

39. The drop chute that leads to the safe is not the magic Wizards’ cave

40. Calling in sick after the manager saw you at a bar dancing on a table with a tequila bottle in each hand will earn you a disciplinary hearing

41. “I like chilli” Is not an appropriate response to a customer complaint (even if it was about chilli)

42. Wearing someone else’s nametag doesn’t mean it wasn’t my fault

43. “I’m incompetent” is not and never will be an appropriate response to a customer complaint

44. “Everybody does it” is not a valid excuse

45. “Playing the race card” is not something we do when dealing with an irate customer

46. “Customer service” means being polite and helpful to customers and not mentioning any of their (many) failings

47. If I get put on the early shift, I’m not allowed to scream as I walk past the manager’s house at five in the morning on my way to work

48. Especially if it turns out they don’t live there

49. The automatic lock-in system is not to be used on shoplifters

50. Staff are not allowed to show up to work drunk

51. Even if that member of staff is the youngest one there and the others have all set a bad example

52. Singing off-colour songs while stacking shelves is frowned upon

53. Even if key words are replaced with the names of our products

54. If songs are out, it should be assumed that interpretive dance is too

55. When stacking shelves, I should not say “who buys this shit anyway?”

56. I can’t change company policy

57. Obscene nicknames do not need to be used at work

58. The bell used to call for assistance does not invoke a “Pavlovian response” and nobody should drool when they hear it

59. Malfunctioning equipment is not an incitement to panic

60. Falling asleep in cupboards is bad – doubly so if waiting customers can see you

61. A lunch break is the amount of time we are allowed by the company for lunch, not the amount of time it actually takes to eat it

62. “He’s locked in the freezer” is not to be used to explain why staff are not at the cash register

63. Not allowed to lock staff in the freezer

64. Not allowed to give customers large amounts of change in pennies

65. Not allowed to make customers wait while refilling the register with larger denominations of change

66. (related to the above) Not allowed to point out that the last two things I was told contradict each other

67. A police helicopter hovering over the station is not an incitement to panic

68. A police officer requesting to see the station CCTV tapes is not an incitement to panic

69. Nobody wants to hear what medication the doctor put me on this week

70. Puppies are not allowed inside the station

71. We are not allowed to hold a competition to see who can serve the ugliest customer

72. We are not allowed to win said competition by serving the manager

73. We are not allowed to discuss how stupid/ugly/drunk/incompetent our coworkers are in front of customers

74. We are not allowed to voice opinions which conflict with company views or belittle the company while serving customers

75. Cool people, bikers and family members do not have right of way at the pumps

76. If a customer stands at a register that isn’t mine, I should still serve them

77. The Tannoy system is not a toy

78. I don’t have seniority over anyone

79. Meeting a famous person doesn’t automatically grant seniority

80. Growing a beard doesn’t automatically grant seniority

81. No one working at our station has a title, and if they did, it wouldn’t automatically grant seniority

82. Co workers who come from another station are not “temps” and I don’t have seniority over them, either

83. None of the coffee machines are trying to kill me

84. Mixing coffee with disinfectant – even accidentally – is wrong

85. Getting cocktail recommendations from customers is not an efficient use of company time

It’s that time of the week to once again show you a list of things that you should not do.  This list came with an introduction from the author.

I worked in an amusement park for about three years (summers only, as that shit closes down when it gets cold. No one wants to hit the batting cages in January). It was not a “name” amusement park; we were very low-rent, even by New Jersey shore standards. We were several miles from the local boardwalk, and were pretty much only visited by people who could not afford the boardwalk, or the gas to the boardwalk, and in some cases, didn’t own the car required to get the gas to get to the boardwalk. Upkeep was kind of a joke. Anyway, we (the teenage workers, or in the less successful cases, the twenty-somethings) got bored rather frequently. Only on specific days did we get much foot traffic, and that was because we did deals that gave people free reign for something like ten bucks (yeah, *that* low rent). Because of this, we got up to what can only be described as nearly criminal levels of irresponsible and somewhat reckless behavior. We also just did things that in today’s litigious society would cause enough lawsuits to make us have to change the cheap pirate theme to whatever the new owner desired. Here’s some of what that stuff was:

Things You Should Not Do While Working At The Amusement Park

(Submitted By Sean Beattie)

1. When walking the mini-golf course for maintenance, don’t make customers take penalty strokes for trying the “Happy Gilmore”.

2. Don’t trip them for doing the same, in the middle of the backswing.

3. Not allowed to play a practice round in the course, while on duty, “just to check the break on the greens”.

4. Not allowed to ask to play through while doing same, and then cause the hole to be closed because of what you did.

5. You know what you did, dammit, now stop acting like you didn’t do it.

6. While mowing the grass around the course, not allowed to keep the naturally-growing marijuana secret because your coworkers are working on a “grow farm” while on the job.

7. The final hole of the course is hard because we reward those who get a hole in one, and lose money if you tell people how to do so. Repeatedly.

8. The lagoon is not for bathing. Especially while customers are on the course.

9. Neither is the waterfall…during a birthday party, what the hell were you thinking?

10. The archery range is for archery. The paintball range is for paintball. Don’t confuse the two.

11. When checking the fuel level of the generator, your Zippo is not proper illumination.

12. If you can’t drive stick, don’t take the truck on the highway. Ever.

13. No matter how bad of a day you’re having, or how much of a pain in the ass a customer is being, you are not allowed to cork his batting cage machine with a softball, then say his cage is out of order.

14. Five times.

15. The customer is always right; even if that kid was too small to enter the batting cages by himself. Even if the helmet made him look like Dark Helmet because the brim hit his nose. Even if he couldn’t lift the lightest bat available. Even if he ended up standing on the home base in the middle of the cage and got hit in the face as a result.

16. Don’t laugh when the mother asks for her money back. That’s management’s job.

17. The batting cage netting is not to be climbed on.

18. Even if you are in a Spider-Man costume because you got volunteered, and were staying “in character”.

19. If the parents didn’t pay extra for it, don’t visit the birthday parties in costume, despite how much the kids will love it.

20. When working the water balloon slingshot battle, do not give extra “help” to the girls wearing bikinis.

21. Or play against them.

22. Do not attempt to talk a girl into playing the water balloon battle, just because she’s wearing a white tank top and nothing underneath.

23. The hose is for washing down the pavement of the water balloon battle. Not to “even things up”.

24. I don’t care how hot she was, she didn’t want to get wet.

25. Just because you can, does not mean you should use the water balloon slingshot to hit passing traffic on the highway.

26. That officer really didn’t appreciate that.

27. Only management is allowed to revoke the “free reign” rights of a $10 wristband holder; you can’t “separate the wheat from the chaff” yourself.

28. But that kid who pointed the readied bow at you did deserve it.

29. Watch your ass cleaning up the archery range on wristband days. Those jackals will take arrows, and your life, for themselves if you’re not careful.

30. Don’t put a semi-broken helmet from the batting cages on, and rush around the park like a bull with your head down.

31. Don’t charge from one end of the parking lot to the ticket booth, throw your head down, and slam into the wall of the booth, just to test the same broken helmet.

32. Batting cage machines are for batters to hit balls; not to hit batters with balls.

33. The joust is for customers to play; not to settle grievances with middle managers of the park.

34. No matter how cool it is to watch your scrawny ass get knocked off the inflatable bit the first hit from the manager.

35. The go-karts are not to be used for Death Race. Just…don’t.

36. Not allowed to re-enact the “gas fight” from Zoolander while filling up the go-karts’ tanks.

37. Not allowed to rig the protective band around the go-karts to spark while running around the track, because you know where the guy who did #36 will be watching the race.

38. The go-kart manager is easily angered. Do not test this.

39. If you’re going to drop someone’s soda, don’t drop the go-kart manager’s. He will end you.

40. The go-kart manager is a huge comic nerd. Don’t tell him you like the first Spider-Man movie. He didn’t.

41. The bumper boat pool is for bumper boats. Not skinny dipping.

42. The park installed security cameras for after-hours. We know it was you in the bumper boat pool.

43. The kiddie park…just don’t go near the kiddie park after-hours. That’s wrong.

44. If the go-kart manager, who also manages the bumper boats, calls you a sadistic bastard for spraying the kids with a focused-nozzle hose after they spray you with their 1 psi water guns, then stop it. We use that to power wash with.

45. The water jet explosions in the bumper boat pool are not to be activated while the water is lowered for maintenance and the go-kart manager is the one maintaining.

46. Especially if he’s working on said jets at the time.

47. You are not allowed to chase geese in the ball picker on the driving range.

48. You are not allowed to chase people in the ball picker on the driving range, no matter if we have ten signs that tell customers not to chase balls that don’t go far enough for their liking.

49. Not allowed to take the ball picker off the driving range, just to “do something cool” with the collector.

50. If your supervisor asks you to turn your uniform shirt inside out, go to a competitor’s park and hand out coupons for ours, don’t.

51. Don’t talk the guys in the arcade into giving you infinite lives in the video games just so you can make it to the ending.

52. The trailer in the back of the park is there because one of the workers got kicked out of his house and needs a place to stay. It’s not a nightclub just because he put up Christmas lights and got the fridge to work.

53. If he brings his girlfriend back there with us, they will not be shy when it’s “time to go to bed”.

54. They will take it as an insult, however, if you bring 3D glasses and popcorn, expecting it to happen.

55. After-hours go-karting on the track is forbidden.

56. After-hours go-karting off the track is forbidden. The police will respond.

57. Don’t get drunk, and do either 55 or 56; it won’t help the situation when the police respond and you run.

58. Employees are no longer allowed to ride the go-karts. You ruined it for everybody, guys. Way to go.

59. Your time sheets are subjective. Be prepared to fight for your agreed upon wage.

60. Customers believe they own the park because they paid “you” (the park) five bucks. Let them believe this, as it is probably the best feeling their lives will allow.

61. Do not point and laugh when a customer is hit in the crotch by the batting cage machine, no matter how off-center it is.

62. Do not tell the injured customer that he can now audition for Jesus Christ Superstar with his new falsetto.

63. Never turn your back on the flow of traffic on the go-kart track while correcting a turned around go-kart. Just because they can see you, doesn’t mean they can, or will, stop.

64. If you jump to avoid getting hit by the go-kart mentioned above, try not scissor the neck of the driver between your legs. You get sweaty out there on the track and they will notice.

65. “No bumping” applies to everyone on the track. As a track race attendant you are expected to enforce, not exempt yourself, from this rule.

66. Even if the guy in the lead is being a total dick.

67. The kill switch is for stopping the flow of traffic during a crash. Not ending a race because they don’t know how to drive the damn karts.

68. Not allowed to rig a crude cannon by welding together metal end caps and a pipe, filling one end with acetylene and then lighting the other end with a blowtorch.

69. And no, the driving range does not want those balls back after you fired them from your cannon.

70. That cannon was awesome, though.

71. The ticket booth is for selling tickets.

72. Even if no one can see what they’re doing below the counter of that booth to you.

73. And if you’re going to do #71, don’t act like every sale is a miracle. The customers will catch on.

74. Stop quoting “Super Troopers” when the little kids are around.

75. When re-filling the soda machines, you cannot give away some, and then chalk it up to “universal entropy”.

76. Bank shots are not allowed on the mini golf course. They never work.