Archive for the ‘New List’ Category

(Submitted by Soulex?)

1) Not allowed to roll around on the ground in my underwear
2) Not allowed to respond with a death glare when told to do something
3) When asked what I am doing by a SGM I am not allowed to respond with “looking for naked pictures of your mother”
4) As a private, I have no rights
5) I am not allowed to laugh when an NCO tells me he’s a bigger man than I am
6) Nor am I allowed to inquire why a big man can’t take out his own trash or mop his own floors
7) I am not allowed to come to PT wearing a pro mask, even if a certain other private stinks
8) I cannot force someone to take a shower
9) Do not cutoff the CG during a brief anymore midsentence
10) Even though my Dad said I can come home, the Army wont let me
11) I am not allowed to change genders as it will get me kicked out of the military
12) Even if I cover all medical expenses
13) Do not show up to a PT test with a Mountain Dew can and a cigarette lackadaisically to cheer on other soldiers
14) Even if my captain does it
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(Submitted by Anonymous)

1: It is perfectly legal to call the MP’s to escort your platoon SGT away from your off post residence if he shows up for a surprise inspection at 9 PM while you are on leave.

2: While your spouse is a civilian and technically allowed to talk to the post commander if she wants to, its not recommended to use this to solve pay issues.

3: Even if you have tried for 6 months to get it fixed through your chain of command and the military owes you over 3 grand.

4: “Take control of your spouse” is not a lawful order.

5: You are not authorized to send emails to the G-6 in “leet speak”

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(Submitted by Dave Snow)

• You may not tattoo your rank onto your “private part” and tell your commander to go ahead and pull rank on you.

(Submitted by Jennie)

• Do not send newbs after 40 ft of flightline (they will wander for hours through the squadron looking for it, only to be told by the CMC that there is no such thing and then will be asked who sent them after it …)
• The large hole in the tail of an S3 Viking is not your personal “pleasure hole,” even if it’s 3am and you’re bored with rover watch (wasn’t me, but a guy in our shop)
• The gigline is part of your uniform, not some bit of string that you need to go find and I should not sent newbs after such fictional items…
• Dehydrating oneself to the point of vomiting and then showing up @ sick bay the next morning is not wise … especially if you’re underage and there’s a bottle of whiskey in your fridge when Chief shows up to do an inspection …
• Broken middle finger does NOT give you a license to flip off the officers … even if they can’t tell the difference.
• If I tackle you because you walked in front of a turning engine, you cannot have me NJP’d for assaulting an officer …
• Telling your POFC that you were late because you were getting some really great ass is not an excuse for being late …
• Wandering onto the flight line complete delirious and hopped up on monster is not wise … especially when it’s your bird getting ready to go … and you’ve got 10 minutes to complete the full pre-flight inspection

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(Submitted by Stitch)

My job involves using the radio a lot. There are certain do’s and don’ts which I have learned from the big stack of complaints in my personnel file…

1: My callsign is K31, not Motormouth.

2: Nor is it Artemis.

3: Must not refer to colleagues by nicknames on the radio (such as Bossman, Robocop or Dodgyman.)

4: The controller’s callsign is Control, not Sweetheart.

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Skippy (or enslaved staffer), (Note from skippy: Enslaved staffer! I want one of those!)

What follows is my meager attempt at adding a few items to your list.  As in the original, everything on this list either happened to myself, or to a close friend (the two of us have a bit of a rep).  Spreading a little bit of insanity every day while deployed to Afghanistan actually kept us sane.  Most of these list items have stories that go with them, and I will gladly share them with your readers if you and they ask for it.

So anyways, here goes.  A list of things I’m no longer allowed to do in a Canadian Army Weapons Maintenance Shop:

(Submited by Tekno)

1.) “It’s a device to make you ask stupid questions.  I see it works well.”  Is never an appropriate answer when someone asks me what I’m doing.

2.) A hammer is very rarely the appropriate tool to use when fixing small arms.

3.) A sledge hammer is never the appropriate tool to use when fixing small arms.

a.) Especially if the operator is watching.

4.) The “Weapon Gods” to not exist, and we do not need to sacrifice a pistol before range practice.

5.) Pants must be worn in the vehicles at all times.

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With apologies to the non-gamers, who will probably not understand what most of this means.

(Submitted by Soulex)

1. Hunters are not supposed to melee, do not claim to be a melee hunter and get in the thick of battle.

2. Warriors are for tanking first; if you do not have a shield you are a dumbass and will not get groups.

3. Do not report the warlock for “ninjaing” soul shards.

4. Becoming hated with goblins for the Bloodsail Buccaneers outfit is worth it.

5. Using those furry bear fist weapons, and having a bear mask makes you a badass, and you should go gank noobs.

6. So does a wedding dress and a broom with fiery enchant.

7. Completing a raid using a Mining Pick and a BlackSmith hammer is not acceptable, even if your GM didn’t notice until the last fight.

8. Even if you did it because they gave a good 1h to a hunter who wont ever use it.

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Note from submitter:

I have done most of these, but those that I have not personally done others have. I retain my job because I am polite to the customers (within their hearing) and “dementedly funny” the rest of the time. (I quote my department boss there.) Some insanity is, I firmly believe, absolutely vital for surviving a 9 hour shift with a bunch of people that you might not spend time with if you were not forced to work together. Most places I have worked are worthy of lists like this, and I believe that every employee ever could put a list together. Unless you are a sad, dull, boring horrible person. In which case do six to eight tequila slammers and then try again. You might not do any better, but at least it will seem more amusing because you are drunk.

(Submitted by Catherine)

• Not to build forts with empty boxes
• Not to build castles with empty boxes
• Not to leave a list of employee names for the manager with the heading “need firing”
• Even if they do.
• I am not allowed to declare martial law.
• Not to refer to the stockboys as “grunts”

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Last week I got the following email:

Hey after the first petrol station list and the amount of replies it got, I figured you might want this one, there’s been a few management changes were I work and a couple of policies got altered, so without further ado, here’s the Anonymous and Still Employed list Part 2:

(Submitted by Anonymous and Still Employed)

1.       Staff can’t take items from the lost and found home to their new puppy

2.       Price tags do not belong on important equipment such as the cash register, coffee machines, or the automatic doors

3.       The shift ends when the clock on the wall says so, not when my wristwatch does – Especially when my watch stopped three days ago

4.       Not allowed to change the time on the wall clock

5.       Not even when I point out that it changes anyway

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This past August, I had the film-geeky pleasure of working on my first legitimate television or film property; I mean “legitimate” in that we had a real crew of professionals, near-top-notch equipment, had casting sessions, etc. I was personally involved from pre-production (casting, script reviews, etc.) on through the final day of shooting (when I touch film editing programs, computers stop liking me).

The project is a webseries called “Issues: The Series”, and the first episode debuted on January 7th of this New Year. The director, Scott Napolitano, is a high school buddy of mine who brought this idea to fruition in the wildly successful wake of other webseries such as “The Guild” and “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog”. The basic premise surrounds the customers and employees of a NJ comic shop. We tried to create an image of a comic book fan (or “bookie” as we call them) that wasn’t the Comic Book Nerd from the Simpsons, as funny as that stereotype was. The cast and crew are mostly comic fans ourselves in one way or another, so this was a labor of love and an expression of our interests coming together.

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And here it is as promised, yesterday’s list.

(Submitted by Nameless, to protect the innocent guilty

1.        “Spray and Pray” applies to many, many things that have nothing to do with mil-issued weapon systems.
2.       It’s not a great party until someone loses rank.
3.       Unless you have enough evidence to cause rank loss but are withholding it for whatever OPSEC reasons apply.
4.       While it is great to respect a Vet even if some choose to wear mil-issue clothes mixed with jeans to the bar after their discharge, it is unforgivably sad for a “vet” who was “wounded” right before entering a combat zone causing his medical discharge to do the same thing.
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