Archive for the ‘New List’ Category

(Submitted by JP)
1. Not allowed to reference the holocaust.
2. Ever.
3. Regarding anything.
4. Not allowed to use big words teachers don’t understand to insult them.
5. Not allowed to also mention that you dropped out of a city college.
6. An executives office should never be below 60 degrees.
7. Not allowed to turn the HVAC system down to Arctic temperatures according to who pissed
you off that day.
8. Not allowed to cook them either.
9. Not allowed to put indignant employees on hold for an indefinite amount of time.
10. Maximum hold time should be no more than 1 minute.
11. Not allowed to tell building occupants that you have a “secret property manager escape during the event of an accident that will get you away from danger in seconds.” They will believe you.
12. Not allowed to write detailed letters to the tech department regarding their security flaws and how you exploited them. They will never fix them.
13. Not allowed to spoof the Superintendents email address and then proceed to tell the tech department how stupid they are.
14. Not allowed to find security flaws in the building access system.
15. Not allowed to exploit said flaws after 6 months of badgering them to fix the problem. This will only cause you more problems.
16. Not allowed to involve the police chief on said security flaws. He cant protect you.
17. Not to tell terminally ill people you would “love to trade spots.”
18. Pointing out someones stupidity will result in you having to try to fix them.
19. When asked to transfer a call the proper response is not, “Why didn’t you just call them directly. I am not a receptionist. Their extension is x*****. Go call them.”
20. Explaining to someone on the phone that its faster to just call someone directly is also not allowed.
21. Don’t set up office phones to forward to peoples personal cell phones. It doesn’t matter that they never return phone calls.
22. When an occupant yells at you because your coworkers don’t return their calls, do not commiserate with them. Just fix it.
23. Not allowed to use the facilities for personal gain. Nor may your charity, LLC, Corp, or anything else you are affiliated with.
24. Not allowed to put Machiavelli quotes up as the quote of the day.
25. Not on Evernote either.
26. During religious discussion, you are not allowed to talk about your imaginary friends. You think this is discriminatory. Everyone else finds it offensive.
27. Not allowed to bring back corporal punishment.
28. Or torture, stocks, beheading, the 80’s, water boarding or anything else that could be perceived offensive by anyone.
29. Not allowed to distribute software that allows employees to get around the internet filtering program.
30. Not allowed to talk nonsense over the radio.
31. No German over the radio.
32. No radio.
33. Not allowed to tell employees, “If you cannot do X, in the future instead of failing just tell me and I will do it. You have now created more work then we started out with. Thanks.” You will get a phone call from a union.
34. Not allowed to harass the unions.
35. Not allowed to insult union leaders while they are speaking to the news and live on the air.
36. Your title is not “Untermensch.”
37. Don’t tell upper management that if they dont like it they can fire you. Even though they wont actually fire you.
38. Stop proving 37.
40. You are not allowed to carry master keys to anything.
41. Cannot fabricate master keys or master key cards or any variation of the previous.
42. When going on a smoke break, referring to it as “getting cancer” can be viewed as offensive.
43. So is thanking god for anti-depressants in front of the occupant.
44. Not allowed on the roof under any circumstances.
45. Not allowed to point out that traffic in front of the building would be just as effective as the roof.
46. Not allowed to harass the protesters.
47. Not allowed to pretend to be a protester after work, in order to harass the protesters.
48. Laughing maniacally after denying protesters use of the restroom is not allowed. (Nearest restroom is at least a 1 mile uphill walk.)
49. Not allowed to build, test, distribute, or even talk about computer viruses.
50. Not allowed to bring your bike into the office with you.

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(Submitted by Len)

-Don’t forget your parade boots for Remembrance Day

-BUTTONS!

-Meet your timings or it could be 50 pushups

-There’s a name for people who try to take assault the trench, after throwing the grenade 30 meters, with 8 rounds left in their 9th and final magazine: Casualty.
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(Submitted by Andy S)

• Must not steal, BBQ and eat the chicken that the CO received as a gift from some local farmers
• Must not steal the padre’s cross, soak it in naptha and set it in upright in the ground then light it on fire…even if your unit has been on Ex for almost 6 months.

(Submitted by Live Wolf)

• When testing the catapults on an Aircraft Carrier, do not request permission to be the Test Pilot for the test load.
• Do not show up wearing flight gear and Scuba tanks on the chance they will change their minds.

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(Submitted by PFC Van Emden)
I’m in AIT to be a 35T, and its fucking boring but some funny shit happens…

1. If it looks good and tastes good, you’ll probably end up at sick call next week with “strep throat” (not mine)
2. When asked who you would next like to give a brief for class its not a good idea to say ” SGT. C, I choose you” and throw an invisible Pokeball at him.
3. Don’t clear hotel rooms with Nerf guns if your not staying in them.
4. Since this is TRADOC we aren’t supposed to party, so Don’t throw a hotel party between 2 CSM’s rooms.
5. Don’t pull a Superman impersonation by jumping off the back of a moving HUMMWV, the ground is stronger than your will. (not mine)
6. If he has a 2nd LT bar on it means hes an officer and I should not tell him to “Shut the fuck up…Sir. I got this.” While on an ARM range.
7. Never attempt to prove a COL wrong, even if you are, in fact, right.
8. My senior PSG has never been to Georgia, therefore the Charlie Daniels song doesn’t apply to him, and I should not suggest that it does again.
9. While in Routers class its not advisable to suddenly stand up and shout, ” Oh my god, we’re in trouble… What are we gonna do, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO??? (voice change) I’m going to do my laundry. Can I please have some change?”
10. It is not advisable to call cadences that are derogatory to paratroopers, in front of Airborne officers… They don’t like it.
11. I must not pass out while pissing for a piss test. (not mine)
12. Never imply that Texas sucks when your entire chain of command is from Texas.
13.Must not tell the CQ SSG that she can’t say that your drunk because “you’re drunker” It doesn’t go over well the next day when everyone’s hungover.
14. Hookers do not, nor will they ever, accept food stamps.
15. I must not yell “Hail Satan,” at children on the side of the road when they’re holding religious signs.
16. Jedi is not a religion that the Army recognizes and I should stop telling people that I am a Sith Lord.
17. Its not funny to shut peoples routers off remotely, even if he is a complete douche-bag.

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Things I have learnt attending hockey games; from professional to my friends’ kids.

(Submitted by Lorna)
1) I am not allowed to call the very big men with blunt weapons “A BUNCH OF SISSIES!” and hide behind my brother. Or my friend’s husband. Or my tiny blonde friend.
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So the other night while my wife was just beginning the birthing process, I made a post about inappropriate music to play during labor.

I was too busy to write much of anything, but here is a list of music that I discussed with my wife, which she also vetoed.

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(Submitted by Andrew S)

My father was in Antarctica as a civilian contractor for NSF, and had some interesting stories. and some rules. Note this was a very small station and crew. The cook, medic, diesel mechanic, carpenter, station manager, Ornithologist, and weather radar operator (My Dad). Only 6 people were there at a time, the station manager had broken his foot over the summer, and was flown in to see if the carpenter needed to be flown out. Manager stayed, carpenter left.

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(Submitted by AFP)

1) If my desk happens to be located in a hallway, I am not allowed to charge a 25 cent toll for each person who walks past my desk.

1b) Especially if it is one of the LT’s running back and forth working on a project for the BCE.

1c) Not even “To support the squadron Booster Club”

2) Not allowed to forget my lightweight blue jacket on Mondays. This makes it rain sideways.

3) Not allowed to have a stripper pole and stage built in the breakroom.

3a) Not even if one of the sergeants in the Structures shop already has the whole thing drawn out and planned in detail.

3b) Not even if it can be built entirely from scrap materials or things purchased cheaply from Lowe’s Hardware.

3c) Not even if all tips go to the Squadron Booster club.

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(Submitted by gEiStToG)

1. Not allowed to openly say how much easier it would be to let loose Z-Day in Afghanistan
2. As per rule 1, but applies to Iraq
3. Not allowed to suggest Z-Day as a means to an end for any conflict ridden country.
4. Not allowed to reserve the AHA in the defense that it is the “Best place to fight off the zombies”
5. Not allowed to bring Bolt Cutters with me to the AHA “Just encase IT happens”
6. Not allowed to assume old sluggish Iraqi’s that are hunched over on the sides of the street to be zombies.
7. Not allowed to request to open fire on said Iraqi Zombies
8. (Not me) Not allowed to throw bottles of water at Iraqi Checkpoint Guards who should have been stopping traffic to get their attention.
9. (Again not me) Not allowed to Fire Pen Flares at said Guards.
10. (Not me still) Just can’t throw anything at the guards.
11. Same goes for throwing candy at groups of children, it’s very rude even if you’re not hitting them.
12. Not allowed to request the use of the MK-19 as a backup weapon to better fight off the Zombies.
13. Not allowed to state that the building the new soldiers moved into was the site of mass murders.
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(Submitted by Kat)

1. Not allowed to make the new person get the signature for the schizo

2. Not allowed to make the new person get the signature for the cracked out alcoholic

3. You know what, if they’re screaming, cursing, muttering to themselves or tied up, YOU get the signature

4. No, we can’t gag the patients (it’s against the law)

5. No we can’t sedate them either

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