Archive for the ‘Crazy even for here’ Category

Lately something seems to have set off my muse. Maybe if I can keep doing one design like this a week, I can print up a set of shirts and head out to the convention circuit.
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Some days, I have too much free time on my hands.

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So I’ve spent a bit more time than I should be comfortable admitting to thinking about the sex lives of children’s performers lately.

Lately my children have developed enough to start forming their own opinions on entertainment. So now my wife and I have started doing some experimentation with different things to see what they like. So our house is currently coated in a thin layer of toys and books. And we even tried out some children’s TV programs.

After viewing a few different shows, we discovered that the kids really seem to enjoy The Wiggles.  For those of you who don’t have small children, this is a musical group that consist of four improbably cheerful Australian men.  They do all of these ridiculously catchy, and somewhat educational songs.  If you watch an episode, you will wind up with a tune or two floating around your brain for the rest of the night.  As children’s shows go, this one isn’t too bad.  At least my kids didn’t fixate on Thomas the Train, or Blue’s Clues, both of which are just painful to witness.

So my wife and I find ourselves inadvertently to be fans of this musical group from Down Under.  It struck me as prudent to look up information about these guys since my kids were so into them, and I discovered that they actually do worldwide tours fairly regularly.  Incredibly lucrative tours that frequently sell out.  These guys are rock stars for the pre-schoolers.

And so I began to think on this.  When I was younger, I inadvertently learned one odd quirk about how the human female mind works.  The part of women’s brains that go, “Aww that guy is good with kids. I find that sweet.”  is evidently right next to the part that goes “I am going to bonk the hell out of that guy”.  From a purely biological standpoint this makes sense I guess.  I figure the internal logic is something along the lines: “Hey that guy can handle kids well.  I should totally let him do things to me that may result in some of those.”

So the Wiggles go on these tours, where hordes of parents, usually youngish women show up.  Women whose sex lives have probably taken a turn for the worse lately since they now have young children.  And they see that these guys not only have the near superpower of being awesome with kids, they are also in a band.

Human nature being what it is, I am pretty sure that this group is pretty much swimming in groupies.  I’m talking Elvis at his prime  levels of groupiedom.  It’s like the Wiggles are a Pakistani coastal village, and there is a Tsunami made up of horny MILFs about to wash over  them.

Most men would actually have trouble conceiving of the kind of action that these blokes have tossed their way on a regular basis.  These guys are probably fielding so many proposals that things that would seem like the wildest of fantasies to you and me are just boring and pedestrian to them.

Horny Fan:  “Anthony Wiggle! Me and my two hot friends want to come to your hotel room and take turns with you all day!”

Anthony Wiggles: “Okay, but what’s in it for me?”

Horny Fan: “But…We thought…we’d kind of hoped…that  you’d be excited about this…”

Anthony Wiggles: “Look lady, I can see how for you, a Menage a Quatre with one of the Wiggles is the wildest thing you have ever tried.  But for me it’s just…Tuesday afternoon.”

These guys have probably already gotten bored with the sort of freaky sexual escapades the rest of us have only dreamed of.  Hell, to get them interested now, someone would probably have to go pretty darned far out of what most people would consider their comfort zone.

Like all children’s performers, occasionally they have kids up on the stage singing and dancing with them.  And I am pretty sure that the Wiggles extract a freakish sexual price from the mothers that want their kids in the spotlight.

Show Mom:  “So…I wear this outfit and do whatever Jeffy wants, and my little Melissa get’s to sing on stage?”

Seedy Stage Manager: “That’s the deal lady.”

Show Mom:”But… this outfit is just a bridle and a butt-plug with a horse tail on it.”

Seedy Stage Manager: “Jeffy Wiggles likes ponies. What’s the problem?”

Show Mom: “Well I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with this.”

Seedy Stage Manager: “Look lady, do you want your daughter to sing the Self Esteem song or not?”

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This weekend I received the following email:

I AM VERY DISSAPOINTED THAT I HAVE NOT RECEIVED MY REPLACE MENT COUPON FOR SKIPPY CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER
ADDRESS REDACTED

Note that caps, spelling, and formatting was left alone to preserve the magic that was this email. (Except for removing his physical address)

Now despite the fact that my site has been up for a little over 8 years, I have never actually gotten an email from someone who has confused me for the peanut butter company before.

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In the past, I have worked in crappy customer service jobs ringing up purchases. And like most people who get to spend all day ringing people up, I got very bored. I used to entertain myself by examining the items that folks would buy, and try to figure out what was going on in their lives.

For instance, if a customer was buying hot dogs, buns, condiments and charcoal, I would think to myself, “That lady is going to have a barbecue.” If they were buying ice cream, candy, and diet soda I might think, “Who the hell does that guy think he’s fooling?” And if they were purchasing duct tape, plastic sheeting, a hacksaw and lye, I would think, “I should assure this gentleman that my memory is terrible, and that I have already forgotten ever seeing him. And then run away.”

Because of this I always assume that the people that ring me up are doing the same thing. Which has, on occasion, made me feel bizarrely self-conscious about the things that I am buying.

Just the other day I found myself in need of a trip to the store. I only needed a few things, and here’s how it went for me.

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One fun thing about having two babies. They make noise.

Sometimes quite a bit of it.

Frequently for long stretches of time.

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Shortly before my wife gave birth, I finally got around to seeing “The Sound of Music”. I’ve never been particularly interested in seeing it before, but as most readers have no doubt realized, when my wife was pregnant, we pretty much did whatever she wanted.

Partially because I wanted to do whatever I could to make her feel better. But mostly because I’m pretty sure that a pregnant woman could claim temporary insanity, and we own a great many pointy objects.

For the most part, I found it to be a rather bland family comedy movie, with some rather distinctive music. While that particular brand of show-tune doesn’t really do it for me, I have to admit that the songs have left their impact on musical culture. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve seen those same songs performed in another show or movie.

Spoiler alert

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And I raise you video footage of one of the heads of the lizard conspiracy movement.

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Evidently he is some sort of human/lizard hybrid.

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So last week I showed my readers that the zombie apocalypse had begun.  And this week Michael demonstrated that the problem has evidently been spreading.

Well I have recently realized that the problem is bigger and worse than originally suspected.

You see if you read the article I referenced, you will notice that the zombie in question yelled in Spanish at his victim.  Now we all know that zombies can’t talk.  But sometimes, when a victim has first been infected, they get a bit chompy, while still retaining a few shreds of their intellect.  This was clearly the case in New Orleans last week.

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