SGT Johnson’s Retirement List

In the spirit of Skippy’s List here are some of the noteworthy moments of my career that were less than positive….

– Johnson may not translate the Commander’s surname from Russian into English for him, even if it DOES build morale in the unit.
– Johnson is not allowed to tell any senior leadership to “stop staring at my patches, or you’ll go blind” in front of their peers. Even if they were staring at her patches.
– Johnson is not allowed to say “It’s a mandatory fun event, so put on your mandatory smiles and leave everything else behind!” within earshot of the command at morale functions.
– Johnson is not allowed to ask the incoming Commander how to spell PT.
— Johnson is not allowed to advise the incoming Commander that the best PT for conditioning the whole body is the four-legged push up.
– When Johnson’s officer-in-charge asks himself what he’s going to do that afternoon, Johnson is not allowed to respond, “Probably nothing. You’re an officer, aren’t you?”
– Johnson is not allowed to tell the Executive Officer, “do you think I CARE what your boot size is? T.M.I.!.”
– Command decisions are not approved by a majority vote. Especially by votes from other units.
– Johnson will not say, “So what if I’m dating my subordinate? The rest of the squad is happy he’s out of their hair and doing more than his share of dorm duties now.”
– Johnson is not allowed to say “the fool who put me in for this coin doesn’t even know what I do” in front of her mentor, who did in fact put her name in for the coin.
– Johnson is not allowed to say to her activated Commander and Executive Officer, “You sell tires? And you’re a photographer? And you’re going to lead us in war? Are you SERIOUS?”
– Johnson is not allowed to play with children while wearing the uniform. Command gets too many calls….
– Johnson is no longer allowed to barge in on my supervisor taking a leak in his own bathroom, nor scream “GET OUT” using her demonic voice.
– Johnson may not decorate ANYONE’S desk space with 400+ Happy Meal toys ever again.
– Johnson may not give “estrogen enhancing gift packs” to any male, even if he IS the only one in the office space and she wants to help him fit in.
– Johnson is not allowed to make designs on her T shirt with glow in the dark paint.
– Johnson is not allowed to make designs on anyone else’s T shirt in glow in the dark paint.
– Johnson is not allowed to use “more effective means of getting the squad to comply with dorm standards”.
– Johnson is not allowed to say to the First Sergeant, “I am not gay. My track record should prove that.”
– Johnson is not allowed to make up her own classification levels. Even if they are both pertinent and funny.
– Johnson is not allowed to say “Did I SAY I was going to meet standards?”
– Johnson is not allowed to say “You’re right, I DID say I was going to meet standards. Just kidding.”
– Johnson is not allowed to get married in California anymore.
– Johnson is not allowed to interrupt anyone low crawling at Ft. McCoy who’s “out to get Charlie”.
– Johnson is not allowed to join anyone low crawling at Ft. McCoy who’s “out to get Charlie”.
– Johnson is not allowed to tell her Military Training Leader (Air Force Drill Sergeant) that her behavior is way outside of regulations in front of the flight.
– Johnson is not allowed to lead the rest of the convoy on “more fuel-efficient, time-saving routes”.
– Johnson is not allowed to practice her manual transmission driving on hills in a deuce-in-a-half.
– Johnson is not allowed to ask senior leadership “and you would know what’s best for this mission HOW?”
– Johnson is not allowed to stick cigarettes into every accessible orifice of the designated drivers that pass out in her house after drinking.
– Johnson is not allowed to purposely shame anyone anymore.
– Johnson is not allowed to accidentally shame anyone anymore.
– Johnson is not allowed to tell Christians she’s Wiccan in order to clear the room. Her dog tags say Catholic.
– Johnson is not allowed to change her dog tags to say Wiccan if all of her other information says she is Catholic.
– Johnson is not allowed to brief newcomers that her subordinate won’t work in the same office because she doesn’t wear deodorant.
– Johnson is not allowed to refer to her officer-in-charge as “Sergeant”, in front of his boss.
– Johnson is not allowed to say that calling her officer-in-charge “Sergeant” was an honest mistake because he has a good work ethic. Even if if it’s true.
Truth: Shoe edging penetrates linoleum. Deeply.
– Johnson is not allowed to hasten the process of any service member’s “unstoppable spiral downward”.
– Johnson is not allowed to verbally analyze the cost/benefit relationship of meeting unit standards versus doing the mission for her Executive Officer.
– Johnson is not allowed to attempt to kill any of her subordinates, even IF it’s only a matter of time before they manage to do it themselves.
– Johnson is not allowed to cc anyone outside senior leadership her four page explanatory email why command has no authority on more of her time, especially if it’s in order to take part in a 8-hour morale function.
– Johnson is not allowed to give glow in the dark sticks and Military Ken dolls as presents to Senior Enlisteds.
– Even if it IS Christmas.
– And especially if they’re not Christian.
– Johnson is not allowed to tell her Executive Officer that listening to him whine is not in her job description.
– Johnson does NOT make a better man than a woman.
– Johnson is not allowed to say “that’s not in the ConOp” more than once in a quarter hour.
– Johnson is not allowed to talk to her Executive Officer without a third party present.
– Johnson is not allowed to talk to her Executive Officer without two additional parties present.
– Johnson is not allowed to make soldiers cry in the classroom, even if they deserve it.
– Truth: One well-placed insult can result in a new haircut.
– Johnson is not allowed to ask senior leadership to draw her an illustration of the logical connection between a mandatory volunteer award ceremony and fulfilling unit’s mission.
– Johnson is not allowed to make her mission operators sing to her in order to be granted a bathroom break.
– Johnson is not allowed to “find her sexy voice” to get officers to comply with what’s best for mission.
– Johnson is not allowed to make seamen cry on the ops floor by calling them dirtbag, neglectful parents that use their single parent status to weasel out of work and give all single parents a bad name. Even if it’s true.
– Johnson is not allowed to tell senior leadership, “when you show me the Air Force reg that applies to this situation is when I’ll start listening.”
– Johnson is not allowed to “growl like a tiger” in formation anymore.
– Johnson may not improvise cadence lyrics.
– Johnson is not allowed to tell the Commander her honest opinion about his brief. Even if he did ask her for her honest opinion.
– Johnson may not call cadence during business hours. EVER.
– Johnson may not tell the Commander that “not wasting his time” works both ways.
– Johnson may not tell the Commander that “I’ve heard men like bitches, so I do my best”.
– Johnson may not compare the number of years of post-secondary education she’s had to her commands’.
– Johnson may not call senior enlisted leadership Jabba the Hut behind his back.
– Johnson may not call senior enlisted leadership Jabba the Hut to his face.
– Johnson may not convince the incoming senior enlisted leadership assistant that her position comes standard with PTSD counseling and extensive mood-enhancing prescription strength drugs.
– Johnson is not allowed to train academy graduates anymore, because “honest feedback” shouldn’t require third party mediation afterward.
– One 5’2” woman getting between two 6′ soldiers in a brawl on the ops floor = bad idea.
– Johnson is not allowed to tell senior enlisted leadership that she won’t work for him because of the “D” word – personal DIGNITY.
– Johnson is not allowed to mercilessly taunt junior enlisted seamen that a girl shouldn’t be able to hold more tequila than a man. Especially before their watch shift, when they should be sober.
– Johnson is not allowed to tell the Commander after Commander’s Call (a mandatory briefing for all enlisted members) “I’m not sure, sir, since those of us who worked last night and work again tonight slept through it. I’m sure if you said anything important it’ll reach the appropriate people.”
– Johnson is not allowed to strip car paint with vomit anymore.
– Johnson may not post any “wish list” that contains real peoples names on it.
– Johnson is not allowed to pretend to channel demons and unexpectedly and periodically growl throughout the day in front of her very religiously conservative Executive Officer.
– Johnson may not attempt “field promotions”. Even if they’re deserved.
– Johnson may not attempt to “cull the herd” on junior enlisted members who giggle during missions.
– Johnson is not allowed to make the typewriter type backwards.
– Johnson is not allowed to “redefine the mentoring relationship” with the subordinates she doesn’t care for.
– Johnson is not allowed to write EPR’s (Enlisted Performance Reports) on people who don’t exist.
– Johnson may not brief distinguished visitors on how the ops floor workers’ family trees have merged in the preceding four years, no matter how interesting and “stranger than fiction” the story is.
– Johnson is not allowed to draw and circulate hamster-on-electrified-hamster wheel cartoons to illustrate the shortcomings of operational decision making.
– Johnson is not allowed to put up “YOU ARE HERE” signs to help new officers orient themselves.
– Johnson must not tell her subordinates to put on their “big boy panties and deal with it” in front of others.
– Johnson may not date more than one member of the squad at a time.
– Even if they are roommates, and it is more convenient that way.
– Johnson may not duct tape sleeping operators anymore, because of hair loss complaints.
– Johnson may not tie up sleeping operators and leave the room with the rest of the staff, because it looks unprofessional when visiting dignitaries walk in.
– Johnson may not tell any officer what she thinks of him.
– Johnson may not tell any officer what she thinks. Period.
– Johnson is not always right. And even if she is, senior management decisions still trump.
– Johnson is not allowed to send out birth announcements anymore. Too many people get offended.
– Johnson may not send out any emails that have “humor” in them. Entire branch components have been offended.
– Johnson is not allowed to write limericks on duty.
– Johnson is not allowed to say “it was totally worth it” when she’s being disciplined.
– Johnson is not allowed to look at the Executive Officer while he’s counseling her.
– Johnson is not “the law”.
– Johnson is not allowed to send out a distro all email making fun of Marines and their cake.
– Johnson is not allowed to play 20 questions with the Command to see if “they know their stuff”.
– Johnson is not allowed to kick the incoming Commander off the ops floor.
– Johnson is not allowed to call the Commander “dead weight that sucks up precious oxygen from people who actually need it to work the mission”. Even if it is true.
– Johnson is not allowed to brief that the Commander didn’t show for mission. Even if it is true.
– Johnson is not allowed to dance with the Chief ever again on TDY’s.
– Johnson is not allowed to use a proxy to take any of her discipline.
– “Charlie” does NOT have Johnson’s MRE. The concertina wire scars prove nothing.
– Johnson is not allowed to give a 15 point presentation to her Executive Officer how his work compares in importance to the lower enlisteds’ under his supervision.
– Johnson is not allowed to pretend to cast a spell to call in inclement weather to get out of PT, because unexpected, sudden hurricanes HAPPEN in California.
– Johnson is not allowed to projectile vomit in front of her supervisor anymore.
– Even if he WAS impressed with your aim.
– Johnson is not allowed to tell five Naval officers “Yeah, I can get myself off”, even if she’s talking about finding her way off base.
– Johnson is not allowed to tell anyone they’d make a good wife. Command gets too many EO calls.
– Johnson is not allowed to dance with convicted rapists on TDY’s.
– Johnson is not allowed to tell anyone she’d rather spend more time with her daughter than with them, or Command will get an EO call.
– Johnson is not allowed to talk to strangers while in uniform. Not even children. Especially not children.
– Johnson is not allowed to say the words “Eat Your Heart Out” in an acceptance speech in front of 300 people.
– Johnson is not allowed to miss training on which buttons do what on a cell phone.
– Johnson is not allowed to say “you’ll fit right in, then” when coworkers say that they’re signed up for a class full of “tools”.
– Fact: Base speed limit is 25 mph. It is ALWAYS 25 mph.
– Fact: Scorpions in foxholes = bad idea.
– Johnson is not allowed to use Army commands during Air Force formations anymore.
– Johnson is not allowed to pretend she’s anyone else. Even if there were probably not going to be any real consequences…
– Johnson is not allowed tell Command what she did over the weekend. Even if they DID ask.
– Johnson is not allowed to tell the Executive Officer her honest opinion about proposed operational changes.
– Johnson is not allowed to say “I was going to see who blinked first, because I’m no longer allowed to give my honest opinion” when the Executive Officer asked her why she was staring at him after his explanation of the operational changes.
– Johnson is not allowed to wait for the command of execution after the command “Johnson, knock it off”
– The proper response to “Johnson, shut up” is silence, not “But I didn’t SAY anything!!”
– Johnson is not allowed to make faces.
– Johnson is not allowed to use physics to explain work NOT accomplished.
– Even if the explanation is for the Executive Officer, an engineer who only understands science, math, and mechanics, and not the obviously complex form of English that his enlisted staff uses.
– Johnson is not allowed to wear her name tag on the wrong side of her blouse during final inspection so she can time how long the commanding officer will stare at her chest.

Follow

Subscribe to Comments for Skippy's List

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010 at 12:41 am and is filed under New List, SGT Johnson. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.