New Combined Military Post
(Submitted by Andy S)
- Must not steal, BBQ and eat the chicken that the CO received as a gift from some local farmers
- Must not steal the padre’s cross, soak it in naptha and set it in upright in the ground then light it on fire…even if your unit has been on Ex for almost 6 months.
(Submitted by Live Wolf)
- When testing the catapults on an Aircraft Carrier, do not request permission to be the Test Pilot for the test load.
- Do not show up wearing flight gear and Scuba tanks on the chance they will change their minds.
(Submitted by CPL Hagen)
- May not sleep when being lectured, briefed or debriefed.
- Not even if I can awaken instantly, correctly answer the question, then fall back asleep.
- Not even if I can awaken instantly, correct the instructor, briefer or debriefer, then fall back asleep.
- Not even if after the third time of being accused of not paying attention I can repeat the last minute of conversation perfectly, including tone, without waking up.
- ESPECIALLY not to do the previous with an air of superiority not befitting my rank.
(Submitted by SGT Newitt)
- Not allowed to sing one chorus of “Banana Phone” during an eight hour patrol until your TC jumps out of a moving HMMWV.
- Not allowed to inform LTs why driving a HMMWV through a minefield on the Iran-Iraq border is a bad idea while driving through said minefield.
- Not allowed to inform LTs why it is a bad idea after driving through minefield.
- Not allowed to wake LTs up with descriptions of mines located in said minefield.
- Not allowed to change PLT motto to “F*** My Life, Sergeant!”
- Not allowed to change Troop motto to “F*** My Life, 1SG!”
- Not allowed to bring air horn to formations.
- Not allowed to claim that morale is the enemy.
- Not allowed to establish OP/LP at PSG’s home.
(Submitted by Niall O’Sullivan)
- Do not send a new private all the way to Brigade S-4 looking for an ID-I0-T. What is truly amazing is that the new private actually made it that far before someone gave him a clue, and a 3 day pass for his effort.
- 100 feet of flight line is not mobile and should not have new privates looking for it.
- Same as above for left handed screw drivers and pre mixed camouflage spray paint.
- PCM grease is not a signal lubricant
- Not a good idea to stick toilet paper in the revelry cannon
- Do not decorate the guard shack for Halloween, especially if you are not an MP
- Covering the 1ST SGT’s breakfast with Alum guarantees an extended stay on mess duty
- Covering the Commander’s Breakfast with Alum guarantees trying your hand at making zen gardens
- Do not weld the Arms room door shut 3 nights before move out just to test the new arc welder
- Icy-Hot is not a good additive for toilet seats in the command barracks
- Buffer races are not authorized
- Prop Wash does not come in 1 gallon containers
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November 15th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
I love CPL Hagen’s list! I’ve done that once or twice with proffs, only most of them just laugh.
BTW, could someone tell me what “establish OP/LP at PSG’s home.” refers to?
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Adam reply on November 16th, 2009 4:18 am:
OP/LP = Observation Post/Listening Post.
captcha: duets runs – you would if you saw the 1SG coming.
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Anna reply on November 16th, 2009 5:55 pm:
Thank you!
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November 15th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Morale IS the enemy. Anything else is a lie.
*ahem*
My brother, when he moved out, was to recieve the same home-gift package his sister did. This included basic tools, housewares and the like. My mother went to the local Canadian Tire and was looking at hammers and a salesman came up to her and asked in a condescending tone if he can help her identify the tools. (NOT even if he can help her!) My mother, the Northern Irish nurse, looked him straight in the eye and said “Can you show me which is the left handed hammer?”
“Excuse me, ma’am?” says the sales guy.
“The left handed hammers.” she said like she was talking to a two year old, and a particularly dense one at that. “My son is left handed just like his father, he is moving out and my husband has forbiddon him from taking his left handed hammer with him.”
The sales guy looked like a dear caught in the headlights, excused himself and went looking for his superior. My mother looked satisfied and went back to picking out the basic tools (plyers, multi-driver, etc) A floor manager shows up with the sales guy. He asks if he can help my mother. “She’s looking for left handed hammers.” the sales guy says, as if he’s repeated himself fourteen times all the way. The floor manager looks irritated with him. “Ma’am, are you sure we carry them?”
“Oh yes,” my mother says, all innocence and light. (And you wonder where I get it from??) “We bought my husband’s here.”
“Oh. I see.” says the floor manager and excuses himself, the sales guy tagging after him like a puppy.
My Mum continues on with her shopping, moving into housewares. About ten minutes later the store manager comes over and he’s laughing so hard he’s crying, he’s got the floor manager and the sales guy with him. He finally gasps out “Ma’am, tell them what a left handed hammer looks like.”
My mother smiles and says “Just like a right handed hammer, really. You just hold it in the other hand.” The store manager is barely standing at this point, he’s laughing so hard. The floor manager and the sales guy both look mystified.
The store manager gave her the hammer for free and 20% off the rest of her purchases. He was still trying to explain the humour when she left, feeling very proud of herself.
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Minty reply on November 16th, 2009 10:00 am:
Nice. I’m sending that to my step-father, the tool junkie. He’ll love it.
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JoAnn reply on November 16th, 2009 10:50 am:
Your mom RULES!!! I like her!
The store manager is pretty cool too!
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paula reply on November 16th, 2009 5:45 pm:
Your mom….. your mom ROCKS!
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November 16th, 2009 at 3:23 am
…actually, I’m fairly sure I’ve seen a left-handed screwdriver. And a left-handed hammer.
Molded handles. Not symmetric. Primarily for people who have trouble holding on to normal tool handles. Ask at the wheelchair and crutch shop.
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November 16th, 2009 at 6:03 am
Grid squares, you forgot to send the PVTs for grid squares.
Left handed anything is good.
ID-10-T is also a good “error code” when repairing any deadlined equipment that got that way from operator misuse. A good one for computers is PEBKAC – Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair.
When I worked at the gas station help desk – everything’s computerized these days – I’d get in trouble for using the operator error code for every call, even tho the text of the call proved my point. In my book there were 3 types of calls: operator error, equipment failure, technical assistance. Good times, fun times, but low pay.
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StoneWolf reply on November 16th, 2009 7:14 am:
In addition to the ID-10-T there’s the November Zero Zero Bravo for new hires.
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Katie reply on November 17th, 2009 4:33 pm:
Now I have to clean soda off my monitor…
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StoneWolf reply on November 17th, 2009 4:42 pm:
Glad to be of service ;)
Shadowydreamer reply on November 17th, 2009 6:59 pm:
Okay Wolf.. I fail the geek test.. What’s the November Zero Zero Bravo?
mikejcpt reply on November 18th, 2009 1:44 pm:
November Zero Zero Bravo = N00B
Lit reply on November 16th, 2009 5:40 pm:
Working in a computer support helpdesk for a fairly large manufacturing company, I’ve referred PEBKAC errors multiple times, but my favorite has always been “fuser errors”. Short of course for “f*cking-user errors”
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November 16th, 2009 at 6:36 am
I no longer have it, but one time I did look up the National Stock Number (NSN or FSN as they were known) for “cleaning solution, propeller”. There was a detergent/degreaser made for propellers, or “prop wash”.
Now trying to explain to the LT why a maintenance unit for B52G, jet powered, bombers had sent a Airman to find some was more difficult.
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November 16th, 2009 at 8:15 am
I sent a new butterbar to each company to inventory the Blank adapters for the M203 grenade launcher.
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November 16th, 2009 at 8:24 am
A friend of mine was sent for chem light batteries. His squad leader also made the mistake of telling this very intelligent (read: smart-assed) private not to come back unless he had some, probably hoping the punish him for not having them when he did come back. My friend, knowing he was being put on, stopped at the PX and then went home, staying there the rest of the day. The next day his squad leader bawled him out for disappearing, and my friend told him he was out getting chem light batteries. The SGT told him he had better have some, or else he’d be on report for being OOR (out of ranks). My friend pulled out what was left of what he had bought at the PX. He had gotten a box of comemercial grade chem lights and carefully cut out all of the glass vials. It was these vials that he handed the squad leader. The SGT probably would have hit the guy if the PSG and PL hadn’t been standing right there, laughing their asses off….
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November 16th, 2009 at 9:19 am
I believe putting toilet paper in the reveille cannon might actually make it a revelry cannon.
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November 16th, 2009 at 10:45 am
In re: the various methods of noob torment. Were these guys never in Boy Scouts? Never taken on a snipe hunt? Kids these days, I tell ya.
Captcha: had beretta. No, I never did. It’s a Ruger.
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Adam reply on November 16th, 2009 1:52 pm:
In Boy Scouts, it used to be (still is?) a requirement for promotion for a scout to purchase food for a camping trip. At the meeting where we planned the menu for the annual winter camping trip, we noticed that the guys who needed this requirement signed-off had skipped the meeting, so we picked one and sent him a shopping list with one additional item: “winterized air for the vehicles’ tires.”
The kid’s parents caught on the prank, so when we arrived at the campsite, we found that the food cooler was filled with ice and cans of compressed air!
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November 16th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Grid Squares, used to love to send them to fetch a box of Grid Squares. Worked fine until the map custodian got tired of it and sent the PVT back with a box of grid squares and a note to use the correct requisition form next time.
Sending the newbies to get the EMHO report was lots of fun until all the PC and EO stuff kicked in.
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November 16th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
The tool based practical jokes reminded me of something I did to my mum.
I’d been over at hers putting up a new shelf for her. We were walking down the narrow passageway single file, her in front of me.
As I had the electric drill in my right hand, the idea occured to me. I stuck the tip of my little finger on my left hand lightly into her back, just as I triggered the drill off in my right hand.
The scream was piercing.
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paula reply on November 16th, 2009 5:50 pm:
You must be a fast runner: if I’d tried that, Mom would’ve KILLED me!
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November 16th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
SGT Newitt’s list had me thinking of Generation Kill where Ray constantly goes off on a banter as to how officers higher up in the chain of command make dumb decisions. While reading that list, I could hear Ray voicing his opinion loudly. =)
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Minty reply on November 16th, 2009 2:58 pm:
That character was pretty good for quotes. My neighbor’s favorite was “At least my mom took me to NASCAR.”
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November 16th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Don’t forget to order a board-stretcher in case you cut your lumber a little too short.
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November 16th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Don’t forget to check the level of your blinker fluid at least once a week.
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November 17th, 2009 at 2:50 am
Four words:
“Industrial Strength Distilled Water”.
And the question I hear most often:
“Do they carry it at Canadian Tire?”
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Shadowydreamer reply on November 17th, 2009 10:11 am:
They carry everything at Canadian Tire, dont’cha know? (Including left handed hammers!)
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November 17th, 2009 at 6:19 am
It has occured to me that if you’re the noob, you should show up first day with a package of stickers with NSN barcodes and labels for “flight line”, “grease, relative bearing,” “prop wash” etc. Being sent on a wild goose chase is a chance to disappear for a nap, go to supply, relabel something there, and come back, saying “Sorry it took so long, they said it was the last one in stock.”
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November 18th, 2009 at 1:13 am
Back when I was in (ch)Air Force Security Forces, you used to call the new troops working overnight at the base entry gates and tell them that the pilot had lost the keys to the NAOC and they need to go out and look for them. When drive by a while later to see if they were. Once we had some one striper run over to use and ask to borrow our NVG’s so he could see better.
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November 24th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Is always good to have them check the armor vehichals hulls for soft spots with a small ball peen hammer also.
Get up close so you can hear it real well and tap the hull and listen for a dull thud and you have found the soft spot.
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December 11th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
My favorite is the muffler bearings. I have gotten several people worried enough to call the local parts stores or mechanics. Just tell them it is part of the exhaust cleaning system (like the catalytic converter) and watch their eyes glaze over….and then get worried.
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March 7th, 2011 at 8:01 pm
A few years ago, the Air Force had a monthly “motivational/inspirational” flyer called “Roll Call”. I had this great idea for a parody, so I asked a buddy who was good with such things to help me write it. The result was a masterpiece encouraging airmen to repaint their POVs to the “approved” colors of blue and black. Several airmen in our shop began calling maaco for price quotes. My buddy then leaked the “Roll Call” to some online pals who used it to con their own shops.
My proudest moment of 8 years of AF service…
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August 19th, 2011 at 2:46 pm
My uncle is a commercial airline pilot and was formerly a mechanic on both jets and prop planes. The whole “Go get me a bucket of prop wash…” was an initiation for the newbie airline mechanics in commercial and other non-military flights too.
Of course, smart-ass that I am, one day I got a can of Dust-Off (which, in itself would make a great joke in the military) and painted over the main labeling. On the newly painted area, I painted the words “Prop Wash”, and sent it to him. (Because, let’s face it, that’s what the stuff is… Prop wash in a can.)
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