Giant New IT List

(Submitted by Confusion)

1. Not allowed to use any audio editing software to splice together funny conversations from our digital recorders.
2. Not allowed to insert synthesized speech into digital recordings either.
3. Not allowed to use Windows Movie Maker to edit video recordings and make videos to the song “The Chicken Dance”.
4. Not allowed to edit videos to any music.
5. Not allowed to edit videos.
6. Not allowed to “monitor network usage” via VNC on my lunchbreak by randomly connecting to other users machines.
7. Not allowed to VNC into users machines on thier breaks to see what they are doing.

8. Not allowed to use VNC to post, email, or IM strangers from other peoples machines
9. Not allowed to make changes to someones MySpace or Facebook pages via VNC connection to their machine.
10. Not allowed to VNC into a machine without contacting the user.
11. “I left a voicemail” does not count.
12. Not allowed to make “UI improvements” by changing users desktops, icons, or wallpaper via VNC.
13. Not allowed to use VNC connections to “test bandwidth” by downloading torrents on other peoples machines.
14. Not allowed to “stress test” the LAN by downloading torrents either.
15. Same goes for the firewall.

16. Not allowed to create and use network shares on other peoples machines for storage of such downloads.
17. Not allowed to test effectiveness of our spam filter by signing other users up on questionable mailing lists.
18. Not allowed to respond to spam or 419 scams remotely from other users machines.
19. “Research” is not a valid reason.
20. Not allowed to test users AV by mailing them exploits.
21. Not allowed to create email addresses for the sole purpose of spamming said exploits to users.
22. Not allowed to “test patch levels” by serving exploits on the internal website, even if it is a valuable real world lesson.
23. See number 19.
24. Not allowed to “pen-test” internally without authorization.
25. Not allowed to exploit any vulnerabilities found in said pen-test.
26. Not even for demonstration purposes.
27. Not even when challenged as to whether or not it can be done.
28. “The network is secure” is not an open-ended challenge.
29. We do not run a local variant of the PWN2OWN contest.
30. I am not “in training” for a competition to gain root.
31. I will not maintain a “Wall of Fail” with screenshots and emails from other users.
32. Nor will I maintain a top 10 list of losers.
33. OMGiLOVEponies!!11 is not an assignable password to new users.
34. Even though it meets password requirements.
35. Not allowed to use “deeduhdee” as a reset password when a user forgets thier password.
36. Same goes for “doh!”
37. Not allowed to revoke users access cards at random as a “test of system checks”.
38. Not allowed to change users voicemail greetings.
39. Even if you can’t understand what they say.
40. Not allowed to forward their phones to their personal cell phones.
41. Even if they never answer when they know it’s you.
42. Not allowed use the Citrix administration console to send messages that say “omg JOO got H4xed!”.
43. Not allowed to use Citrix administration console to send messages unless they specifically relate to network maintenance.
44. Not allowed to use the console to send messages.
45. Not allowed to test network printer functionality by printing “HELP ME I’M TRAPPED HERE!” at remote offices.
46. Not allowed to print the “I can haz cheezburger” lolcat at remote offices either.
47. The word FAIL or “Ur doing it wrong” demotivators do not break the dullness of a PowerPoint presentation.
48. Not allowed to insert lolcat images into PowerPoint presentations.
49. Or pictures from company parties.
50. Or pictures leeched from employees personal Facebook or MySpace pages.
51. Not allowed to setup bogus MySpace/Facebook/IM profiles to communicate with employees during work hours.
52. Even if it does show a violation of the usage policy.
53. Not allowed to maintain blogs or Facebook/MySpace profiles on their behalf.
54. Even if iwearclownshoestowork.com is available.
55. Not allowed to share non-critical yet humorous information gleaned during forensic analysis of users laptops.
56. Not allowed to “practice forensic analysis” on users laptops.
57. Not allowed to monitor web usage and then follow an employee online to a site or chatroom and grief them.
58. Not allowed to follow them to online games and grief them.
59. Even if it does mean they get back to work sooner.
60. Not allowed to resolve myspace.com and facebook.com to internally hosted “research” pages that phish credentials.
61. Not allowed to resolve URLs to internally hosted phishing pages.
62. Not allowed to resolve URLs to external websites including but not limited to (redacted), (redacted), (redacted), (redacted), (redacted) or anything that involves 2 people and one container, one person and one container, or cake.
63. Not allowed to install the BSoD screensaver remotely onto users machines.
64. Not allowed to change the startup and shutdown event sounds on users desktops to any of the Freecreditreport(dot)com jingles.
65. Or the song “That’s how you know” from Enchanted.
66. Or any Disney song that’s stuck in my head after watching a movie with the kid.
67. Or anything from my personal listening library but especially from the following genres: punk/thrashcore/hardcore/metal of any kind/industrial .
68. Not allowed to quote George Carlin’s “Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!” whenever someone says they did something dumb and need my help.
69. Not allowed to quote Carlin.
70. Not allowed to quote anyone on intelligence.
71. Not allowed to refer to people as sheep.
72. Not allowed to discuss politics.
73. Or philosophy or sociology.
74. Or religion.
75. Highly discouraged from offering my own opinion in conversations not work-related.
76. Not allowed to use our field employee management tools to send text messages to field technicians telling them “I know where you are. BUSTED!”
77. Not allowed to point out to them that I can see them via GPS all day long.
78. Not allowed to call them liars even when GPS data weighs in my favor.
79. Not allowed to call the local bar or strip club and ask for them by name.
80. Not allowed to use the management interface to send them text messages instructing them that their wife called looking for them and she’s on her way to the club right now.
81. Not allowed to send text messages through management interface.
82. Not allowed to send text messages to other employees through any interface.
83. Not allowed to respond to IM-speak like OMG or LOL in “lolcat”.
84. Even if it is sad to hear a 50 year old woman say “ell oh ell” in a conversation.
85. No I cannot haz cheezburger.
86. “Remove PVP restrictions” is not a valid suggestion for workplace improvement.
87. Not allowed to tell employees I will gank them in the parking lot after work.
88. Not allowed to threaten to grief and camp employees either.
89. Not allowed to engage in “RP” or practice “character immersion” during work hours.
90. I am not a warlock.
91. Or a death knight.
92. Not allowed to say I can “one-shot” anybody I work with.
93. I am not allowed to use the words “shoot” or “shot” when speaking of coworkers.
94. Not allowed to refer to employees as nubs.
95. Or dirty night-elves.
96. Not allowed to recount the “funniest thing I ever heard on vent last night” as it is probably inappropriate.
97. Not allowed to point out a users error in using CC instead of BCC by clicking replying to all with the word “FAIL”.
98. Not allowed to point out weaknesses or flaws in security unless specifically requested.
99. Not allowed to discuss “Truth”, “Time”, or “Reality”.
100. Not allowed to write down a predicted outcome before I ask a question.
101. Not allowed to point out how often I am right in my predictions.
102. Not allowed to suggest that my ability to often predict an outcome or reaction is prescience.
103. Not allowed to tell people they are going to die in a painful accident in the near future.
104. Not allowed to respond to incidents with “Could have told you that would happen.”
105. Not allowed to remove sealed envelopes from my desk, open them, and say “See, predicted that one on the day you decided to do it.”
106. Not allowed to pontificate on the genius of Frank Herbert.
107. Not allowed to quote from God Emperor of Dune.
108. Not allowed to quote from any book in the original Dune series.
109. Not allowed to quote from any book by Frank Herbert.
110. Not allowed to sneer at the mention of the prequel books written by his son.
111. Not allowed to be snarky when people discuss pop culture fads.
112. Not allowed to comment on the Twilight series.
113. Not allowed to use the word “Twidiots”.
114. Not allowed to refer to pop culture fads or magazines as “programming”.
115. Even if it is.
116. Not allowed to “baa” at people.
117. Or ask them where they grazed for lunch today.
118. Not allowed to tell members of the next generation that they look “retro” when they are trying to be hipsters.
119. Even if I do own the same Dead Kennedys shirt from 14 years ago, which was a replacement for the one I owned before that.
120. Not allowed to refer to Hot Topic as “that uber-trendy store for sheep”.
121. Not allowed to mock the emos.
122. Not allowed to point out that the emos are basically a hybrid of the punk, mod, and goth movements of the 70s-80s, and they have co-opted the three into a sad fashion statement without any conviction as it makes them cry even more.
123. Not allowed to ask emos to show me their scars.
124. Not allowed to write undocumented executables.
125. Not allowed to write undocumented scripts.
126. Not allowed to run code documented or otherwise which has not been reviewed.
127. Not allowed to obfuscate source code.
128. Not allowed to fill code with more comments than actual code.
129. Not allowed to tell people “you just made my KOS list.”
130. Not allowed to walk up behind people and whisper cryptic things like “Fear the wolves”.
131. Even if they should.
132. Also not allowed to whisper “Don’t be afraid.”
133. Not allowed to whisper.
134. Not allowed to suggest “burn it to the ground and start over” as the best approach for solving things.
135. “When it doubt, burn it down” is not on my family crest.
136. Not allowed to repeat word for word the Nemesis quote by Bricktop from Snatch.
137. I did not know you in a former life.
138. Not allowed to tell users that issues are caused by “electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris”.
139. Not allowed to blame radiation.
140. Not allowed to say anything the BOFH has said or might say.
141. Not allowed to keep a sign that read “It has been this many days since an incident” and maintain it at 0.
142. Not allowed to inform users of exactly how many days/hours/minutes has gone by since they borked their machine last.
143. Not allowed to actually track that information.
144. Even for the sole purpose of improving efficiency.
145. Not allowed to spread FUD regarding the insecurity of websites like myspace or facebook.
146. Or the internet in general.
147. Not allowed to spread FUD regarding any system.
148. Not allowed to imply I read other peoples personal email.
149. Not allowed to explain how easy most passwords are to guess, much less crack.
150. Not allowed to demonstrate said ability.
151. Not allowed to tell people they can change their passwords on their local machines because “I’ll just crack it later.”
152. Not allowed to tell people I will own their machine.
153. Not allowed to demonstrate such ownage.
154. Not allowed to engage in an escalation of security and penetration with a “know-it-all” user.
155. Even if he is a nub.
156. Not allowed to imply that regular fixtures are in fact monitoring devices.
157. Not allowed to install unauthorized cameras or audio devices that look like regular fixtures.
158. Not allowed to point out the shortcomings of most file cabinet and desk drawer locks.
159. Not allowed to demonstrate those failings.
160. Not allowed to make soda-can keys from pictures I took with my cellphone.
161. Even if they do work.
162. Not allowed to pick locks at work unless specifically directed to.
163. Not allowed to laugh out loud during site inspections.
164. Even if their existing security does suck.
165. Not allowed to take pictures of anyone’s keys or keyrings.
166. Not allowed to question why all the high-value targets are left off the scope of a pen-test.
167. Not allowed to suggest it’s because they are secured in the same manner my daughters “electronic lock diary” is.
168. Even if they didn’t hear me.
169. Not allowed to refer to myself in the third person.
170. Or use my name in place of I.
171. Not allowed to refer to myself in the plural.
172. Not allowed to code/compile VB programs of “questionable” benefit.
173. Not allowed to submit source code in Apple BASIC and claim I just ported it, even if it would run natively on an Apple ][.
174. Not allowed to pause in mid-sentence while looking away and pressing two fingers to my temple, and then continue with “I’ve just been informed…”
175. Not allowed to suggest I have a cranial implant.
176. Or that it was implanted by aliens, the NWO, or the Bavarian Illuminati.
177. Not allowed to speak in German in reference to 174, 175, or 176.
178. Not allowed to unprotect Word or Excel documents by any means other than using the password.
179. Not even if I have the password.
180. Especially if I do not.
181. Not allowed to make fun of encryption schemes.
182. I am not an agent from The Matrix.
183. “No” is not Bavarian slang for “hello” and I cannot answer the phone that way.
184. Brute force and/or excessive use of force are not the weapon of the Jedi Knight, nor are they “an elegant weapon for a more civilized age.”
185. I am not a Jedi Knight.
186. Nobody is looking for any droids.
187. Not allowed to use false logic in arguments as a “teaching tool”.
188. Not allowed to refer to administrative assistants as Sith apprentices.
189. Not allowed to make “fictional statements” and use the spread of bogus gossip as a “real world lesson” on viral infection.
190. Not allowed to use circular logic in order to “return conversations to where we got them from”.
191. Even if my mom taught me to always put things back.
192. Not allowed to disparage other people’s mothers for not teaching them to put things back.
193. Not allowed to start a sentence with “I’m sure she was a good mother but…”
194. Not allowed to talk about, reference, inquire about, or otherwise make statements that may or not be about someone’s mother.
195. False employee disciplinary notices are not funny and should not be left laying on desks.
196. Neither is locking a user out and leaving a note saying “SEE ME ASAP!” on their desk.
197. Neither is changing a users directory names to reflect a collection of adult film titles.
198. Grabbing someone in an armlock and forcing them to the wall and then demanding “the password to the system” is also not funny.
199. If no one other than myself finds a prank funny, I should consider it to be in bad taste and refrain from it.
200. 199 only applies to people in the work place, I may not qualify a prank as funny with “my drunk friend Jim would laugh his ass off.”
201. I am no longer allowed to partake in April Fools Day.
202. I am not allowed to respond to pranks played on me by saying “this will only end badly for you.”
203. The hallways will not run red with blood before the day is out.
204. Conversations will not begin with “This story takes place in the distant future, when mutants and demons slither through a world of darkness.”
205. Not allowed to tell people that I blow off steam at home by “killing people and making children cry.”
206. Even if kids do scream and cry when I kill them in video games.
207. Not allowed to bring in Vent or TS recordings to prove it.
208. Not allowed to interject with “That’s royally messed up” or “I would beat that ass” or “I would make that person disappear” when hearing about fellow coworkers in conflict.
209. Not allowed to offer suggestions on how to inflict physical/emotional trauma on others.
210. Prohibited from discussing my views on the zombie apocalypse.
211. Not allowed to tell people they would be worthless baggage during said apocalypse.
212. Not allowed to tell people the only reason I’d bring them with me during World War Z is to be able to throw them to the zombies in an emergency to buy some time.
213. Not allowed to tell people that I will take personal pleasure in “venting your skull” when they get turned into zombies.
214. Not allowed to tell people who tell me I can’t say things that I will shoot them ahead of time as a preventative measure.
215. Not allowed to talk about zombies.
216. I am not a Professor of the Dark Arts.
217. Not allowed to tell users .ini files are Infected Network Interface files and they should delete them.
218. Not allowed to tell users that the system32 folder is something malware drops and they should delete it.
219. Not allowed to create false webpages or wiki entries to support claims 217 or 218.
220. Not allowed to engage in flooding of specific IP addresses on the LAN.
221. Not allowed to engage in the ninjas vs. pirates debate. 221. I am not a member of the Koga Ninja Clan.
222. I am not allowed to refer to people as Tokugawa spies and refuse to talk with them.
223. I am not allowed to threaten people with the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.
224. I do not have MPD/DID
225. Not allowed to “transition” during meetings.
226. Not allowed to add the name “Richard” loudly at the end of sentences.
227. Not allowed to say it’s only because I thought “Dick” was too informal.
228. Not allowed to refer to the IT area as Gehenna.
229. Not allowed to respond to questions of what using the following phrases: “the Deep Magic” or “arcane magic”.
230. Not allowed to keep lists of things I’m not allowed to do.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, August 23rd, 2009 at 7:54 pm and is filed under New List. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.