Skippy For President
A few weeks ago I wrote a rant to clarify my thoughts on a few issues. Amongst the comments was this one, by Stickfodder:
“Ok in response to #2 I wasn’t old enough to vote the last two times so don’t you go blaming me blame my parents for not having me sooner. And as for #4 Skippy and Michiel In 2008!”
Now having someone want me for President certainly appeals to my vanity. On a scale between “Doesn’t Care About Recognition” and “Bottomless Vortex of Emotional Need” I probably lean just a teensy bit towards the latter.
But as much as I appreciate the vote of confidence, I must point out that it is misplaced.
But as a quick aside, I want to note that if I did run for office, I would never have Michiel as a running mate. Michiel is sane, logical, intelligent and moral. In other words horrible VP material. You see, if something bad was to happen to me, people might think that Michiel could step in and do just as good, or perhaps a better job than me. And that simply will not do.
The true purpose of the office of Vice President is to make everyone terrified of letting anything happen to the President. I don’t want sane, logical, intelligent or moral for a VP. I want a barely controlled psychopath. I want a man who can, at best, display a fingernail’s grasp on reality. The kind of guy who would call a press conference to strangle a kitten or eat a baby. Someone who becomes visibly aroused when talking about getting to be in charge of the nuclear arsenal. Because if somebody tries to assassinate me, I want those Secret Service agents motivated to jump in the way.
Which leads us back to the original point of this post, which is that I would probably be the worst President ever.
I would bring to the office a sense of, oh, let’s call it whimsy. The sort of whimsy that is usually associated with Pee-wee Herman, or Caligula.
I would preemptively invade foreign countries. Not because they harbored terrorists, or had natural resources that our nation needed. My military adventures would be based entirely on how hot the women of the country in question tended to be. All assets would be pulled out of the Middle East, and refocused on Brazil. The women there are so hot that they got a hairstyle named after them.
Now to be fair, there’s a lot of good things I could probably accomplish while in office. For instance, I have a sure fire method to reduce the price of gasoline.
Step One: Invite the heads of every major petrochemical corporation to come visit me at the White House.
Step Two: Arrange for comfortable seating, drinks, hour’dourves, perhaps a nice string quartet.
Step Three: The Speech.
The Speech will go something like this:
“Gentlemen, I am very glad that all of you could take the time out of your busy schedules to join me here tonight. As you are no doubt aware, our nation is currently undergoing a bit of a fuel crisis. But I am positive that the people in this room have the know-how and motivation to set things right. I would like to introduce you fine people to Master Sergeant Atrocity.
Master Sergeant Atrocity is a former Special Forces weapons expert. He then spent eight years in Delta Force, followed by a ten year career doing black ops and wet-work for the CIA in a variety of hot-spots around the globe. He’s brutal, efficient, practically invisible, and completely loyal to me.
If gasoline at the pump isn’t under two dollars within the next three months, Master Sergeant Atrocity will go to your home and torture your family to death in front of you. Then he will finish you off. And it will look like a suicide. A messy, lengthy, and amusingly creative suicide.
Are there any questions? Yes you there, the CEO of Conglomco International?”
“Who the hell do you think you are? You can’t just interfere with our business and threaten to–“
“Master Sergeant Atrocity? Please give our friend here a lesson in applied economic theory.”
“VIOLENT LOVE BEGINS NOW!”
Various unpleasant wet and squishy noises result.
“Are there any other questions?”
“What happens if we go public with these threats?”
“I would describe the results of such a breach in confidentiality as ‘Spectacularly Unfortunate’.”
“I see. Well it’s cheap gas for America from now on I guess.”
Step Four: Replace the carpet.
Follow
July 30th, 2008 at 10:09 am
I say leave the carpet, it will serve as a message to the leader of Brazil that we (and by that I mean you O Great and Powerful Skippy) mean business
Reply
JRGuinness reply on July 30th, 2008 11:48 pm:
When you say “leave the carpet” as a message to the leader of Brazil, did you mean carpet in both senses of the word?
Reply
July 30th, 2008 at 10:40 am
I think you would be better served by giving that speech to Congress and the environmental nuts. I think we would all be better served if you had MSGT Atrocity visit the members of Congress anyway.
Reply
SPC Hyle reply on July 31st, 2008 4:37 am:
I’m sorry, but this is moronic. There simply isn’t enough oil in the US to alleviate the price of oil globally, not in ANWR or any other economically recoverable oil source. There is oil shale, but you’d pretty much have to destroy Yellowstone (and I mean destroy) to get it. Yeah, totally worth it.
How shortsighted can you be?
Reply
SKD reply on July 31st, 2008 8:42 am:
I’m not talking about alleviating the price of oil globally. However, expanding our exploration and exploitation(yeah I know it sounds bad but it isn’t) of our own domestic reserves would give us a lot more breathing room pricewise besides relieving our dependence on foreign oil resources. We’ve had it good here in the states for the past couple decades and to be fair our at-the-pump prices are still lower than most countries and, to be honest the main reasons our prices are so high right now is due to A) reliance on foriegn oil, B) the fact that there have been no new refineries built to meet expanding demand in the past 25-30 years and C) the ridiculous number of different fuel blends required in various areas of the country.
Reply
SKD reply on August 2nd, 2008 3:20 am:
And to clarify: Without getting Congress to immediately open up domestic reserves for extraction, the oil companies would not be able to even dream of complying with President Skippy’s ultimatum.
Captcha “ruled Reed<Sobel” – sucks to be Sobel
July 30th, 2008 at 10:55 am
I think we’re dodging the real issue here.
Skippy, if you were to become president, what would your plan be to prevent the inevitable zombie apocalypse?
Reply
July 30th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Oh awesome I got referenced in a story!
Ok so Michiel was a bad choice, but if you’re putting this up as a classified for a vice-president I think that I fill that description perfectly I mean c’mon just look at my site today to see what I do to people who steal my books! But I guess that if I were to run as your vice-president I would have to reveal my real name…
Captcha “Vaudesson Kellar” no captcha that is not my name.
Reply
Sequoia reply on August 16th, 2008 12:34 am:
Just change your name to Stickfodder!!! Problem solved
Captcha: 22 dampen? WTFAHAATOS!!!!
Reply
Stickfodder reply on August 16th, 2008 12:57 am:
Nah I think I’ll pass because if I only have one name I can’t help but think that people will compare me to Madonna or Cher.
Reply
July 30th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
All hail Emperor Skippy…OOPS I mean ~plays opening notes to Hail to the Chief~ Actually Skippy your plan sounds suspiciously like that of a 15th century warlord who went by the name Vlad Tsepesh. He impaled all of the nobles that betrayed his father and country…HMMMMM Sounds good to me and I could always be your Attorney General since I know things that would make Ashcroft cry.
Reply
Minty reply on July 31st, 2008 12:22 am:
Didn’t Vlad Tsepesh impale EVERYONE?
Captcha: “shorthand Aviator.” I don’t know why, but for some reason, that seems really appropriate for both this post AND this site.
Reply
Tony reply on July 31st, 2008 7:38 am:
just his enemies and people who pissed him off, so yeah pretty much everybody
Reply
July 30th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Mmmmmm. Wet and squishy noises.
My answer would be similar but it would involve re-implementation of death by public beheading in the death penalty codes. And adding a few offenses to the death penalty like the intention manipulation of the market that could cause an economic slump or disaster. That way we could add a whole lot more people to the list other than the CEO’s of the oil companies. Like half of congress.
I’ve always appreciated the appeal of the guillotine.
Look! It’s stickfodders name!
Captcha: Finkel Manton
Reply
Stickfodder reply on July 31st, 2008 2:46 am:
Yay!
Reply
Stickfodder reply on July 31st, 2008 4:56 am:
But that’s still not my name! Woo!
Captcha “Winslow Kerosine” yeah sure lets go with that
Reply
TGOBG reply on July 31st, 2008 7:49 pm:
Bring back public flogging, giving some little bastard a time out, or in school suspension is BS. Whip the offender, treat the wounds and send them on their way. Pain has a way of reenforcing a lesson. Talking does nothing, but a good whipping drives the message home. You can almost guarentee that taking a few lashes while tied to a pole in a public square will do more to deter repeat offenders than making them sit in a comfy jail cell with 3 meals a day and cable tv and A/C. Youth offenders (younger than say 14) should be forced to stand up front at the public floggings so they can appreciate what they are in for if they dont shape up. But there should be no more juvenial hall or courts If you are old enough to do the crime you are old enough to suffer the punishment. However these parents that are sending their kids into stores to steal need to be the ones to receive the punishment, not the kids. I am sure there may be exceptions, like stealing food to survive, but stealing gameboys and tvs etc… Public flogging, and having to repay the merchant for lost revenue. I can just see the big stage set up in the walmart parking lot to deliver justice to the people who shoplifted from that store alone. It would have to be a weekly event due to all the pilfering that goes on there
Reply
Brina Ferret reply on July 31st, 2008 11:08 pm:
Well for all the masochistic exhibitionist out there we’ll just all start picking up some random crimes, but if the punishment for hot women which skippy mentioned some time ago still remains, a public spanking might be nice too
captcha: “face Gerret” for the flogging or the fun after?
Reply
TGOBG reply on August 1st, 2008 12:04 am:
Public spanking for the Hot chicks – Sounds like a pay-per-view production in the making.
Minty reply on August 1st, 2008 12:43 am:
There’s just one little thing you’re not taking into account regarding making the kiddies watch the punishment: human nature.
To explain, allow me to turn to one of my favorite authors, for I believe he explained the issue best in the following line of text:
“Once parties of children were brought there by their parents to learn by dreadful example of the snares and perils that await the criminal, the outlaw, and those who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and they would see the terrible wreckage creaking on its chain and listen to the stern imprecations and then usually. . .would say “Wow! Brilliant!” and use the corpse as a swing.”
–Terry Pratchett, “Feet of Clay.”
I’m sure you’re going to say, “oh, but that’s fiction!” Yes, I am aware of that, but I can still see it happening. Therefore, I propose giving the kiddies a ding along side the ear while showing them.
Reply
TGOBG reply on August 1st, 2008 2:00 am:
that is because people cannot see themselves in the place of the hanged man. However if some one is whipped publicly then allowed to linger there for a while, the curious may learn or ask the prisoner what the did to get the whipping. Death doesnt teach lessons, if you kill someone, they do not learn, however making it uncomfortable (ie Painful) tends to drive the lesson home. People (for the most part) tend to avoid pain. If the reward for your actions is Pain, then perhaps those actions should not be repeated. And Yes a Ding about the Ear with the correct word could get the point across quite well.
Captcha : Dislikes Pumping
SKD reply on August 1st, 2008 2:57 am:
There’s pros and cons to every argument and while I will admit you may very likely have a point about younger children, I would have to ask you to concede that public executions would have a strong impact upon those old enough to understand the consequences of their actions. I believe, and I only have personal philosophical evidence to back this up as opposed to scientifically gathered data and studies, that removing death penalty executions from the public eye has distanced the possibility of death from the minds of many potential capital criminals.
Brina Ferret reply on August 1st, 2008 1:04 am:
yes but if it becomes pay per veiw, should there be a set price or an auctioning off of the tickets in the form of contributions to humanity and paying off of the floggee’s debts caused by whatever crime they committed? and also should any male who has themself been flogged be allowed to see this show? and of course you must legally be in these united states to watch…
captcha: “graphic 49@50c;”
Reply
SKD reply on August 1st, 2008 2:51 am:
Don’t forget the stocks. Public humiliation is always a great motivator.
Reply
Andrew reply on August 1st, 2008 5:18 pm:
Hrm. So what we are looking at is for capital crimes death by hanging or guillotine, for misdemeanors and minor felonies public flogging, and for minor misdemeanors the stocks. Maybe that will help cut down on violence in the workplace and schools. Put the stocks down by the farmers market and have them leave the old spoiled foodstuffs out there every day. I think a few dozen rotten tomatoes and cabbages to the face will deter most minor offenders. Oh! and have the stocks face the whipping post, and the whipping post face the hanging platform and guillotine.
But what type of punishment for those who commit serious crimes not deserving of death, like fraud?
SKD reply on August 1st, 2008 7:38 pm:
How about good old fashioned hard labor? Making gravel out of boulders using sledgehammers and pickaxes?
It is my firm opinion that most jails/prisons today do not focus enough on the punishment side of rehabilitation. Take out the TVs, leave a couple in the cafeteria and lock them onto News channels. If they want entertainment they can check out a book from the prison library.
Captcha “Bathgate He” – drawing a blank
Brina Ferret reply on July 31st, 2008 11:15 pm:
I believe Congress would deserve a diffrent form of punishment, banishment to cuba… we wont even have to spend much money of them send them to miami and have the cubans show them just how to get to cuba, they’ll all swim over ((or for the old and dying ride a raft)) there and those who make it will find out the joys of what happens when you mess with our rights and laws, you get yours taken away… and just hope to god you dont land in haiti
captcha: “individuals mural” also called a photo album
Reply
July 30th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
“The sort of whimsy that is usually associated with Pee-wee Herman, or Caligula.”
WOW what an awesome reference point, I am stunned. Now I have visuals that i really never wanted, having seen both the Movie Caligula and PeeWee’s Playhouse, both truly scary (although not to Showgirls level of horror) I may as well just take the rest of the day off as i have Images of the Emperor Caligula getting ready to do something nasty (concerning a bucket of lard and a large ring)while talking/laughing in PeeWee’s voice.
Reply
Stickfodder reply on July 31st, 2008 2:53 am:
Why not just PeeWee Herman doing something with a bucket of lard and a large ring? Personally I’d rather not think about what you were going for with that.
Captcha “1,782,000 Classy” whoa now that’s classy
Reply
TGOBG reply on July 31st, 2008 7:29 pm:
that was one of only two scenes i remember from the movie, some soldier wants to get married and the Emperor decides he is going to have first crack at the Bride and also the groom and thats where the bucket of lard and big ring come in. Thankfully the “act” was more implied than demonstrated, but it was an Adult Oriented movie and rather graphic in its nature. If Emperor Caligula did half the crap he was credited with, it is no wonder the Roman Empire fell
Reply
Minty reply on August 1st, 2008 12:46 am:
Actually, the Empire didn’t fall for another four hundred years after Caligula ruled. However, his behavior was the reason he was assassinated after being emperor for only four years.
And if I remember correctly, wasn’t “Caligula” so depraved that only Playboy was willing to back it?
TGOBG reply on August 1st, 2008 2:04 am:
Minty,
It was a Penthouse Production
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080491/
Lots of Big Names Huge Flop
Skippy of NJ reply on August 1st, 2008 9:39 am:
I believe it was more or less due to his uncle’s sexual and mental abuse that lead to his behavior problems. And caused him to make a horse a senator or a general. I forget which. Either way Caligula was a sick guy. “Let them fear so long as they hate” i believe is credited to him. I believe he wanted to marry his cousin or sister(i’d have to check which) as well. Once again, a truly insane person.
stickfodder, there’s no denying that this captcha finally caught your real name “Shelburna TIMOTHY”
Stickfodder reply on August 1st, 2008 10:52 am:
No no it didn’t I’ll give you a hint though my first Initial is in this emoticon :P
Stickfodder reply on August 1st, 2008 10:54 am:
Um fuck… I didn’t know that it would turn into an actual smiley face thing so I’ll just tell you its a P
paula reply on August 1st, 2008 11:32 am:
If I recall correctly: Caligula made a racehorse a senator. And let me see how to phrase this one….. um, let’s just say he was VERY fond of both his sisters AND his mom…..
And while his great-uncle Tiberius encouraged his worse tendancies, Caligula was a sicko from the start: the kind of toddler that should’ve been drowned at birth, you might say.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Awesome idea! Can you do the same thing to global warming? Torture a few icebergs so the rest of them stop calving and melting? I’m just wondering. $2/gallon gas is going to make the hot women of South Beach a lot wetter than you’d like.
CAPTCHA: appellants reply. Aren’t those called respondents?
Reply
Brina Ferret reply on July 31st, 2008 11:27 pm:
just thought I’d do a public favor and announce not all women of south beach are hot and or desirable, quite a few never heard of the word excercise, and we can still get gas for 3.80 so it’s not as bad as some places
captcha: “enrolled goods” at privatix the upscale publix
Reply
TGOBG reply on August 2nd, 2008 12:56 am:
South Beach has something for everyone apparently.
captcha “yearly hearings” sounds like a good idea
Reply
July 30th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
.. rofl “hairstyle”.
Yeah, I know. Eloquent.
Reply
July 31st, 2008 at 2:01 am
I’m pretty sure that Dick Cheney would be your ideal VP. I mean, everyone talks about shooting lawyers in the face, but he actually does it.
Reply
Stickfodder reply on July 31st, 2008 2:59 am:
Yeah well he actually gets caught I don’t. Although how he was able to get the guy to publicly apologize to him I’m still trying to figure out.
Captcha “Door began” the door began to open than got stuck and I slammed into it like a jackass.
Reply
Maven reply on August 3rd, 2008 1:06 am:
Proof that Dick Cheney is evil. I keep expecting the top of his head to flip back revealing the little demon at the control stick a’la Terry Gilliam’s Monty Python animations.
Catchpa Without cent…yep, I’m broke.
Reply
July 31st, 2008 at 4:34 am
Skippy, if the point of this post was to make us not want you for president,
you’ve failed awesomely.
Reply
July 31st, 2008 at 6:49 am
Mmmmm… braziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil.
Skippy. You’re running.
Reply
August 1st, 2008 at 1:58 am
so once brazil is conquered where to next? sweden or japan?
Reply
August 1st, 2008 at 2:36 am
I say a pre-emptive strike on Sweden, Switzerland, Norway, and the Netherlands. The women are hot and those countries have not been in a war in a while.. I think they are plotting and ready to snap.
USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
captcha: would Sailormen: Oh yes they would ;)
Reply
Brina Ferret reply on August 1st, 2008 3:06 am:
thoses are nuetral countries, though I’m not sure about norway, so we need not the strike just a warning we have nuclear weapons in position to fire at any time should they not give into our demands and join us… And lets throw is Belgium ((for the beer)), Austria ((for the babes)), and Laos ((cause we’re already in Vietnam and it’ll pave the way to Thailand))
captcha: “ombodying Party”
Reply
TGOBG reply on August 2nd, 2008 12:58 am:
Our local “World Market” has the Belgian Beer Chimay the first beer I ever had that you could chew.
Reply
August 1st, 2008 at 3:30 am
So, if Michiel “is sane, logical, intelligent and moral.”; It seems that turning the ticket around would be a better deal. The thing here is, I know Michiel and he would do worse things than Skippy. He would be a little more subtle about it. Such a ticket would be scary and exciting. “Brave New World.”
Reply
Stickfodder reply on August 1st, 2008 7:58 am:
He would do worse things than Skippy? He would be a little more subtle about it? Sounds like every other politician. Personally I’m the kind of person to get my friends to do stupid things I would probably get Skippy to nuke the world.
YAY APOCALYPSE!
Reply
August 1st, 2008 at 8:16 pm
YOU GOT MY VOTE!! Bring on vlad skippy!!
Reply
August 2nd, 2008 at 1:12 am
“Master Sergeant Atrocity is a former Special Forces weapons expert. He then spent eight years in Delta Force, followed by a ten year career doing black ops and wet-work for the CIA in a variety of hot-spots around the globe. He’s brutal, efficient, practically invisible, and completely loyal to me.”
First visual that came to mind was someone built like Jesse Ventura (Pre Feather Boa) but then the practically invisible caught my eye, and from some of the SeALs, Rangers and Pararescue folks I have met, I came up with the visual of a Chartered Accountant, quiet, reserved, kind of fades into the background, Sort of Don Knotts appearance, Bruce Lee skills. I think some 5’5″ guy weighing about 115 lbs just devastating some Big oil Fat cat would put the fear of Skippy into them more than some man mountain would.
Reply
TGOBG reply on August 2nd, 2008 1:13 am:
and i agree leave the carpet.
Reply
August 2nd, 2008 at 2:26 am
Skippy for president! My biggest question, when you pull out of the forign countries and finish with the ones you want could you sic Master Sergant Atrocity onto the school systems superintendants? I spend more time looking up the references you and your commenters use than I do reading the posts themselves.
Reply
August 2nd, 2008 at 6:28 am
“It was a Penthouse Production.”
I knew it was something like that.
Oh, and by the way, nice pun.
Reply
August 3rd, 2008 at 3:29 pm
*sigh*
This blog needs an animated series based on it.
Or an election. Or both.
Both is good.
Reply
March 15th, 2011 at 1:16 am
So, in other words, Michiel would be a perfect running mate in theory and practice, but a bad one from a comedian’s point of view. (This is the same logic that dictates that George Washington’s honesty is the one thing that would prevent his election in today’s world.)
Reply