General Petraeus Facts
(Submitted by SPC Cameron Kennedy)
I’m not sure if you are familiar with the Chuck Norris facts that are over exaggerated but they are rather hysterical. I have created a list of General Petraeus facts based on the true story of a LTC Petraeus being shot in the chest on a live fire exercise and then sent to the hospital. After being refused early release after only two days following the shooting, the then LTC Petraeus dropped down and knocked out 50 push-ups. He was released that day.
With that I humbly submit to you for possible publication: the General Petraeus facts.
1. M1 Abrams no longer fire depleted uranium rounds, they now have Gen Petraeus’ fist waiting down the barrel. It was deemed inhumane for use.
2. Osama bin Laden is not hiding in Pakistan, he’s hog tied in Gen Petraeus’ footlocker.
3. Iraq used to be a frozen tundra before Gen Petraeus got there.
4. The IBA was designed from Gen Petraeus’ chest.
5. Gen Petraeus stores his hands in the arms room.
6. The surge was not 30,000 troops sent to Baghdad, it was Gen Petraeus kicking down doors at the rate of 30,000 troops.
7. Gen Petraeus’ once sneezed on a prisoner, now they call it water boarding.
8. Osama bin Laden didn’t die from kidney disease, he died from extreme weight loss due to dysentery after shitting bricks when he found out that Gen Petraeus was after him.
9. Jesus can walk on water but Gen Petraeus can hand stand on air.
10. Gen Petraeus fought in so many wars that the Army created the Gen Petraeus medal. So far no chest is big enough to pin it on.
11. Gen Petraeus mean mugged Chuck Norris which scared him so bad he round house kicked his own face because death is far better for your health than getting the evil eye from Gen Petraeus.
12. Lamborghini’s new car is so powerful its not rated in horsepower its rate in Petraeus power and consumes more oil than China.
13. Gen Petraeus is so intimidating when he went to visit Alaska baby seals clubbed themselves.
14. Unicorns, dragons and jackalopes really did exist, Gen Petraeus just kicked them off Noah’s arc so he could bring his tanks in case he had to liberate the new land.
Follow
June 14th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
I’ll admit it, I laughed at 13.
Reply
June 14th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
I like it. I wonder how long until it gets it’s own site?
Reply
June 15th, 2009 at 12:09 am
I laughed at #9. Think they need more work. Less wordy.
Reply
June 15th, 2009 at 4:06 am
Nice.
Reply
June 15th, 2009 at 5:40 am
number seven was the best…thanks for something funny to read after an all nighter
Reply
June 15th, 2009 at 5:52 am
Captcha – swooned Smithsonian…Even the Smithsonian couldn’t stand up to General Petraeus!!!
Reply
June 15th, 2009 at 6:38 am
Gold!
Reply
June 15th, 2009 at 8:00 am
#9 was definitely the best! Some of them need some editting/refinement but I like it.
Reply
June 15th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Gen. Petraeus facts beat out Chuck Norris facts for a morning wake up.
Reply
June 15th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
I like #2. The man is really shorter than he looks on TV.
Reply
June 16th, 2009 at 4:53 am
On google, when you type “find Chuck Norris” and hit the “I feel lucky” button you get:
Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.
Your search – Chuck Norris – did not match any documents.
Suggestions:
Run, before he finds you
Try a different person
I’m going to try it with General Petraeus.
Reply
StoneWolf reply on June 18th, 2009 6:26 am:
I just tried that. It’s pretty funny. I wonder how long it will stay up.
Reply
Cathaine reply on August 15th, 2009 1:03 am:
I tried that, and immediately sent the directions to a friend – he has a Chuck Norris fact app so I think I just made his whole week!
Reply
June 17th, 2009 at 7:29 am
for submission:
A picture of General Petraeus was emailed to the the French government. They surrendered.
When asked about Gustave General Petraeus replied ‘made good steaks’
General Petraeus caused Cthulhu to lose sanity..
Reply
June 25th, 2009 at 5:22 am
Watch the Elton Jhon music concert he is a fab=ntastic singer
Reply