Zombie Story Part 2
This is the second part of a story of zombies during the revolutionary war. As I said before with my previous story, any comments of constructive criticism are appreciated. I shall continue this story until it’s end, and by the way, I know not when that end will come. I should let you know that I am hoping to get another story I wrote published eventually, so any help in that department will be met with much appreciation. And now, for the second part of my nameless zombie story.
“But mother, I want to help in the fight against the British, I want to avenge fathers death!” said Jennifer Miller. “You know how good of a shot I am with a musket; I learned when father took me hunting!” Jennifer’s father had died in debtor’s prison, when he was unable to pay the outrageous taxes the king had imposed.
“Out of the question, you are a woman, you shouldn’t be out there, risking your life, you’ll only get in the way, besides…” Jennifer’s mother was cut off by the town alarm, and then suddenly there were shots fired off in the distance. Jennifer’s mother grabbed her arm and dragged her into the house.
Once inside, Jennifer ran over and grabbed the musket in the corner of the room and went off to get the gunpowder and shot for it. “What are you doing?!” her mother whispered harshly. It was immediately after she whispered those words that the screams were heard, bloodcurdling screams. Jennifer came out of the back room of the house, the musket prepped and prepared. As her mother protested, hurrying toward the trap door of the house, Jennifer ran out the door, ignoring the words of her mother. As she looked down the street, she saw the first of them, crouching on the ground, eating the guts of one of the people she knew, it was a boy that had asked her out earlier that day in fact.
She lined up the shot and hit what looked like a soldier at first right in the head. She ran over to the boy lying on the ground, but he was dead, and it was beyond question. As Jennifer was about to start crying, the boy started to get up. “Don’t get up…” Jennifer began, but it was then that she saw the eyes of the young boy, and she pulled herself away just in time before her throat was chewed out.
She stepped away, and before the boy was able to lunge again, she hit him in the head as hard as she could with the butt of the musket. The boy’s head was smashed in and as he fell, Jennifer heard shuffled running from be hind. She spun around, and hit the being, who was once a British soldier, in the temple with the musket, smashing open his head like a ripe pumpkin.
Jennifer then began reloading her weapon. She had the speed of a minuteman, and it was a good thing, because it only took a moment for more of the undead bastards to appear. She managed to get one shot off on one of the zombies, before they got close to her. She managed to swing the musket hitting another zombie in the temple, and the body falling managed to knock over another zombie, and Jennifer managed to bring the butt of the rifle down onto the skull of the remaining zombie.
Then, as the zombie that fell began crawling toward her, she stomped on the head. It was then that she decided that it would be prudent to hide with her mother, she couldn’t do this forever, and somebody had to live to give word to the other settlements before they were overrun.
May 27th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
Keep it coming…I’m enjoying it.
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May 28th, 2009 at 4:28 am
Liking it a lot.
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May 28th, 2009 at 11:11 am
one word… NICE!!!!!!!!
Mr Skippy May I Have som MOAR!!!
captcha; classics presented…. this work of art is a classics presented to dis public…
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May 28th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
The second to last paragraph, you used “managed” and “zombie(s”) 4 times each. Unless you are going for parallelism, you should refrain from repeating words in the same paragraph as much as possible. If it’s a noun, you can usually get by with it once. Try substituting synonyms like “undead” or “monster” for zombie (especially since I don’t think they had the word zombie during the Revolution), and things like “just in time,” “barely,” or “by chance” for managed. Sometimes just leaving the word out does wonders.
Another idea would be to have a bayonet mounted on the rifle, so Jennifer doesn’t always have to hit her victims in the temple with the butt. Maybe have her stab a zombie in the chest, realize that doesn’t work, and hit/stab/shoot the head and find out that that does. Just some suggestions, not trying to be overly critcal.
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Captain Scurvy reply on June 1st, 2009 7:41 pm:
Either I just killed this thread or we have a major collection of people with no interest in literature.
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Billy reply on June 2nd, 2009 12:21 pm:
Now you know how I feel
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Captain Scurvy reply on June 4th, 2009 10:16 am:
I like this, there is a lot of potential here. You might have some trouble finding a publisher, as far as I know, they don’t take a lot of zombie books, but it makes for a great internet novel.
Billy reply on June 4th, 2009 10:52 am:
Well, zombie storys arn’t exactly my forte, my original story dealt with mutants after the world ended and was beginning it’s new ice age. I am still trying to figure out a way to get that one published
Sequoia reply on June 2nd, 2009 2:25 pm:
The revolutionaries didn’t have bayonets on their rifles. That wouldn’t work.
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Captain Scurvy reply on June 4th, 2009 10:14 am:
Maybe not, although she could use a knife of some sort. Or her daddy’s pistol if he left it behind. I must be thinking Civil War.
Actually, that would be a great sequel, the three-sided civil war: The North, The South, and The Undead.
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June 5th, 2009 at 6:45 am
Make sure you don’t leave out pitchforks and torches, either. Good job. The only point I was going to make was made by Captain-I-Don’t-Eat-Lemons, so I’ll just be the positive reinforcement! Other than avoid anachronism. :)
Captcha: 35 flee… from zombie lobsterbacks. Why is the Battle of New Orleans by Johnny Horton in my head now? They ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles…
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Captain Scurvy reply on June 6th, 2009 6:52 am:
You’re hilarious.
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ArchaicDome reply on June 6th, 2009 7:10 pm:
Looks aren’t everything. :)
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