Giant Military List
(Submitted by Soulex?)
1) Not allowed to roll around on the ground in my underwear
2) Not allowed to respond with a death glare when told to do something
3) When asked what I am doing by a SGM I am not allowed to respond with “looking for naked pictures of your mother”
4) As a private, I have no rights
5) I am not allowed to laugh when an NCO tells me he’s a bigger man than I am
6) Nor am I allowed to inquire why a big man can’t take out his own trash or mop his own floors
7) I am not allowed to come to PT wearing a pro mask, even if a certain other private stinks
8) I cannot force someone to take a shower
9) Do not cutoff the CG during a brief anymore midsentence
10) Even though my Dad said I can come home, the Army wont let me
11) I am not allowed to change genders as it will get me kicked out of the military
12) Even if I cover all medical expenses
13) Do not show up to a PT test with a Mountain Dew can and a cigarette lackadaisically to cheer on other soldiers
14) Even if my captain does it
15) Having a bachelors degree in education does not make you smart
16) If you can’t pronounce my name, I am not allowed to tell you to sound it out, even if you do butcher a seemingly easy name
17) During suicide awareness training, I am not allowed to say “1500 dollar rifle, 50 cent bullet, go take care of business” when asked what I would tell a soldier
18) When invited to play CoD 4 with some high ranking NCO’s at the MWR, they take it personally when you kick their ass, and will get threats of hours of smoking if you don’t stop :(
19) Do not ask for free hand grenades at the ASP, especially when they happened to have lost a hand grenade recently.
20) Do not name the mop
21) Do not ride the mop like a horsey
22) The mop does not have feelings too
23) Mop does not love you back
24) The words “I bet you cant…” is not an invitation to do something stupid
25) Aerobics is a really great thing to watch, not to do
26) The air guitar is not an authorized aerobics “dance”
27) Neither is the worm
28) Not allowed to make vomiting sounds every time my captain inquires about getting a tattoo on her inner thigh
29) Don’t instigate a fight between officers.
30) “Why are you humping that soldier’s leg?”
31) No longer allowed to sound off like I am in a death metal band
32) Do not ask the person watching me pee in a cup if he will go with me too
33) Nor should a casual conversation be struck up with 2 men alone in the bathroom
34) Do not pull your pants around your ankles like you are 6 years old to pee in said cup.
35) They want a urine sample, so stop giggling
36) Do not write article 15’s for faulty computer equipment
37) Do not challenge the first sergeant to the field of honor (thank you skippy)
38) Even if he has 2 swords laying around in his office
39) Throwing rocks at inert munitions is a big no no
40) Calling cadence in a made up language is not authorized
41) Nor is saying the word “Mooo” over and over
42) No longer allowed to ask “where the fuck is your combat patch?” to tradoc officers
43) Combat rolling into a promotion board will get you kicked out
44) So will do a Michael Jacksonesque spin when told to do an about-face
45) An NCO’s sense of humor requires me to be in the front leaning rest
46) When the CSM asks me where I am from, do not respond with “a vagina”
47) Don’t poke fun at the fobbit who went to combat stress 5 times because her job of surfing the Internet all day for shoes got too stressful
48) Do not threaten to jump as if I am committing suicide whilst standing on a curb
49) Do not actually jump and land in a belly flop
50) “God I hope you don’t reproduce”
51) Do not go to sick call claiming to be allergic to computer programs such as PowerPoint
52) I am not allowed to learn how to say “I have herpes for you” in Turkish to say to the TCN’s
53) Or in Spanish
54) “I have learned that ass kissing will get you farther than hard work”
55) If someone asks me to do something, do not sing “yo ho yo ho, a private’s life for me….” it’s not funny
56) If you don’t make coffee, officers get very irate and will scream at you until they get their crack
57) Do not answer the phone like it’s a game show
58) Do not answer the phone, say “do not want” and hang up
59) Stop licking the window
60) You can get smoked over an email :(
61) If you do all the work, someone else will get credit
62) Getting appendicitis 2 days before deployment will make you look like you are faking, even if you did almost die
63) I am not allowed to refuse to go out with my squad on missions
64) Even if they do frag me every training event we have
65) Gold Bonds Medicated Powder + genitals = bad idea
66) You have to surrender if you are OPFOR and you have destroyed your unit and they can’t find you even 15 minutes after the last shot was fired.
67) Buying an “Airborne Army Barbie” will coin strange looks
68) Especially if she is on display on or above your desk
69) During up armored Hummvee training, do not look in the back seats at the 2 senior officers and yell “you boys like Mexico?” and start driving really fast in circles
70) Not allowed to do brake checks anymore
71) Do not wear a target on the outside of your IBA
72) It is not a potty, little boys room, or baffwoom. It is a latrine, start acting like a soldier
73) Do not attempt to pet the marines
74) Quit telling female soldiers that “going to the field puts hair on your chest”
75) While taking a PT test, do not spread your arms out and start making airplane noises
76) I am no longer allowed to go to clubs to do my signature dances (gameboy, Macarena, sprinkler, pepper grinder, etc.)
77) While in charge of a PT formation, “hands up pants down” is not an authorized command
78) While in charge of a PT formation, I cannot force the squad/platoon to build a pyramid
79) There is no authorized “backwards day” so turn my uniform around
80) Mandatory fun does not authorize me to make my own “fun” by bringing a bottle of alcohol to a function
81) Do not laugh like Popeye during briefs anymore, even if it is obvious everyone is laughing because the 0-6 told a REALLY bad joke
82) I now must vacate the office before I pass gas
83) An officer violently grabbing an NCO is a lot better than the NCO telling the Officer to “get the fuck off me,” even if the officer instigated it.
84) Do not drive down the street in reverse anymore
85) If the army has a reg for it, someone did it already
86) Ping pong is the official sport for High ranking HHC units
87) No longer allowed to keep a “private stash” of “nutty buddies” next to the toilet because you don’t want your room mate stealing them
88) Make sure and check to see if anyone drew on you while you were passed out in the bushes before coming to formation
89) LT. Dam is not to be approached saying “LT. Dam, I got you some ice cream…Ice cream Lt. Dam” in a Forrest Gump voice
90) Although your short girlfriend can fit in your A bag, do not do so
91) Especially for an TA 50 check
92) Never let knowledge of your proficiency in Excel and PowerPoint out, you will be forever chastised and hounded
93) While vomiting from the 3rd balcony at the barracks, please ensure that there are no cars or people below you
94) Answering the door naked thinking it’s your girlfriend is a bad idea
95) An NCO will always think of interesting ways to punish you (like putting you on a detail with a soldier who cannot shut up for 2 seconds and doesn’t say anything intelligible)
96) Do not call an NCO “penis eater” because he as admitted to eating elk wang as an initiation stunt
97) No longer allowed to stand in the parking lot blocking traffic with a wash rag, glass cleaner, and charge 5 bucks to wash windows
98) If you fall upstairs and pass out in an awkward position, don’t act surprised when the CQ wake you up by flipping you back to a normal laying position
99) “If the unit is a giant family, than we have a huge problem with incest…” should not be brought up during a morale luncheon
100) Do not test my OIC’s knowledge of combatives. He will tie my legs to a tree.
101) When I am on the plane to come over to Iraq/Afghanistan/Korea/etc.,
I am no longer allowed to yell “Oh my GOD! I forgot my baby!” as we are taking off.
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March 22nd, 2009 at 10:50 pm
“73) Do not attempt to pet the marines”
Ohhh, but they’re so lovably dumb!
CAPTCHA: con Water, the choice of prisoners everywhere!
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CCO reply on March 24th, 2009 6:51 pm:
73A) Do not change that cadence that you learned at AIT from “gonna find a cook and start a fight” to “Find a Marine and start a fight” on a company run.
Actually I think it was “Whiskey Company”, but I can’t make that sound right in my head
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steelcobra reply on March 25th, 2009 12:02 am:
I used to be cav, so we’d modify Yellow Ribbon to go:
“Around His neck, he wore a pink bandanna
He wore it for his soldier who was in the infantry”
And don’t get me started on the tankers…
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Former Spc. 19K reply on March 25th, 2009 1:12 pm:
oh, really? tankers? do tell.
March 22nd, 2009 at 10:52 pm
ROFLMAO! “Lt Dam…”
My girlfriend said “I don’t like Forest Gump” so I always bug her by going “I luv youuu jeennnyyyy”
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JMireles reply on May 8th, 2009 11:20 pm:
My better half’s name is Ginny, so “I love you Ginny” done with Gump’s voice, just naturally seemed to fall into place.
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March 23rd, 2009 at 1:05 am
lol damn it skippy, you have me under 3 different names here :/
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skippy reply on March 23rd, 2009 8:46 am:
I use whichever name it was submitted under.
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March 23rd, 2009 at 1:15 am
56) making coffee… My NCOIC way back in the day told a story about how he was told that since he was the lowest ranking Airman, it was his job to make the coffee, he didnt drink coffee and had never made it before, so he put the filter in, added water to the pot like he had seen others do, but had no idea how much coffee to use, so he filled the filter basket. I think he said he used the whole can. Needless to say, the coffee was STRONG. I believe they told him to NEVER make coffee again
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Jon reply on March 23rd, 2009 8:41 am:
I remember standing either phone talker or aux electrician watch down in the engine room (as a nuke aboard a cruiser) and being sent to get coffee for the electrical operator. Of course, he had to be Mr. Fancy Pants and would send me with a bloody french press to make his coffee.
Apparently I did a decent job, because he sent me more than once.
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March 23rd, 2009 at 4:07 am
47 – Had Soldiers who got mortar’d in their work area, a big open cargo yard that was well lit 24 hours a day, every other day (we actually averaged it out it was once every two days for the year) never went to Combat stress, the HQ Orderly Room Clerk working in the reinforced concrete bunker went every two months.
62 – Had a Soldier get diagnosed with colon cancer back in 2003 right before deploying to invade Iraq. They had been going to sick call for a couple months and (per their original Platoon Sergeant) riding a profile. During predeployment when i announced they were medically non-deployable said former PLT SGT spoke up about the Soldier “finding a way out of it”, I replied with what the Soldier had, and they had it for at least 6 months. Then asked if he would he like to trade places with them. He was a very quiet PLT SGT for the deployment.
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Soulex? reply on March 23rd, 2009 6:30 am:
yeah, the appendisitis actually happened to me. we were doing our color casing ceremony, and i had been complaining of gas that whole day. the pain grew and i ended up falling out right before the ceremony.
Doctor said it was an accelerated case and if i would have waited to go on the plane to iraq, it would have burst on the plane. i just thought it was nice how everyone thought i was faking it, even after my emergency surgery.
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CCO reply on March 23rd, 2009 6:39 am:
They thought your were faking AFTER you had surgery? It’s not like you shot yourself in the foot or something!
Did you eventually deploy?
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Soulex? reply on March 23rd, 2009 6:44 am:
they thought i was faking and some thought i was faking and got surgery. which is odd in my eyes but w/e. but considering we had a female “mysteriously” get pregnant as soon as she came down on orders, had no boyfriend/husband/w/e. and she wasnt the only one drew suspision my direction.
i did deploy. deployed as we speak. my Rear D top tried to make me deploy 2 days after coming off of convo leave while still on profile.
CAPTCHA: loving 1876 – cause the 70’s were that badass
CCO reply on March 23rd, 2009 6:36 am:
Did the doctors get it all? My father had colon cancer. He had surgery and was OK for about six months. Six or eight months later it had metastasised into his liver and lungs. He died about three months later. Chemo did help with the pain though. I got my first colonoscopy a month ago; the doctor found “normal colon”.
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CCO reply on March 23rd, 2009 7:39 am:
A maternal uncle of mine had heart bypass surgery about the time my father had his cancer surgery. Later when he was in his 70s, my uncle got appendicitis over one Labor Day weekend. The hospital sent him home! (Is there a non-surgical treatment for appendicitis?) His appendix did rupture. They were able to pull him through with surgery and lots of antibiotics.
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SFC TC reply on March 23rd, 2009 7:47 pm:
The Soldier ended up fine, of course they did miss that deployment. Overall it was an interesting time, alls well that ends well I guess.
Captcha:
GAMMA race
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March 23rd, 2009 at 6:41 am
Wait, Soulex?, you tried to smuggle your girl friend onto the plane in your dufflebag? Classic comedy!
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CCO reply on March 23rd, 2009 7:16 am:
Oops, PFC Christensen, my bad.
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March 23rd, 2009 at 7:36 am
Soulex? = PFC Christensen = Thomas among other posts. Skippy either thought it was funny to name me 3 different people or he didnt know that they came from me.
it’d be nice for him to change my name seeing that i finally registered with the site *WINK WINK*
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March 23rd, 2009 at 7:59 am
#89 – We kinda wore out Gary Sinise back in 2003 calling him Lt Daaaan. He insisted it was “JUST A CHARACTER!” “Okaaay, Lt Daaaan…”
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March 23rd, 2009 at 8:05 am
OK, now that we got that straight, how many times have you made PFC? (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)
Oh, and keep your head and all that other good tactical stuff that you know better than I do since the only places I went were Alabama, Utah, and Washington state.
(Captcha: sorb scholder — what’s a sorb? Never mind rejected. Horses 11? Easy, Blackhorse.)
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March 23rd, 2009 at 8:11 am
i’ve only made PFC once. like skippy, i’m an excellent solider, i just goof off way too much.
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CCO reply on March 23rd, 2009 8:54 am:
Good! Betcha make E-4 before you get back! That approximates real money.
(Obviously I’m goofing off too much at work today myself.)
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March 23rd, 2009 at 9:58 am
I wasn’t thinking of writing anything, but then I got a captcha that begged to be shown.
captcha: split pictures. Now we can have a contest on the most creative thought on that one.
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March 23rd, 2009 at 10:44 am
What are the stories behind numbers 30, 50, 67-68, 82, and 83. Also, about numbers 87 and 97 were you allowed to do those things at some point?
Captcha: peal invoked — what is the purpose of this and how is it acomplished?
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March 23rd, 2009 at 12:42 pm
17) Because NOTHING reminds one of how life is worth living like two hours of required training. And for those who haven’t taken the online training for this, you CAN make “wrong” choices and get the guy killed, but that DOESN’T stop the training. You’re forced to go back, “groundhog day”-like until you get it right
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March 23rd, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Why can’t I get away with calling in constantly with excuses like:
1) I ate too much last night.
2) I made other plans.
3) My toe hurts.
4) My religious leader has told me that it is a crime against God to work on Fridays.
5) I don’t want to put away the stock, so I am not coming in today.
Although, when I called in dead, it did make my boss laugh. Then he told me to get a doctors note…. hmm.
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March 24th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
#8, cannot force anyone to take a shower? Whatever happened to the blanket party? I was never in the service on account of flaming faggotude, but my father asserted that, when one stinky recruit was keeping the whole bunk from passing inspection, a bunch of other recruits jumped the odorous one, hauled him to the showers and scrubbed him with push brooms. I have a co-worker who needs that treatment now, come to think of it.
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March 24th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
I made the mistake of letting others know I could manage Power Point. I eventually had the Haji Mart guys make me a “RANGER.ppt” tab. I even had it sewn on a uniform. Everyone liked it, even the Colonel. I eventually cut it off when the joke was over.
Similar to 58, I had a buddy working in the same capacity at higher headquarters. I’d be late on some damn report and the Colonels would be on his ass to get from me. But they always wanted it while the shit was hitting the fan and I was awfully busy. I’d answer the phone and the moment I recognized my friend’s voice, I’d just hang up. He’d get his ass chewed and my Colonel would get a phone call.
My friend never let anything bother him so he’d just shrug his shoulders and go on. My Colonel would come down and I’d give him a quick battle brief. I was always justified. Matter of fact, my Colonel eventually quit coming to see me, knowing that if I hung up on higher headquarters, I was busy as hell and even he didn’t need to be bothering me.
Yes, I was a fobbit. But I went out when ever I could. My job was taking care of those who routinely went out into the shit and I took it very seriously. I was a goof, a jokester, not a typical officer (six years NCO). I did my best work when the crap was hitting the fan. When I was in the zone, nobody f’d with me.
And by the way, I made my own coffee, mopped my own floors and gave the EMs every break I could. They were the ones in the crosshairs, not me.
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CCO reply on March 25th, 2009 7:37 am:
Shazzam, sir! A major who’s not a pain!
Better to be a little late on report than wrong. I accidently caused the maintenance NCO in our company to tell the battalion commander something wrong. I can’t remember exactly how it happened, but it was a pacing item (almost essential) or mission essential that was or was not ordered. Basically my document register was messed up for a week. I think I accidently double ordered a $5000 item; they were failing so we needed another one soon so it worked out OK.
CCO
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March 25th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Speaking of matinence, i have a new one for you:i will not turn in in a service packet for a delorean time machine just to prove my pll and chief dont pay attention, and then post it in the office, even if they do sign off on it and put it on the deadline report
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March 25th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
wow, already commented on a previous post, but this captcha is great: extracts 26
extracts 26 of what from where?
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March 27th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
“24) The words “I bet you cant…” is not an invitation to do something stupid”
Since when?
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May 8th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Back in high school, had a guy in my social circle that we all called “Swamp Thing”. Never cut his hair, and showered once a year. We finally got tired of smelling him, so we bum rushed him one day, dumped him fully clothed into the shower, turned on the water, and poured laundry detergent on top of him. He stayed clean on a fairly regular basis after that.
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May 9th, 2009 at 12:45 am
2) Not allowed to respond with a death glare when told to do something
It’s also apparently inappropriate to try to melt their face with your heat vision.
13) Do not show up to a PT test with a Mountain Dew can and a cigarette lackadaisically to cheer on other soldiers
Showed up for PT test like that. Smoked the last quarter mile. I was already failing anyways.
18) When invited to play CoD 4 with some high ranking NCO’s at the MWR, they take it personally when you kick their ass, and will get threats of hours of smoking if you don’t stop :(
Good to know the military is run by cry babies who can’t lose gracefully.
24) The words “I bet you cant…” is not an invitation to do something stupid
Calling it an invitation implies that you can choose not to do so.
32) Do not ask the person watching me pee in a cup if he will go with me too
They also hate if you ask them to help you aim. Or hold the cup for you.
57) Do not answer the phone like it’s a game show
58) Do not answer the phone, say “do not want” and hang up
They also get upset if when they ask for someone you says “Who’s calling?” and when they answer you say “Oh they’re not here.”
70) Not allowed to do brake checks anymore
They usually don’t buy it when you point out that it’s just preventative maintenance.
76) I am no longer allowed to go to clubs to do my signature dances (gameboy, Macarena, sprinkler, pepper grinder, etc.)
92) Never let knowledge of your proficiency in Excel and PowerPoint out, you will be forever chastised and hounded
Made that mistake. After the fifth training powerpoint presentation I had to prepare, I started putting the trainers name on the front page in tiny little letters under my name in great big ones. Only had to do that twice.
Sadly I’m familiar with most of those, but gameboy?
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June 4th, 2009 at 3:54 am
90) Although your short girlfriend can fit in your A bag, do not do so
91) Especially for an TA 50 check
And I thought I was the only one to do that.
Captcha: screenplay quakers, because the bakers and candlestick makers were busy.
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February 26th, 2014 at 8:50 am
69) During up armored Hummvee training, do not look in the back seats at the 2 senior officers and yell “you boys like Mexico?” and start driving really fast in circles
Somebody has been watching Super Troopers!
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