I Should Be A TV Producer
Here are my ideas for new reality TV shows. Clearly I am a genius and should be rewarded with millions of dollars and a hot tub that is filled with Cognac. I don’t even really know why anyone would want that much Cognac, or if soaking in it is in any way a good idea, but I would certainly like one on the basis that it sounds like something insanely rich people get.
So You Think You Can Circumsise A Velociraptor:
This premise seems fairly obvious. The drawback is that Velociraptors do not actually exist except as fossils. And we all know those were put in the ground by Satan to fool us into thinking that the Earth is older than 6000 years. Okay sure, we could substitute another large carnivore, but not many of them are as fun to say as “Velociraptor”. Maybe a Kodiak will do in a pinch, which, as we all know is the poor man’s Velociraptor.
Nearly Taken:
This show is a cross between The Great Race, Fear Factor, and Scare Tactics. The show pretends to kidnap people’s children and then films them going through a series of bizarre challenges in order to get them back. “Mr Douglas, if you ever want to see your daughter alive again, you must drive to Las Vegas and convince a male Elvis impersonator to give you a lap dance.”
Stunt Driver for a Day:
Regular people come onto the show and recreate famous vehicular stunts for cash and prizes. Yes there is a risk of death or serious injury but that’s what insurance and waivers are for. People like watching cars smash into things. Untrained amateur stunt drivers are much more likely to wreck their ride than a trained professorial is. And there is no shortage of young men who would volunteer to try “Jumping the General Lee” or “Doing that Lombard street car chase segment from Bullit.”
Minimum Wage Warriors:
Hidden cameras watch over crappy minimum wage jobs. Some of the employees are up and coming stand-up comedians. People who can prove their skill in the comedic arts, but are not well known yet. Their real job is to wait in ambush for obnoxious or rude customers. Then deliver the verbal smack-down that these folks so richly deserve. There are enough people who have had to work crappy jobs int his country that I think the market for this show is huge.
Celebrity A-Team:
Every season a variety of B and C listers are selected, and trained in Special Operations direct action tactics from our own panel of expert veterans. Every episode ends with one or more of the Celebrities washing out of the training program. Ever season culminates with a “Mission” where the team tries to accomplish a training version of the sort of mission that real commandos go on, all while be hunted down by by a bunch of gleeful soldiers equipped with the highest power simunitions that money can buy.
I’m thinking the first seasons line up should be Gary Buesy, Kathy Griffin, whatever celebutard is the hottest property right now (Either Hilton or Lohan is my guess), Brian Posehn, The guy who played Carlton on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Screech, Vanilla Ice, Fred Savage, Kate Gosselin, Yakov Smirnoff, Right Said Fred, Corey Feldman (unless he’s the dead one, in which case get the other Corey), The Situation and Sinbad. We might be able to get a Palin or two involved as well. The reality show ones, not the actually a veteran one. We want to avoid any Celebrities that have had much chance of actually having marched around the wilderness with a gun before, unless they are so crazy that their experience won’t be an asset. We’re looking at you Mr. Busey.
The opening credits can be the various celebrities be evacuated off a hot landing zone while CCR’s Fortunate Son blares. Either that or Paint It Black by the Stones. Although that last song might be better used for the episode where Kathy Griffin trips a mine, resulting in an ambush where half her squad gets wiped out. The first day of training, when everybody looks like a pack of extras from Stripes can be set to This is How We Do It my Montell Jordan.
And we totally need R. Lee Ermey to host the show, and occasionally yell at people who do not perform to his standards. He should be offered a bonus for each time he makes a contestant cry. Double bonus if it’s Busey.
Their final exercise will be a recreation of the Raid at Cabanatuan. Probably set at a Club Med Philippines for promotional purposes. We could use the Klendathu Drop music for this scene.
I think the last two are actually incredibly marketable ideas.
Follow
December 14th, 2010 at 3:43 pm
You’ve got my vote. I would watch the A-Team religiously.
Reply
December 14th, 2010 at 4:08 pm
The last two would be the greatest reality TV shows ever devised.
The last idea can only be improved on by adding four commentators, these men would talk over replays of celebrity “deaths” and describe the specifics of the training and the missions the celebrities undergo. The names of the commentators will, undoubtedly be George Peppard, Dirk Benedict, Dwight Schultz, and Mr. T.
Mr. T will provide the color commentary. “Vanilla Ice should have quit his jibba jabba, stunned the OpFor with a flash-bang, and then him and his fool ass should have pied the corner.”
Reply
Angelus reply on December 14th, 2010 6:10 pm:
Isn’t George Peppard dead?
Reply
Sean reply on December 14th, 2010 7:35 pm:
As a doornail.
Reply
Twan reply on December 14th, 2010 8:11 pm:
Well that just almost nearly ruined my night a little.
It is sad, though.
Windy Wilson reply on December 14th, 2010 8:48 pm:
I’ve had time to get over it.
December 14th, 2010 at 4:33 pm
I think Skippy should be his own reality show…
Captcha: nose advally
Not sure what that is, but it should be part of his reality show.
Reply
December 14th, 2010 at 4:44 pm
Crash Course (Stunt Driver for a Day) actually was a program on ABC a summer or two ago. Only reality show I’d ever consider trying to get on — although the creepier the contest was, the better chance they seemed to have.
Reply
December 14th, 2010 at 5:06 pm
I would totally watch Minimum Wage Warriors! OMG, Someone NEEDS to make this show, today!
Reply
December 14th, 2010 at 5:39 pm
Combat With The Stars! Pair up a bunch of celebrities with hardened battle veterans, and have them go in daring two-man raids. Viewers can call in and vote for the best team, based on things such as mission success and “Flair” (Quietly get in, secure the intel, and get out, without tripping the alarm? Not bad. Do the same thing, but gun down 20 guards and blow up a fighter jet? Better.)
Reply
December 14th, 2010 at 6:22 pm
So, you think you can castrate a Cape Buffalo?
Reply
Willy reply on December 15th, 2010 1:14 am:
LMAO!
I can see it now… a show about castrating dangerous predators…
Captcha: practice rockst
Well they need practice…
Reply
December 14th, 2010 at 7:43 pm
Skippy, you’re going to hell. (Heavy sigh.) And so am I because I really like those last 2 ideas. Oh well, I’m sure lots of other kindred spirits will be there.
Reply
December 14th, 2010 at 9:44 pm
celebrity a-team sounds great
i would throw in a few non celebs, non military outdoorsy types who could pick up some of the slack (or even some former military)
and it need not be just military type ops, i’d through in some search and rescue, police, wildland firefighting and other type ops as well
in fact i would volunteer for this
Reply
December 15th, 2010 at 2:52 am
RE: Castrate a Velociraptor…
Remove the “truck-nuts” from this bad boy.
Reply
December 15th, 2010 at 11:14 am
EPIC WIN IS FULL OF WIN!!!!!
please tell me some one is already doing a flash version of the last one or at least the raptor one!
Reply
December 15th, 2010 at 12:11 pm
I would love the A-Team and your absolutely right. R. Lee Ermy HAS to do it. You also need to get Ted Nugent involved.
Reply
redleg reply on December 17th, 2010 1:33 am:
Ted Nugent as the opfor. If you can get this on I will buy a Television and watch this.
jaf
Reply
December 15th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
I would love the Minimum Wage Warriors one, and the last idea is just… epic win.
Reply
December 15th, 2010 at 4:20 pm
That’s why i went ahead and bought lakefront property in hell. Skippy you can stay at the lake house anytime!
Reply
December 15th, 2010 at 4:50 pm
Pure Genius, Skippy. You have my support.
I can see Mike Rowe doing the opening voiceovers for Celebrity A-Team.
Reply
December 15th, 2010 at 6:37 pm
I’d watch!
Reply
December 16th, 2010 at 1:09 am
i would totally watch celebrity a-team religiously
Reply
December 16th, 2010 at 11:06 am
I would watch every episode of th elast two.
Reply
December 17th, 2010 at 4:36 pm
While most sounds extremely entertaining, I wanna address the A-Team one. I want IN. I so want in. I will gleefully volunteer to be OPFOR on this one. Anything for a chance to put some simunitions between the eyes of some overpaid actor. Of course, being a medic, I’ll be on hand to treat Kathy Griffin’s ankle, when she attempts the assault course in high heels. Of course, once I slap an ace bandage on her, I’ll stand up and unload an entire mag on her…I like AFP’s idea of flair…nothing screams “AWESOME!!!” like a fighter jet exploding before take-off.
Reply
December 18th, 2010 at 4:51 pm
+1 on MinWagWar and Celebrity A-Team.
Reply
December 21st, 2010 at 10:26 am
Oh my goodness, YES. All were awesome ideas, but the last two would be SO FULL OF WIN. After working a handful of jobs in which I’d get more and more frustrated, and some days say JUST loud enough to let customers hear, “Boy, EVERYONE needs to work a Customer Service Job ONE WEEK in their lives and see if they are jerks to us after” …this idea would be sweet revenge on all those idiots!!
OOH, what if they found notorious poor customers (that Walmart McDonalds Guy and the woman that climbed through the drive-thru window….at McDonalds…) and purposely sent them to those stores?!?! Further win.
Also, go check out that video of B-list and lower celebs singing “Let It Be” and that gives you another good list of “Celebrity A-Team” contestants. Jason Alexander and a dude from Milli Vanilli!! Ricky Schroeder!! Ricki Lake!!
Captcha – Lords Vocksolf – another contestant? Maybe a host?
Reply
February 12th, 2011 at 8:06 am
ok, that saved my hungover day
Reply
February 12th, 2011 at 8:07 am
ok that saved my hungover day
Reply
August 16th, 2011 at 10:32 pm
“Dance For Your Life”
Combines the elements of dance shows, talent contests, douchbag celebrity shows, ‘Survivor,’ and nods to the cultural sociologist in us all. The premise is: a group of the most annoying celebrities is transported to a remote location inhabited by cannibals. Every week the contestants must pair off and dance for said cannibals. The worst pair of dancers will be fed to the cannibals (so it’s like recycling, which should appeal to the environmentalists), and the others will be allowed to return to their camp for another week. This schedule continues until all but one pair of dancers has been eaten. This pair is allowed to live, and leave, and is given money so long as they swear to avoid the spotlight for the rest of their lives.
Bonus, it can also involve elements from a cooking show if one of the cannibal chefs is given a translator who can come up with witty names for the dishes, like “Flamenco Flambe`.”
Reply
April 26th, 2016 at 10:02 am
The last one though. that is the best gem in there. They already do Dancing with eh Stars so why not Serving with the Stars? Im thinking Hell’s Kitchen meets Ninja Warrior with celebrity participants. Each celeb competes for air time (B and C listers always looking for a way to get their face back out there right?) and cash prizes. The cash prizes are awarded to a charity of the celeb’s choosing (like the celebrity editions of other gameshows) or from a pre-defined list of charities they show itself chooses (with a focus on military/public servant oriented charities like wounded warrior and funds for families of killed military/fire/police). Oooooh…and for the finale the celebs that have made the cuts get to attempt a real-ish mission against actual military personnel (think something like the game Counter-Strike or Call of Duty where there is a primary goal for each team but rankings system based on performance and stats) If you market the package correctly it doesn’t even have to be a full season type show in the beginning. Ninja warrior for years was just a few episodes twice a year that covered the best of the whole competition and later grew to the point where they now make 10 or 12 episodes each year and RAKE IN THE DOUGH!
Reply