My Movie Star Good Looks
Some of my family members have insisted that I elaborate on item number 18 on this past Monday’s list.
I was in the living room having just watched a commercial for the new cinematic abortion that was X-Men: Origins, when I had a flash of inspiration.
“Wife! Come in here! I have an announcement.”
My wife entered the room, giving me a questioning look.
“Alright, what is this announcement?”
“I have decided to grow Wolverine-style mutton chops.”
“Sweet Jesus! Why?”
“Because it will make me look like Hugh Jackman.”
With that my wife gave me a look that is most charitably described as pitying.
“Oh. Sweetie. No. No it won’t.” She then began to elaborate, “Do you think that if I dyed my hair red, and wrapped myself up in some white ace bandages I would look like Milla Jovovich in The Fifth Element?”
And I thought about answering that question. And then I thought about the fact that there didn’t appear to be an answer that couldn’t be used against me. And then I thought about the fact that as a pregnant woman, my wife could basically stab me to death at whim and walk away from it.
And so I pled the fifth, and ran away.
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May 14th, 2009 at 12:26 am
It is good to see that incipient fatherhood has greatly increased your IQ. That was a very, very, wise thing you chose to do- and not to say.
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May 14th, 2009 at 3:22 am
Hmmm, looks like there’s a chance you might survive this pregnancy after all!
captcha: 10 friskier — ten times friskier….heck, that’s how Skippy got himself in this to begin with!
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May 14th, 2009 at 4:18 am
Wise decision. I also recommend aquiring (read, build, beg, borrow or steal) full plate mail or equivalent. Because, as male, when you piss her off, if you are already steel plated you might survive. Or just dig a foxhole in the back yard and hide there.
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Tim Covington reply on May 14th, 2009 5:41 am:
And, if she does kill him, the foxhole will make a nice ready-made grave.
Captcha: chump anthropologist – why yes, many anthropologists are chumps
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Billy reply on May 14th, 2009 9:57 am:
And it may help in the upcomeing zombie apocalypse
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Jim A reply on May 15th, 2009 5:15 am:
Well, no. Foxholes help to protect you from people who are trying to shoot you or blow you up, things that zombies have neither the inclination or ability to do. I suppose it could protect you from neighbors who are bad shots, but it would do nothing against zombies except make it harder to run away.
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Billy reply on May 15th, 2009 10:30 am:
I was referring to the steel plating, as in armor.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:44 am
You are wise for one so young. My dumb old ass would have said something that would have gotten me killed like, “Sure you’d look like Milla; 9 months after the closing scene of the movie.” Then I would be dead and she would get off scot-free.
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May 14th, 2009 at 6:16 am
Good case of self preservation. Very well done. However, this will not save you from changing diapers when the time comes. And, oh, there *will* be diapers.
CAPTCHA – moralize At – What those corner preachers do when you’re just trying to enjoy a day in the city.
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May 14th, 2009 at 6:21 am
Maybe this is just my youthful bachelorhood talking, but couldn’t you have also gotten away from severe pain and suffering by simply looking off into the distance like JD from Scrubs and then snapping back and saying “I’m sorry honey. I got distracted by the thought of you in that outfit and looking like a redhead.” ?
Maybe it’s just me.
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TeratoMarty reply on May 14th, 2009 6:40 am:
No, that tactic would only result in savage beatings. Trust me. Pregnant ladies do not often feel like trying out sexy new looks. They usually feel like bloated, hormonal walruses. Assuring them that they’re beautiful just as they are is the only way.
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Jane reply on May 14th, 2009 9:06 am:
True that, TeratoMarty. I’m only in my 4th month, already gained 25 lbs and do NOT want to hear anything about my physical appearance at all. In fact, even if my hubby tells me I’m beautiful just the way I am, it’s likely to provoke moping and cries of “No I’m not, you’re just trying to make me feel better!”
There really is no safe answer. Skippy was right to flee.
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StoneWolf reply on May 14th, 2009 9:17 am:
When a man asks a woman a question, there is a right answer, and it is probably the simplest and most obvious (we’re not that bright). When a woman asks a man a question, there is no right answer, merely degrees of suffering. This fact can be exhaserbated by the miriade of biological cycles women must suffer through that make no sense to men, as we are not complex enough life forms to have cycles. Our one and only plan, dig in, whether the storm, and hope she still likes us enough to share a bed when its all over. Repeat as needed.
Captcha: mildews feet-staying too long in your wife-resistant foxhole
TeratoMarty reply on May 14th, 2009 9:29 am:
Ah, I see. My tactics might be skewed, since I’ve never been married to the pregnant lady in question, am unlikely to ever be, and am in fact flamingly gay. Gay guys have more leeway when commenting on ladies’ appearances, because we are presumed to be objective observers. So never mind me, in short, and heed the wisdom of Skippy.
tsukinofaerii reply on May 14th, 2009 11:04 am:
I would think a long pause followed by, “I’m sorry, what did you say? I was thinking of how much I love you” should be safe enough, but I’ve never been pregnant and it’s not worth the pain a mistake will bring. Running away was probably the best bet.
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Sean Beattie reply on May 14th, 2009 11:12 am:
Oh, a response like that is blood in the water, man. At least try to stick to something outright complimentary. Even *I* know that much. Personally I have such a dark streak in me that I’d probably try to screw with a pregnant woman’s head just to have the wrath befall the husband (*to husband while wife’s back is turned* “You shouldn’t talk like that. She’s carrying your kid, after all.”) And then slink away in time for the thunder to be called down.
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HardNose reply on May 14th, 2009 8:03 pm:
Any long pause before the answer of a pregnant woman’s question will call down nothing short of the wrath of a mighty Djinn. If she percieves any pause, it means your comments are not heart felt and you’re looking for a way out. Or posiibly another way in…
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May 14th, 2009 at 6:25 am
I think the proper answer is something like, “I don’t know, can we try it and see?”
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May 14th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Well, since it is well known that women hear what they want to hear. Why not just mumber some non-descript syllables and let her hear what she wants to!
Captcha: to numbness. The lidocaine toast?
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Storm Raven reply on May 14th, 2009 7:36 am:
Only if you want to get beaten to death, pregnant women tend to be like pure nitro-glicerin, the wrong look can set them off, the nitro-glicerin is less dangerous and more predictable at least you know what it will do.
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May 14th, 2009 at 7:51 am
you did good skippy, pregnate woman dont hesitate to kill there corresponding husbands or any other people….
please dont tell my wife I said that she would kill me…
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May 14th, 2009 at 7:52 am
had to do it…
captch; tacos in
yummy my fav meal tacos!!!
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May 14th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Skippy, I request that you post a picture of yourself, so that your fan base can objectively assess how you would look with Wolverine-style muttonchops. Possibly employing Photoshop. This has everything to do with scientific inquiry, and nothing at all to do with the fact that, when I was 13, my budding (homo)sexuality focused on Wolverine as the object of my first love.
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Matt reply on May 14th, 2009 1:25 pm:
Wolverine? Ohh, I think you could of done better…
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Jane reply on May 15th, 2009 8:10 am:
Bless your heart, TM. Your first crush being Wolverine is the cutest thing I ever heard of (except maybe a college friend whose first crush was Darth Vader).
My husband’s first crush was Tasha Yar. I still awwww over that.
My captcha is “crutches the” – yep, Skippy will be on crutches if he makes any more remarks about his wife’s appearance.
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Minty reply on May 15th, 2009 1:51 pm:
Darth Vadar?! Awww. . .
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paula reply on May 15th, 2009 5:30 pm:
I dunno, Marty: actually seeing our overlord Skippy might, just MIGHT, end up as a disappointment. I mean, yes, Skippy could possibly be as hunky as Wolverine, but what if he’s actually more like Napoleon Dynamite? Yikes!
Perhaps when she’s at, say, the 8-1/2 month point with those twins, Mrs. Skippy will feel like giving us an opinion?
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TeratoMarty reply on May 15th, 2009 6:50 pm:
My mental image of Skippy actually looks like a skinnier, no-ass version Private Snafu. I just wanna see him with muttonchops.
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May 14th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Nah, you would’ve been fine. Pregnant woman chasing after ex-soldier, who’s in better shape/can run faster? I rest my case.
Plus you would have the satisfaction of watching her face fill with anger in 0.3 of a second over a few comedic words.
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Sabra reply on May 14th, 2009 10:12 am:
She wouldn’t need to catch him; she knows where he sleeps.
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May 14th, 2009 at 11:27 am
The correct answer is, “I don’t know. Could you try it?”
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May 14th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
The correct course of action was skippy’s. Remember guys, this is why God invented mechanical things and a place to putter around with them, The Garage!!!
Seriously, it is the foxhole in which to hide from an enraged woman, pregnant or not.
I have never had to deal personally with a pregnant S/O (thank GOD!) but I’ve seen it done well and poorly. It isn’t ever pretty when it is done poorly. The stains take forever to get out.
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May 14th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Well, having been a pregnant female in the not-too-distant past, I can say with a reasonable amount of certainty that 1) there was indeed no right answer and 2) she’s probably still fuming over your lack of answer. I know that any silence on my husband’s part was always presumed to be an unspoken “God you WHALE!” or something similar. Now, of course, I’m fairly certain it wasn’t, but there’s no arguing with hormones.
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May 14th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Keep a small chocolate bar in your pocket (or something shiny like a diamond ring). When asked a question like that, unwrap the chocolate, throw and when she is distracte, run the opposite direction…
A lot of us ex-soldiers can be out-run by Pregnant Wommen… it’s part of the ex-soldier phenomenom, like straggly mustaches, sleeping late and not shining boots.
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Speed reply on May 15th, 2009 7:14 am:
I tease my wife about keeping chocolate bars with Mydols secreted inside of them. In extreme situations, open the door from the outside and do the Hollywood grenade pin pull on the chocolate bar with your teeth, tossing the bar into the room ahead of you. Just like the grenade, give it at least 5 seconds to detonate. Big bars, too none of those crappy “fun size” bars.
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May 14th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
make that a LARGE chocolate bar (and it’d better be the GOOD stuff!), and you might have a chance!
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Minty reply on May 15th, 2009 1:53 pm:
The other day I saw a bag of Giardelli bittersweet chips for sale. How bittersweet, do you ask? 100% Cacao. I practically had an orgasm right there in the grocery store.
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kat reply on May 16th, 2009 7:09 am:
Actually, that sounds kindof gross, that’s like baking chocolate, NOT something you’d actually want to eat, way too bitter.
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May 14th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
I’d have asked, “Would you do that for me?”
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May 14th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
I will spare you the Kipling and only say that I found the complete text on someone’s blog and then kept downloading from Project Gutenberg until I got the volume that “The Female of the Species” is in.
CCO
BT
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May 15th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Skippy, it occured to a group of my compatriots and I that whenever someone starts touching your wife’s swelling midsection you can yell, “leggo my prego!”
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May 19th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Capcha: impales goal. The joke kinda writes itself, don’t it? Just add pregnant lady and clueless hubby.
ITA the chocolate bar idea, just be sure it’s whatever SHE prefers (Bittersweet does nothing for me, I like the kind of milk chocolate you can get everywhere.). You might also offer to follow up with a foot rub and maybe a bubble bath…
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