They’re Baaaack. . .
The Muffia has been spotted in the Greater Seattle Area.
Some of you may remember my first skirmish with the dreaded Muffiaso. I thought I escaped them when I moved out here a few years back. Apparently not, because this morning, the HR manager at my new job related a tale to me which, unbeknownst to her, informs me that they have managed to push past the Rockies. As a result, I feel it necessary to pass this tale on so that all of you in the area fighting the good fight can be on the lookout.
But first, in order to fully appreciate the story I am about to relate, you need to know something about its original teller. My new HR manager is a Russian immigrant (no, she wasn’t a mail-order bride), which means she’s hard-working, level-headed, and a sarcastic bitch. In a good way, of course.
A few days ago, my awesome Russian HR manager—who I’ll call Natasha, just to assert my own bitchiness—was tootling along the highway at the lovely speed of 75 mph, enjoying one of the few nice days we get here in the Great Northwetwest, when the car in front of her screeched to a halt. Fully schooled in the laws of cause-and-effect and possessing a healthy sense of mortality, she slammed on the brakes and narrowly avoided major whiplash by the equally quick thinking of the driver behind her.
Traffic jams on a highway aren’t particularly remarkable. However, the source for this particular jam was. Like any right-thinking individual, Natasha assumed that there had been an accident, or construction workers had magically sprung up out of the concrete holding cute little orange signs, as they are wont to do.
She was wrong.
It turns out that a Muffiaso, while on the way to dump her precious tots on someone else so she could rush off to plot the downfall of society while sucking down venti lo-fat double-soy triple-distilled-through-a-civet’s-ass amaretto maraschino lattes, stopped in the passing lane to see what she may or may not have run over.
Allow me to repeat that. During rush hour, some stupid bitch stopped her fucking minivan in the passing lane of a major highway, put said fucking minivan in park, got out of said fucking minivan, walked around said fucking minivan, and bent over.
Did I mention her children were with her?
So, this Muffiaso caused a massive pileup because she just had to make sure that the empty black trash bag she rolled over may or may not have attached its proletarian self to the undercarriage of her ugly, dented-to-shit boil on the ass of the American auto industry. This, of course, left the unwashed masses the Muffia regularly preys upon to marvel in wonder at the glory of her liposuctioned ass as it blocked the far right lane while she asserted her rights as the center of the universe.
There aren’t any handy news articles I can link to prove this is a true story. Even so, I assure you it is completely real; the unholy bastard child of Stephenie Meyer and Dan Brown conceived during a drug-fueled one night stand couldn’t make this shit up.
Anyway. While Natasha is telling me all this, my brain is reeling, wondering just how the hell humanity has reached the point where morons who can barely pull their underwear on in the morning survive childhood. And then Natasha says the one thing that proves the former Soviet Union is still relevant in the 21st Century:
“If she had been hit by a car and killed, I do not think the world would be such a bad place.”
Apparently, unlike the US, in Mother Russia, Darwin eats you.
Follow
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:28 am
oh wow.. i think she may have located my aunt..
Reply
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:32 am
Darwinism! Whoohoo! Lets break out the chainsaw of natural selection and get busy. Russian women are awesome. The only reason in Vermont to stop and see what you hit is if you think it was a deer. And then that’s just so you can toss it in the pickup to eat later. Other than that, fuck it and drive on.
Captcha: carpeted muffin-way too easy.
Reply
Catherine reply on April 23rd, 2009 9:27 am:
Hey, rabbits are pretty good eating too. Plus, annoying muffia members would make great speed bumps, being mostly composed of silicone and botox. Anyone else in favor, say aye.
Reply
Raven Prometheus reply on April 23rd, 2009 6:04 pm:
AYE!
Reply
David B reply on March 5th, 2014 6:48 pm:
AYE!
David B reply on March 5th, 2014 6:47 pm:
And Wisconsin! If you hit a deer and kill it, you can go and get it registered and keep the rack, if it happens to be a buck. That is how my grandpa came across a nice 12 pointer with a 16″ spread! Got a head and shoulder mount of that one!
Reply
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:48 am
Now be honest, did you write this just for the promise of snuggle time with Nathan Fillion that Skippy made last post?
Reply
April 23rd, 2009 at 6:14 am
Haha, Charles Darwin and the Chainsaw of Natural Selection! I haven’t heard that referenced in a while! Stonewolf, did you get it where I think you got it?
Reply
StoneWolf reply on April 23rd, 2009 10:15 am:
Probably. Does she have red hair and live in a cartoon?
Reply
Arcanum reply on April 23rd, 2009 10:47 am:
She does. Ever since I saw that comic, I’ve wanted a Charles Darwin action figure with the Chainsaw of Natural Selection and Real Sawing Action. :D
Reply
StoneWolf reply on April 23rd, 2009 12:05 pm:
Screw that, I want to build the chainsaw! And the redhead.
StoneWolf reply on April 23rd, 2009 10:59 am:
Probably. Does it involve a redhead and druid tree porn?
Reply
StoneWolf reply on April 23rd, 2009 12:04 pm:
Stupid slow internet not posting my original comment!
Reply
ArchaicDome reply on April 24th, 2009 10:20 am:
I SO wanna see this cartoon.
captcha: year mumps- how you tell children’s ages. Like trees.
Reply
Stonewolf reply on April 24th, 2009 8:42 pm:
Go look up Queen of Wands and be patient. There’s alot of reading.
April 23rd, 2009 at 7:15 am
Looks like we have another future cantidate for the Darwin Awards. I DO hope she wins.
Reply
April 23rd, 2009 at 8:09 am
Hey now, there could have been KITTENS in that trash bag, kittens I tell you!
..okay, I got nothing. But then every time I’ve driven through Seattle the I-5 and the I-405 have been doing their parking lot impressions anyway.
Reply
David reply on April 23rd, 2009 9:39 am:
Puppies in the sack! Puppies in the sack!
captcha: or broads – yeah, or broads?
Reply
April 23rd, 2009 at 8:46 am
People like that are the reason I an pondering becoming a serial killer. I will kill my idiotic victims in their sleep, set up a cd playing the song “Mr.Sandman” on repeat and carefully and methodically remove each body part and organ ala Jack the Ripper, and note, for the pukeing cops who arrive on the scene, the absence of either a brain or a heart.
captcha: wheel goes….squish
Reply
Catherine reply on April 23rd, 2009 9:28 am:
Good luck finding either a brain or a heart in these self-obsessed bitches.
Reply
David reply on April 23rd, 2009 9:35 am:
I thought about it, but it looks like it would be a lot of work to be a serial killer. I work too hard each day so my beloved can drive her bimbo box around and block traffic for me to have enough spare time or energy that hasn’t been sucked out of me vampirically to devote to the proper planning it would require to join the ranks of America’s Most Wanted.
captcha: Bye terrier – unless I start small and work up
Reply
April 23rd, 2009 at 9:18 am
I will be forever indebted to Neal Stephenson’s “SnowCrash” for the term ‘bimbo box’, applied to the vehicle of choice (SUV/Minivan) of the Muffioso of his dystopian future.
Reply
April 23rd, 2009 at 10:52 am
Dear god it sounds like the Footballers Wives And Girlfriends in their Cheslsea Tractors have also made it to America.
God help us all.
Reply
April 23rd, 2009 at 12:48 pm
NOOOOOO! I thought I had escaped them! I live just south of Seattle and I was hoping I had a couple years before they had infiltrated here! GAH! Now I must get hubby stationed in Alaska!
Reply
Minty reply on April 23rd, 2009 1:18 pm:
You do realize Alaska is being governed by the queen of the Muffia, right?
Reply
April 23rd, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Don’t worry, Minty et al! I’m sure Emperor Skippy will make a hunting season on the Muffiaso when he takes over after Z day. Skippites of the world unite!
Captcha: Godest equipage. Wow, I would like to see what that equipage looks like! It’s not just godly, it’s godEST!
Reply
April 23rd, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Come to Ft. We-got-you………….they are EVERYWHERE here………granted 1/2 of them don’t speak english.
The worst one I saw was a woman using the electric cart when she was 6 mths pregnant, claiming ‘oh the weight makes my feet swell when I walk to much.’ This is a response to the question ‘Ma’am might I trouble you for the cart’ poised by a friend of mine who had recently had his right leg amputated ablove the knee. She refused to give it up cause she was knocked up………
Damn mini-van massive-wenches
J
Reply
April 23rd, 2009 at 9:30 pm
I often wonder how some people even manage to get out of bed without causing great bodily harm to themselves. What’s even more frightening is that they’re reproducing at an incredible rate. And for the record, the Muffiaso probably originated here in California, Southern California, but California none the less. *sigh* Makes me hang my head in shame for my home state.
Reply
April 23rd, 2009 at 10:02 pm
wooooow… well here in the sticks of north dakota its still relatively safe… but sadely… oh so truely sadly they have invaded arkansas.
chicago crossing – what happens when a muffiaso crosses in front of YOUR moving vehichle.
Reply
ashley reply on April 26th, 2009 10:53 am:
oh look another person that watched hell freeze over this winter.. do you still have snow in your yard?
Reply
April 24th, 2009 at 4:50 am
Yes… it is me… That being said…
I live in St. Louis, and they haven’t just infiltrated here. It’s a full on invasion. Future stories soon.
captcha: contributions dolt – Well you don’t have to be insulting about it.
Reply
April 24th, 2009 at 8:12 am
HOLY SHIT ON A PANCAKE! Do you know they advertise now?!?!?!?! I was listening to the radio and I heard an ad for a “mom’s group” they called, (I shit you not) Momfia! IS NOTHING SACRED?!
Reply
Pheebs reply on April 25th, 2009 9:37 am:
Nope, they even have billboards here not just the innocent radio ads that you can turn away from. Beware.. They’re back.. and they’re more full of BS then they used to be. Midwest USA watch out.. Your town will be next.
Reply
April 25th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Being the cranky person I am, I like to park my childfree self in those godawfull ‘parent and child’ spaces……
I recommend it, just for the gleeful feeling it gives!
Reply
April 26th, 2009 at 7:28 am
Natural selection: too damn slow!
Reply
May 1st, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Worst thing I ever saw, and I’ll admit this is slightly off-topic, is some fool who parked their shiny new Lexus in front of the Wal-mart (and believe me, the irony is not lost on me). Not only did they park in one of those “mommy and child” spots, but they straddled the line to tie up a Handicapped spot as well! And no, they did not have a sticker or pass, I checked. All I could do was shake my head and wander down to the bus stop…
Captcha: scenting passenger. Perhaps a little too much perfume on the plane?
Reply
May 1st, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I like Natasha!
Captcha: Role bucolic Bucolic? WTF is Bucolic? is that where you get colic squirted on your face?
Reply
Minty reply on May 1st, 2009 3:15 pm:
Moose and Squirrel say Natasha is spy for Communist Russia.
Reply