Homicidal Tendancies
Having been in the military for quite a while I have heard some of the best “how I am going to kill you” lines out there. I am curious as to what some of yours are.
Some are cliche from some of our favorite movies:
I will gouge out your eyes and skull-fuck you to death.
I’m going to rip off your head and piss in your dead skull.
Some cover mass murder:
The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers.
Anything referring to My Lai
My personal favorites are:
I will murder you with the white hot rage of 1000 jealous OJ Simpsons.
I will beat you to death with a Nerf football.
I will stab you in the temple with a sharpened MRE spoon.
and my personal favorite:
There will be nothing left of you, but a strange smell in the trunk of my car.
What do you got?
March 31st, 2009 at 11:05 pm
“Imma shove that keyboard so far up your ass, you’re gonna taste it!”
March 31st, 2009 at 11:09 pm
I personaly like the skull fucking one. Just think how well that line works in HE-MAN.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:58 pm
“I’m gonna shove this crutch so far up your ass that you’ll be coughing up splinters!”
People really shouldn’t piss me off when I have a broken leg.
“…I could make a sword in the face look like an accident.”
–Mr. Blank from Sam & Fuzzy, comic 914, panel 5.
But MAN I really expected something for April fools day from you skip! And am I ever glad to be wrong.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:36 am
A conversation between me and a coworker about a decade ago:
Them: When i’m done with them, there won’t be enough left to do a DNA test.
Me: Can you DNA test a grease spot?
Them: Yes.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:38 am
From another movie
I will carve your heart out with a spoon.
I will beat you to ddeath with my weak hand.
April 1st, 2009 at 4:20 am
“I’m sending you to a better place soon. But between now and then, there will be pain.”
“Back the fuck off or I will disapear you!”
“I have a shotgun, a shovel, and 145 acres of the ass end of nowhere. Don’t test me.”
My favorite though, was about me but I only overheard at the lunch table. We were discussing eliminating a hated fellow student.
Student one: “Well, if we ever did kill we could just blame ‘stonewolf’.”
Student two: “No that would never work. If ‘stonewolf’ ever killed anyone they’d never find the body. And if they did, it would look like someone else did it.”
I’m reasonably sure that is a compliment.
April 1st, 2009 at 4:39 am
I’m a fan calmly saying “They will never find the body.”
April 1st, 2009 at 5:08 am
I’m gonna cut off your head and send it to your family in a popcorn bag
I’ll stick your ass in a woodchipper
April 1st, 2009 at 5:29 am
One simple phrase:
“Gator Alley, Your body”
April 1st, 2009 at 5:33 am
I heard a long one that disturbed me. I thank the FSM that it wasn’t directed at me.
One day, as you’re going about your normal day to day activities, someone will put a rag over your mouth. When you wake up, I will be busy jamming salt covered, lemon juice soaked and red hot needles under each and every one of your fingernails and toenails. There will be a boiling pan of oil nearby. I am going to skin you, flake by flake with a potato peeler, fry up the peelings, and make you eat them. It will be long and painful.
April 1st, 2009 at 5:34 am
A friend of mine worked in the egress shop (ejection seats for B52 bombers). His favorite parting comment was “Make sure you check your chair for wires in the morning”.
April 1st, 2009 at 5:35 am
Go ahead and run. I want you to die tired.
(Jokingly said by a friend who is former Marine Recon Scout Sniper)
April 1st, 2009 at 6:16 am
“. . .betray us, and I will fong you, until your insides are out, your outsides are in, your entrails will become your ex trails I will w-rip… all the p… ung. Pain, lots of pain. . .”
Though my personal favorite I got to hear every time I went out on a date,
Daddy:”If she’s not back in time, and in exactly the same condition as she left. . . ”
That was all he ever needed. :P
April 1st, 2009 at 6:19 am
“We can do this the easy way, or the really easy way.”
“Do you want me to send your parents or your wife your liver?”
April 1st, 2009 at 7:14 am
As an overprotective older brother, I told each and every one of my little sister’s significant others (including her now husband, my brother-in-law, who is by far the best of that bunch) the following:
I won’t kill you, but I’ll make you beg for it.
April 1st, 2009 at 7:52 am
Robot Chicken, He-Man to Skelletor:
“You know what you need? A good skull-fucking!”
“Wh-wh-what!”
April 1st, 2009 at 8:03 am
“I live where the Mafia hides THEIR bodies. You don’t think I picked up a few things growing up?”
April 1st, 2009 at 8:07 am
“I’m going to cut his heart out with a spoon.” The sheriff of Nottingham, Robin Hood 1992 (Kevin Costner version). See ref.
April 1st, 2009 at 8:08 am
Prospice tibi–ut Gallia, tu quoque in tres partes dividareis. (Watch out–you might end up divided into three parts, like Gaul (southern France).)
April 1st, 2009 at 8:47 am
I will rape your ears until my dick is covered with your brains, you miserable excuse for flesh!
April 1st, 2009 at 8:54 am
I got better, the song ex lover’s lover, by voltaire,
“what if I were to cut you up and mail each part to a different town, it would take the most brilliant private eye, the rest of his life just to put you together, a piece in each mailbox all over the planet from moscow to tokyo to guatalahara!”
as for me, I never have to say anything, I just tend to sing the above song and a song called “slaughter your world”,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcbazH6aE2g
I hope that gets through correctly.
April 1st, 2009 at 9:09 am
“things told by parents: if life gives you lemons, make lemondade.
“things learned from Sweeney Todd: If life gives you a**holes, make meat pies.”
April 1st, 2009 at 9:19 am
“By the five Furies, if I was not a gentle woman, I would have you flayed, and hung from a bracket at the door!”–Rome, S.1
Please take note of the following quotes; I think they prove I’m anything but a “gentle woman” ^.^
“The only way you’re ever going to see me naked is when I skin you alive and nail your worthless hide to my bedroom wall.”–Me to my then-boyfriend, about two seconds before we broke up.
“I’ll bury my foot so far up your ass you’ll be flossing with my shoelaces for a month.”
“You’re over-thinking this. All you do is take a common fireplace poker, aim for the head, and then let the rage flow.”
April 1st, 2009 at 9:21 am
“Why a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe, or a–”
“Because it’s dull, you twit. It’ll hurt more.”
April 1st, 2009 at 9:47 am
My middle school band teacher said this to a drummer: “If you don’t cut that out they’ll find your body somewhere in Mexico twenty years from now.”
April 1st, 2009 at 9:54 am
“I’m going to eviscerate you, then rape half of you. I’m going to leave Which half I rape up to your imagination.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:24 am
Captcha: locked gravely
What do you call someone who has been buried alive?
April 1st, 2009 at 10:41 am
Something I once said to someone who was really hacking me off:
“I’m goign to kill you slowly. Then when you are finally dead, i will take an old milk bottle with its rotten contents and trap your worthless soul inside it, then brick it up in a wall so you’ll rot in there.”
April 1st, 2009 at 11:04 am
“I will personally have you thrown out of the University, pursued to the rim of the world by the finest demons thaumaturgy can conjure up, torn into extremely small pieces, minced, turned into a mixture reminiscent of steak tartare, and turned out into a dog bowl.”
From Reaper Man, by Terry Pratchett.
April 1st, 2009 at 11:06 am
“All I’d need is the woodchipper.”
“And then the coroner will wonder ‘How exactly did he sit down on a claymore?'”
“Death by exlax IS possible. Have a cookie.”
April 1st, 2009 at 11:13 am
on the bright side, at least ‘student two’ knows better than to ever tick you off!
April 1st, 2009 at 11:17 am
I’ll save you the trouble. Your present is a giant, fuckin’ cannon, okay? And when we get back, you’re
gonna crawl into it, okay? I’m gonna put two pounds of gunpowder in there, I’m gonna light it up and I’m gonna shoot you right out into fuckin’ Jersey, okay? And then I’m gonna steal a car and drive to Jersey and pick up all the little fuckin’ pieces of your body, put ’em in a big plastic bag, bring it back to my house, put ’em in the fireplace, and light ’em on fire. I’m gonna sit there with a glass of whiskey and watch the Charlie Brown special with your ashes heatin’ my fuckin’ house!
April 1st, 2009 at 11:20 am
I don’t remember that one; what was the context?
April 1st, 2009 at 11:21 am
From me to a guy who just would NOT take no for an answer, and kept asking me out, and asking me out and….
The A**hole (and this was his actual idea of a first date): “We could spend the weekend in a puptent, and I’ll teach you how to gut a deer.”
My response: “I’d rather spend the weekend in the puptent with the deer, and gut you.”
April 1st, 2009 at 11:28 am
It was when the wizards were going after the mall-creature. The Dean kept saying “yo” and the Archchancellor ordered him to stop, on pain of this.
April 1st, 2009 at 11:34 am
A few of my faves:
I’m going to make your death so slow and painful it’ll make the Spanish Inquisition look like a mercy killing.
I’m going to unleash God-awful smackdown on your ass.
Do that again and they’ll be tracing you with chalk.
Do that again and I’ll rip out your spleen and present it to you.
hehe…I collect quotes, I have a ton of ’em.
captcha: Varnish of… varnish of what?
April 1st, 2009 at 11:35 am
Just thought of another one:
I’m going to knock your teeth so far down your throat you’ll be shitting molars for a week.
April 1st, 2009 at 11:38 am
Yet another one…
Would that still count if I smashed a man’s face into a hot stove, hold him down while he sizzles and crack him over the back with a barbed pole?
– Throw in a beaver and a bag of broken glass, and I think you’ve got yourself a felony!
April 1st, 2009 at 11:40 am
I always read the posts but never post. This is by far the best (and I loved the adoption one)- love LT Ronald. Can I just sit down and talk with him, maybe have a few beers?
April 1st, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Oh, yeah! I remembered Ridcully yelling at the Dean (when isn’t he?), just not the specific words.
April 1st, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Yeah. He was my roomate. We actually got along pretty well.
April 1st, 2009 at 12:22 pm
I don’t know who was over thinking what, but I love your solution!
April 1st, 2009 at 12:35 pm
That person would die of shock long before the feeding part.
April 1st, 2009 at 12:52 pm
My favorite: “If you do not stop that, right now, I will rip out your skull and beat you to death with it.”
April 1st, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I’m surprised no one’s listed the Penny Arcade one yet.
“Don’t say another Goddamn word. Up until now, I’ve been polite. If you say anything else – word one – I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one.
When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming – as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin. I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth.”
http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2006/04/10/
April 1st, 2009 at 1:24 pm
What about hitchikers guide to the galaxy, “you tell her, and i’ll pull your spleen out your throat.”
April 1st, 2009 at 1:27 pm
…My dad threatens to get out the shotgun. He says I’ll be walking out the door and he’ll come out with it. “Hey, here’s that shotgun you said you’ve never seen!”
April 1st, 2009 at 1:33 pm
In eighth grade, my personal favorite was, “Are you sure you want to do that again?” *glare* “You know I will kill you, right?” That usually got the munchkins to settle down.
Now, a simple threat of “OMG LAZER TONE IN UR EAR, MAN, IN UR EAR” gets people to stop whatever they’re doing. (Band thing, trumpets play loud, high notes that can sound pinched off like lasers, we call it a laser tone. Those things are LOUD.)
What’s sad is I collect random quotes but don’t have any for killing. *tear*
April 1st, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Fuck with me and I’ll show you the reason the rusty cheesegrater is the most dangerous thing on the planet.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I honestly can’t remember what exactly was going on other than myself and a college roomate were hanging out on the stoop and she was going off about someone, saying the typical “I’m gonna take a screwdriver and then I’m gonna do this and then this. . .” To which I, in a pleasant whiskey-induced glow, said the above, complete with “smooth sailing” hand gestures.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I’ve got a good few. Some are from Dilbert, some are from me.
I am gonna rip your leg off and beat you to death with it.
I assume that you don’t like your face the way it is, otherwise you wouldn’t be doing that.
Since I guess you are wondering, I do in fact do amputations, although long painful deaths are cheaper.
Stop that or so help me I will tear open your stomach, pull out your guts and strangle you to death with them.
Your (random body part) hurts? Well I know something that can take your mind off it. Give me your hand, now you’re going to feel a little pressure… (10 points to whoever can tell me what that is from)
I can kill you with anything in this room.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Another 10 points to whoever can name the book this comes from:
“I’d love do dig his heart out with a dull hairpin and feed it to a pig.”
And we can’t forget Skippy’s solution to the oil problem:
“Your deaths will be described as ‘spectacularly unfortunate.'”
April 1st, 2009 at 2:46 pm
“Sean: If you ever disrespect my wife again, I will end you. I will fucking end you. You got that, chief?”
Robin Williams as Sean in Good Will Hunting.
Absolutely one of my favorites… and I’ve used an abriged version (“If you fuck with me, I will end you.”) to great effect before.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:47 pm
That would be Major Payne. Now you tell me this: who should feel dirtier, you for asking, or me for answering?
Gah.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Damn, that was supposed to be a reply to Corp. Scurvy.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:51 pm
“Leonidas has a giant pit of doom; I have a stairwell. Do you want to get this over now or do you want to wait until the pit filled with flaming wolves is installed in a few days?”
“If ye dun’t ge’off mah propertah, Ah’m a’gunna tek dis haer shotguun, shuv et up yer ass, en’ unload fuer runds uf buck-shot in yer anoos!”
April 1st, 2009 at 3:29 pm
As an EOD tech, the most effective one I’ve found is: “What kind of car do you drive? Is it parked outside?”
April 1st, 2009 at 3:46 pm
If you don’t quit pissing me off, I’m going insert exposed copper wires from an extension cord into your skin, plug it in and watch the goddamn fireworks.
I was pleasantly reminded of when me and friends of mine would bandy about death threats. Good times.
April 1st, 2009 at 3:56 pm
I think I was hyper when I said this one “If you do not shut up I will come in the middle of the night with a knife and disembowel you”
April 1st, 2009 at 4:20 pm
dude its major payne easy
April 1st, 2009 at 5:03 pm
In my mind, simplicity is best. All you need is an evil glare and a handy-dandy friend to sight and say resignedly: “Oh no, not again. Try not to make th is one so messy.”
Also, is everyone forgeting the Princess Bride? How dare you.
“Westley: It won’t be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.
Prince Humperdinck: And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don’t mean to duplicate tonight.
Westley: I wasn’t finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.
Prince Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand let’s get on with it.
Westley: WRONG. Your ears you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, “Dear God! What is that thing,” will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. “
April 1st, 2009 at 5:27 pm
1. I’m gonna use your tongue to paint my boat.
2. Hey accidents happen, you might be walking down the street one day and you’ll trip and fall on an icepick 10, 11 or 12 times.
3. Be careful, you might fall down an open elevator shaft and land on some bullets.
4. You ever notice how there’s no correct way to land on a fire hydrant?
5. I’m gonna throw you down the upside of an escalator so you fall on jagged metal stairs for eternity.
6. I’m gonna give you coal for Christmas. It’s gonna be on fire and thrown into the bed you’re sleeping in along with some gasoline.
April 1st, 2009 at 5:28 pm
That “I’ll fong you” line, what movie is that from? It is so damn familiar but I can’t remember. For some reason, I’m thinking Firefly.
My favourite is the line my brother gave to both his daughter’s boyfriends.
“When you’re watching a movie or parked up somewhere secluded and things start to get a little hot and heavy I want you to remember something. Did you know that if you stab someone in the gut in the middle of winter outdoors, steam rises from the wound.”
The one I gave, in the same circumstance – “I want you to remember something, I own a shotgun and I’m not afraid of going back to gaol”.
And finally – “I won’t kill you. What would be the point? The lesson would be better learnt if I just cripple you. That way, every day you would remember what you did wrong.”
My nieces say that we cramp their social lives……Good >:-)
Captcha: still dreads – the current boyfriends when they hear I’m coming over.
April 1st, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Oh God! Repressed memories!
April 1st, 2009 at 6:27 pm
You keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
April 1st, 2009 at 6:28 pm
As a mother, my personal favorite is the old Bill Cosby line: “I can have another one who looks just like you!” (Followed, in my family, by pointing at the youngest daughter and saying “See, I’ve already got a spare!”)
April 1st, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Hey Paula! Remember me? Far out! What are you doing this weekend?
April 1st, 2009 at 6:54 pm
“I do not envy jail. I can dig a hole 6 feet deep, bury your rotting carcass in it, and be back before the Land Nav time has expired. You’ll be dead, I’ll be drinking a soda, they’ll never find you, and fuck it, we’ll all be happier.” – During an FTX in North Carolina
“I will beat you to death with this breaker bar and dump your body off the ship.” – While supercargo somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic
Captcha – Democratic Devore (interesting)
April 1st, 2009 at 7:46 pm
INCONCEIVABLE!
April 1st, 2009 at 7:57 pm
I’ll fong you comes from A Knight’s Tale starring Heath Ledger. Great fun, especially the medieval tournaments with Queen playing in the background…
captcha: lecture compete… okay- so what’s the prize?!
April 1st, 2009 at 8:28 pm
That’s right! The actor is the same one that plays the pilot in Firefly/Serenity. I KNEW there was a link.
April 1st, 2009 at 8:30 pm
doesn’t make sense with out the preceding line so:
James Bond: It won’t look like a suicide if you shoot me from over there.
Dr. Kaufman: I am a professor of forensic medicine. Believe me, Mr. Bond, I could shoot you from Stuttgart und still create ze proper effect.
April 1st, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Throw in a beaver and a bag of broken glass, and I think you’ve got yourself a felony…I can’t stop laughing…
April 1st, 2009 at 8:35 pm
I will stab you in the eye with a T-Handle (Allen key with a long ass pole)
April 1st, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Do you know why you dont mess with a bear cub in the woods?
Cause his Mama is not far behind.
I will rip out your still beating heart and eat it while you watch!
( some one was messing with my kid)
April 1st, 2009 at 9:29 pm
If you’re going there, then:
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Auric Goldfinger: No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die.
April 1st, 2009 at 9:55 pm
(said in a pleasant voice)
Let’s go sailing and get *chummy*.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Followed by Bill’s famous, “I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it.”
April 1st, 2009 at 10:15 pm
My mom’s favorite was “knock it off or I’ll rip off your arm and beat you to death with the bloody end of it. “ Man I miss her. Good times, good times.
A personal favorite, “Keep it up, I got a shovel and no one would miss you.”
April 1st, 2009 at 10:21 pm
“I’m going to eviscerate you and then rearrange your organs alphabetically.”
April 1st, 2009 at 11:09 pm
The first time I read that I thought it said “ravage your organs” I personally that would be a much better threat.
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:01 am
if you cap the cannon with a mesh of razor wire you could have briquete sized chunks that would be easier to use and give a better burn resulting in less ash and a more even temperature over the course of the evening.
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:12 am
If i had had daughters, my threat would have been” If you touch my daughter, I will castrate you with a cheese grater with out the benifit of anistethisa”
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:23 am
hey, that was MY mom’s favorite line! I wonder if she’s off with your mom, the pair of ’em comparing notes…..
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:26 am
(note to self: inventory sharp/pointy implements)
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:47 am
I wrote a 2500-word essay last summer for a forensic biology paper I was taking about how I would dispose of a dead body without getting caught. The professor’s marking response was “A little unsettling, but factually accurate and well written. 95%”.
One I’ve personally used to freshmen in the dorm I work in was “there’s eight flights of stairs in this place, I can push you down them on a Saturday night and everyone will think you were drunk and fell. Now do you REALLY want to get smart to me and try to steal my radio?”.
Other ones I like are:
– “I want to skullfuck you with a crowbar”.
– “When I’m done with you, the biggest piece they’ll find is a toe”
– “Are you planning on walking to your car alone tonight?”
and a variation on that one “Do you regularly park your car in a dark secluded area?”
Captcha – “STUMP excellent” – nice clean cut, this killer knew what he was doing.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:28 am
I have a few beers every night. If life ever brings you by FT. Indiantown Gap Pennsylvania shoot me an email, you can never have enough drinking buddies.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:02 am
Wait, you are at Ft. Gap? I did my National Guard duty there!
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:08 am
I run the Ammunition Supply Point here at the Gap. I’m a WO1 now, took a bust from Captain. Life is much better in the WO world.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:14 am
Since I work in an oil refinery right now
“I will process you and let your body run my truck. The only people who will complain are hippies trying to save the enviroment.”
“I love oil. It hides the bodies so well”
“Remember how castles would pour boiling oil on their enemy? I think we should do a re-enactment”
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:20 am
John Ringo likes Kipling. At the head of one of the chapters in When the Devil Dances he quotes (I found the CD online):
—Rudyard Kipling
“The Female of the Species” (1911) as quoted in Chapter 31, When the Devil Dances
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:03 am
(said after your a**hole boss leaves earshot)
“I swear if he yells at me again, i will slowly cover his body staples, leaving no skin showing, then slowly rip each one out with a rusty and broken fountain pen, then feed whats left of him through the fax machine to the Owner.”
captcha: expose after; maybe with a little salt and lemon juice…
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Dude…I collect random quotes too, and I have quite a few for killing.
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Back in my misspent youth, I made a threat at a party that made quite the impression. Some ignorant bloody fool announced, while drunk, that he was going to drive home, and get away with it, and I wasn’t about to let it happen. So I told him (loudly) to hand over his keys, and he laughed as he turned to leave.
I never thought, for a second, about what I was doing. I proceeded to arm-bar this idiot down a short flight of stairs; he landed face first at the bottom of the stairs, with my knee between his shoulder blades, and blood was dripping from his nose. Then I told him to hand over his keys, and made it clear that if he tried to get into his car, he would be found in a much larger pool of his own blood.
Idiot boy didn’t take it very well, and he started to make some threats of his own.
Bad Mistake.
I got up off of him, opened the door, and waited for him to get to his feet (none too quickly, mind you), and then drove him out the door, down 3 steps, and onto his back on the concrete walkway, and me kneeling on his chest. Then I made THE threat: “If you get in a car and drive off, I’ll find you. And when the nice policemen find what’s left of you, they’re all going to PUKE THEIR GUTS OUT!”
I pulled Idiot boy’s keys out of his trouser pocket and threw them up on the roof of the building. Turned around, and about 15 people are looking at me, and every single one of them are smiling and trying not to laugh. THEN I look at Idiot boy on his hands and knees, starting to retch loudly.
I remember asking for someone to call a taxi for Idiot boy and reaching for my wallet. One of the ladies present forbade me to pay, and loudly ordered everyone present to throw in a buck or two for the taxi. Then she turned to me and said, “That was so entertaining! and I thought your threat was awesome!”
(Exit Grayson, Stage left, feeling very confused and sober).
Turned out that Idiot boy smartened up a lot after that night. He made a habit of drinking much less, and also of keeping a $20 bill in reserve just for taxi fare. So did a few other people that saw my actions that night.
Remember these words, people: making threats is never a nice thing to do. In Canada, you can be charged, convicted, and put in jail for doing so. But where the law and I part is here – if you have to threaten someone to stop them from drinking and driving, DO IT. NOW. And then be prepared to back your words with action. INSTANTLY.
Lieutenant Ronald, I salute you for this amazing, awe inspiring, horriffyingly excellent post. And, a tip of my cap to all of you Skippyites (holy hot crap, there’s that word AGAIN!) contributing to this post.
May you never have to use any of these threats, ever. But IF you do, make them count!
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I have three daughters. I’m taking notes.
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Unholy bloodflies buttman. that was bloody BRILLIANT!!!!! And i concur, threats are a serious business. I never threaten for just anything, unless its OBVIOUSLY a joke. When I do give threats, most people tend to listen…could have something to do with that moron that tried to steal my laptop and ended up having to learn to write with his other hand….naaaah
captcha: neglect Easily; OKAY!
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:43 pm
guy at bar “I got paid today”
bartender “yeah, I know what thats like”
guy “No, you don’t understand, I got one of these” (shows pink slip)
bartender “yeah, I know what thats like”
guy “you know what I’d like to do?”
bartender “yeah, I know what you’d like to do, you’d like to find the guy who did it, rip his still-beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face, so he can see how black it is before he dies.”
guy “actually, I was thinking of filing a grievence with the union.”
bartender “well the worlds a twisted place…”
waynes world
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:20 pm
“I am going to reach down your throat and rip out your testicles.”
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:23 pm
I like this one!!!
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:25 pm
my daughter used to tell her dates “mama knows how to use a sword. very well.”
;)
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:15 am
“look out the window, you see all that sand and all those cacti? that would be a desert, we’re 500 miles from the nearest town, now ask yourself, do you really want to annoy me?”
Me and some friends were driving back to new mexico from california, when one of them decided to mess with me while I was driving.
April 3rd, 2009 at 4:25 am
Really pretty suprised this one got so many awesome responses.
Maybe i should make all my posts this short and sweet.
April 3rd, 2009 at 6:45 am
One of my favorite threats, which I am guilty of using:
“I’m going to drown you in your blood!”
April 3rd, 2009 at 7:36 am
the death I have planned for you would make Vlad Tepes start to cry and the Marquise de Sade blanch. run, run fast.
captcha:(47)ja bound just what the hell is that?
April 3rd, 2009 at 7:40 am
I got a new one, “I will kill you until you die to death”
April 3rd, 2009 at 7:42 am
I love you, you need to know that.
April 3rd, 2009 at 7:57 am
“The only way you’re ever going to see me naked is when I skin you alive and nail your worthless hide to my bedroom wall.” That sounds like something my GF may have said… (thankfully not to me) and she laughed when I quoted it to her and decided she liked you.
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:25 am
My dad used this one to great effect with a guy who kept coming to my house trying to get me to date him.
“Let me show you something boy, you see all these training certificates here on the wall? (dad had his pride wall with his airborne, ranger and some other random army training stuff) The army spent alot of time and money teaching me the right way to kill people. One of my greatest regrets is that I never really got to use that training.”
That boy left my house and never spoke to me again.
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:10 am
My brother-in-law used to like to wait in the living room with the boys who’d come to take out one of his three daughters. He’d sit there, friendly as all hell as they’d wait for the girls to come downstairs. Bro-in-law never threatened, never even gave the boys an evil glare: of course, he DID just happen to be cleaning his shotgun. And he said it helped to also have a box or two of ammo on the table.
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:42 am
So he’s the one Rodney Atkins wrote “Cleaning this Gun” about?
CCO
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:10 am
Good one! I may have to file that one away for future use.
CCO
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:10 am
Yeah, I heard that song and thought, ‘gee! bro-in-law never told me he knows a songwriter!’
ps- bro-in-law said he used to favor playing with a butterfly knife when the boys came over, but the shotgun cleaning was WAY more effective…..
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:15 am
Oh, it’s a crime in this state too. Particularly if you spray paint it on the person’s house like one of my former co-workers did.
April 3rd, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Now…Drop…Your…Sword!
Captcha: 07 Curran – Captcha knows the England squad by heart, you know.
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:20 pm
I’ve never posted her before, but had a great deal of fun reading this, and felt the need to add one more. Unfortunately I have to paraphrase since I don’t have the show in front of me:
“I’m going to rip out your spine and use it as a hat!”
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:25 pm
OOHH OH OH! I just thought of a good one from Leprechaun! “I’ll bite your ear off and make a boot out of it.”
April 4th, 2009 at 12:58 am
my fave
“To bad the took all my guns away, o well i still have my knifes.”
one my friend said to me
“I work on a deep sea fishing boat, and sharks like raw meat.”
another one i like
“Why use a gun. Knifes are so much more personal.”
April 4th, 2009 at 7:58 am
“Roses are red, Violets are blue, They’re going to need dental records, To identify you! xxx” – Best when written on a valentine’s card.
“Do that again and your chalk outline is going to cover the whole damn room.”
This is an awesome thread – we need to be violent more often.
April 4th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Along the same lines as the spoon me and few friends always had fun with “I will stab you with a rusty spork”
April 4th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Isn’t that from “Buffy”? I thought the phrase was the ribcage instead of the spine.
April 4th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Few of my favorites from different sources:
“I am going to slit your throat and fuck the wound.”
“I should split your nuts from your chin to the back of your ass.”
“why don’t you go slide down a razor blade into a vat of rubbing alcohol?
April 4th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Keep annoying me and I will cut you from asshole to appetite!
Captcha – Chisholm but…my friends call me John.
April 5th, 2009 at 3:21 am
two words, Pig Farm
April 5th, 2009 at 5:00 am
dirty lol
captcha hours letting…
April 5th, 2009 at 10:07 am
I always Like Eddie Murphey’s (I think) “I will knock the black off of you!”
Captcha: In Ewing – they ate Sir Robin’s minstrals….and there was great rejoicing!
April 5th, 2009 at 10:22 am
I have a scar just below my Adam’s apple from an accident when I was a teenager. Once while at a pawn shop outisde of Ft. Polk a buddy grabbed a Rambo knife and jokingly held it to my throat. I told him he’d better do a better job than the last guy and raised my chin so he could see the scar. I quietly told him the last guy spent a month in the hospital but he wouldn’t be that lucky. The knife hit the floor about a second later.
April 5th, 2009 at 11:53 am
I have a 20 year old daughter, a 17 year old daughter, and a 16 year old daughter. I always make sure to tell their boyfriends, “I know a pig farm and nobody will ever find the body”.
Works every time
April 5th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I will make you swallow razor wire, pull the end out of your ass, and floss you to death.
April 5th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Wouldn’t swallowing razor wire and having it pass all the way through your digestive tract kill you? Wouldn’t the body flossing just be redundant?
April 5th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
yeah it would but it would be fun
April 5th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
“Do that again and your chalk outline is going to cover the whole damn room.”
Out of the whole damn post and all the replies so far, (75 plus replies to replies and so on and so forth) this has got to be by far my absolute favorite
Captcha: to ignorant>>>the type of people these quotes are directed to.
April 6th, 2009 at 12:58 am
My boyfriend is 5 years older than me so the first time he took me on a date my mom had my dad dangle his military issue handcuffs on the arm of his chair and leave their case of plyers open on the table. He did give them credit for being original though.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:34 am
This entire post is epic. I’m going to have to save it for later use. Here’s a couple that popped in to my head:
(Sean K talking about a woman who he had some business doing tech support for) “Someday, late at night, when her family is asleep, I’m going to quietly slip into her house and kill her entire family at which point I will go downstairs and calmly sample her wine and admire the artwork… whilst her children seep.”
(One that slipped from my lips in the heat of a moment)”You know, people like you are why god invented piano wire.”
April 6th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Heehee, thanks. Please, take it out into the world and use it to great effect.
April 6th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
im going to stick razor wire up your ass, pull it out your mouth and floss you to death with it, all while playing the barbie girl song on full blast
April 6th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
I used this only once, to great effect:
I will string you up like a piñata, gut you like a fish, and meditate to the sound of your blood dripping on the hardwood floor.
April 6th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
The grinch, “if you so much as utter one syllable I will hunt you down and gut you like a fish! If you’d like to fax me, press the star key.”
April 7th, 2009 at 2:13 am
Nice one from Law & Order: UK last night.
(Harriet Walter to Jamie Bamber) “As a woman? Oh, as a woman I’d like to cut off his dick with a rusty hacksaw and shove it down his throat!”
captcha: PAINTED cooling-off – probably a good idea, under the circumstances.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:10 am
the fonging is from A Knight’s Tale
April 7th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
I Will Stab You In The Eye With A Hot French Fry. – Foamy the Squirrel.
I Will Cut Out Your Eyes And Rip Off your Balls Then Stuff Your Balls where you eyes where and your eyes in to your ball sack. – Dude from the Pick Of Destiny
and my fav which my mom used on my older brother all the time.
When Retroactive Abortions become Legal I will be first in line.
Captcha: “And Simply” the greatest thread
April 7th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
most likely. I was trying to remember from memory. Sadly I haven’t seen it in many years. It just happened to stick with me. I may have twisted it quite a bit…
April 7th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
“This doesn’t seem physically possible!” ~Red vs Blue
April 7th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
I LIKE that one!
April 7th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Do you have a copy of that essay? I’d love to read it.
The best thing I came up with was to dress them in old clothes and leave them in the middle of some big city. By the time anyone notices or cares, I’ll be long gone.
April 7th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
It was all about decomposition. I think I concluded that the best way to do it was to beat them post-mostem with a shovel, leaving wounds for flies and bacteria to congregate in, and then leave their body in a really warm humid secluded place. Like Florida, I guess.
April 7th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
“I have a sharp pencil and I’m not afraid to use it.” Generally, that’s not threatening death so much as pain; I still have some graphite embedded in my knee where I was stabbed by a teacher six years ago. However, when I’m REALLY mad at them, I make it clear that their eye socket gives relatively easy access to their brain.
“You know how many common plants are poisonous? I have easy access to three lethal varieties that I know off the top of my head, and can probably discover more if I care to look. Some day, when you’ve forgotten all about this, and especially who I am and what I look like, I will add an extra spice to your food.”
April 7th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
But do you still have a copy of it? It’s pretty hard to find that information in the school library.
April 7th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Does “I’m going to SHRED you!!!” count? How about, “I’m going to hit you everywhere that child had a bruise/injury, starting slowly/making sure you don’t slip into shock and die, then I will give you the same head injuries you gave that child, giving you an hour of pain for every minute (over an hour) you beat that child to death for!” will that work? That’s what I thought as I read about another brutal child murder recently, while gazing at the mugshot of the brute, anyways.
April 7th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
The second example above should also add: “And then I will kill you, as slowly and painfully as possible, being careful not to let you slip into shock or go numb.”
April 9th, 2009 at 8:47 am
“If anyone touches my books/computer/food/whatever I’m going to kill them quickly and painfully; quickly so I have time to run away before anyone figures out it was me.”
April 13th, 2009 at 6:08 am
“I kill you… I kill you til you’re DEAD! That’s worse…”
April 15th, 2009 at 11:23 am
my parents and I always used to tell my little brother he was only born for spare parts…in case something happened to me.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
My personal used killing phrase:
Im going to lock you in a small closet with an Epileptic person and a strobe light until he FLAILS you to death!
-SpaZzy-
April 16th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
I am going to castrate a horse in the middle of mating season and use his giant, throbbing, bloody member to make you stop talking.
April 19th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
I’m going to memorize your name and throw my head away.
I’m going to shove my boot so far up your ass the forensics team will be taking the treadmarks off the inside of your skull!
‘…Close your eyes, don’t let this face be the last thing that you see as the lord may hold it against you’ (Badly paraphrased, Smoking Aces)
I’m going to bury you in a grassy field and use your neck as a tee and your head as a golf ball!
Unfortunately for you, our society has been greatly desensitized to violence, and as such your death will not be widely reported.
Ever play the new GTA4? No? Wait here, I’ll go grab your car and demonstrate it to you…
Thats all folks!
April 20th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
The best use of this line was in “Blackbelt Jones”. A large black woman says to Scatman Crothers:
“Boy, I will slap the black off you!”
May 1st, 2009 at 12:22 pm
One of my favorites is:
“I’m going to rip out your rib-cage and use it as a hat!”
Or,
“I will strangle you to death with your own small intestines.”
And recently,
“I wish I had a belt on me, because you can never strangle someone with your hands as beautifully as you can with Italian leather.”
May 4th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Instead of a woodchipper, if you live on a farm just toss their ass in the silage pit. No one will ever find it. Trust me, a cow went missing for three years until the pit was moved and they found the skull.
May 4th, 2009 at 11:32 am
I knew a girl who got her tires slashed once. I did not like her much either, so I remarked, “Hey, at least they were stupid. If they were smart they’d have put thermite through your engine block.” She stopped bothering me after that.
May 4th, 2009 at 11:34 am
My mother used to tell me when I was sick or injured “Oh die quietly!”
May 4th, 2009 at 11:36 am
I am firmly convinced, regardless of other factors and normal behavior, that the most dangerious creature on earth is an enraged mother when you mess with her kids.
May 4th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Great, now my sides hurt.
May 4th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
I love the retroactive abortion one. I’ve used it myself once.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
One of my favs is, “I’m gonna rip your arm off, and beat you to death with the bloody end of it!”
June 1st, 2009 at 8:41 am
I love The Ref. It’s on my x-mass movie must watch list.
June 1st, 2009 at 8:43 am
Why the HELL didn’t this go in the right spot? It was supposed to go under the cannon/Charlie Brown quote.
June 1st, 2009 at 9:43 am
I told my DH before we were married that:
I didn’t believe in divorce. I knew enough botany to kill him quick, and enough good ole’ southern cooking to kill him slow. I would keep all his stuff, not just take half, thankyouverymuch.
Now eat your wild green salad, your chicken fried steak and STFU!
June 26th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Back, years ago, when I was still in school, I told another student that if he Ever touched my (4 of 5 classes) computer (in the best comp lab on campus) again, I would rip his lungs out so that he could see his dying breaths. For the next year until I graduated, he actively _protected_ that spot for me.
July 13th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
thats it, your ass is haunted.
-Pvt Church
July 13th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
i do not remember what exactly prompted this response from my girlfriend but
“I WILL SHAKE YOU!”
my friend was terrified because it might actually happen.
i used this in high school
“i will strap you down, force feed you a 2 liter of coke and shove a king size of mentos and watch you explode.”
July 15th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Haven’t had my family threaten any boys yet, but a friend of mine did tell one recently “you know how bad we (my friends, most of which he knows fairly well) will f*** you up if you hurt her right?”
Boy: yeah
Friend: good, now if her family catches wind of it you’ll be wishing to be thrown to us *creepy smile*
captcha: blankest mall – did anyone else think of dawn of the dead?
July 19th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
I have no guilt, nor reservations, nor inhibitions that will prevent me from slowly taking your life. In fact, the pure pleasure of seeing the light fade from your eyes, the color drain from your skin, the ultimate collapse of your chest should be drawn out. Thus, here is your descision: how would you like to die? By paper or plastic?
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Something I hear recently:
God created the backhand for bitches like you!
Another one:
It’s amazing what one can do with twelve rolls of duct tape and no sanity whatsoever.
yet another:
Keep it up you bastard and I’ll rip your kneecaps off!
captcha: weisber surprise…the name of the technique used to rip ones kneecaps off.
August 25th, 2009 at 8:38 am
How about these:
“We can do this the easy way, or the FUN way.”
“I will rip off your head and show it to you. I leave it up to you to imagine how THAT will work without a mirror.”
September 4th, 2009 at 3:48 am
This one is from a song and it kicks ass
“There’s something about you, meaning everything you do,that makes me wanna grab you by the throat and cut through.”
This is one i just came up with
“F**k guns and knives, i’m gonna bash your skull in with a rock until your brains cover the roof”
and this
“Bullets just seem so… well… overdone… so i think i will mix things up by turning your chest into pulp with the butt of my luger.”
September 14th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I’ve had a couple of good ones aimed at me for various reasons, in varying degrees of seriousness:
“I will smack the flavor out of your mouth.” <– Friend of mine in college
"I will throw you out that second story window, then jump out that window so I can land on you and hit you again." <– Some folks had very short tempers (and evidently a lot of idle time) in the Medical Hold flight at Basic Training. (my response to this was to laugh, it was funny even as serious as he looked about it)
A friend of mine was fond of jokingly threatening to Refenestrate me (throw me in through a window) so he could Defenestrate me (throw me out of a window).
Captcha: Afghans cut (you if you do anything to my sister…)
September 14th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
You don’t happen to know about a bunch of Johns Hopkins cadets planning to spend the weekend up there in October, do you?
October 16th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
“Shut that bitch up before I over there and fuck start her head”
Way of the Gun.
Not the best movie but one of the best lines ever.
From a friend of mine
“I will fuck you up with a rake”
March 12th, 2010 at 7:41 pm
I like to be all nice about my threats, so while smiling sweetly, I’ve become particularly fond of this on.
“How about you open that mouth one more time. Or how about I chloroform you and when you wake up, you’ll be chained by large hooks up to your bathroom. I’ll make sure that you stay awake long enough for you to feel you skin slowly stretching and ripping. When I’m finished up there, I will chop you up slowly, bake you into cookies, and send them to your family. What do ya think about that, huh?”
I love it!
March 12th, 2010 at 7:47 pm
::snickers:: nice. Here’s something I said to a particularly large pain in my ass once: “If you don’t leave me the HELL alone I swear to God I will castrate you with your own teeth, use your scrotum as a change purse and your nuts as a hackey sack!” Needless to say, he left me alone.
captcha: Yeps Are…yeps are particularly violent today.
March 13th, 2010 at 8:23 am
I bet he did!
My captcha is Dustyman Flamingo
???
September 30th, 2010 at 1:40 pm
Tell me your name so i can tell everyone i know to stay away from you and never piss you off
March 12th, 2013 at 9:19 pm
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September 3rd, 2013 at 2:23 am
chanel ???
March 1st, 2014 at 11:47 am
If you make my daughter cry, my fist is going to be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it’s gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring!
Whatever you’re thinking, you’d better think again! Otherwise I’m gonna have to head down there and I will rain down in a Godly fucking firestorm upon you! You’re gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I’m talking about a scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!
I’ve found SO many of those for when I have a child. Thank you all!
March 1st, 2014 at 12:04 pm
Another couple are:
I have access to an M1 Abrams Main Battle Tank. What route do you take to work again?
OR
You see that thing covered by a tarp in my garage? That is my personal Sherman. If you hurt him/her, make him/her cry, etc, I will use your body as grease for the treads.
Even better:
Son, I am a Civil War reenactor. So you know what that is? No? That means I have access to black powder, field artillery, antique rifles, cutlasses, and one foot long bayonettes. If they find your body, they will pity you for having crossed me.
And finally,
Son, I work for the railroad. I have access to several tons of locomotive. Do you really want to tick me off?
March 24th, 2017 at 5:03 pm
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