The Cool Things Always Happen After I Move
So according to the news a few weeks ago there was a zombie outbreak in Texas.
Which was followed a little while later by a velociraptor attack in Illinois.
I will now explain how this is the worst possible combination of things that could happen.
When the Texans flee the zombies, they will probably head North. After all, it’s currently cold in the North, and zombies don’t produce any body heat. Which means that given cold enough weather zombies will freeze solid. And so there will be a mass exodus heading North, with a mob of the living dead in pursuit.
Meanwhile in Illinois the velociraptors will make short work of the population up there. You see, up in the Prairie State they have some of the most restrictive gun laws in the country. And when man-hungry monsters start ripping their way through your neighborhood, you probably want something a little stronger than pepper spray. Plus their state flower is the native violet. And as everybody knows, the native violet is the wussiest plant in the Violaceae family. Illinoisan might as well wrap themselves in bacon and soak in a nice marinade, they’re finished.
Seriously. Get a real state flower you pussies.
But once they finish off the Land of Lincoln, what are all of the raptors going to do? They’re going to go South. Because dinosaurs don’t like the cold. I’m pretty sure that was on Animal Planet.
So then what happens next?
The velociraptors run into the zombies. Okay, well first they run into the Texas refugees, who being Texans are way better armed than the people of Illinois. Plus their state flower is the Bluebell. Which as you will all no doubt agree, is exactly the sort of kick-ass manly flower you need to rally behind when fighting Jurassic carnivores. They’ll be putting up a pretty good defense when the zombies will catch up and outflank them.
Once they Texans have been finished off you will have a large area empty of humans, and full of both zombies and velociraptors. Since velociraptors are alive, the zombies will try to eat them. Unlike people, raptors don’t have guns, and will thus be forced to defend themselves with melee combat. And I’m sure all of you can guess what happens when raptors go close quarters battle against the living dead.
That’s right, you get zombie-raptors.
When a normal person turns into a zombie they move much slower than normal. Well do you know what happens when a velociraptor moves much slower? You get a dinosaur that can shamble faster than you could run on your best day. Plus humanity’s main defense against zombies is our ability to lock them out of our homes. As we have all learned from the Jurassic Park movies, raptors can open doors.
Basically you get every problem that you have with these newfangled fast running zombies, plus problem-solving abilities and a built in scything claw.
Game over man.
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February 13th, 2009 at 12:57 am
I saw this on the news awhile ago and was waiting to see how long it would take for you to comment on it. You have failed to let me down once again Skippy. Thank you.
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February 13th, 2009 at 1:56 am
It seems there’s a lot of it going around:
http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/news/queensland/warning-zombies-ahead/2009/02/03/1233423199154.html
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February 13th, 2009 at 4:30 am
i think raptors when they become zombies will lose (like humans) the cognitive ability to open doors.
I dont see why they should be immune to this defect of zombism.
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Sequoia reply on February 13th, 2009 12:52 pm:
They’re raptors. That’s why they are immune.
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February 13th, 2009 at 4:54 am
See, this is why I have a zombie plan. I do not, however, have a raptor plan. I should probably make one. I should probably also make a raptor-zombie plan.
Oh, and… I lost the game because of you, Skippy.
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Random reply on February 13th, 2009 11:31 am:
My zombie plan IS my raptor plan and my general oh-shit-what-happened-tocivlization plan. The only significant difference when fighting raptors: Theoretically, having large amounts of unsweetened Concord grape juice on hand should help. (It’s a known repellent to all birds, and guess where their common ancestry lies.)
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February 13th, 2009 at 5:03 am
damnit i lost the game…. someone one WoW told me about a game its rly quite strange, try it :P
Rules:
1. You are playing the game.
2. If you remember you are playing the game you have lost.
3. When you lose the game you must say so.
think thats all :P
I keep suddenly remembering im playing and instantly lose :(
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Bryan reply on February 14th, 2009 3:21 am:
Screw you man, I was doing really good until you mentioned the game.
Anyway, we play by these rules.
1. You have 45 minutes to forget about the game.
2. If at any point after said 45 min. you’ve lost the game.
3. If you lose the game, you must state that you’ve lost the game.
It really pisses people off when you lose the game and there’s about 9-10 other people in the same room.
CAPTCHA – ic-sounding corps….I’m not even going to ask.
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Andrew reply on February 16th, 2009 4:51 am:
i lost again – your fault with your reply! :p
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Phantom reply on February 16th, 2009 5:09 pm:
Not the way high schoolers play it!! We have only fifteen minutes to forget the game. Really made me mad today, made my friend lose the game before lunch, the bell rang… and he made me lose.
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oneluckyduck reply on January 24th, 2011 8:17 pm:
Pssh, forgeting? *insert insult of choice*
Our new thing in physics is being sneaky (loose thug aim) or, even better, associating things with The Game. Anytime my teacher mentions Justin Beiber my classmate looses (No Justin Beiber comments, please).
It went like The Game->tree stump.
Tree stump->beavers
Beavers->Beiber…
;)
Captcha: Campy Wailises
God, those Wailises were so campy, it was horrible to watc- Oh, I just lost The Game…
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February 13th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Problem-Zombie Raptors
Solution-Saturation bombing with HE follwed by area bombing with 1kTon or less nuclear ordinance.
Probable Result-No Zombie Raptors and Texas is a glass parkinglot instead of an asphalt parkinglot.
Possible Result-Radioactive Zombie Raptors.
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Dorkus reply on February 13th, 2009 10:04 am:
Yeah, I’m not sure I like my homeland turned into a glass parking lot (maybe oklahoma or arkansas).
In addition to all of our guns, we also tend to make sure our trucks have their grill guards. If we can hit a deer at 60 mph and not sustain any damage, those zombies don’t stand a chance.
On another note, I loved the fact that after the sign was hacked city workers were unable to override the hack.
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StoneWolf reply on February 13th, 2009 3:51 pm:
I see the beginnings of a sport here. “And now, the 2012 Zombie Rally! Our reigning champion John Smith, last year netting 212 rifle kills and 563 truck kills, will sing the Anthem….”
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February 13th, 2009 at 5:45 am
That sign doesn’t say Velociraptors it says Raptors. So keep in mind that real Velociraptors are not the size of the Raptors in Jurassic Park they are the size of turkeys. Utahraptors on the other hand ARE the size of the Raptors in Jurassic Park and hell they are named after Utah so you know they lived in this part of the world.
The reason they didn’t use Utahraptors in Jurassic Park is because they were discovered in 1991 and the Jurassic Park book was written in 1990 and I’m guessing that they weren’t well enough known at the time of making the movie to use them, or they liked the name Velociraptors better.
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tsukinofaerii reply on February 13th, 2009 6:21 am:
Wait wait wait. Are you saying we might be dealing with *Mormon* zombie-raptors? D:
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Stickfodder reply on February 13th, 2009 6:31 am:
Quite possibly yes.
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Bane reply on February 13th, 2009 8:57 am:
*shudder*
paula reply on February 13th, 2009 10:08 am:
I’m now picturing pairs of angry undead missionary raptors in high-buttoned white shirts and black pants riding on bicycles. They’ll politely knock on your door and ask if you’ve read the Book of Mormon before they rip you to pieces…..
captcha: namely 473-5953: what’s that, the number for the local church?!?
February 13th, 2009 at 6:14 am
Reading this just made my whole morning quite possibly because my iced coffe snarfs a little easier than hot coffee does.
What about stairs? Surely raptor leaping would be retarded after a little decay and they just aren;t the type to take the elevator, right?
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February 13th, 2009 at 6:39 am
It will be OK, the massive asteroid headed for Earth will kill both the Raptors and Zombies. A few humans should survive in remote areas like Alaska and Australia.
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February 13th, 2009 at 7:28 am
For the Christopher Moore readers out there – so will zombie raptors be able to put together pre-fab furniture? I mean if they can open doors then popping together an IKEA desk should be a cinch.
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Courtney reply on February 13th, 2009 9:59 pm:
“Brains first, then Swedish furniture!” “Brains and Swedish furniture!”
Now that’s a rallying cry.
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February 13th, 2009 at 8:30 am
Wait a moment, why would the texans run from the zombies like wimps when they have half the worlds arsenal of shotguns, which, most people will note, is one of the best/most common anti-zombie weapon, and by the time the raptors finish off the people of illonois, the texans will have plenty of time to build an electric fence over the state, thus saving themselvs from the raptors. And if all else fails, somebody should bring semtex to our good friends the nuke silos in the land in between the raptors and zombies.
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Luke reply on February 13th, 2009 11:29 am:
The only problem is that its Texas… they would build the fence on the border with Mexico
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Strange reply on February 13th, 2009 10:46 pm:
Also all the rednecks from Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, and Georgia will be able to flank them. The only bad thing is most of them will have Bow and Arrow’s wich I think will do little harm to prey, I mean zombie raptors friends.
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Pericles reply on February 14th, 2009 10:58 pm:
Didn’t you see what happened in Dawn of the Dead or whatever zombie flick in that series the people are protected by an electric fence? It didn’t work. Also they developed an uncannily spooky ability to walk under/through rivers and other bodies of water.
__________________________________________________
my anti-zombie plan involves making sure there’s a clause in my will to cremate my body. I ain’t joining no zombie clan. My anti-raptor plan is to make puzzle doors that you solve to get to the fingerprint scanner. Also auto-scanning turrets mounted around the perimeter of my houses and surrounding my driveway. Preferably my house will be a virtual fortress but I doubt it so I’ll try for a Tremors type house with a cement basement and armor and weaponry room(filled with shotguns, ammo, and swords)
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Billy reply on February 15th, 2009 10:34 am:
I think you’re forgetting, the fence did work, it was the unelectrified one that let them in. That was the one that they all knocked down.
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February 13th, 2009 at 9:20 am
lol it could be worse Skippy you could have the special infected zombies from Left4Dead :P no one could survive the waves of zombies with Tanks, Smokers, Hunters and Boomers in thier ranks.
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Stickfodder reply on February 13th, 2009 9:44 am:
Pff have you played left 4 dead? We would do fine. Now Mormon zombie-raptors? We’d be screwed.
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Sequoia reply on February 13th, 2009 12:56 pm:
Mormon zombie-raptor tank.
Captcha: Rough Numerous-creepily appropriate.
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Stickfodder reply on February 13th, 2009 3:38 pm:
Oh as if it wasn’t bad enough already. But then again wouldn’t that just be a T-Rex?
Sequoia reply on February 13th, 2009 4:17 pm:
No, a Mormon-zombie-raptor-tanks sight isn’t motion based, and is only twice the size of a raptor, not ten stories.
captcha: b5,275,000 heads: So many heads they had to invent a number ‘b’ to represent it.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Problem is that infected will die (being normal humans) in the cold…
True zombies, animated by unspeakable black magic will thaw in the spring and continue to destroy all they come in contact with…
(also, you’ll note, if you’ve ever openned a door yourself… humans can open doors, zombies can’t… so I doubt zombie raptors retain that ability)
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Anonymous and STILL Employed reply on February 13th, 2009 11:26 am:
Just make a quick call to New Orleans, get some witch doctor dude to come and sort them out and then set rednecks on the raptors. We’ll all have dinoskin boots before the day is out.
Or we could ask the vampires to help. Or Satan, he probably owes the western world a few favours.
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February 13th, 2009 at 9:53 am
the only things worse than zombies created by black magic are zombies created by black magic with the awaken undead spell cast on them to make them smart :P
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February 13th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Illinois might not be such a bad place for people to avoid raptors–violets’ aroma knocks out the sense of smell for a bit. That might be able to help when evading predators. A little.
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February 13th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
I think we’re forgetting about something that is very important in Texas.
Ft. Hood
and TANKS.
So for every raptor or 20 zombies blown up, you paint a sillouhette on the gun.
But everyone knows military vehicles are best used to “Squish” things, right?
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Podmunki reply on February 13th, 2009 3:19 pm:
And right between Texas and Illinois is another installation….Leavenworth. The dumping ground of those too antisocial even for the Military.
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Dave in NC reply on February 13th, 2009 3:41 pm:
Talk of prisons brought this to my mind.
Who would win in a fight/feast?
Zombie horde or Hannibal Lector?
They’re both after the same thing after all.
captcha: Florida Heat On – but only if it dips below 80.
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February 13th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Simple defense, repeatedly playing Slim Whitman’s “Indian Love Call”. If it can stop martian invaders, then zombie-mormon-utahraptors will be a snap.
What I truly fear is if those zombie-mormon-utahraptors infect telemarketers. Then we’ll never escape those calls at 2 in the morning where they ask us about “braaaaiiiiiinssssssss”.
Captcha: Harahan income – where I lost my savings when the market tanked
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paula reply on February 14th, 2009 5:34 pm:
Slim Whitman and the ‘Indian Love Call’?!? That’s so evil it might just get you sued by the Mormon-Zombie-Utahraptor Anti-defamation Society!
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February 13th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
I just realized that there is one upside to zombie-mormon-utahraptors. There is absolutely no way a human can survive being attacked by them so we won’t need to worry about a resurgence in the human zombies.
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February 13th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
great now i have to go about redesigning my zombie resistant compounds to include zombie raptors in defensive structures great thing here is one cav unit and three air units nearby and enough cross trained tankers that zombie raptors would be grease on the tread and target practice for the flyboys not to mention the artillery men
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Stickfodder reply on February 13th, 2009 6:51 pm:
Yes I think that we all need to ad some addendum to our zombie plans.
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February 13th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Let’s hope they don’t wander off course and get to California or Oregon.
The vegan zombie
Craves not sweet gray matter
They cry out for graaaaaaaaiinsss…
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February 13th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
They are almost to Texas. I’m in Arkansas and there is one asleep in the next room. Its name is “Spouse”. Not sure why it hasn’t eaten the boy and I yet. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
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February 14th, 2009 at 1:16 am
First time commenting here, first off let me say your all crazy. So naturally I feel right at home! Secondly I’m just glad to be in the great white north and I’d love to pull out the M777 for a Morman-Raptor-Zombie hunt. As long as I’m out at least 18km
Captcha: OOO widow-Zombie Widow!
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February 14th, 2009 at 4:06 am
All I have to say is
CAUTION
ZOMBIE RAPTORS AHEAD
Do I have too much time on my hands?
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Stickfodder reply on February 14th, 2009 5:46 am:
It’s happening! I really need to get a life.
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February 14th, 2009 at 5:40 am
luckily i’ve planned for dinosaur as well as zombie invasion. so any invasion, or a combined effort of the 2 will be quickly thwarted. jurrasic park scared me as a child, i had been planning since.
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February 14th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
For those of you who wish to break the law and make your own signs the password, nine times out of ten, is “dots”. Factory pre-set. Happy signing.
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ben reply on March 9th, 2009 8:36 am:
that’s funny somebody in omaha just did that to a sign last nite. The newspaper said they got the idea from a “website”. I immediatly thought of this. Haha
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February 15th, 2009 at 1:59 am
For the last ten years ive had a running zombie-scenario plan. After my brain finally finished digesting the idea of morman-zombie-raptors, I really only have one addendum: Barrett M82A1. I mean really, a .50 BMG DU round would be sure to take out even the thickist skinned dinosaur. Especially after the decay of becoming the undead…as for being morman…….not sure even depleted uranium can solve that problem.
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February 15th, 2009 at 7:50 am
aquiring that weapon would be difficult. chances are normal weapons, and a high ground vantage point will do better than a 50 cal sniper rifle.
the main thing with zombie scenarios is weapon/ammo/food/water/vantage point. and the ability to read the signs of oncoming armaggeddon.
Captcha: Heds Marksman. appropriate. 1 shot kill
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February 15th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
The Texas State State flower is the Bluebonnet not the Bluebell. Anyway Texans wouldn’t flee from the Zombies we’d hole in our homes with shotguns and shoot anything that drools and/or limps.
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paula reply on February 15th, 2009 2:56 pm:
you’d shoot my Uncle Charlie?!?
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Stickfodder reply on February 15th, 2009 4:05 pm:
That would do nothing to help the myth that you execute the retarded.
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An Almighty Texan reply on February 15th, 2009 6:01 pm:
What myth? We really do.
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February 16th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Just FYI – the “raptors ahead” sign was in central Indiana, not Illinois. There was a hacked sign over in the Land of Lincoln, but the picture above is from the Hoosier state, with out plentiful guns and homicidal rednecks. Open the season on raptors and they would be dead pretty quickly.
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February 16th, 2009 at 8:05 am
*with OUR not OUT. We have lots of guns and rednecks. Myself included.
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February 19th, 2009 at 4:32 am
The above poster is correct in the password on the signs being “DOTS”. In all likelihood, the crew will not have changed it. However if they did, never fear. Hold “Control” and “Shift” and while holding, enter “DIPY”. This will reset the sign and reset the password to “DOTS” in the process.
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April 9th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
I am on Hawaii so I think I am relatively safe for now.
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