It’s Monday
New List time.
(Submitted by Martin Doyle)
1) The gloves are for food preparation, not for challenging people to duels.
2) Even if they insulted your honor.
3) Especially if they’re the ones keeping you employed
4) No vaulting the front counter. The door is there for a reason.
5) Even if it looks really cool.
6) Even if you scored a number from it.
7) If you think it would be fun to drop in the fryer, then you’re not allowed to drop it in the fryer.
8) Pallets left over from delivery of stock are not picnic tables.
9) Nor are the boxes from delivery there for you to practice Parkour.
10) Even if the security footage of said practice is impressive
11) The freezer is not your office
12) Nor is it a great spot to jump out at people from
13) Especially in a hockey mask
14) Not allowed to bring hockey masks to work anymore
15) Not allowed to wear pirate hats to work anymore
16) Not allowed to wear eye patches to work anymore
17) Tell your doctor to stop writing false medical certificates just so you can wear an eye patch at work
18) No climbing on top of the shelves of the store room
19) Even if the box you needed was in an impossible spot to reach without climbing
20) If you think it’ll be fun to climb on, you’re not allowed to climb on it
21) Making the trainee workers cry is not what you were hired for
22) Not allowed to ask customers for smokes
23) Especially underage customers
24) No, we will not program a button that charges people $5 every time they annoy you
25) You are advised that deliberately forgetting the shortcuts to make meals cheaper for customers who annoy you is frowned upon
26) Even if they have it coming
27) Even if it does boost sales
28) Not allowed to refer to such acts as the ‘stupid tax’
29) You are not a ‘Ninja in Training’ so hiding in ceiling vents and jumping out at people is not allowed
30) The condiment gun is there to make preparing burgers easier, not for target practice
31) Even if you have a 98% accuracy rating
32) Not allowed to question the intelligence of people who need a bunch of teenagers to tell them how to form 3 distinct lines
33) Even if they’re twice your age and should know by now
34) Not allowed to pretend you cannot speak English
35) Not allowed to refer to yourself as ‘The Pity Hire’
36) Telling customers that they’re in line for a Darwin award is unacceptable
37) Even if you are probably right
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December 22nd, 2008 at 3:47 am
I’ve done 7 – my best moment was frying the ingredients for a Big Mac separately (incl Mac Sauce and onions) then making a sloppy oily burger from them.
Oh, and I “accidentally” dropped a hated manager’s keys in there too.
To add: 38) Not allowed to swear at customers in drive through
39) Not even if they started it
40) Unless the manager heard them start it, in which case go nuts.
41) Ketchup packets are not for throwing at co-workers
42) No damnit, BBQ sauce packets aren’t ok either, now go and clean that up.
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Chila reply on December 22nd, 2008 4:45 pm:
OMG, do i work with you?!?!!?! we’ve had an employee drop a mangers keys into the fryers once. that night didnt go to well…
and i always throw kechup packets at co-workers and at cras that are parked in the parking lot…
CAPTCHA: whoever forth…whoever forth what??
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Squid Vicious reply on December 23rd, 2008 12:17 am:
Fortunately no, I got out of McD’s ages ago, after a year and a half of pure misery, with my sanity in tatters, and my cholesterol higher than a crackhead who just won the lottery
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December 22nd, 2008 at 5:30 am
43) Not allowed to enter the customers order with the flair of playing a grand piano.
44) Not allowed to imitate Bethovens 5th while taking a customers order.
45) You much share the customers, even if fully 3/4 of them only com to the store because they like ordering from you.
46) Not allowed to be better at making fries, and keeping them perfect on the first day you work the fries.
47) A rule of my own making – Do not let anyone else touch the frying baskets when you are working the fries, as you will likely suffer horrible burns. (Mine was a third degree oil burn)
48) Not allowed to practice for Benihana when working the burger friers.
49) Not allowed to sharpen the knives and walk around grinning evilly while checked the edges with your thumb.
50) Not allowed to hit on the customers
51) Even if you are only kidding around
52) Even if it is only the older ladies
54) Unless of course it makes them buy more, then hit on em all you want.
I’m probably forgetting a few…
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December 22nd, 2008 at 5:36 am
Ah! Remembered some!
55) Not allowed to confuse new hires by walking in, ordering a triple-quarter pounder with extra cheese, no mayo, extra mustard, lite ketchup, no onions and leaf lettuce… then stare at them as they try to fumble their way through.
56) Not allowed to humiliate said hires by them patiently explaining how to place the order without looking at their screen, then tack on “Oh yeah, I want a medium fry and Biggest drink you have, at a discount of course.”
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December 22nd, 2008 at 5:39 am
1) No, deep fried fingers are not a new menu item.
2) The mic is for announcing order numbers, not to tell coworkers what you think of them
3) Or customers.
4) When large customers inform you that they are on a diet and then proceed to order 10 deep fried items and a ‘diet’ coke, you may not ask them “Exactly what are you trying to lose here? Your dignity?”
5) Pointing and laughing at customers that spill things on themselves or run into the edge of the counter is not acceptable.
6) Especially if that customer is also the squadron commander.
7) Not allowed to put whatever I want on a plate and call it a meal.
8) Not allowed to inform customers what my true opinion of the food is anymore.
9) Not even if they ask for it
10) Not allowed to announce over the mic “More than two is playing with it” even if your coworker has been in the bathroom for half an hour.
11) Not allowed to have more than 5 cups of coffee in a 2 hour period ever again.
12) The mic is not for “open mic night”. Stop singing into it.
13) Not allowed to announce all the numbers in German, Spanish, or French. Just because I speak those languages, it doesn’t mean anyone else does.
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December 22nd, 2008 at 10:19 am
ROFLMAO! I have a semi-real Job but I am tempted to get a bs part-time weekend job at McDonalds just to do Crazy shyt and see how far I can go.
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Wes reply on January 6th, 2009 2:30 pm:
So glad I’m not the only one :D.
At my first real job, I wouldnt have been surprised to see some of these happen. My manager was fond of getting on the PA into the warehouse and paging “Michael Jackson to the Boy’s Department”
Captcha: Mongoose democracy – Gotta figure out who’s alpha somehow.
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December 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 am
You guys would fit in at Culvers.
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December 22nd, 2008 at 11:43 am
Just two from my days (and both of them weren’t me, though I certainly laughed!):
– Not allowed to wear nothing but the uniform apron and rock back and forth, flipping the bottom part up casually, on your last day of work [not me, I swear!]
– Not allowed to hang out in the ice cabinet and hand customers bags of ice whenever they open the door. They will call the police on the manager.
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December 22nd, 2008 at 11:55 am
1) not allowed to do transactions with my eyes closed.
2) even if it is to prove to the new hires it’s not hard.
3) not allowed to correct the manager when talking about the number of sales.
4) not allowed to tell what kind of card the customer is using by what the number is.
5) not allowed to punch in the barcode numbers without looking at them
6) even if the are the right numbers.
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December 22nd, 2008 at 11:57 am
The overnight janitor is not allowed to wash his clothes in the dishwasher and go to sleep on the counter in his underwear while they dry.
Not allowed to impersonate the Little Ceaser’s guy and yell “Delivery, Delivery” every time you put a finished order up. The same goes for Yelling “Pizza Pizza ” everytime you make a pizza.
Do not yell “Cry Havoc! and let loose the dogs of War!” whenever you make a hot dog.
Do not threaten to defenestrate customers, even if they have no idea what it means.
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Andrew reply on December 23rd, 2008 12:39 pm:
Oh I do love a good Defenstration!… But if this is a fast food place how do you properly defenstrate a person… I mean, it’s kinda pointless in your average fast food place.
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Tzanti reply on December 24th, 2008 3:52 am:
Shame really, since your average fast food customer is about the right density to cleanly take out the plate glass window.
captcha: annual ballroom – what? Skippy’s on Strictly Come Dancing?
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Blue reply on December 24th, 2008 9:17 pm:
And this is why I love Skippy’s List… People here actually know what defenestrate means.
M578jockey reply on December 27th, 2008 7:55 am:
Actually, we had an attic with a dormer window so we could technically defenestrate someone, although they would have to land on their head in order to do any damage. The again that would have probably just cracked the sidewalk. The good part about defenestration was that outside of one other cook, no one had the first clue what I was talking about.
Captcha: the points – is that few people outside of Skippy’s Blog understand a good defenestration!
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Jim A reply on December 29th, 2008 7:07 am:
Which brings up: Not allowed to use the word “defenestrate” in a police report.
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December 22nd, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Rules when I worked at Burger King…..
(Numbers 6 and 9 were not done by me)
1.)Quality Control is not what I’m paid for
2.)Even if I do improve quality
3.)Making food for “Personnel Use” is frowned upon
4.)Even if I share
5.)Sharing is caring is not Burger King policy
6.)Two week lunch breaks are perfectly acceptable
7.)Going to 7-11 while working is not acceptable
8.)Unless the manager needs cigarettes
9.)Peeing in the dumpster will get you fired
10.)Never
Again
Volunteer
Yourself
11.)Volunteering often ends in weeding poison ivy without gloves, cleaning out the old fryer they left by the dumpster since spring in august, hosing the drive thru lane, mopping, and staying until 2a.m.
12.)salting the manager’s water does not help the manager like you.
13.)I’m not allowed to write messages on the wrapper describing what I did to their food because they sent it back 12 times.
14.)The broiler is not a toaster and buns shouldn’t travel through it.
15.)Hockey is not a good way to clean up
16.)Telling new hires to “wash the grease” is not permitted
17.)Especially if they were told to use water then degreaser
18.)Throwing ice in the fryer is not the response to a customer who complains that there fries are too hot.
19.)The customer is right no matter how stupid and wrong they are.
20.)Small children are not to be taught dirty phrases in foriegn languages.
21.)Especially if the manager taught them to me first
22.)Even more so if I pestered her to teach me dirty phrases for a week
23.)I should not fake an accent while on headset so they are offended by my manager’s legitimate accent.
24.)Burger King is not in a jihad with Mcdonalds.
25.)Even so I shouldn’t go there to eat in uniform
26.)Nor should I tell customers that I don’t trust the food
27.)Especially if its true.
28.)I shouldn’t voice my opinion of the two restaurant loudly in the store
29.)There are no polar bears in the freezer.
30.)I shouldn’t arm myself to face them
31.)I can’t punish stupid coworker’s by giving them a timeout in the freezer.
32.)My coworker banging on the door is not a rabid polar bear so I shouldn’t beat the first thing out of the door with a broom
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December 22nd, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Laughing waaaaaay too hard for an old man my age!!!
Captcha – Distress Lejaren…OK, but only after she signs a prenup!
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December 22nd, 2008 at 3:37 pm
I have a few more..
14) Not allowed to ask customers what kind of stupid they are.
15) Not even when it is a person who has called 12 times in the past hour to ask if we sell steak. (Fast food= steak and potatoes apparently)
16) Not allowed to refer to customers as “that jack##s that ordered the pancakes”. Even though you can’t see them, they can still hear you.
17) Make sure the mic is off before you go into a long, very descriptive story about your last bedroom encounter.
18) Answering the phone while singing in German is generally frowned on.
19) Telling the customer that keeps calling for steak that they are some new form of idiot that you haven’t encountered yet is not acceptable
20) We do not serve cat food, and I should stop refering to the corned beef hash as cat food to customers.
21) Ash is no longer allowed to handle sharp objects.
22) Ash can no longer answer the phone.
23) It is a bad idea to scream hysterically and climb onto the counter when you see a mouse. Especially if there are customers in front of you.
24) Just because there is a mouse in the building, you still have to come to work.
25) Even though it is damn funny, putting a huge fake spider in the supervisor’s office that can move with a remote is no longer allowed. (Side note, my boss screams like a girl when he sees a spider)
26) Ash is banned from answering the phone ever again.
A side note on 14,15, and 19. I actually had the phone taken out of my hand when I said that. Thought the vein in my boss’s head was going to explode.
That woman called back 3 more times after that, still demanding that we make her a steak. Then her husband called.. It was a long day. I did try to explain the first 10 times that she called that the closest we get to steak and potatoes is hamburgers and fries. She didn’t listen.
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CCO reply on December 23rd, 2008 10:34 pm:
When I worked at Domino’s, I had this one customer that I wanted to tell to please hang up and call xxx-7272, which spells PAPA on the telephone and is the number for Papa Johns.
Captcha: “Thousands pr” Say what?
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December 22nd, 2008 at 4:06 pm
1) Not allowed to glue gliter or sequins to frag grenades and call them Disco Balls of Death.
2) Must not paint practice grenades gold with shiny rocks for rubies and reenact the Holy Hand Grenade of Anteock.
3) Doing lines of mortar propellant is not “A good pick me up” for working nightshift.
4) Making a tu-tu out of pink packing foam and bubble wrap and pretending to be the Safety Fairy while dancing to “Like a Virgin” is frowmed upon by LT and SFC but no one else.
5) You may not turn in your M16 for a AT 4 or Frag grenade as you asigned weapon.
6) Jesus is not PFC Bells groung guide.
7) The platoon motto is “We supply the boom” not “We supply the booze” or “We supply the f&^* y#! “.
8) You are not allowed to build a outdoor bar with your roommate using LT’s flatracks even if your NCO’s say yes.
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December 22nd, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Two more just added today:
38) We don’t care how you did it, but never again can you lock the music to ‘U Can’t Touch This’ for 7 continuous hours.
39) When the Area Manager is visiting, you cannot offer to perform a lap dance for him in order to gain promotion. The rest of us had to work for our promotions, and so do you
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paula reply on December 23rd, 2008 5:28 am:
I dunno: depending on the manager, that lap dance just might count as hard labor!
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December 23rd, 2008 at 6:23 am
I’ve worked for a few major corporations wearing the paper hat.
40. When ordered to ‘do something’ with the dead squirrel in the parking lot, not allowed to cover it in ice cream and put it on the manager’s desk.
41. Not allowed to shoot it out in the grill area with the mac sauce gun when the other guy shoots at me with the tartar sauce gun.
42. When the manager won’t do anything about the racoons in the dumpster, I’m not allowed to cover my arm in ketchup and run into the store screaming, “I’ve been bit!”
43. Not allowed to offer bets on how long the people will stay parked waiting on their drive-thru special order food.
44. Not allowed to alert the other guys about the babes in the drive-thru.
45. Not allowed to comment about overweight women buying diet cokes and assorted fat filled foods.
46. Not allowed to point out that an old woman’s tongue is darting out like a snake’s in eager anticipation of her food.
47. Not allowed to auction off left over food in the parking lot after we’ve closed.
48. Not allowed to put BBQ sauce in the manager’s coke.
49. No salt either.
50. In fact, just stay away from his drink from now on.
51. When taking over the shift from the general manager and looking at the pile of undone paperwork, not allowed to say, “Just what did you do today?”
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December 23rd, 2008 at 12:57 pm
57) Not allowed to perform any scene from “Dirty Dancing” while mopping the floor.
58) Not allowed to sing and dance while mopping the floor, even if the customers liked it and applauded.
59) When it is school support night, not allowed to “race” other associates for sales. Especially since if the other associate has problems reading english.
60) Not allowed to carefully stack a tower of BBQ packets, ketchup packets, or any other kinda of packets.
61) Not allowed to yell at other associates for knocking over said tower.
62) Not allowed to imitate crying because said tower was knocked over.
63) Not allowed to pitch ketchup packets to customers asking for some. Especially if they are halfway across the room.
64) Even if they are MLB catchers.
65) Not allowed to scream “Oh my god! I love [insert name]!!!!” when your company mascot comes walking in the door.
66) Not allowed to cry when the mascot leaves.
67) Definately not allowed to throw BBQ packets across the parking lot. Even if the guy caught them all.
68) When the store owner walks in not allowed to whisper loudly to the GM “Quick! Look busy!” then run and hide.
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December 30th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
I wish I had worked at any number of these places. I was promptly fired for owning a sense of humor. And the bosses daughter DID tell me to write the joke down for her…it’s not my fault she left it where her mother would find it.
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February 27th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
I worked at a gigantic used bookstore (and yes I do mean gigantic, over 100 000 titles in the store and more in storage) and we had no inventory catalog, so after being there for 2.5 years I had a fairly good idea of where things were and could generally find a book for someone with very little info, however;
I am not allowed to laugh at someone who tells me “Well it has a blue cover”.
I may not be snippy with customers who ask for help because they are too lazy to climb the ladder, even guys who are only asking so they can look at my bum as I climb.
I may not set up a rubber band target where customers might get hit, even irritating ones.
And I may not laugh at customers who make stupid mistakes and refuse to admit it.
Story behind the last one being, this lady calls and asks me, do we have a copy of Les Miserables by Charles Dickens. Umm, well no in fact we don’t Charles Dickens didn’t write les mis, are you looking for A Tale of Two Cities? No! I want les miserables by CHARLES DICKENS, he did write it! No I’m pretty sure that was Victor Hugo, the book was written in french and Dickens was english. I have it in front of me here, it was hugo. Well if you’re going to be rude, I just won’t shop there!
Oh and I may not grin mockingly when the customer asks to speak to the manager, because I’m just a girl, before admitting I am the manager, even if it does make me very happy:( sigh.
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