Pharmacy List
Blah blah it’s Monday, blah blah, new list, blah generic smart-assed comment.
(Submitted by Chooses to Remain Nameless)
The “PHARMACY LIST”
1) When making a service call, I may not refer to the Un-interruptible Power Source as the “Zed-PM.” It confuses the tech support staff.
2) I also can’t call it the “Power Battery.”
3) Even though we ARE haunted (I just can’t prove it), I am not authorized to contract with local psychics to exorcise our computer-haunting ghost(s)…
4) When there is talk of “trouble-shooting” some equipment, it does NOT involve 9mm, or any live ammo for that matter.
5) Talking to the computers will not make them go faster.
6) Beating on them only makes them go faster sometimes.
7) Even if you’re using something dull like a counting spatula, playing that “game” where you spread your hand and try to stab the table in between your fingers? It still hurts if you miss….
8) I may not play “frisbee” with the dozens of leftover birth control compacts from the Health Department’s stock (they usually give out a year’s supply at a time, and patients don’t want all 12 compacts)
9) If a printer is scheduled to be replaced, I may not take it home with me the night before and use it for target-practice.
10) I may not swear in Chinese (even made-up Chinese) when faced with a stressful situation.
11) Doing the Ric Flair strut and yelling “WOOOOO!” after fixing an insurance rejection may only be done sparingly!
12) “Tuning up the band” (See Shawn Michaels, the WWE Wrestler) BEFORE fixing an insurance rejection – ditto.
13) When someone says “I have a strange question”, the answer “That’s OK, I’m a strange PERSON!” is best reserved for people you know.
14) Even if I DO hear sirens in the distance, I may not rip open my shirt Superman-style and jump out the drive-thru window to save the day.
15) A bonfire out back is NOT an acceptable way to destroy old pharmacy records.
16) I may not use “dry ice” to chill my drinks, especially when I’m at Drop-Off waiting on a customer!
17) I may not play “lazer tag” with the telexon unit.
18) I MAY use the telexon to practice proper trigger-finger placement, but it annoys my coworkers when I do so while humming the James Bond theme.
19) I may not roll heavy boxes of labels from the storage area, downstairs to the stockroom, when the stairs have OTHER things on them.
20) …Even if I yell “PLINKO!” when I do it.
21) I may not follow the lead of Dr. Hawkeye Pierce and drink my beverage of choice from the graduated cylinders.
22) When mixing 2 ointments into a compound, I may NOT borrow my boss’ electric mixer he uses on his protein shakes.
23) I am NOT Doctor Cox…
24) I may not refer to the new hires as “newbie,” “Barbie,” or other nicknames.
25) New hires are not “fresh meat”.
26) “Abandon all hope ye who enter” is NOT an acceptable way to greet staff coming in for a new shift.
27) Neither is “run while you can!”.
28) Even though we REALLY want new flat-screen monitors, I may not gain access to the roof and “accidentally” drop all of the old monitors off of there….
29) Grunting “over there” and pointing in the general direction of a shelf with 200 different bottles on it is NOT a helpful enough answer when a new tech asks me where a medicine is located.
30) In the event of a catastrophic plumbing emergency like a large water pipe bursting, humming the “Mario Brothers” theme while trying to find a red or green cap should NOT be my first priority.
31) Carrying a samurai sword on your back and threatening to invoke Islamic law (IE, chop someone’s hands off) is not the most politically-correct way to deter shoplifting.
32) When a helium balloon gets loose and is stuck on the ceiling, there are better ways of dealing with it than trying to pop it by “shooting” the cap of an oral syringe at it.
33) Goose-stepping, doing the Nazi salute, and ranting in faux German is not an appropriate way to try to explain how “Loss Prevention” works, when newbies ask.
34) ESPECIALLY when LP due for a visit at any moment…
35) I may not answer the doctor’s line by pretending to chew a carrot and saying, “Ehhhh…what’s up, Doc?”
36) Or by breaking out into Bugs Bunny’s “What’s up Doc?” song.
37) I may not jury rig a cell phone jammer and deploy it in the store (ESPECIALLY at the drive-thru). Because SOMEONE’S gonna be the first person the FCC brings charges against for doing it…
38) Large chef’s hats are not in the dress code – even if I only wear it when I’m adding FlavoRx to a medicine.
39) I may not falsely claim Scottish ancestry in order to get away with wearing a kilt at work.
40) If handed a bill I suspect is counterfeit, I need to use the currency-checking pen on it. NOT pretend to examine it by going over it with my electronic Sonic Screwdriver toy.
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August 25th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Clearly, they need a spare currency-checking pen, another sonic screwdriver toy, and a little too much spare time to put the two together.
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Von Krieger reply on August 25th, 2008 5:25 pm:
Currency checking pens don ‘t actually do much of anything. They change color in the presence of corn starch, which is ‘supposedky’ used in counterfitting bills, but actually never is.
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Stickfodder reply on August 26th, 2008 4:09 am:
Actually I have one and it changes color on normal wood pulp paper which most counterfeit is printed on and it stays invisible on real money which is a linen\cotton based paper
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August 25th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
DUDE! That sonic screwdriver toy is friggin’ awesome. I always leave phone messages in the UV ink and hide the black-light attachment. Much fun is had by all. “All,” in this case, meaning me.
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August 25th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Looking at bills with the sonic screwdriver might not be too bad. If it’s UV, real bills don’t glow as readily as standard paper, and they have that security strip in them which glows under black light.
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August 25th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Is number 10 a Firefly reference?
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Kade Silverwind reply on January 29th, 2009 8:01 pm:
more than likely yes
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August 25th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Must… Get… Sonic… Screwdriver…
Captcha: Railway 4808 – All aboard the Loony Express!
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August 25th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
31) Carrying a samurai sword on your back and threatening to invoke Islamic law (IE, chop someone’s hands off) is not the most politically-correct way to deter shoplifting.
i have to say i disagree with that workign in a retail store myself i think threatening shoplifters with dismemberment is a wonderful way to deter them. ;)
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August 25th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
I love that number eight got rendered as a sunglasses smiley. God love BB code.
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August 25th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
how do you rig a cell phone jammer
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August 25th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
I think this is the first thing off this site I can share with family and not have them look at me funny–my father’s a pharmacist, and I bet he’ll have a lot of fun with this…
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August 26th, 2008 at 3:30 am
26) “Abandon all hope ye who enter” is NOT an acceptable way to greet staff coming in for a new shift.
I cracked reading that. The same line appears in Fable.
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Raven Prometheus reply on August 26th, 2008 4:06 am:
Interesting that you only mention the pop-culture reference to something that is deeply seated in real culture. It originally came from Dante’s “Divine Comedy.” I think it was in “Inferno.”
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Will reply on August 26th, 2008 4:26 am:
Whoa, talk about a trip into memory lane. I haven’t delt with any of Dante’s stuff since high-school english. Hated the school-work, though the actual lititure itself was somewhat interesting. I might 21, but that makes me feel a little old now…
No-wonder why I got that Deja Vu sensation when I saw that line in Fable.
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Morrogoth reply on August 26th, 2008 9:42 pm:
um dude,
it was the inscription above the gates of hell in Dantes Inferno. yeah very nostalgic.
bondy annual, a james bond con (captcha)
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August 26th, 2008 at 4:12 am
LOL man, as a pharmacy tech myself, I have done number 11.
41. May not beat customers for insane and or impossible requests, demands and double billing.
42. May not tell customers that the pharmacy is not a vending machine and they are required to wait like everyone else.
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August 26th, 2008 at 6:05 am
Per Minty’s Dad, as remembered from his hospital pharmacy days:
43. Not allowed to refer to drugs by “cute” names within patients’ hearing (e.g. “Amphoterrible” for Ampotericin; “Arsenic & Antifreeze” for Melarsoprol).
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August 26th, 2008 at 6:59 am
Number one is a Stargate Atlantis ref, right?
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August 26th, 2008 at 8:31 am
@Sera,
Yeah, it is a Stargate Atlantis ref,
If I have ever have to do tech support, and someone calls in with a battery problem, I will totally use the ZPM thing.
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October 2nd, 2008 at 5:42 am
whenever someone starts to piss me off, i always get the urge to shine the telexon laserinfrared thingy in their eyes
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October 4th, 2008 at 9:52 am
my wife is pharm billing director im sure she will find this horribly funny and probably be able to add a few to the list
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March 21st, 2011 at 12:54 am
The Scrubs references are my favorite.
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