Blah blah it’s Monday, blah blah, new list, blah generic smart-assed comment.
(Submitted by Chooses to Remain Nameless)
The “PHARMACY LIST”
1) When making a service call, I may not refer to the Un-interruptible Power Source as the “Zed-PM.” It confuses the tech support staff.
2) I also can’t call it the “Power Battery.”
3) Even though we ARE haunted (I just can’t prove it), I am not authorized to contract with local psychics to exorcise our computer-haunting ghost(s)…
4) When there is talk of “trouble-shooting” some equipment, it does NOT involve 9mm, or any live ammo for that matter.
5) Talking to the computers will not make them go faster.
6) Beating on them only makes them go faster sometimes.
7) Even if you’re using something dull like a counting spatula, playing that “game” where you spread your hand and try to stab the table in between your fingers? It still hurts if you miss….
8) I may not play “frisbee” with the dozens of leftover birth control compacts from the Health Department’s stock (they usually give out a year’s supply at a time, and patients don’t want all 12 compacts)
9) If a printer is scheduled to be replaced, I may not take it home with me the night before and use it for target-practice.
10) I may not swear in Chinese (even made-up Chinese) when faced with a stressful situation.
11) Doing the Ric Flair strut and yelling “WOOOOO!” after fixing an insurance rejection may only be done sparingly!
12) “Tuning up the band” (See Shawn Michaels, the WWE Wrestler) BEFORE fixing an insurance rejection – ditto.
13) When someone says “I have a strange question”, the answer “That’s OK, I’m a strange PERSON!” is best reserved for people you know.
14) Even if I DO hear sirens in the distance, I may not rip open my shirt Superman-style and jump out the drive-thru window to save the day.
15) A bonfire out back is NOT an acceptable way to destroy old pharmacy records.
16) I may not use “dry ice” to chill my drinks, especially when I’m at Drop-Off waiting on a customer!
17) I may not play “lazer tag” with the telexon unit.
18) I MAY use the telexon to practice proper trigger-finger placement, but it annoys my coworkers when I do so while humming the James Bond theme.
19) I may not roll heavy boxes of labels from the storage area, downstairs to the stockroom, when the stairs have OTHER things on them.
20) …Even if I yell “PLINKO!” when I do it.
21) I may not follow the lead of Dr. Hawkeye Pierce and drink my beverage of choice from the graduated cylinders.
22) When mixing 2 ointments into a compound, I may NOT borrow my boss’ electric mixer he uses on his protein shakes.
23) I am NOT Doctor Cox…
24) I may not refer to the new hires as “newbie,” “Barbie,” or other nicknames.
25) New hires are not “fresh meat”.
26) “Abandon all hope ye who enter” is NOT an acceptable way to greet staff coming in for a new shift.
27) Neither is “run while you can!”.
28) Even though we REALLY want new flat-screen monitors, I may not gain access to the roof and “accidentally” drop all of the old monitors off of there….
29) Grunting “over there” and pointing in the general direction of a shelf with 200 different bottles on it is NOT a helpful enough answer when a new tech asks me where a medicine is located.
30) In the event of a catastrophic plumbing emergency like a large water pipe bursting, humming the “Mario Brothers” theme while trying to find a red or green cap should NOT be my first priority.
31) Carrying a samurai sword on your back and threatening to invoke Islamic law (IE, chop someone’s hands off) is not the most politically-correct way to deter shoplifting.
32) When a helium balloon gets loose and is stuck on the ceiling, there are better ways of dealing with it than trying to pop it by “shooting” the cap of an oral syringe at it.
33) Goose-stepping, doing the Nazi salute, and ranting in faux German is not an appropriate way to try to explain how “Loss Prevention” works, when newbies ask.
34) ESPECIALLY when LP due for a visit at any moment…
35) I may not answer the doctor’s line by pretending to chew a carrot and saying, “Ehhhh…what’s up, Doc?”
36) Or by breaking out into Bugs Bunny’s “What’s up Doc?” song.
37) I may not jury rig a cell phone jammer and deploy it in the store (ESPECIALLY at the drive-thru). Because SOMEONE’S gonna be the first person the FCC brings charges against for doing it…
38) Large chef’s hats are not in the dress code – even if I only wear it when I’m adding FlavoRx to a medicine.
39) I may not falsely claim Scottish ancestry in order to get away with wearing a kilt at work.
40) If handed a bill I suspect is counterfeit, I need to use the currency-checking pen on it. NOT pretend to examine it by going over it with my electronic Sonic Screwdriver toy.
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