Archive for July, 2008

Since the last IT was so popular, and because I got sent more, here’s another bunch of things that IT personnel should probably not do. If this keeps up I’ll have to add a whole new category for these.

(Submitted by Andrew McColl)

• Must not conceal prawns in the bosses office pot plant.
• Shouldn’t tell the Exec Dean that I think the boss is off playing golf.
• Not a good idea to commit the entire unit to a new project whilst pretending to be the boss at the Tech-Contacts Christmas lunch, even if he would.
• Shouldn’t move all of my Colleagues office furniture 2 inches to the left whilst they’re on leave.
• Then blame the cleaners for it.
• Should not paint the office of colleagues a soothing shade of pink whilst they’re away.
• I should not sell office furniture that is the property of the university, even if I am a graduate.
• Throwing equipment down the stairs because it “Shits Me” is not an acceptable support policy.
• Nor is throwing staff members down the stairs because they are old and irritating.
• Nor is throwing colleagues down the stairs because they are whiney bitches.
• If I’m going to have a fridge in my office I must clean it, at least once.
• Using Ratsak to prevent the post grads from stealing my milk is not permitted.
• Calling the Vice Chancellor “Dazza” probably isn’t a good idea.
• Nuding up and then climbing Winthrop Tower with a Deer rifle would be considered bad form.
• As is releasing crocodiles in the Japanese reflecting pond, even baby ones.
• Super-gluing the bosses office door lock will not stop him coming to work.
• Taking all but one of the screws out of the bosses desk is funny, but dangerous.
• Downloading porn using the bosses IP address will probably get me fired.
• Telling my office mates girlfriend about his casual bonk isn’t a great idea.
• Asking for a pay rise because I’m the only one that does “any fucking work ’round here” doesn’t show team spirit.
• Asking the Dean what she does around here may be a “career defining moment”.
• Selling the Tertiary Entrance Italian exam for 50 bucks a pop will probably get me sent to jail.
• Trolling the Students accounts for Porn may not be a breach of their terms of use but its still inappropriate.
• Especially if I keep the porn.
• Asking students to “prove it” when they say they’ll do anything if I’ll help them is not appropriate.
• Nor is dropping the Windows 95 Install CDs down a lift shaft, no matter how shit it is.
• Dropping PCs in puddles, even accidentally, is not a great idea.
• Submitting a letter of resignation on the bosses behalf will probably get me fired. Unless I can stop HR calling him for four weeks.
• Taking unattended baggage onto Riley oval and shooting it just in case it’s a bomb is not university policy.
• Suggesting that “greasing my palm” will get things done quicker is not appropriate.
• Nor is pointing out that six-packs are the way to my heart especially after taking 4 days to get to the job.
• Mapping the Organization Free zones within the Faculty probably isn’t a great idea.
• Putting stones inside the boss’s hubcaps could be very amusing until it became a career defining moment.
• Explaining to the Marketing Officer the role of marketing people according to the Dilbertverse is tactless.
• As is suggesting to the Executive Officer that they “Sit over there and look decorative” whilst I fix their computer.
• Suggesting that Admin. Staff should know how to use a computer before being hired is not in keeping with the Universities diversity policy.
• Probably shouldn’t call the Chair of the Academic Board “our Den”.
• Suggesting that clients call me back “when they have a clue” is not appropriate.
• Placing a Paypal logo on my email will get me fired. I am apparently already well paid.
• Screaming “You go to hell, you go to hell and you die” at colleagues may not be seen as amusing.
• Using the trouble ticket system to assign all the Nigerian email spam to the Lab Supervisor won’t win me any friends.
• Sharpening the edge of my Logitech cordless keyboard and using it to behead the male peacock will get me in trouble with the RSPCA, the Faculty and no doubt other fucking tree hugging hippy freaks.
• Throwing staff members down the stairs would not serve as an example to others.
• Announcing “Word” after everything the boss says won’t endear me to him.
• Having an empty wine rack in my office, as a hint, is not appropriate.
• Asking if someone has kept the box that their computer came in is never the right response.
• Claiming I’m too drunk to come and fix someone’s computer will not lead to a long term career path.
• As will claiming “I’m too hung over to care”.
• As will suggesting they find someone who “Gives a Fuck.”
• A “Free Coke” bottle cap does not entitle me take my free coke from the entrails of a vending machine, with a fire axe.
• Throwing empty stubbies at people as they walk past my office door is not appropriate, especially before the sun is over the yard arm.
• Using my computer trolley as a skateboard is a breach of Worksafe WA policy.
• “Kill everyone in the room.” Is an unfortunate turn of phrase to use when instructing casual staff / work experience kids.
• Encouraging students to help me tilt the vending machines to obtain “Free Stuff” is not acceptable behavior for UWA staff members.
• Nor is dropping vending machines on students, even the really irritating ones.
• Ripping the hard drive from a laptop and then announcing that it will “trouble you no more” Zen Master style probably won’t generate a lot of repeat business.
• Leaving shopping trolleys in the boss’s office is bloody funny. But wrong.
• Being seriously hung over on a Tuesday is not in keeping with the UWA Staff ethos. Even if I was drinking to try and forget the previous Monday.
• I am not allowed to barricade myself into my office. Even if the rest of the unit has already done so in theirs.
• Playing Bullshit Bingo in the Monday morning meeting, whilst amusing and team spirit building will not endear me to the boss.
• Kicking other IT staff in the testicles until they bring back my Nortons CD may not be prudent.
• Shouldn’t greet new staff with, “Welcome to the meat-grinder, Cherry.”
• I should not try to persuade my colleagues to kill our supervisor because we have an “Outbreak Scenario”
• Asking my colleague when he’s going to do some work this year is not conducive to good workplace relations.
• Nor is telling my customers that I don’t know anything about PCs and advising that they’ll have to speak to the aforementioned colleague.
• Apparently its wrong to tell Central Office that they’re paying a shit load for me and that they shouldn’t waste my time.

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Claymation Zombies!

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In the dawn of time, order back when T-Rex ruled the Earth and Custer was a private, medic the young cadet was on field maneuvers. Not being blessed with the keen vision expected of an aspiring Air Force officer, arthritis the young man wore glasses of approximately the thickness and refraction index of Coke bottles. Not the ridiculous new little plastic bottles, light of weight and clear of surface, no, these were of the one liter glass-bottles-as-God-intended-Coke-to-be-shipped, indestructible in and of themselves but…alas, the frames, not so much.

The young cadet was marching his little flight back to the barracks when through the haze of myopia a car, a car painted an odd shade normally referred to as “Air Force” blue, approached the formation at a high rate of speed. The cadet asked, sotto voce, of his stalwart element leads if this was, perchance, a staff car but received no answer from the traitorous band. The car screeched to a halt in a shower of gravel, accompanied by the smell of hot asbestos (this was a long time ago).

From behind the wheel lurched a giant of a man, dour of demeanor, frothing of mouth, shiny insignia gleaming from his collar, to corner the young cadet in a shower of spit and ear-splitting decibel of comment. Parentage was discussed, probable relation (however anatomically impossible) to various farm animals postulated, and finally, a demand for accounting for the terrible (perhaps mortal) sin of failing to salute the staff car. A large staff car, painted Air Force blue, no less, that only a blind man could miss!

To which the young cadet, still without a word, pulled the broken halves of his glasses from his pocket and silently presented them to the officer.

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There was a chill in the air as the soldiers of the 876^th EN BN loaded up for their logistical ground assault convoy. The weather here in Iraq had dipped down from the 140 degrees that most soldiers experienced when they had first arrived, medic to a frosty 65. Our mission was a night move, shop our purpose logistics, drugs and the reason was to gain some of the excellent equipment being left for us by our state’s outgoing Guard units: Task Force Dragoon.

The final pre-combat checks and inspections were complete; everyone was talking via the radios, weapons were given their functions checks, and the route was deemed clear according to the latest intelligence. I gave the final safety brief, reminding all of the participants of the places that we would travel past during our trip. Upon leaving the gate it was ”Go Time”. Our crew-served weapons gunners scanned their sectors, the drivers focused on the road laid out ahead of them, the passengers scanned the sides of the road for possible IEDs, and I kept constant communications flowing with our air support who was watching our progress from the sky.

We were making great time as we passed by Fallujah, one of the apexes of the Sunni Triangle. You could see the walls and towers of the Abu Gharaib prison complex as we passed Abu Gharaib. Once we reached Baghdad we got turned around on an onramp, but quickly righted ourselves. We were passing through the second of the Sunni triangle cities.

As we passed by Camp Taji and its high walls my thoughts passed to my brother who is stationed there, and reflected momentarily that even though I am thousands of miles from my home, that a person with whom I had lived under the same roof with for fourteen years of my life was only a mile away. My thoughts quickly returned to the duty at hand as a call came up on my radio. A convoy ahead had been hit with an IED. This served as a grim reminder to maintain my focus. EOD was on the scene, and the area would be cleared by the time we made it to that area.

A quick stop by Camp Anaconda for fuel allowed us to stretch our legs and prepare for the final leg of our journey. We would bypass Balad next, and then Sumeria. Coming up to Tekrit we saw that the road was blocked off entering into the city of Saddam Hussein’s birth. We knew that this was coming and took the detour around the third corner of the Sunni Triangle. Soon we were able to take the bypass of Bayji, where we were warned not to go because “there are bad people there”. Eventually we arrived at our final destination; Camp Sumeral. I looked at my Global Positioning System (GPS), and noticed that we were very close to the city of Mosul, and the countries of Turkey and Azerbaijan.

We had made great time, arriving two hours ahead of schedule. With the exception of the Baghdad turnaround, it was a flawless convoy.

On the way back we were also making great time. Because of this I allowed my soldiers time for Pizza Hut or Burger King at Camp Anaconda. They had performed exceptionally and this was a reward that they could not receive at any post near Ramadi.

This turned out to be a good choice because as we prepared to depart Anaconda I was informed over the radio that an IED had been initiated on a convoy just south of Anaconda on the route that we were to take. Had we not allowed the extra time for pizza it would have been our convoy hit with that IED. The return trip back was thankfully uneventful.

Thank God for lifesaving Pizza.

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