Staff Sergeant Figurine
One day, back when I was still enlisted, I returned from leave to discover a new NCO in our office. For purposes of this site, I will call him SSG Figurine.
The first thing I noticed is about him is that he sat apart from all of the other soldiers in the room, and just kind of watched us. Is was kind of disconcerting. Occasionally, he would jot something down in a notebook. But even when he was writing, his attention would remain on us as we went about our work.
It was like he was the Jane Goodall of PSYOP troopers. Which, when you consider,the mentality of the average soldier, is a surprisingly good analogy.
So after a few days of this, I started asking questions. What’s the deal with the new guy? Does he actually do anything? Why is he taking notes on us?
Nobody had any real idea. Officially, he was a new senior illustrator for the Product Development Detachment that I worked in. But no-one ever saw him go near a computer, or draw anything. Rumors where beginning to circulate that he was a CID plant. (For non-Army that’s Criminal Investigation. Internal affairs for the Army. Speculation began to spread about who he was investigating, and for what.
If anyone attempted to speak directly with SSG Figurine he would be polite, but would pretty evade or ignore any questions about his previous units, or anything related to our job. And no one was allowed anywhere near his notebook.
After about a week of this he took to wandering around the office. He’d look over your shoulder while you were working, and ask odd questions. Sometimes he’d take notes off of what you told him.
“What are you working on today Specialist?”
“I’m making a poster for the anti-mine campaign in Mozambique.”
“I see.” scribble “And why are you using that photograph?”
“Ummm…because it’s a picture of the kind of landmine that is being used over there.”
“I see” scribble scribble “So what do you think about SGT German?”
“What? The guy in Headquarters?”
“Yeah him.” scribble
“Ummm he’s okay I guess. Why are you writing this down?”
“No reason. Just mind your own business Specialist.” scribble scribble
So as you can imagine after about a month everybody was really skitish about him. Some people were downright terrified of him.
And right when everybody was at their most paranoid, there was some kind of meeting with all of the E-5’s on up, at company headquarters. And SSG Figurines strange conduct was brought up, along the idea that he was a CID plant.
“Oh, I’m not CID” he revealed. “I was just bored, and had a notebook.”
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July 9th, 2008 at 11:01 am
I’m impressed he was able to keep it up for a whole month, truly epic.
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July 9th, 2008 at 11:31 am
That’s awesome. I’m going to suggest that to a few guys PCSing.
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July 9th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Legend! Now THAT’S a prank!
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July 9th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Beautiful… I’m gonna see if I can do something like that at my new job next week.
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July 9th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Damn my eyes must be tired, I read Anti MINE as anti MIME the first time and had visions of French guys dressed in black and white terrorizing Mozambique by walking against the wind, pulling nonexistent ropes and being stuck in large invisible boxes, The HORROR
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Phantom reply on July 10th, 2008 12:02 am:
Good, I wasn’t the only one.
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July 9th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
TGOBG- That’s exactly what I thought! I took it one further, though- I thought, “Why would Mozambique hate mimes (other than the obvious)? Maybe there’s a troop of mime terrorists (like Pinky and the Brain, but silent and French) trying to take over Mozambique by *trapping* it in a big invisible box!”
captcha: life enemies. Damn mimes.
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Stickfodder reply on July 10th, 2008 7:46 am:
Hay whats with all the mime hate? The real monsters are those fricken clowns. Mimes don’t squirt you with water, squeak as they walk or pretend to throw buckets of water on you only to have scraps of paper come out of the bucket instead. Mimes are quiet don’t throw stuff at you or squirt you with water and if they bug you, you can tie them up with imaginary rope, or put up an imaginary wall. Mimes are easy to deal with but clowns? Those bastards just don’t stay down.
Just in case you don’t realize I hate clowns except The Joker he’s cool.
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July 9th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Thanks thats just what i needed, now i have this vision of the French Foreign Legion with White Face paint and Guns with “Bang” Flags marching against the wind, or smoking nasty little cigarettes and eating crosaunts while sitting on invisible chairs at invisible tables. Kind of a Casa Blanca/Marcel Marso thing. I either need more sleep or less old movies.
Captcha: Leap Flatbush (subtle Mime Reference?)
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July 9th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
And he lived? I imagine vast amounts of itch powder and his skivvies coming into contact with each other for at least a month.
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July 10th, 2008 at 1:01 am
sweet sense of humor… and perfect place for it too! nothing says “please conduct psycological experiments on wierd whims” like ussuspecting psyops troops!! lol
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July 10th, 2008 at 1:25 am
Hahahaha that’s awesome. A whole month? Sheesh.
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July 10th, 2008 at 10:13 am
In my day, which was very long a go, if you were an E-5 and up and had a clipboard and a cigar; you could go any place you wanted. Do absolutely nothing and never be questioned as to what you were doing. Being an NCO was a great job.
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TGOBG reply on July 10th, 2008 7:37 pm:
I have seen that, a clip board, some device for measuring something be it a tape measure or an Anemommeter(SP?)or a GPS, also a can of bright orange marking paint. Wander around aimlessley, Look at GPS, turn to face several directions, confer with coworker, place orange dot on ground, write soemthing on clip board, wander off, repeat… This used to be a favorite pass time of the Civil Engineering guys at Florida Bases, especially those with Beaches with Bikini’s on them. I think they were studying beach errosion patterns, Yeah thats what they were doing…
Captcha: of scotti (Subtle Star Trek engineering?) reference?
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David B reply on February 28th, 2014 10:53 pm:
The easiest way to become invisible is to wear a day-glo vest, a hardhat (If appropriate), and carry a clipboard
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