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The Sport Of Kings

June 11th, 2010 by skippy

So I have just discovered that I have spent several years training to be an athlete, completely by accident. You see, I own several ferrets, and many pairs of pants. And while to you or I might believe that pants are a garment to be used by a single individual at a time, to a ferret, pants truly appear to be a sort of community event, designed to be enjoyed and shared by all.

Simply put, if you have pants and ferrets in the same house, sooner or later their paths are going to converge. Which will be either tragic or hilarious depending on whether or not you are the one wearing them at the time.

Well in England they have this sport called Ferret Legging. Like marathons and cross-country skiing, ferret legging in an endurance sport. But unlike marathons or cross-country skiing, it is played by shoving one or more live ferrets down your pants and trapping them there. And then you try to see who can take it for the longest sort of like a rodeo, except that the bull is tiny, carnivorous, and inside of your pants.

I am totally not making this up. Although it does sound rather suspiciously like a Monty Python sketch.

According to Reg Mellor, world champ ferret legger: “I had ’em hangin’ from me tool for hours an’ hours an’ hours! Two at a time — one on each side. I been swelled up big as that!” Reg pointed to a five-pound can of instant coffee.

“You just got be able ta have your tool bitten and not care.”

I find the whole idea of this sport horrifying. Not because it’s cruel to the ferrets, because as I’ve said, ferrets just fucking love pants. And not because it’s cruel to the competitors because, well if you willingly shove a couple of angry mustalids down your drawers you pretty much deserve whatever happens. What I find objectionable is the origin of this athletic endeavor.

Some claim this sport has it’s origins way back in the day, when only the nobility were allowed to hunt. And since they were the only ones allowed to hunt, no one else was allowed to own an animal that was used for hunting. Given how much humans just love to follow rules, I’m sure that you can guess how often those laws got broken. (Hint: A lot) Poachers couldn’t very well get a hunting dog or a falcon, because those would be too conspicuous. And so poachers would make use of ferrets, which are very handy for hunting rabbits. And eventually some official type person would wander past and the poachers would have to figure out a fast way to hide their furry little accomplice. And much like the modern gang-banger trying to hide a gun, they slipped it into the front of their pants. Presumably at some point one of them was drinking, and realized, “Hey! We can bet on this!”

(For the record, you shouldn’t stuff a ferret or a gun down the front of your pants, for pretty much the same reason. Except that if you try it with a gun and you wind up shooting your junk off, the gun is very unlikely to develop a taste for human flesh.)

I’m not so sure that I believe that, because I know that if I was forced to choose between arrest, possibly with prison and/or execution, or having my “fun-zone” gnawed off by an irate predator with a teensy mouth full of sharp fangs I’d be surrendering faster than you can sa,y “Please don’t trade me to the big guy for cigarettes”.

So I have another theory as to the origins of this sport. Ferret Legging is proof that time machines exist.. And Steve-O has one.

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20 Responses to “The Sport Of Kings”

  1. Gunrunner Says:

    Uhhh, how can I sleep now, dreaming of ferrets in my fruit of the looms!

    Captcha = unsavory emment – with ferrets in his pants…yes, he was.


  2. Maven Says:

    I will watch this when they graduate to bigger and bigger mustalids as the play-offs progress…raccoons or badgers come to mind, with the gold medal round being wolverines.


  3. Shadowydreamer Says:

    Yes.. but when your choice is dismemberment by noble with a possible side of death, you might risk the ferrets instead. :)

    But I think it just proves the English are mad.


    skippy reply on June 11th, 2010 12:58 pm:

    “Yes.. but when your choice is dismemberment by noble with a possible side of death, you might risk the ferrets instead.”

    I think I need to make this into a t-shirt.


    Shadowydreamer reply on June 11th, 2010 1:34 pm:

    I’ll take one – size large. :)


  4. Matt Says:

    “Is that a ferret in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

    CAPTCHA – the glumness – Imaging ole Beamish glumness when his trouser ferret went Zombie on his tool…


  5. Catherine Says:

    I would pay so much money to see a guy trying not to cry as a ferret chews on his junk.
    Of course, I consider ball punishment to be one of the premier forms of humor. I’m kind of sadistic like that.


    Willy reply on June 11th, 2010 7:21 pm:

    Naw, you just have a good sense of humour XD

    Besides, the moron PURPOSEFULLY put it down his pants.


  6. Jaclyn Says:

    Maybe this is why ferrets are illegal in California.


  7. Catbunny Says:

    The sad thing, is that I already knew about this sport. I think I must have Googled it after I heard this:

    “And according to one of our units on the border of Centauri space, they’ve continued massing their fleet. We don’t know why. Maybe they expect a counter attack, it’s hard to say. And they have much to be concerned about. There’s always the threat of an attack by say, a giant space dragon, the kind that eats the sun every thirty days. It’s a nuisance, but what would you expect from reptiles. Did I mention that my nose was on fire? That I have fifteen wild badgers living in my trousers? I’m sorry, would you prefer ferrets?”

    — Marcus to Ivanova in Babylon 5:”Messages from Earth”


    __/^-^\__ *Miya!*

    Captcha: the nighty
    I do not want ferrets in my nighty!


    Ka'la reply on June 19th, 2010 9:50 pm:

    haha, Reading this I had forgotten about that particular scene….I am tempted to go watch that episode again.


  8. steelcobra Says:

    In olde England, the prisons were mostly so you would stand trial, not the punishment portion.

    See: Terry Gilliam’s Medieval Lives


    steelcobra reply on June 11th, 2010 11:21 pm:

    Fuck, too much beer. Terry Jones’


  9. Cthulhu loves me Says:

    Having slept with a ferret in my bra (do not ask) and not getting bitten does this make me a rarity or just insane? or Does it just mean ferrets are homophobic and prefer breasts?


    Willy reply on June 14th, 2010 11:58 am:

    I think I have to ask about that one. Largely because you told us not to.


    Cthulhu loves me reply on June 14th, 2010 12:03 pm:

    to save it’s life. hypothermia is bad for ferrets


    Anna reply on June 14th, 2010 8:01 pm:

    It was probably too cold and grateful (are ferrets grateful?) to bite you

  10. TeratoMarty Says:

    You-all need to see this:

    Captcha: musts after. The musts are after your musty bits.


  11. Susan Says:

    Geez, some men will do anything for oral sex. And some women.


  12. Luthor Says:

    wasn’t gonna post anything till i saw the captcha

    amber demands

    if some woman named amber demanded that i stuff ferrets down my pants i don’t think it would work out between us


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